Mixed Signals by Posh and Stoneygem

Part 12

When Joseph finally emerged from the bathroom, dressed in a pair of fresh pyjamas and a plain black robe, it was already night. The lodge stood in darkness, Clarisse had made no attempt to turn any of the lamps on and he wasn't about to break the melancholic mood. At least it was warm, how different things could have been. Stuck here together as a storm raged outside, the windows iced, the snow piling up at the door, a fire burning brightly in the hearth… they should have been cuddled up in front of it enjoying the solitude. But no, they were barely able to communicate.

He considered climbing into bed alone but his sensibilities forbid him and instead he made his way downstairs. Padding barefooted down the open wooden staircase he could make out the light from the fire illuminating her face. She sat on the floor, a blanket over her legs, a glass resting on her knee, so she'd found the whisky bottle, he mused.

He passed the back of the lounge silently not wishing to disturb her and headed straight for the kitchen. He wasn't exactly starving but he realised they needed to eat something at least. She never could hold the strong liquor; if she drank anymore she'd wake up feeling like hell. Perhaps she'd wake up feeling like that anyway but well, he could but try.

He located a few things in the cupboards, dried pasta and rice but taking the time to prepare it seemed out of the question, and then to eat it plain… sighing he returned it to the cupboard. In an unmarked tub he found nuts, raisins, dried fruit. It wasn't decadence but he could munch on that for a while. In another cupboard he found a pack of unopened biscuits, ginger. Well, they would suffice. He boiled more water and made a pot of Peppermint Tea, then placing his finds on a tray he carried it through to the lounge.

She visibly jumped when he knelt down next to her putting down the tray. She hadn't expected to see him for the rest of the evening.

"It's not the Ritz but I think this will do until tomorrow."

"Sorry?" She said groggily.

"Rations."

"I'm not hungry."

"Well, that's a good thing looking at this." His voice was light, trying to lift the mood.

She continued staring into the fire, swirling the hazy liquid in her glass.

"How much of that have you downed?"

"Second glass." She lifted it to her lips and drained it. "Do you wish to join me in another?"

She reached across the carpet for the bottle but he caught it first and lifted it from her reach, also taking the glass from her hand.

"Have some Tea."

"At this point I think I'd rather be drunk."

"Well me too but somehow I don't think that's going to help us get through this."

"I beg to differ."

"Indulge me for a while…"

"And pray why should I do that?" Her voice was sharp and cutting.

"Clarisse! Give me a break, just for a moment. Drink the flaming Tea."

He moved next to her, leaning against the couch next to her and stretching his feet towards the fire.

For several minutes they sat in silence, Joseph couldn't think what to say, Clarisse simply didn't want to say anything. The fire crackled and smoked its way up the chimney and outside the snow continued to fall.

The darkness of the room swallowed up the couple, seizing any words they may have attempted to form. Dampening spirits even further and leaving a dull numbness to the events of the day.

Finally Joseph breathed deeply. "Sad hours seem long"

She swallowed, her throat suddenly very dry. "You're quoting to me now."

"Seemed apt. Besides I've run out of things to say."

She turned her head to regard him, recalling how he looked earlier in the bathroom. So drained and weary, so tired, now the firelight flickered across his handsome face and he seemed well again, more himself, more the man she knew.

She was tempted to reach across and touch him, to run her hand down his cheek to his jaw line, across his beard, when she reached his lips she knew he'd kiss her fingertips, perhaps across her palm to her wrist and then all would be lost.

So instead she remained still, leaving her hands firmly resting in her lap, but keeping her eyes on his face.

"The thought occurred to me, as I sat here, that I could have lost you… if the tests had brought bad news. And I wondered, if then you would have told me…"

"Clarisse." He warned.

"No it's my turn is it not, would you have told me if the results had been bad news, or would you have waited until you had to be rushed into hospital, or perhaps in a note after your dea…" She couldn't finish the sentence because a sob escaped her throat. She clamped her hand over her mouth, cursing herself for being so weak.

"Right now, I wonder if you would even care." His words were hardly registered, said under his breath yet the swiftness with which she turned to him and grabbed his hands shook him from the dull mood.

