Title: Suppositions
Author: SeaChanter
Categories: Drama/Romance
Rating: T
Pairing: Sam/Martouf
Spoilers: In the Line of Duty, The Tok'ra I & II, Serpent's Song, Jolinar's Memories, The Devil You Know
Season: AR, Season 4, at least
Summary: Sometimes you just assume each unerstands the other
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment, not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks are intended. Previously unrecognized characters, places and this story are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. They don't belong to me. I just get to feed and water them sometimes.
Archive: Please do not archive anywhere without the author's permission. Archived at: Symbiotica
Copyright (c) 2006 SeaChanter
A/N: This is a rewrite and repost of an earlier story I felt too poorly written. It was named 'Assumptions.' If anyone is nuts enough to want to read the original, just let me know and I'll ship a copy.
My thanks to Tels, who did a fantastic job beta'ing the rewrite and to Marianne H. Stillie who did the original editing. And to Lauren for her support.
Dedicated to my granddaughter, as always.
Sam sat in her office looking blankly at the report she was supposed to be writing. She knew her father and Martouf were going to be arriving on base within the hour. For some reason this time the thought was keeping her from her work, rather than her usual push to finish things up when she knew they were about to arrive. She found herself once more drowning in Jolinar's memories of Martouf and wondered again why Martouf cared for her. Was it her or because of the imprint his dying mate had left upon her?
'I can't deal with this anymore' Sam thought. 'I feel as if I'm in a feedback loop. Martouf looks at me as he looked at Rosha and Jolinar. Then I think I'm looking at him with only Jolinar's feelings. But am I? What about what I feel for him?'
Sam put her head back and shut her eyes, thinking it might help her relax. She was developing a headache, one thing she didn't want to have when her father and Martouf arrived. Massaging her temples she let her thoughts float around.
Her frustration with herself turned to anger. She wasn't a stupid person, far from it; she was one of the most intelligent on the base. Math and physics were no problem but for some reason the connection that would answer her questions as far as love and the Tok'ra went kept eluding her.
She didn't even realize she'd fallen asleep until her phone rang and the Colonel asked her, in his usual annoyed 'when the Tok'ra came to call' tone of voice, why she hadn't come to the Gate room when the klaxons had gone off. She tried to stutter some explanation but O'Neill interrupted her and told her that her father and 'Marty' were on their way to her lab.
Sam sighed and gave her apologies, again, for missing their arrival. O'Neill just growled and hung up on her. She pulled a face at the phone and still not believing she had fallen asleep stood up, stretched, and hoped she would at least look awake when her Dad and Martouf got to her lab.
When they got there, her Dad greeted her with his usual enthusiasm and big hug. "Hey, kiddo," he said. "How are you?" Looking concerned and not liking the response he got he shook his head. "Looks to me like you've been working too hard, again. So how about you let Martouf give you a break from your work?" His tone left her in no doubt it was more than a request.
Jacob hugged her again. "George said it's a nice day and if you want to, you should take Martouf up to the surface."
Martouf smiled even more, turned to Sam and said, "Samantha, if you would not mind, that sounds nice. I do not get enough of a chance to go outside of the mountain when I am here."
Sam smiled at her father, and looked over at Martouf. He had his usual broad smile and sparkle in his eyes but Sam was just not sure she was ready to return the same look. She turned back to her father and said; "Of course, Dad. It'd be my pleasure to keep Martouf occupied for a while." She actually mentally kicked herself for sounding so formal knowing that tone would seem odd to both her father and Martouf.
As Jacob turned and walked out of the room, he glanced back and said, "This meeting should take about three hours. How about we meet back here for a late lunch then?" Sam nodded and told her Dad that sounded fine.
Sam didn't see her father frown as soon as he was out of sight of her office door. He was concerned about her somber look and didn't think it was work related. He was pleased to see the relationship with Martouf deepening and hoped Martouf would be able to help her with whatever the problem was.
Sam suggested taking Martouf to the locker room so he could change into BDUs, as he usually did if they left the Mountain.
Martouf said, "Of course. Spending the time with you is worth it." He had noticed that Samantha seemed a lot more subdued than normal but decided to say nothing unless she brought up what was bothering her.
After changing, Martouf followed Sam to the elevator and made one of his usual comments about the Rings being faster and it was too bad they could not be used at the SGC.
Once they got to the surface Sam led them to a flat area secluded from the patrols but where they could see the open sky and a good view down the mountain into Colorado Springs.
They sat on the ground, with Martouf far enough from Sam so she did not feel he was crowding her and they talked about what had been happening in their lives. All the talk revolved around their respective work assignments. Then they both fell silent; the silence awkward, as if neither knew what to say to the other next.
Martouf shifted position so he was facing Sam but still kept a small distance between them. He decided to take the chance and ask what was bothering her and if there was anything, he could do to help.
