Summary: Lorelai reflects on Rory's statement that 'these could be the ones'. Written as an inner monologue. Set after I'm Okay, You're Okay. One shot. No spoilers.
Disclaimer: Heh, you've got to be kidding me. I sooooo don't own anything!
Notes: So I'm not sure where this all came from. Lorelai's expression when Rory said 'these could be the ones' was confusing. I wasn't sure exactly what she was reacting to. So I kinda wrote this about that. So there's some Rogan discussion in here too. It's from Lorelai's point of view, so all you Logan lovers probably won't like this that much. And as always, please review!
The Inner Lorelai
"These could be the ones." That's what my daughter said to me. These could be the ones. I remember that I was perplexed at her words at the time. Perplexed. Surprised. Shocked. Befuddled. All of those things? I really don't know. But now, today, sitting in my house, in my bed, alone because Luke left this morning for that trip with April, the words come back to me. Because now I wonder why I reacted the way I did. Was it because it was a very life affirming statement from my young daughter? Was it because she was talking about Logan, who's far from my favorite person? Or was it because she said the word 'could'?
Could is an interesting word. It's not substantial. It's not definite. But it's not weak, like might or possibly. Tangent, Lorelai, get back to the topic.
When I think about those words Rory said to me that day at Martha's Vineyard, I pause to consider if they're actually true. Could Luke and Logan be the ones? And I'm not sure. I mean after all Rory's been through with Logan. She was up and then down. They were friends with benefits one day and the next day they were in a committed relationship. Then she got scared because of his parents but he apologized for that. Then she got mad at me and I'm not sure what happened to them during that time, I would have assumed that they were together, but she really never said much. All I know is that when she came home, she said they had a disagreement. This little disagreement seemed to turn into something bigger when I noticed Rory referring to him as her ex-boyfriend. And after all that, he came back. He begged and pleaded and did all those annoying things that a guilty guy does, but he won her back. I know Logan thinks his visit with me had something to do with it, but really it was all Rory. I simply wrote that last time I got involved with Logan, I almost lost her, so this time it was up to her to make the big decisions. I mean, come on, she's 21 already!
So Rory and Logan got back together. And a month or so later, two days before Valentine's Day, was when she said these words. The one? Come on Rory, you've dated him (at least this time) for just over a month! I mean, what do I know, how long was I dating Max before we got engaged? But then again I was 33 and I didn't have my whole life ahead of me. Another tangy there Lorelai…
Now it's been a month or so since that day and Rory found out that Logan slept with some girls around the time they broke up. The whole thing seems a bit hazy to me, but hey, I'm only her mother. (roll eyes) But she went back to him, although I think she's still reconsidering.
So now I have to ask, could he be the one? Eh… not for me to say, I guess. The fact that my 21 year old daughter is thinking of settling down with anyone, much less Logan, is enough of a heart stopping concept for me.
So maybe that's what gave me pause at that moment. That I wasn't sure she should be thinking that way about Logan. And that she really shouldn't be thinking like that at all at her age.
But I know, that wasn't it. She said 'could'. She said that Luke 'could' be the one for me. Could? Did she not notice the rock on my finger? Did she not realize that Luke and I are getting married? How is it that this isn't a definite thing to her? How is she even the slightest bit unsure about whether Luke is 'the one' for me?
How am I unsure?
Why is it that in the past month I've found myself staring at the ring on my finger wondering who put it there and why?
Luke put the ring there. It was a cool night just a few days after Rory moved into my parent's poolhouse. I was in Rory's room, trying not to break down, when Luke came over. He took me outside onto the porch and we sat on the porch swing, me leaning back against his chest and his arms around me, comforting me, letting me know he's the one who's always be there. The one I could always depend on. And he took my left hand in his and slipped the ring on my finger.
It was the most beautiful ring I've never seen. Anytime I was sad or depressed over Rory, I would look down and watch it glitter and sparkle. And I would smile. It warmed my heart. And I would go see Luke and he would take me in his arms and tell me that Rory is going to come home. That he'll be there with me until she does and for all the days after. And I was content. He wasn't all I needed, I needed Rory, but he was enough for the moment.
I never thought I would question why he put that ring there. I know, in the moment, it was because he wanted to marry me. It was because he loved me. And when he put the ring on my finger, he told me so. And I knew he did. And he knew I loved him. So I never thought I would reassess why he put the ring on my finger.