"Not care, if you died, do you think me that cold?"

"I'm not sure what I think at the moment Clarisse."

"You hid a serious health condition for me, you led me to believe our marriage was already over, I could have helped." She gulped back her tears. "I would have helped, I… I couldn't imagine being here without you, not now."

Her honesty was raw and it gripped his chest, perhaps this was a breakthrough.

"I never meant to hurt you so badly, I never wanted to push you away. After everything that happened with Rupert and then, and then Philippe, I didn't want you to worry that it might be me next."

Her palm hit against his chest. "You're tearing me apart…" Her sobs were constant now; tears spilling from already sore eyes. "Damn you Joseph, I can't forgive you for deceiving me but damn it I can't be without you, and if you'd been ill, if…"

He caught her flailing hands and brought her head to his shoulder, wrapping his arms around her back and holding her. Really holding her, for the first time in weeks.

"Shhh, darling," He hastily snuffled back his own tears. "Oh Clarisse, how did we get to this. How did we allow it to get to this?"

Hours passed and still they remained in front of the fire. Clarisse lying on her side with a pillow from the couch beneath her head staring into the flames, Joseph behind her, his head propped up on one arm so he could see her face. His other hand rested on her hip, his thumb gently stroking her, it was a tiny amount of pressure but she felt it as keenly as if he were licking her skin.

She breathed deeply as another tear slid down her face, she thought perhaps at some point she'd run out of them but just when she thought it was over some painful thought would flip through her mind and another would fall.

He watched her struggle with her emotions, watched as she wiped her already sore cheeks and attempted to keep her breathing on an even keel.

"Do you think…" She shifted her head a little, lifting her mouth up from the pillow. "Do you think this will work… us?"

"Well I'm not giving up."

"That's not a fair answer." She shuffled over onto her back to look at him. "I'm sorry for the things I said to you, the accusations, the unkind words, the downright malicious words. I've never been like that… I was torn between jealousy and hatred and embarrassment and disgust… and then feeling sorry for myself, feeling that in the end it was inevitable, it was my fault."

His hand had slid onto her stomach when she'd turned and now he daren't move a finger for fear of losing the contact.

"If you can't let go of this self doubt Clarisse, these grievances about not being attractive enough… constantly wondering if I'm looking elsewhere then how can we move forward? Hmmm…" His voice was gentle, almost soothing, though his words were to the point. "I can only proclaim my love for you in so many ways, I can only reassure you of how incredibly beautiful you are so many times… if you don't even believe in my words. It comes down to trust again does it not?"

"Yes, I suppose it does. It's not that I don't believe you…" She moved again, lifting herself up the pillow so her head was level with his. "You must understand Joseph I've been alone for so long, and besides it's not as if I've even had a proper relationship before, let alone experience anything like this," She shrugged. "I don't know how to handle this. I'm constantly doubting my role."

"You seem to think this just happens to us, do you think every newly married couple gets it perfectly right straight off? Every couple has a period of adjustment, learning the other, negotiating the roles… most have that period called 'dating' to ease them into it. We had hidden rendezvous and emotions kept in check. Hardly the ideal way to begin."

"What if I get it wrong?" She whispered.

"We won't…" He sighed. "I apologise too, I went about this whole health issue the wrong way. I shut you out because I thought it was for the best, and as it went on it got more difficult to try and explain it to you. I thought it would be okay, in the end, I thought holding you at night and still being your friend would somehow ease away the difficulties… I misjudged you and I'm sorry. But what it has shown is our problems Clarisse, we can either choose to get up tomorrow and start again sweetness and light, happy to be together at last and forget these past two months, or we can address them."

She closed her eyes; she already knew the route they would have to take.

"Because beneath whatever problems we have, how ever much we've hurt each other recently the bottom line is we love each other… don't we?"

"Oh yes." She breathed looking up at him.

He smiled, possibly for the first time in a week and gently touched her cheek. "Then we'll work through this together. We have to learn to share certain things, to trust in each other."

She touched his hand where it lay on her stomach and folded her fingers with his battling more tears and struggling unsuccessfully to hold them back. "Oh, ohhhh…." She groaned quickly twisting onto her side and burying her head against his chest.

