Scene 3: One Froody Hoop
Narrator: Before we return to Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect, we are now going to meet Zaphod Beeblebrox, the seven-headed president of the galaxy.
Zaphod: Whoo!
Narrator: Zaphod was wearing a bathing suit and was surfing around the planet of Damogran. Naturally, this was his way of making an entrance, as he was arriving at the unveiling of the most amazing ship in the universe.
(Zaphod winds up on dry land and walks over to the podium.)
Zaphod: Yeah! That was fun!
Heads 2-7: No, it wasn't!
Zaphod: Shut up.
(He pushes a button, and he is fully dressed in his presidential clothes.)
Zaphod: Well, hey there, folks! How's everybody tonight?
Audience: Fine, thanks! And how are you!
Zaphod: Oh, I'm great. I'm only just about to unveil the GREATEST SHIP IN THE UNIVERSE!
(Loud applause.)
Zaphod: But before I do, I would like to make a little speech.
Head 1: Ahem.
Head 2: Ahem.
Head 3: Ahem.
Head 4: Ahem.
Head 5: Ahem.
Head 6: Ahem.
Head 7: Ahem.
Zaphod: Now, as your president, it is my official duty to do presidential work. Therefore, I have been forced by my superiors to issue the following rules:
Rule #1: Party all night long!
Rule #2: Party all day long!
Rule #3: Party all afternoon long!
Rule #4: Party all evening long!
Rule #5: Party all sunrise long!
Rule #6: Party all midmorning long!
Rule #7: And party all the time!
(Everybody cheers except for one girl in the audience, who is busy playing handheld Tetris.)
Narrator: Meet Tricia McMillan, or, as she is now referred to as, Trillian. By a strange coincidence, Trillian happened to have met Arthur Dent only days before she was picked up by the seven-headed president of the galaxy.
(Flashback.)
Trillian: Excuse me! Does anybody here have the time!
Partygoer: Party time!
Another Partygoer: Dance time!
Yet Another Partygoer: Dinner time!
Trillian: Agh!
Arthur: Excuse me, it's 9:30.
Trillian: Thank you, Mr….
Arthur: Dent. Arthur Dent.
Trillian: You know, you're the first person here who I've seen that doesn't look drunk.
Arthur: Well, there are drinks everywhere, I suppose.
Trillian: Hold on a second. I'll be right back.
(She walks off and pours two glasses of wine. She walks back to find some other guy yelling at Arthur.)
Partygoer: What the hell's your problem, man?
Arthur: Stand back, or I shall be forced to punch your face in!
Partygoer: That's it! Eat lead!
Arthur: Shakoo Simitaka!
Trillian: (gasps) That's my exclamation! This is too weird!
(The partygoer tries to punch Arthur, but Arthur ducks. Arthur then headbutts the partygoer, who falls in a heap on the floor.)
Arthur: And if you ever mess with me again, I will sic my vicious dogs on you!
Trillian: Wow! That was incredible!
Arthur: Thank you, miss…
Trillian: Oh. Tricia McMillan.
Arthur: A pleasure. Oh.
(He takes one of the wine glasses from her, and they walk outside.)
Arthur: This is quite a beautiful night.
Trillian: Yes, it is, isn't it?
Arthur: Can I ask you something?
Trillian: Mm-hmm.
Arthur: Would you…
Zaphod: Hey there!
(Zaphod walks over with bags over his other six heads.)
Arthur: Can we help you, sir?
Zaphod: Nope. Just checking out the lady here.
Trillian: Excuse me?
Zaphod: Yeah. I think I could probably excuse you.
Trillian: Do you mind?
Arthur: Do you even have a mind?
Zaphod: Come with me, baby doll. Leave this boring idiot and let's go. I've got a real spaceship.
Trillian: Why would I do a thing like that?
Zaphod: "Have no friends not equal to yourself."
Narrator: It is now important to point out that in the universe, if you ever want the ability to hypnotize someone, all you have to do is pick a famous person and do a complicated dance and chant at the same time, mentioning their name. Ford, like you already know, quotes Lewis Carroll, while Zaphod uses quotes from the Chinese sage Confucius. There are many others who do this, but possibly the most interesting of them is the mysterious creators of Incredibly Deep Thought being able to do that same thing with quotes from the Earth comedian Groucho Marx, despite the amazing difference in time between the creation of the giant supercomputer and the creation of the grease-mustached funnyman.
Trillian: (dazed) Okay. Coming.
Arthur: What? Tricia?
Trillian: (dazed) Sorry, Arthur.
(She walks off with Zaphod.)
(End flashback)
Zaphod: Now, it is my great pleasure to reveal to you…
Narrator: Ba da ba da ba da ba da ba da ba da ba da ba da. (pause) What? It's a drumroll!
Zaphod: The Heart of Some Gold-Resembling Element that Isn't Gold!
Narrator: Wait a minute. It's the Heart of Gold, not the Heart of Some Gold-Resembling… whatever!
Zaphod: Well, the tech guys wanted to use real gold, but some idiot stole all of it.
Narrator: Who?
Zaphod: Some guy named Max Bialystock.
Max: I'm rich again!
Narrator: Oh, get out of here, you greedy pig!
(Max leaves.)
Zaphod: However, ladies and gentlemen, there is something I would like to share with you. This!
(He throws a grenade out at the audience and it detonates. Everyone except Zaphod and Trillian are gone.)
Trillian: Um, they're not exactly gone…
Zaphod: What? This thing's supposed to kill people!
Narrator: Wait a minute. You're Zaphod Beeblebrox, the cool president of the galaxy! You don't just go around killing people!
Zaphod: Relax, they're not dead. They turned into Pez dispensers.
Narrator: Oh. (pause) Pez dispensers?
Trillian: Yeah, they're all Pez dispensers.
Zaphod: Cool. Now let's take this ship and get out of here before they find us.
Trillian: Zaphod, I don't think that's such a good…
Zaphod: "Even when walking in the company of two other men, I am bound to be able to learn from them. The good points of the one I copy; the bad points of the other I correct in myself."
Trillian: (dazed) Coming.
Narrator: Stay tuned for Scene 4, where Ford and Arthur find themselves inside the giant Vogon ship!
Narrator from TV Show: Why can't I narrate for once?
Narrator: Because of my guard dogs. Sic him.
Narrator from TV Show: AAAH!
Narrator: Until next time, Adeeos!