Scene 2: Lewis Carroll
Narrator: This is Ford Prefect.
Ford Prefect: "'The time has come,' the Walrus said, 'to talk of many things.'"
Narrator: Ford happened to have learned about the stories of author Lewis Carroll, and found a purpose for them. By quoting Lewis Carroll directly to someone, he could force them to do whatever he wanted.
Ford: " 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe."
Narrator: Ford used to be called Praxibetel Farquaad, but after watching Shrek, he decided to name himself after Henry Ford's invention…
Ford: Wait a minute. I want to change my name again.
Narrator: To what?
Ford: DeLorean Prefect.
Narrator: But there's no such car! Plus, DeLoreans and Fords are totally different.
Ford: Whatever. Be grateful you have me here, and not that ridiculous American actor they cast as me in the movie.
Ford from Movie: Hey! You can't insult me! I'm your counterpart!
Ford (DeLorean, sorry): "Off with his head!"
Ford from Movie: (trancelike) Yes, sir. (walks off)
Narrator: Ahem. Now then, Ford… DeLorean was going over to visit Arthur Dent to tell him something vitally important.
(DeLorean walks over to Arthur)
Arthur: Ford!
DeLorean: No, I am now DeLorean.
Arthur: What?
DeLorean: On second thought, I don't really like "DeLorean." You can call me Ford again.
Narrator: I said, vitally important!
Ford: Oh, yeah! Now I remember! Arthur, those colors just scream out "fashion disaster"! We need to fix that.
Narrator: (sighs) I tried.
Prosser: Hey, fellows! What's going on?
Ford: Nothing, and yourself?
Prosser: We were about to demolish this man's house, but he's refusing to let us.
Ford: Excuse me. (sings) Valim foobie… sakaa deeschi…
(Prosser starts barking.)
Ford: Just as I thought. He loves his dog.
Arthur: But how did you know?
Ford: I sang the mystical chant of the Whovilles, which causes a person to act like who they love. Watch this. (turns to another construction worker) Valim foobie… sakaa deeschi…
(Worker chirps like a dolphin.)
Ford: (pause) Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
Arthur: I have a theory: these guys love animals.
Ford: Animal lovers? They're regular Steve Irwins.
Steve Irwin: I'm Steve Irwin, and I do not approve this message!
Arthur: Oh, so now he's running for president? As if '04 wasn't bad enough.
Ford: How would you know? You're British!
Arthur: (sarcastic) Really? And I guess you're not British, then?
Ford: How right you are.
Arthur: (incredulous) What? But you have to be British! You actually know what crumpets are!
Ford: Whatever. Arthur, listen, there's something I need to tell you, and I need to tell you at the bar.
Arthur: Why?
Ford: "Curiouser and curiouser."
Arthur: (in a trancelike state) Yes, Ford. I will come with you to the bar and leave my house.
(The two of them get up.)
Prosser: Hang on! Who's going to stop me from bulldozing this house?
Ford: I thought you wanted to demolish this house!
Prosser: Well, it's no fun without someone getting flattened!
Ford: Okay. Come sit here.
Prosser: You're pointing in front of the bulldozer!
Ford: Exactly. Now come on.
Prosser: One good reason.
Ford: "The Queen of Hearts she made some tarts all on a summer's day; The Knave of Hearts he stole the tarts and took them clean away."
Prosser (trancelike) Yes, sir.
(Prosser lies flat in front of the bulldozer.)
Ford: Now, gentlemen, once we leave, destroy this house and roll over this man.
Arthur: What? But I don't want these…
Ford: "Twinkle twinkle little bat, how I wonder what you're at. Up above the world you fly, like a tea tray in the sky."
Arthur: (trancelike) Coming, Ford.
(They walk to the bar and enter.)
Ford; Barman? Six pints of mineral water and quick, the world's about to end.
Barman: This is a bar, sir. We don't have mineral water.
Ford: Grape juice?
Barman: No.
Ford: Seltzer?
Barman: No
Ford: Apple cider?
Batman: I am the dark knight.
Narrator: WHAT?
Author: Oh, sorry. Typo. Wrote "Batman" instead of "Barman." Won't happen again.
Barman: No!
Ford: What about cranberry juice?
Barman: Sir, we have none of these things!
Narrator: Refusing cranberry juice to someone from Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice is the worst insult you could ever give. Naturally, this caused Ford to attack the barman viciously with a large loaf of salami.
Ford: Eat Italian deli meat, you bastard!
Barman: Get off of me, you idiot!
Arthur: Shakoo Simitaka!
Ford & Barman: SHUT THE HELL UP!
Someone in the Bar: Kick his balls!
Someone Else in the Bar: Kick his arse!
Someone Else Else in the Bar: Kick his stomach!
Someone So Else, We Couldn't Exactly Explain How Else This Person Was In A Few Short Words: Kick his salami!
(Everyone looks at him.)
Someone So Else… You Get the Idea: Sorry.
Narrator: All of a sudden, something happened that was so remarkable, so amazing, and so weird, several people abandoned their glasses to see what was going on.
Someone in the Bar: Hey! Some guy's kissing a Labrador!
