Misconduct: Chapter 12
By: The Confused One
A/N: Well, we're reaching the end, so I hope you've enjoyed the story so far. It's about to take a dark turn. And you have to remember, I set this story shortly after Alex had the baby. ITWSH hasn't happened in this story. Just thought I'd remind everyone of where we are in the timeline of the series. Of course, this story sort of changes things.
Pacing, Bobby didn't even notice Deakins walking into the waiting room with Carver. Hearing his name, Bobby looked up to meet the worried looks of Deakins and Carver. Bobby stammered, "Her... Her family is, on their way."
Deakins nodded. He could literally see the pain radiating from Bobby. He didn't like the look of his clothes either. They were covered with blood. He tried to assure Bobby, "She's going to make it. She's a fighter."
Bobby continued to pace and absently nodded. He heard Deakins, but the words didn't really register. His head was swimming. He felt lost, and he couldn't let his brain engage yet. Thinking would make it real. Bobby wasn't prepared for that. He had to know she was going to be OK first.
Barely getting a reaction, Deakins was starting to really worry. He followed Carver's lead and sat down. It might be best to just let Bobby pace. He seemed to need to. He surmised that the perpetual motion was what was keeping Bobby from falling apart. He tried to reach out to Bobby again, "Whatever happens, I'm going to keep IA and whoever else gets involved away from you for a few days."
Bobby finally stopped. Facing Deakins and Carver, Bobby laughed bitterly. He didn't give a damn about anyone or anything but Alex at that moment. Their new relationship was about to come out in a horrible way now. Nothing Deakins did or didn't do was going to stop the train wreck that was about to happen. Bobby cryptically admitted as much, "It doesn't matter. It's going to come out anyway."
Carver didn't like the implications that could be inferred from Bobby's last statement. He finally ventured, "You want to tell us what happened?"
Bobby shook his head. No, he didn't want to tell them how things had changed between him and Alex. He knew he'd have to though. There wouldn't be any getting around it, eventually. He wished they didn't have to know. He just wanted to protect her from that, till she was better. He wouldn't believe she wasn't going to make it. He couldn't believe anything else. He found himself explaining anyway, "This thing with Jennifer Irving changed things between us."
Deakins leaned his head back and groaned. He knew what that meant. He felt a sudden headache coming on. It was one of his greatest fears. Hearing Bobby say those words were like a nightmare coming true, only made worse by the idea that Alex was in an operating room holding on by a thread. He finally asked, "How long?"
Bobby laughed bitterly. He resumed pacing and refused to acknowledge the irony as he explained, "Last night. We went to breakfast this morning. She was. She was wearing the same clothes. It. It provoked Hensley. It escalated fast and got out of control. God, it's all my fault."
Carver shook his head. He argued, "This was not your fault. You can't control the people around you."
Bobby stopped again. Staring at Carver, he insisted, "I provoked him when I should have backed off. I should have seen it. I pushed him, and he snapped. I let her stand in front of me. It should be me in there."
It was in that moment that Karen Eames, Alex's mother, marched into the waiting room. It was clear from the look on her face that she had heard at least some of the conversation. She angrily yelled at Bobby, "You say one more thing about being responsible for this, and I'll beat you senseless. It shouldn't be you in there either."
Bobby stared at Karen for a long moment. He couldn't believe she was saying these things. He couldn't understand how she couldn't and didn't blame him. He had promised her and John he'd take care of their little girl. He had failed at that spectacularly. He watched as the rest of her family came trouping into the room. He finally, feeling defeated, whispered, "I'm so sorry."
Approaching Bobby, John Eames pulled Bobby into a bear hug. He whispered, "Don't blame yourself. You didn't do this to her."
Before anyone could say anything else, a tired doctor appeared at the door. The look on his face was grim at best. He sighed and delivered the news, "The bullet managed to get lodged in her rib cage. The damage was too extensive. She lost too much blood. I'm so sorry. We weren't able to save her."
Bobby watched in devastated shock as Karen Eames leaned into her husband sobbing. Bobby watched the rest of her family too. Alex was the oldest of four. Her brother Jake was a year and a half younger. James was two years younger than Jake, and Angela was a year younger than James. He watched Angie's husband hold her as she cried. James and Jake leaned on their girlfriends. Bobby stood alone. He suddenly had an extreme desire to leave. Emotions were beginning to surface, the truth was beginning to sink in, and Bobby panicked. He felt he was intruding where he had no right. He had failed Alex and her family. Without another word he left, purposely avoiding eye contact.
Karen Eames closed her eyes and watched him go. She knew he needed a little space. Noticing John was about to call after him, she stopped him, "Don't. He's feeling guilty and in a lot of pain. He loved our Alex. He needs a little space from us."