And then everything fell apart. Yes, Rory came home, that was a relief, but everything else fell apart. Luke found out he had a daughter. April. She's darling. She really is. Seriously. Although, I've never really met her, but from what I've seen and heard, she is. But he hid it from me. He hid from me that he had a daughter. We were getting married, we were going to spend the rest of our lives not as two people but as one life intertwined, and he didn't tell me.
The day I found out about April, my heart broke. My self-confidence faded. My insecurities I had lost as I grew up, returned with full force. My boyfriend, excuse me, fiancé, didn't tell me he had a daughter. The fact that Luke is April's father doesn't bother me at all. We all have our pasts. I had a kid at 16, I should know. And there are things you don't know about your past that just randomly spring up, I get that. It didn't bother me. What got to me is that for two months of my life, I was sleeping, eating and living with a man who was hiding such a huge secret from me. That was big!
And I began to question myself. Did Luke hide her from me because he was ashamed of her or me?
The day I found out, I told Luke I was okay with the idea that he was April's father. And I was. But he still seemed unsure. And because he was so uncertain, I let him postpone the wedding. I know, I wasn't particularly happy about it at the time, but it is Luke. I figured he'd go home, think about it, and realize how stupid he was to postpone spending his life with the woman of his dreams. That was the Luke I knew, at least I thought.
But then something happened. I'm not sure what changed. Maybe Luke was still unsure if I was okay with April. Maybe he didn't want to depend on me. I don't know. He got it in his mind that I shouldn't meet April. That he would be the one to spend time with her and his life with me would be separate. Fine Luke. Have your time with April. I agreed to it. But he shared his April time with Anna, with Lane, with Babette, with everyone but me. He wanted this separate and he asked me to respect that. So I did. I didn't meet April. I didn't ask about Anna.
That wasn't the biggest change. I let him wrangle our relationship around until I wasn't even sure I recognized it anymore. He was a father and that was important to him. Sure, I get that. But when he came home to me, and realized that he couldn't really share that part of his life with me, it was odd. He couldn't share because I didn't know April, I hadn't met April, I didn't know Anna. All I knew were the rare tidbits he fed to me. April can read. April has a website. April is studying geometry. April's smart. April has a math trip. Those are just facts. Who is April? Does she have Luke's smile? His gentle eyes? His gruff but tender demeanor? Does she go all out to please him? How would she react to me? How would we get along? Would I be a good stepmother to her? That's what I still don't know.
This separation between Luke and I has lead to much more. I don't think he feels the same for me any more. When I walk in the diner, he doesn't brighten up. When we're lying together in bed, he doesn't reach to keep his arm around me. When we're talking, he doesn't play with my hair or my fingers. When I leave, he doesn't lean in for a kiss. All the romance is gone. All the attraction is gone. All the feelings we once shared… I don't know where they went.
Luke refers to me as his fiancé. He jokes how he always remembers that. But he doesn't suggest that we talk about the wedding. He doesn't mention moving in permanently anymore. He hasn't in weeks. He doesn't talk about the future. He doesn't ask me about kids. But what hurts the most, is that he doesn't seem to care. He doesn't seem interested in creating one life together and making it permanent.
But, somehow Luke's still the good, kind, gentle man I always knew. He gets rid of scary spiders. He knows what I like on my cheeseburger and he always has the coffee ready, waiting and strong, just the way I like it. He loves to spend time with Rory. He tries to make me smile by surprising me with jewelry on Valentine's Day and by getting protective of me when Kirk tries to eat my food. Before we go to bed, he kisses me softly, like he always did. In the morning, he still stares at me in awe, the way that makes my heart flutter. And he still tells me he loves me, more often now that I mentioned it to him in Martha's Vineyard. And when he says it, he takes my hands and looks into my eyes, and makes sure I know he means it. And I do everything I can, I use all the power in myself, to believe him. I think I do believe him.
And I do still love him. He captured my heart two years ago. He was so much to me, so quickly, and I've never, not for a moment, wanted that to change. I think if I tried to be myself minus Luke now, I'd be lost. He's a part of me. And I love him.
So could he be the one?
Rory said that these could be the ones. In then end, I'm still not sure.