Chapter 3:
Zack led Cody over to his room—well, their room, he tried to remind himself. Cody was back.
The same signs that had layered the door when they were twelve were still there. Zack had never had the heart to take them down. They connected him to Cody.
He took a deep breath and opened the door, realizing that his hand was trembling as he placed it on the doorknob. Cody looked around the room, not seeming to know that Zack was there anymore.
Cody's bed was in the same place as it had always been. Carey and Zack had never touched it, only to clean it. There it was, with its innocent dark blue sheets, with the same saggy springs—everything was still there. When Zack had had friends over, they hadn't been allowed to sleep there. They'd accepted it too. It was Cody's bed, something untouchable—just like Cody had been for the last three years.
Zack felt something in his throat, like he was going to cry. But he couldn't cry. He needed to be strong. Stronger than he had ever been before.
Cody was shaking now, involuntarily shaking. He trembled, and ran a hand over his bed, clutching Blankie hard in his hands—so hard that his knuckles were white. Zack felt one tear slide down his cheek, but hurriedly brushed it away.
Cody turned to look at his twin, and then almost instinctively, his eyes snapped down to the ground again. "I'm sorry," he whispered, shaking almost convulsively.
"Cody, you don't understand," Zack pleaded. "You have nothing to be sorry about. It wasn't your fault."
"I made you hurt," Cody whimpered, his eyes still on the ground. "I deserved it. I deserved all that I got."
"You deserved nothing!" howled Zack. "You didn't deserve it. My God, Cody what did they do to you? I swear I'm going to kill them for hurting you!"
Cody kept his eyes on the ground. He didn't say any more.
xxx
Carey was flitting around anxiously, her hands in the air. She had ordered pizza—it was Cody's favorite food, well had been Cody's favorite food, when he was twelve.
Zack was sitting at the table, looking numbly at his plate. The greasy, fatty, orange liquid gushing off one side of the pizza, filling in spaces of the oozy cheese. This was the thick, doughy type of pizza—the type layered with pepperonis. He gulped. He wasn't in the mood for pizza. He doubted that he'd be in the mood for anything.
Cody on the other hand, wolfed down the piece of pizza like he was never going to eat again, and then sat staring at his empty plate until Carey asked him if he wanted more.
"Yes," he stammered. "Yes, please." Then he flinched, as if he had said something wrong.
Carey tried to ignore it, as if afraid to embarrass him. She pulled off another piece of pizza, and put it on his plate. She kissed the top of his head. Cody ate this one more slowly, as if afraid that it wouldn't last.
Pretty soon, Cody had eaten five pieces of pizza, and Zack had taken one bite of his.
"Mom," Zack said, looking for understanding in his mother's eyes. "I'm really, really not hungry tonight."
Carey nodded. She understood.
Zack pushed his plate away, and watched his brother eat. He was obviously starved, the way his shirt—actually Zack's shirt—bagged around his chest. When he had taken off his shirt to change, Zack had seen every single rib prominent in his skin. He couldn't help the tears when he saw the bruises that covered Cody's thin frame—the blue and purple recent ones. He saw the welts that covered Cody's back, the blood crusted scars. He'd broken down and cried, feeling guilty of his success, while Cody had been suffering. He almost expected for Cody to be jealous and resentful towards him and his perfect life, but Cody wasn't.
Cody wasn't someone capable of doing that. He wasn't capable of hating, he wasn't capable of hurting anybody. He wasn't even capable of being jealous of his brother. That's why Zack was hurting so hard inside.
Tapeworm had once described Zack as the "bad twin" and Cody as the "good twin." But Zack realized that Cody wasn't only the "good twin": he was pure and unblemished and innocent.
Cody, the one person who didn't deserve it… why was Cody the one that had to be hurt? Zack had always been the angry twin, Zack had always been the revengeful one. Cody just sat on the sidelines and looked on, not disapproving of his behavior, but not contributing to it either. He just watched, and sat there to pick up the pieces, jumping in every once in awhile to help, but never to hurt.
Cody was the one who constantly wanted to please. Cody always wanted to help. He didn't deserve one thing that they had done to him.
Zack felt himself clench his hands into fists, so hard that he left nail marks in his skin. Cody never deserved anything that happened to him, yet he got hurt. Cody was the one that had gotten hurt.
If something like that had happened to Zack, he would have gone on, hating, hating forever. Yet Cody didn't. Cody didn't have the ability to hate anybody, and that's why Zack felt so bad inside. Cody just accepted it, like he deserved everything slap he got—Cody assumed it was his fault. Cody just thought it was his fault. And it wasn't.
And as Zack had sat there, the angrier and the sadder he felt inside. He'd cried, and Cody had tried to help. Cody, who was so scared of anybody now, he couldn't look in their eyes. Cody, whose once bright and lively eyes now had a dull and defeated look. Cody, who had always been the strong twin, the one to lean on, the one to help. And the one thing he kept on saying—the one thing that drove Zack madder than anything: "I'm sorry."
So as Zack sat there, staring blankly at his grease-stained paper plate, he decided one thing. It would never happen again. It would never happen to Cody again.
