I'm Still Here
Summary: "I'm still here. Somewhere. Underneath the image."
Disclaimer: Not mine. Unfortunately.
AN: Companion to "I Could Be Him" and "Picture Perfect." You don't need to read the others to get this one, but they provide some helpful background.
The woman in the mirror has her hair in the perfect French Twist. Elegant and clean, it's the perfect hairstyle for a party. Her makeup is flawless, as usual, highlighting her beautiful blue eyes. Her diamond chandelier earrings, diamond necklace, and diamond tennis bracelet all match her gorgeous diamond engagement ring located just below her platinum wedding band. Her jewelry alone could put her child through 4 years at the most prestigious universities in the United States. The black cocktail dress she is wearing is perfect also. Not too revealing but not too covered up. She's still a young, desirable woman, married to an equally young, desirable man.
Perfect.
But I'm not perfect, and my life is not perfect.
But I'm okay with that.
Perfection doesn't always equal happiness.
I see the look in my husband's eyes as he takes my hand at the bottom of the staircase. It's more than just admiration of my beauty, my "perfection." I see love reflected in his eyes, underneath the façade years of society has imprinted on him.
And that's why I'm still in this relationship.
I know he's cheating on me, and I know he's been cheating on me for the last 3 months. Anyone who knew me in high school or early college would never believe that I'd stay with someone who cheated on me. But here I am.
Why?
Because I know the truth.
He still loves me, more than anything. He's cheating on me with his secretary because he thinks it's what he's supposed to do. Everyone around him does it. It's just sex. There's no emotion behind it. We're both so busy nowadays that I can't blame him.
I know what you're thinking. I'm detached. What happened to Rory Gilmore, the girl who had everything going for her and wasn't going to let anything stop her? Everyone I know has asked me that question.
The truth is that she's still here. She's a part of me. I'm still here. Somewhere. Underneath the image.
And slowly but surely, she's making her way out.
I'll be the first to admit, I pushed her away. When dealing with all the society bull, it was easier to send Rory Gilmore to a little room inside my head and let Lorelai Leigh Gilmore-Huntzenberger take over. Over time it became easier to push Rory away and let Lorelai take over full time. Once Lorelai took over, it just made sense to get involved in the DAR, to plan the events, the parties, and the fundraisers. It made sense to be Logan's perfect trophy wife. Lorelai was perfectly content, and Rory continued to be locked in a room in the back of my mind. Ignoring her became easier the more I involved myself with the society life.
My mother and Lane never understood why I took on this life. My mother did everything possible to keep me away from it, but still I ended up here. I did it because something was missing, and when I was in this life, the feeling lessened. Being a trophy wife didn't complete that missing piece, but it made Rory quiet enough for Lorelai to ignore it.
Rory didn't ignore things like that – missing pieces. She wanted to solve the problem. Lorelai figured as long as it wasn't getting in her way, it didn't matter.
We're at the party now, making the rounds. I'm talking to women about Hartford DAR events, comparing them to New York events. The men are talking about business. No meaningful conversations pass at these parties. I hear the gossip about who's sleeping with whom, who's addicted to what drugs, and who's divorcing whom.
To be honest, I honestly could care less. These people, this life means nothing to me. But it means something to Logan, and for him I put up with it.
Rory first made her reappearance with the birth of our daughter, Kristin. Our beautiful baby girl. She gave me another outlet for my energy. That missing piece was no longer missing. I found it in this wonderful, sweet, loving child. Lorelai was content to let her baby be raised by the nanny and continue being the trophy wife, but Rory wouldn't be shut out. Rory had seen how many of the children raised in society had turned out, and she didn't want that for her daughter. She swore that she would be present in her daughter's life as much as possible.
Of course Logan doesn't know that. Logan thinks Helen the one taking care of Kristin. Which is fine with me. I'm two people now, Lorelai around Logan/society and Rory around Kristin. Kristin allows me to be silly, to play with my daughter, to take care of her, to be there when she falls. Lorelai allows me to be the perfect wife Logan needs.
And I know you wonder why am I with Logan when I have to be a different person?
Because somewhere along the line it became impossible to be just Rory or just Lorelai. They are both such a part of me, of who I am today. Everyone else in my life sees me as one or the other, but there are times when I know Logan sees both of them in me. I see the slight smile that comes out when Lorelai says something so Rory. He loves it. I think he misses Rory.
Logan gets my attention as a blond man heads our way. Great, I thought we were done making the rounds. Oh well, time to put the smile back up.
"Tristan Dugrey," I hear Logan say.
That name sounds so familiar. It's on the tip on my tongue. Where do I know him from?
"Hello Logan," Tristan says.
Silence. I cough slightly to remind Logan to finish the introductions. It's a party; therefore, Lorelai is in charge. Rory would introduce herself, but at a party, it's only proper for people who know each other to do the introductions.