Carver had been sitting in shock. Never in his wildest dreams had he expected this. Bobby leaving had finally stirred him. He felt this overwhelming desire to see his wife. Meeting Jake's eyes, he apologized, "I'm so sorry. Alex Eames was a great woman."
Jake nodded and immediately recognized the ADA. He revealed, "Alex liked you. She thought you were a decent honorable man who was fair, most of the time."
Carver nodded. He appreciated the compliment from Alex, knowing as well as anyone Alex didn't compliment often or lightly. He headed for the door and replied, "Thank you."
Deakins hugged Karen. He had known the Eames family for many years now, and offered, "I loved her like family. She wasn't just the more reasonable half of my best pair of detectives. If there is anything you need… don't hesitate to call me or Cheryl."
John nodded, taking in Deakins words. He finally spoke, "Thank you Jimmy. We'll let you know."
Deakins nodded this time. He meant what he had said. Looking at the grieving parents, he shuttered at the thought of being in their place. Thinking, he knew what the first thing he would do for them would be. He assured them, "Don't worry about Goren. I'll make sure he's alright."
Karen nodded. She agreed, "Please do. Thank you. I'm not sure he'd see us. He needs to know we're here for him. Please tell him to call. Together maybe we can get through this. These last years he's been partnered with Alex have brought him into our family, and Alex truly loved him. I could see it in her eyes. He loved her too. He should be with us. We need to grieve together."
Deakins nodded. He understood perfectly. He also knew it was going to take some doing to get Bobby to cooperate. He could be difficult on good days, and Deakins was sure that today was Bobby's worst nightmare. Fighting back his own tears, Deakins went in search of Bobby Goren.
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Walking into the apartment, Bobby closed his eyes and took in the scent. It was Alex. He'd never forget how she smelled in the mornings when she picked him up. Choking back tears, Bobby wondered if coming here hadn't been a very bad idea. He stayed anyway. He couldn't bring himself to leave. Walking into her room, he smiled slightly. It had been just like he pictured it, beautiful and feminine, just like her.
He wasn't sure what had possessed him to come to her apartment, but he guessed it was the overwhelming need to be near her, close to her. This was the closest he'd ever be again.
Sitting down on her bed, he opened the drawer to her nightstand. Looking inside, he was thrown a little. The only thing in it was a little but thick red notebook of some kind. Taking it out, he realized it was her diary. He stared at it for a long moment, wresting between his desire to put it back and respect her privacy even in death and reading it. He finally pulled up his feet and laid back on her bed and opened it, curiosity finally winning out.
The diary was thick, and he noted she had started it as a teenager. He knew what date he wanted though. Turning to day they had met, he began reading.
Well, I met the great Bobby Goren today. He's 6' 3" to my measly 5'2" and has to be the strangest man I've ever met. I don't think he even remembered I existed most of the day. This is going to be so much fun. I have my work cut out for me. Deakins swears he'll get better. He better be right. I've only got so much patience.
Our first crime scene was a jewelry heist. The thieves broke into the store using the apartment next door, and they left four bodies behind. Goren, of course, promised the family we'd catch these guys. Jackass. It's as if he doesn't remember how hard it can be to crack a robbery like this one. We'll see though. I hope he's right, but we have our work cut out for us. I don't understand how he can be so sure.
He smiled slightly. That was his Eames. She never held back. He flipped ahead a couple of pages.
That's it! I've had it! I can no longer work with that man. He's arrogant and a snob! He's constantly leaving me out of the loop, and I swear he's crazy. Lying to that girl was the last straw. I requested a new partner. I can't work with him.
Bobby was a little thrown. She had never said a word. He closed his eyes, knowing that unless she explained in later entries he'd never know why she took it back and why she had never told him. He was torn between his relief and happiness that she had stayed and his pain and belief that she'd still be alive if she had left and that gut feeling mattered more to him than his own personal happiness. He flipped the page and read on.
He was right. Goren was right about that the girl. Maybe he is weird and it was unethical, but it got results, right? Can I work like that? I asked the Captain to hold off on my request for a new partner till I can decide. There is something about him. Every time I'm ready to give up on him and this partnership, he does something to make me hold off.
He read the next page.
He included me. Goren is letting me in, inch by inch. I think he's opening up. I asked the Captain to scrap the letter. I'm going to give him another chance. I don't give up that easily. He better not blow it though. My mother keeps saying be patient. My father keeps telling me to cut him some slack. Jake says he's worried about me being paired with him. He's heard the rumors, but he's never met Goren. He's not as bad as the rumors make him out to be. I should know. I heard them all too. Angie is too distracted by the wedding and Brad to give advice. James is still out of the country on business, so he's not much help, either.