He'd have to be the strong twin. He'd have to be the one that helped. He'd be the one that Cody would lean on.
And then the people that had hurt Cody would learn. They would learn what happened when they messed with his twin. They wouldn't break him, because Zack would be there to help him. Zack would be there to help Cody pick up the pieces.
xxx
Zack and Cody had finished brushing their teeth—Cody had gone for a dental check-up already—and Carey went down to take care of some things, leaving Zack to take care of his brother.
"Cody," Zack said, "come on brother. It's time to go to sleep."
Cody followed Zack into the room, his eyes still on the ground. Zack climbed into his bed, and waited for Cody to do the same thing.
Cody looked unsure as he glanced around the room, as if trying to figure something out. Finally, he reached up, took Blankie from the bed, and pulled it to the ground. He laid there on the ground, using Blankie as a pillow.
Zack was appalled. "Cody, get on your bed!"
Cody looked up at him, almost meeting his eyes, and then pulling his away. He brought his legs up in the fetal position, and sat there, with his scared puppy-like eyes. He clenched Blankie harder and harder in his hands.
Zack clambered out of his bed, ignoring the fact that his comforter fell to the ground. "Cody, what's wrong? Cody?"
Cody was shaking back and forth now, as if he didn't hear Zack anymore. "I'm sorry."
Zack clenched his teeth, trying not to scream out in frustration. "Cody, why… why aren't you sleeping on your bed?"
Cody looked up and then flinched again.
"I-I'm not supposed to," he managed to whimper.
Zack pulled his brother into his arms, realizing how truly small and alone Cody was. He hugged his brother hard, rocking him back and forth, the way Carey used to do when Cody was little and had a bad dream.
"Oh God," he moaned, sobbing hard into Cody's shirt. "Is that really what they told you? What did they tell you Cody? What did they tell you? Did they make you sleep on the ground, like you were some sort of dog? Cody, what did they do to you—I swear I'm going to kill them, Cody—Cody what did they do?"
Cody just sat there, with his sad looking puppy eyes. The helpless look in them made Zack cry even harder. His poor brother.
"I… I love you Cody, you know that right? I love you so much, and I would never make you do that? I love you and Mom loves you. I love you so much Cody, and I missed you every single day you were gone. I tried not to, but it kept on hurting and hurting. I missed you so much."
Cody whined softly, like a puppy that had been kicked to many times. "I'm sorry I made you hurt," he whispered softly. "I'm sorry." A tear ran down his cheek, and Zack hugged him even harder. Cody didn't hug back. It was all so unreal to him. It was all too new still.
"You know what, Cody?" Zack said, trying to forget what had just happened. "You can sleep in my bed tonight," he said, pulling Cody up. He jumped in his bed, and pulled Cody in. "I'll protect you. Always," he promised. "Nobody's going to hurt you like that again, I promise you Cody."
Cody pulled himself under Zack's covers, and Zack hugged him hard. Cody listened as Zack's breathing became rough and haggard, and then finally he began to breathe normally. Cody was comforted by the sound of his brother's heart, beating softly.
It was almost strange, he thought. The other day, he'd been hurting everywhere, and now it felt like he'd been reborn. He was back with the person he loved more than anything in the world. He was back with his mother. He got to sleep in a bed.
Cody wasn't ready to tell Zack yet. He wasn't ready to tell him everything that had happened, and sort of felt ashamed. Zack wouldn't hurt him. But Cody couldn't let those memories come back and hurt him again.
He didn't want to think about those sleepless nights on the hard, cold ground while the two men snored like hogs. He didn't want to think about the times when he'd woken up screaming, and the men would whip him. He didn't want to think about the times he'd wet himself during the night and the times he'd wet himself when they were hurting him so bad—he was so scared they were going to kill him. Then those times when he'd wished that he was dead. Those times when he'd screamed for everybody—Zack, Mom, Dad, Mr. Mosebey—everybody.
He didn't want to remember when they slapped him because he looked at them in the eyes. He didn't want to think about the pathetic and worthless person he had now become. He didn't want to think about how he couldn't reach Zack's eyes—because he knew that he didn't deserve him.
He didn't deserve Zack. He didn't deserve his mom. He didn't deserve their love.
He was worthless. He was nothing. He was pathetic. He was a wasted piece of life. He'd never thought that they were right. But when you'd heard it enough—you could believe almost anything. And now, Cody thought they were right. At least here, with his brother and his mother in his perfect life.
They had been perfect. They didn't need him back. He only made them hurt more than before. He was a burden to them all.
Cody wanted to vanish. He wanted to disappear forever. Because they didn't need him. They were happier without him. And he wanted them to be happy more than anything in the world.
He knew it wasn't true though. Zack loved him. You brother hates you. Cody shivered as he remembered the guy's voice. His name had been Tony. The other one had been Rob. Nobody loves you. Cody tried to slap the memory away.
He felt a tear slide down his cheek, and he didn't brush it away, letting it collapse in a salty mess on the mattress. He finally closed his eyes and went to sleep, comforted by his brother's steady breathing—silencing the screams of the past. For now. He knew that they would arise though. They'd arise the next day or the next.
Because memories never stayed dead forever.
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