"Sorry, I'm a little tired," he says with an embarrassed smile. I can tell he's been shocked out of his musings. He's had something on his mind all evening. I know him better than he thinks. "Tristan, may I introduce you to my wife…"
"Lorelai Gilmore-Huntzenberger. We've met. It's been 10 years, but I still remember you, Mary."
Mary.
Now I know where I know that name from. Tristan "Evil Spawn-Bible Boy" Dugrey. The guy that made my life at Chilton a living hell for that first year or so. Now Lorelai would let the name slip go, but Tristan Dugrey has brought Rory out to play…at least for a little bit.
"Hello Tristan," I answer with a smile, shaking Tristan's hand. "I see you still haven't learned my name."
Alright, so I didn't go all out, but it's a start. Sue me. Lorelai's not so easy to shut up!
"Never, Mary."
I smile against my will. That damn nickname is not so annoying anymore. Actually it's kind of funny. A good memory from a time of my life I thought I hated.
Tristan's wife enters the conversation, scolding her husband for not introducing her. Lorelai's shocked, but Rory's enjoys it. The girls got spunk. I like her. For right now, I think Lorelai needs to go to her room and let Rory take over. I enjoy letting Rory take over, bringing me back to such a simpler time in my life.
We have a short conversation, Layla, Tristan, and I. Logan's back in his own little world. I can tell Layla and Tristan are anxious to leave this party. Before they go, I get to see pictures of their 4 year old twins. Adorable kids. And I, of course, have to show off my Kristin. Luckily Logan has his wallet with her picture in it, since I don't have my purse. Layla compliments the picture, and I know she's being honest. She's not one of the women who says one thing and means another. She's not Lorelai.
They go to leave, and my final words to them come out before I can even think about what I'm saying.
"It's been a long time, Bible Boy. Nice meeting you, Layla," I say.
Whoa! I guess Rory has taken over completely. And I smirked! I actually smirked. In a place where the smiles are faker than the boobs and more common than plastic surgery, I smirked. I don't smirk. I haven't smirked since college.
And it felt good. It felt good to let out the old Rory in front of Logan.
What do I see? I see the hints of a real smile on Mr. Huntzenberger's face. I see he's missed Rory as much as I have begun to.
"I didn't know you knew Tristan," I say, after a beat.
"I've met up with him a few times in London for stuff relating to his father's business. How do you know him?"
"We went to Chilton together before he went to military school."
"Mary?"
Now is his turn to smirk at me.
I laugh, an honest to God laugh. "He thought I was the Virgin Mary, so he called me Mary all the time. He can be quite the clever man."
"I still think Ace is better."
"I do, too," I answer with a smile lacing my arm through his.
He smiles at me, a real smile, as his squeezes my hand. Soon enough the moment's broken as one of Logan's father's friends comes up to speak with us. Rory's back in her room now, and Lorelai is in charge.
That night, after the party and without the makeup, the perfect hair, the jewelry, and the dress, I decide to let my walls down for a little bit and just talk to my husband.
"Logan, are you asleep?"
"Not yet, Ror. What's up?"
I take a deep breath because the next thing I'm going to say is the definite first step to letting Rory out for all the world to see.
"I'd like to start writing again. On a more frequent basis. No more of that "how to throw a perfect party or plan the prefect fundraiser." I want to write substance. Like when I worked on the Yale paper. I miss that."
He rolls over, and I'm afraid to look in his eyes. He's quiet for a few minutes.
"Okay."
"Okay," he says, again, a little bit louder. I look up to see a smile on his face. "All you had to do was ask, Ror. I'll get to work on it in the morning."
"No rush," I say, just happy to be sharing more of Rory with Logan.
"It's important to you," he says, with a smile, "So it's important to me. I want to do this for you. I've missed the spunky you."
Looks like he's let his walls down, too, tonight.
"Well, she's on her way back, buddy," I say with a predatory smile. I capture his lips with mine and kiss him aggressively, something I haven't done in years.
As we fall into bed, all that matters is we're Rory and Logan again. We still love each other as much as we did in college. I've just gotta take everything one step at a time. I know I have Logan, and I know he loves me. Tonight that's enough. Tomorrow I'll worry about writing again and balancing Lorelai and Rory. Maybe after that I can have a real conversation with my mother without this wall between us. And, just maybe after that, I can talk to Logan straight about the affair because now that Rory's coming out, I won't put up with it anymore.
I don't have to separate Lorelai and Rory anymore. They're both a part of me, and I need to embrace the fact that they can coexist peacefully.
After all it's as I said earlier, I'm still here. Somewhere. Under the image. And it's about time for me to let everyone know that.
AN2: The end…maybe. Now that I've got these in my head, I'm not too sure anymore. We'll see. It might continue a bit as a Rogan. Which if you know me is quite hysterical because I adore Tristan.