Before he got the chance to say anything, Sam looked at him and began to speak. "Martouf, I can't understand why you seem to think it's natural to bring Jolinar into our conversations. It's almost as if every time I begin to stop thinking of Jolinar, I see you and she's in the middle of us. Why is it necessary to bring her up every time? Sometimes I wonder who you want to be with… Me for myself, or me because I was host to her. If we can't get past this our relationship is not going anywhere."
(Martouf, I think I understand what Samantha is asking us,) Lantash told Martouf. (I do not think she understands how we view relationships over generations of Hosts. This is the first time the Tok'ra and the Tau'ri have interacted on this level. I believe we assumed she would understand without our explaining this to her.)
Martouf answered Lantash; 'I think you may be correct. We have just assumed she knew.' He leaned over and took Sam's hands in his own. He held them lightly, to give her a chance to pull back if she needed to. "Samantha, has anyone talked to you about how we view relationships between Hosts and Symbiotes when there is a change of Host?" he asked her gently, wanting to give her the freedom to phrase things as she needed to.
Sam looked up at Martouf's face and into his eyes and finally told him what had been so confusing to her. "I thought I knew, and then something happens and I still don't understand why you need to look at me as Jolinar."
Martouf let go of her hands, and stroked her cheek with his fingers, still only touching her gently. "Oh, my dearest Samantha, I have not seen you as Rosha since we returned from Netu with your father."
Sam pulled back from Martouf. "I'm not talking about Rosha, but Jolinar. I am not Jolinar, I am ME, and I am Sam. A woman with emotions and a person in my own right… not just a vessel with some of her memories."
Martouf kept still and restrained himself from reaching over and taking her in his arms, as he wanted to do, to comfort her. He realized that she needed to understand symbiotic relationships, and that this wasn't her fault, but his, for assuming she understood. This was something they needed to talk about.
He looked at her. "Relationships between two Tok'ra and two Hosts are not that simple. There are four separate beings involved. Because our Symbiotes live so much longer than the Hosts do, we carry the memories of those our Symbiotes have loved long before we were born, grew up and Blended. I accept Lantash will continue into the future when my time is up. He will carry memories of my loves with him when I am gone."
He took a deep breath and continued. "I carry not only his memories of his love for Jolinar and Rosha as well as my own, but I carry the memories of all those he loved, both Host and Symbiote, from years before I was born. We all do. Lantash carries memories of knowing Jolinar through a number of different Hosts, but there had never been a romantic relationship between them before he and I Blended, because the Hosts were not attracted to each other. We do not take a mate unless the four of us are of one mind and willing to do so."
Martouf stopped for a moment in case Sam had any questions. She just kept looking at him, eyes with unshed tears, so he continued. "To us your having some of her memories is somewhat unusual because there have only been a few cases when the Symbiote has died and the Host has survived. But it has happened. If Jolinar had not died, it would not have seemed strange to us that you had her memories of our previous life together as that is normal. It does not mean I look at you and only see reminders of Jolinar. I look at you and I see the woman we have fallen in love with, regardless of her having carried Jolinar. You, my love, are our future."
He paused. "Please forgive me, for not realizing earlier you might not understand how we see our relationships through generations." Martouf fell silent and sat unmoving, wanting to give Sam the time and distance to express what she needed to say or do. He had seen her look down, away from him during the last part of his explanation.
Sam began to speak, head still down, in a voice laden with tears. "I've been so afraid to love you with all my heart. I was afraid that some of the love I felt for you was hers and not mine, and that too much of your feelings for me were based on my still retaining some part of Jolinar."
Sam raised her head and looked at him. "I think I'm beginning to understand, but… I know I love you. I knew when we were coming back from Netu." She cautiously put her arms around Martouf's neck and rested her head on his shoulder.
Martouf put one arm around her waist, and with his other hand gently caressed her hair. "My dear and darling Samantha, I think we have both been assuming the other understood how we each felt about our society's customs and beliefs. And we do not. I love you so much; you have become the biggest reasons I have to survive each day. We talk about our work, and how we defend against the Goa'uld, but we hardly ever talk about things that are personal to each of us and affect our own relationship,"
Sam had listened intently to Martouf's words and his voice, which always soothed and comforted her. While listening to him, she had been silently crying but realized she did have things she needed to say to him. "I love you; I know that is my feeling, and not Jolinar's. We still have so much to learn about each other. I guess I also forgot understanding each others societies and customs has to be part of that. As well as our talking about our own personal wants and goals. "
She lifted her head up and looked into his eyes. "Too bad we both sometimes forget we need to talk to each other about things other than just missions."
Martouf looked into Sam's eyes. The eyes of the woman he loved. "Yes, we need to talk to each other. We do not do that enough. If we are to figure a way out of this confusion, we cannot stop talking. We cannot forget we have to. I want us to grow together." He bent to kiss her, whispering, "That is all I want, too, my love, for us to grow together."
Sam looked at him, his eyes explaining all she needed to know. He loved her for her. "So do I," she whispered as she kissed him back.
Fin