Bobby flipped ahead. He wanted away from the rocky beginning of their relationship.
Bobby is leaning on Croyden. He's insistent. It's like he's possessed and won't listen. I'm terrified for him. He's spinning out of control, and I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure I can hold him together much longer. On top of this, Angie and Brad had me for dinner tonight and asked me to be a surrogate for them! As if things at work need that stress. I don't know what to do.
Bobby kept going.
Nicole killed Croyden to get at Bobby. It finally brought him back to reality. I finally have him calmed down and focused. Nicole is the vilest person I've ever met. She better burn in hell for what she's put Bobby through. Sometimes, like now, I just wish I could make everything he had to go through as a child go away. I was afraid she was going to win. I was afraid she was going to destroy him, and I wasn't going to be enough. He needs grounding often. It's not easy, being someone's rock.
Bobby took in a shallow breath. He hadn't completely really realized the depth of her worry during the whole fiasco. He flipped back, looking for the first time she wrote his name as Bobby, not Goren.
Me: She was attacked by a shark?
Goren: Sharks don't have scales.
Me: Rolls eyes.
The man needs a sense of humor stat. He's brilliant, and I like him, most days, but he needs a funny bone. I guess it's something else I'll have to teach him.
Bobby smiled slightly, remembering the conversation. It hadn't occurred to him that she had been joking, till later. He flipped forward some.
Bobby and I met Wally Stevens today. He's, different. At least he gave us some useful information. I had to open my big mouth afterwards though. I made a joke about Stevens being Bobby's brother. He smiled, and I thought I was brilliant. Little did I know what he would tell me. He told me more about his brother. God, he's been through so much. I feel honored that he trusts me enough to talk to me like he does.
Bobby sighed. He remembered that conversation too. He hadn't meant to lay so much on her at once. He suppose he had been holding it in too long. He flipped back a little, again.
I was right, unfortunately. I got Bobby to have some drinks me with me, and it was like the flood gates opened. He's had quite the troubled life. His mother is schizophrenic. His father ran out on him and his older brother. His father, apparently, slept around a lot too. Bobby said he doesn't talk to his brother. He wasn't keen on giving details. My heart aches for him right now. Bobby Goren is a good man who doesn't deserve these horrible things. I should invite him to meet my family. I know they'd love him. Bobby is quite charming. He needs something to hold onto. Maybe me and my family could be what he needs.
Bobby knew he had found the page he had been looking for. It was the first time she had called him Bobby out loud too. He frowned though at the sentiment. She had been right. Even he recognized Eames' family had been good for him. Now he couldn't even face them. He idly flipped ahead in the diary.
Wow, that was easy. I don't think my family has taken to anyone as fast as they've taken to Bobby. My plan to draw Bobby back out of his shell worked. I'm sure Mom will invite him herself to the barbe-q on the fourth. I should have dragged him to a family function back when I first thought of it. I guess I'll have to talk to him about the pregnancy before that. I hope it's the right thing to do.
Bobby smiled slightly. He hadn't meant to turn to that entry, but he's glad he read it. He flipped ahead, knowing which date he wanted.
Bobby came slinking into my hospital room after hours tonight. He stared at me a long moment, before I got tired of it and told him to sit. I scared him, I think. It made me laugh. He started talking, babbling really, about this case he and Bishop had just finished. I think the one thing that made sense was when he said he needed me and missed me. I could have cried. I reassured him I would be back. He seemed to need it, but something happened. I don't know what's going on in my head, in my heart, but I do know I can't get him out of either. Is it guilt? Something else? Do I want to know?
Bobby was curious now. This had been where things had changed for her. She had said as much the night before. He wondered when she realized it. Flipping forward a few pages, he read.
I think I figured it out. I love Bobby Goren, my partner! It finally hit me today when we were working. We were at Marion Whitney's home to tell her about her husband. She didn't seem to even care. He's still trying to figure her out. Anyway, when she left some music was playing. I did my usual snark to get that smile I love so much to form on his face, but after he smiled, he did this adorable little dance. That's when I placed that feeling, that thing that had happened in my hospital room. It's like suddenly everything is clear. I love him. I probably have for a while now. Course, I don't have a clue what to do about this. I mean, the department has a no fraternization policy, and I have no idea how deep his feelings are for me. I'm so overwhelmed. I didn't think, after Jack, I'd ever love anyone again. I definitely never wanted to fall for another cop. Losing him was way too hard. Knowing Bobby, I'm the one who is going to have to figure this out. I'm the one who is going to have to deal with this.
