Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing in this story, except for the brains used. That's right. I created the brain. I designed the brain. It's because of me you're able to do your homework. It's because of me you live and breathe. And without me, you wouldn't be able to post anything on this website! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha! Beat that, Ms. Frizzle!
Fun Fact: Did you know that if you take away the "i" in brain, you get "bran"?
The Hitchhiker's Guide to Useless Garbage
Scene 1: Introduction
Narrator: Hundreds of years ago, someone had an idea that if you did something and tried doing it with something else, a much different something can emerge from that first something. This is not the story of that something. This is the story of absolutely nothing.
(Funky disco music plays in the background.)
Narrator: This is also the story of a marvelous book that was published to give meaning to things that have no meaning whatsoever: The Hitchhiker's Guide to Useless Garbage. The founder of the offices of the HGUG, Hookadilly Snotissue, was in favor of something that would appeal to more advanced species: All the Crap in the Universe Piled Into One Book, but there were two problems with his idea. Firstly, the word "crap" on Fugeddaboutit 53 means "In seven days, we shall send Al Roker to annihilate you all," and so, to avoid any conflict with the Fugeddaboutitians, they dropped it. The second reason was because the acronym of that book would be ATCITUPIOB, and they decided that it would be too long for publishing purposes, and so, they dropped it.
Narrator from TV Show: What are you doing here?
Narrator: I'm narrating! They had me do the movie, didn't they?
Narrator from TV Show: So what? The TV show lasted longer! Plus, my British accent is more narrative than yours!
Narrator: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm more hip and cool, dig?
(Think about Stephen Fry saying that, and soon reality will sink in.)
Narrator from TV Show: Why?
Narrator: Because I recorded a hip-hop song! (whispers to Mac fans) Available on iTunes now.
Mac Fans: All hail the iMacs with Intel… All hail the iPods with video… All hail the Tiger upgrades… All hail Steve Jobs…
Narrator from TV Show: Shut up! And what the heck is a "Steve Jobs"? Some sort of processor?
Narrator: (gets ready to strangle himself with a rope) This is the twenty-first century, knucklehead.
Narrator from TV Show: That's it! (British accent) Say hello to my little friend!
(holds up can of Spam)
Narrator: What does that have to do with anything?
Narrator from TV Show: I thought this was considered evil!
Narrator: Like I said, twenty-first century.
Narrator from TV Show: Oh, fiddlesticks.
(throws can of Spam near Mac fans)
Mac Fans: What is this?
Narrator: (sarcastic) Spam. Steve Jobs invented it.
Mac Fans: All hail Spam… All hail Spam…
Monty Python: Hang on! We copyrighted Spam! Every time you say that word, we make a bajikidillion dollars!
Narrator from TV Show: What the heck is that?
Narrator: I know! (narrative voice) A bajikidillion is a number started on the planet Ni, and is now used very commonly on Earth when buying illegal shookifits.
Narrator from TV Show: What's a shookifit?
Narrator: (irritated) Look, just because you narrated the TV show in '81 doesn't mean you have to be so immune to what a shookifit is! In any case, a shookifit is a thing.
(Narrator from TV Show gets so annoyed, he runs into a wall and falls unconscious. All of a sudden, a ninja comes out of nowhere and threatens the Mac fans.)
Mac Fans: Quick! Retreat to the safety of your nearest Apple store!
(Ninja takes off mask and reveals himself to be Bill Gates.)
Bill Gates: Hi! I'm Bill Gates, and I'm here because Douglas Adams was my wife.
Narrator: (narrating) For those of you who don't know who Douglas Adams is, what the hell are you reading this for? And for those of you who didn't know Douglas Adams is a woman, he isn't!
Bill Gates: I'm also here because Steve Jobs stole my Snickers in 4th grade! Since then, we've been designing computers.
Narrator: What do Snickers have to do with computers?
Bill Gates: Absolutely nothing. We used to be on the debate team, but we eventually started designing computers.
Narrator: (veins pulsing) It's times like this that made me wish I asked for a bigger part in the movie. Maybe then I wouldn't be behind the scenes, narrating all the time.
Marvin: Lucky you. You don't have to come on-camera.
Narrator: (bellows) GET OUT OF HERE! I HAVEN'T WORKED UP TO YOU YET! I DIDN'T EVEN GET A CHANCE TO INTRODUCE ARTHUR DENT! (breathes frantically, and finally resumes narrating) This is Arthur Dent.
Arthur: (wakes up) Fluffy pink spiders!
Narrator: Arthur Dent led a seemingly random life, with twists and turns wherever he went.
Arthur: Yvan eht nioj!
Homer: Hey! That's my subliminal message! Give it back!
(Arthur and Homer Simpson start fighting.)
Narrator: Hey! Homer! Get back to Channel 5 where you belong!
Homer: D'oh! (leaves)
Narrator: Anyway, Arthur walked outside to get the newspaper when he suddenly noticed the big yellow bulldozers preparing to demolish his house.
Arthur: What are you fellows doing?
Mr. L. Prosser: We're destroying your house so we can build a bypass!
Arthur: Oh. Well, can you just wait until I've finished reading the paper? I love reading the funnies before my house is destroyed.
Narrator: What the…
Mr. L. Prosser: (interrupts) Hey! You didn't give me a stupid boring explanation-that-we-really-don't-want-to-hear thingie!
Narrator: Oh, all right. Mr. L. Prosser is a fat loony who sleeps with his dog (you sick bastard!) nightly. He hates people, which is why he loves demolishing houses. Twenty years ago, he was put in a nuthouse for trying to demolish Big Ben using bits of straw, chicken fingers, and Spongebob plush toys. He also hates money, so whenever he sees money, he starts chanting "Boom shacka lacka lacka" and takes off his shirt.
Prosser: Oh, come on! The dog was lonely! I'm not married! We're perfect for each other!
Arthur: Excuse me, but did anyone notice that I am currently lying flat in front of this bulldozer so that it doesn't destroy my fireplace?
Prosser: What about the rest of your house?
Arthur: (patriotic-like) You can demolish my bed. You can demolish my kitchen. You can even take away my funnies section of the newspaper. But you will never destroy my fireplace! It keeps me warm at night! Shakoo Simitaka!
Narrator: Normally at this point, I would introduce Ford Prefect…
Ford: Yes!
Narrator: But I don't feel like it.
Ford: Damn!
Narrator: Stay tuned for Scene 2, where Ford tells Arthur of the impending… dooooooom! (makes creepy ghost sounds) And the dog-lover gets tricked yet again.
Narrator from TV Show: I'm not unconscious anymore!
(Prosser throws a frying pan at him.)
Narrator: Arrivedercheese!