Narrator: There exists only two true forms of entertainment in the universe. The first, but less popular, bit of entertainment is a game of chess played on computers while racing down a busy highway at 100 miles per hour and eating chicken fajitas. This sport is most popular on the planet Dreek, but recently there have been sightings of this sport being attempted on thin ice by legendary superstar Shutup Effyoo and none other than Zaphod Beeblebrox, the seven-headed president of the galaxy. But the most entertaining thing you will ever see is a man kissing his dog. This happens to be widely popular among many races in the Andromeda Galaxy, not because of its convenient location near a planet containing multitudes of dogs, but because when the universe was created, strangely enough, the planets contained in the Andromeda galaxy all came with guidebooks on how to do anything, including kissing dogs.
Ford: (checks device) Crud.
Arthur: What's that?
Ford: It's an Electronic.
Arthur: An electronic what?
Ford: Nothing. Just an Electronic.
Narrator: Unfortunately, all of a sudden, suddenly, surprisingly,…
Random People: GET ON WITH IT!
Narrator: Fine! (narrating) There were large yellow somethings appearing in the sky that were so horrifying, so revolting, and so utterly disgusting, they looked so utterly like…
Arthur: (incredulous) Rubber duckies?
Narrator: WHAT? (looks through script) This wasn't in the script! The Vogons are evil, sadistic, and really, really bad!
Author: Yeah?
Narrator: So what the bloody hell are they doing piloting ships that look like rubber duckies!
Author: Beats me.
Narrator: That's it! I'm leaving!
Author: You can't just leave! Who's going to narrate?
Narrator: You do it!
Author: All right, all right! The Vogons can pilot really menacing rubber duckies. That better?
Narrator: Give them giant fangs.
Author: Okay.
Narrator: Ahem. (narrates) The Vogon ships that Ford and Arthur spotted while everyone else was watching Mr. L. Prosser kiss his dog were floating in the air in the exact same way rubber duckies do not.
Ford: Ladies and gentlemen of this bar, please accept this so that you may pay for as many drinks as you wish.
(Everyone turns to look at him. Someone in Bar examines the bill.)
Someone in Bar: This is an obvious counterfeit! What's a bajikidillion dollars?
Ford: 5 x 101,000,000 dollars.
Barman: That's a real bill, that is!
(Everyone goes for the bill.)
Ford: Take it. I've got a lot more. (gives them out) Now, I really need to go. Take care.
Barman: What's the rush, sir?
Ford: The world's about to blow up.
Barman: Nice day for it, isn't it?
Ford: Sure, let's go with that.
(He and Arthur run outside.)
Arthur: Wait a minute! They demolished my house! Those…
Narrator: Arthur and Ford then heard something that was very, very loud. The Vogons, apparently, had the ability to project their voices so they could broadcast messages across entire planets of grave importance.
Vogon Corporal: Congratulations! Your planet has been chosen to be the host of the 2020 Planetary Javelin Toss! All you need to do is learn how to throw 500-pound javelins!
Narrator: Why do I bother?
Voice: Get outta the way, you varmit! (clears throat) My name is Prostetnic Vogon Tex, and I've got news even better than Geico!
Geico CEO: NO! We just lost our biggest marketing ploy!
Prostetnic Vogon Tex: We wanted to put an intergalactic rodeo around the area, and to do that, we have to blow up your planet! Sorry!
Someone in Mexico: ¡Ah!
Someone in Japan: Ah!
Someone in Finland: (sings) Finland, Finland, Finland, that's the country for me!
Ford: Arthur, quick! Hold the other end of the Electronic!
Arthur: Okay!
(He holds it and springs appear on their shoes.)
Ford: Ready?
Arthur: No!
Ford: Go? Okay!
Arthur: Wait, Ford!
(Ford bounces them up and down and they keep gaining elevation with each bounce.)
Ford: If we can bounce ten more times in the next 20 seconds, we'll be able to make it onto one of the Vogon ships before the planet blows…
Narrator: And then the Earth blew up. Arthur and Ford died. The Vogons then went on to locate the planet where Elvis was on to blow him up.
(Pause)
(Pause)
(Pause)
(Pause)
Narrator: Just kidding.
Ford: 15…
Arthur: You know, it's times like this that make me wish I had taken my mother's advice!
Ford: Why? What did she say?
Arthur: I don't think it would help, though!
Ford: Anything would be helpful right now!
Arthur: She said "Don't eat yellow snow!"
Narrator: At the very instant that Arthur Dent said the word "yellow," the mouths of the rubber duckies, who are very vicious, opened and a total vacuum, the size of which any man has yet to see, sucked them into the Vogon ship without a moment's hesitation.
Prostetnic Vogon Tex: Ready? 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… 0.
(The Earth blows up, but then the pieces fuse into a giant slice of apple pie.)
Narrator: Did Arthur and Ford really make it? Why did the Vogons turn the Earth into a slice of apple pie? And why haven't we introduced Trillian and Zaphod yet? These answers and more will be revealed in Scene 3: One Froody Hoop!
Narrator from TV Show: I'm back!
(The Vogons shoot him with their blasters and he, once again, falls unconscious.)
Narrator: Off weedersane!