Bobby closed his eyes. It wasn't fair. They should be curled up eating ice cream and watching a movie. Bobby read another page.
I miss Dillon. God help me, a part of me wishes he was mine. I don't want to take him from Angie and Brad. I'd never even consider that, but I feel so empty. Sometimes, like right this second, it hits me. I want to reach out to someone. I want to talk to Bobby, but I can't bring myself to call him. Things are complicated enough in my head right now. Do I really want to bring those feelings into this? I'm such a mess. I need him right now. Whatever I feel for him can just take a backseat. I need someone to talk to, and I know he's still up.
He smiled again. She had been right. He had been up. The banging on the door brought him out of his thoughts. He could hear Deakins yelling, "Bobby, I know you're in there. Please talk to me. Let me in."
Bobby momentarily considered ignoring him, but he decided against that action. It wouldn't end well. With a sigh, he got up, put the diary in his notebook, trotted to the door, and unlocked it. He didn't wait for Deakins to open the door. Bobby walked straight back into her room. He heard Deakins come in and lock the door back.
The diary had given Bobby an idea. He got down on the floor and looked under her bed. He smiled slightly. He was right. Pulling out the box and opening it, Bobby began sifting through the photos. He heard Deakins walk into the room and sit down on the bed. Bobby explained, "There's a picture of her as a little girl that captures her perfectly. It was always my favorite."
Deakins stared at Bobby, and the photos that Bobby was placing on the floor. He was worried but finally ventured, "Everyone is worried about you. Karen Eames wants you to call her. She wants to talk to you."
Bobby decided to ignore the comment. He wasn't in a place to talk to Alex's mother, and he didn't want to get into. He smiled slightly. He found the picture he was looking for. Bobby continued to explain, "This is the one. The smile on her face was perfect. She always hated this one. I always loved it. She told me once to take it, I refused at the time. I didn't think it was a good idea."
Deakins was really worried now. Bobby hadn't even acknowledged his words. He tried again, "Bobby. Talk to me, not at me."
Bobby finally turned slightly and looked at Deakins. He explained, "I keep thinking about everything that happened the last few weeks. I play every time I could have and should have dome something different. I could have stopped this."
Deakins rubbed his face with his hand. He was afraid of this. Bobby was turning in on himself and completely blaming himself. Deakins insisted, "You can't do that. You can't blame yourself. It was not your fault. You're going to make yourself crazy if you don't see that."
Bobby put his hand up dismissively. He knew that already. He knew he couldn't keep thinking the way he was. He needed her right then. She always knew how to get his head on straight. And how was that for irony? Turning back to the photos, he began putting the photos back. He finally spoke, "She trusted me to protect her. I failed her. He had it in for me not her."
Deakins nodded slightly. He reached out to his detective, "You had no control over that man, and Alex did not expect you to be taking bullets for her."
Bobby shoved the box back under the bed. He avoided looking at Deakins and shot back, "She took that bullet for me."
Deakins took a deep breath. This was getting old real fast. He spoke firmly, "Because she loved you."
Bobby smiled slightly. He cocked his head to the side and eyed his Captain. He teased, "You say that like it's a curse or something."
Deakins smiled too. There was the Goren he knew. He explained, "No. It's not a curse. Give me a break Goren. This isn't easy for me either. I loved her too, and the two of you getting together was the sort of thing I've had nightmares about."
Bobby arched his eyebrows. He sarcastically replied, "Sorry. Well, I guess you don't have to worry about that anymore."
Deakins' eyes snapped to Bobby's. He raised his voice, "Bobby."
Bobby put his hand up dismissively and stood. He knew he was wrong and conceded, "I'm sorry. That was. I just. I can't imagine anything without her."
Deakins nodded. He suggested, "I know. Look, you need to go home, take a shower, and call John and Karen Eames before crashing."
Bobby looked around the room, and then looked at the picture again. He hesitantly admitted, "I'm not sure I want to leave. It's leaving all that is left of her."
Deakins closed his eyes. He knew he really needed to get Bobby out of her apartment. He insisted, "You need to go home Goren."
Bobby nodded again. He knew Deakins was right. It brought him closer to Alex to be there, but he needed to go. Coming had probably been a mistake to begin with. With a sigh, he agreed, "Alright. I'll go."
Deakins stood and watched Bobby prepare to leave. He wasn't going to leave him there. He'd probably end up continuing to stay, and Deakins concluded that this apartment was the last thing he needed. He wordlessly followed Bobby out of the apartment, and reassured him, "I'll see you at the funeral."
Bobby huffed and replied, "Right."
Deakins watched as Bobby got into his car and drove away. He sighed. He knew things weren't going to be getting better any time in the near future.