SUMMARY: Cordelia's POV about her relationship with Fred.

DISCLAIMERS: The characters are the property of Joss Whedon, 20th Century Fox, UPN, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar, Kuzui Productions, and many others I can't recall at the moment.

WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND

When no one is around, I can barely stop myself from kissing her senseless. I embrace her from behind, and inhale the scent of her soft hair. She then turns in my arms, pecking my nose before pressing her lips to mine. It's always like that... My hands seem to have a mind of their own - caressing her face and pulling her towards me, gently grasping her by the small of her back, seeking out her flesh. And she smiles, our eyes never breaking contact. But then, when someone shows up, we must be our usual selves, and return to our usual roles.

It hurts so much hiding it from the guys, but I want none of them prying into this, into us... I don't want them to say I'm not the one for her, or even worse, having them asking if I turned gay! No, I'd rather love her - and be loved by her, - when no one is around.

Whenever Angel walks down the stairs, her face brightens and a pang of jealousy touches my heart. But then I remember she wouldn't be here if not for him, so I let it slide. I must cope with her hero worship. I mean, sometimes feel I could love him too, if he'd let me. And well, he's definitely stud material, if you like the brooding type...

If you ask me, I don't know how exactly I realized my feelings for her. One day I was still missing Groo, and the next I couldn't stop staring at her profile. I suppose I was envious, wary if you want. Before she came here, I had been the only girl in Angel Investigations. But then she tagged along, and simply refused to gain her life back.

Angel had been worried, but that's normal in him. He can be worse than Wesley at times, and that's really something... Wesley, he was just his usual chaotic, phlegmatic self, and Gunn, he simply didn't care. He just offered her his friendship, and that's already too much coming from him! But they are men, very good men I must say, but their missing X chromosome made them inadequate for the task of luring Fred out of her fantasy world. So, once again, I had to take upon things, and I fell in love with her in the process. Madly, stupidly, desperately in love with her...

After all the things I've gone through - uncountable near-death experiences, mind-numbing visions and life's bitchy lessons, I should not care about gossip. In all honesty, I don't, but I'm not as brave as Willow. That's something I will never admit out loud!

But Fred seems to understand. She hides behind her spectacles -and all those ancient books of hers- as I get direct transmission from PTB's network into my head, then she cradles my head onto her lap as Angel barrels me with questions while Wesley stuffs pills into my mouth. And it's during those brief seconds when I feel the pureness of her love, even if we're not alone and I'm still sprawled on the floor. It's then when I know I could never cease to love her, because she really cares for me. Not for my clothes, not for my past, neither for my non-existent acting career or because of my previous relationships. Just for me, Cordelia.

And because of this, she's the reason to fight fiercely every night, to load a crossbow over and over again, until the demons are gone or until I have no arrows left, to stake vampires stronger than I, or to use pepper spray on a baddie's eyes. Also, she's the reason why I can pig out on tacos she bought for all of us, not feeling guilty afterwards. She, Winifred Burke, is the woman I love. She's my angel, my life…

But, I'm a coward. My protective walls only crumble when no one is around. Only then she can see how childish I can be, or how passionate my love for her is. I feel bad about this, but I just cannot let the world know… And still, she raids my mouth and face with tender kisses, stroking my hair until I fall asleep on the couch. Still she makes my skin burn with the simplest touch, rendering me defenseless with one of her smiles. Because she definitely knows what she can do to me, with the briefest of glances... And right now, her eyes are begging me to touch her, everywhere, anywhere. And yes, there's no one around...

END