When she finally pulled back and lifted her face to his he was still smiling at her, his hands on her back soothingly rubbing her skin through her robe.

"I never stopped loving you." She said honestly, it wasn't often Clarisse said the words, still rather uncomfortable saying it out loud and the depth of her feeling wasn't lost on him. "It somehow got lost amongst the doubt and anger…"

"Then you don't wish to divorce me?" He was holding her face now, smoothing away her tears as he smiled, his eyes sparkling once again.

She allowed herself a small ironic smile. "No, not just yet."

"Good." He kissed her forehead then held her close again, tucking her head against his shoulder.

Joseph lay flat on his back staring at the ceiling, at the shadows the dying fire cast upon it. Soon he would have to move and freshen it otherwise they would wake cold. Not that sleep seemed likely anytime soon. He wasn't about to disturb his wife just yet, she lay half on top of him, her head on his chest, one arm tightly around his waist the other lying on his chest, toying with the buttons on his shirt. For the first time she was actually revealing something of great personal importance and pain to him, a step towards that sharing he hoped for.

"It only happened twice." She said gently. "I mean seriously, after my sons were born our… relationship dwindled and eventually died out in that respect. He had lovers and I didn't mind, to be honest I was grateful to them. I know you think of my sleeping with a man I didn't love sickening…"

"Not sickening, just, painful."

"Perhaps it was, at times, but I was raised that way Joseph, I never knew anything other than that kind of life… certainly never anything like this. Nobody spoke of love in the family."

He closed his eyes as he listened to her speak, her voice taking on a deep yet somehow soft tone, resigned to the truth of what she was telling him.

"The first time I was in the library, it was autumn, November I think and very cold, I was by the fire reading when he came to me. We were arguing I think, or had been, over my wanting the boys to spend time with normal children… experience something of the real world in a summer camp. He disagreed, I went ahead and planned it anyhow, being the pushy woman that I am, and well, we'd been arguing for a while over it. Then, that evening,"

She swallowed before continuing, the events coming back to her in a blur, no feelings about it any longer, just a dull ache, as if she was witnessing some other woman go through it.

"I was trying to ignore him I remember that, continued to read as he stormed about the room hurling abuse at me, then he took the book from me and threw it in the fire and I shouted back. And then, well, things happened so fast, and I blocked it out, pretended that it hadn't really happened. He only hit me once, I remember standing there in utter shock staring at this man, this man I'd lived with for so many years, this man whose children I'd bore and my brain couldn't comprehend that he'd actually done it. I must have turned away from him, headed for the door but he grabbed me from behind and dragged me across the room to the table… do you remember that table, huge old thing that had been in the Palace for centuries and…"

"You had the workmen burn it when the renovations took place."

"Yes I did." She took another deep shuddering breath before continuing. "Well, there on that table. And afterwards he just left me there, and somehow I had to find this strength to get up again… this façade slipped into place, this stoic cold woman who could switch her emotions off when she needed to."

He squeezed her shoulder, couldn't find words to offer her for comfort, what comfort could be found now, it was over twenty years ago.

"The second time he was drunk, and it was years later, not as violent. He never mentioned it, never, in all those years. Those months when I sat by his bed soothing his discomfort, watching him slowly slip away he never once mentioned it. He wasn't by nature a violent man Joseph, you know that, just occasionally, well, you can't get anymore stress than being a King, a madman can look to being a king to escape his madness… where does the king go?"

"That's no excuse for hurting you."

"Perhaps not. But it's a fact."

He slowly exhaled the breath he'd been holding. "And this morning in the car…"

Now she lifted her head. "Oh that was nothing like it… no, I wanted that." She blushed glancing at their entwined hands. "Part of me wanted that. Some kind of release."

"I wanted it too, just not in that way." He allowed his free hand to run through her hair. "I've missed you so much."

She turned her head and caught his palm with her lips, kissing him sweetly. "I've never shared that with anyone."

"I know." He held her face not allowing her to turn away. "How do you feel?"

"Not too bad actually, but I think now's the time to allow me another whisky."

He smiled steadily at her. "Yes, I think so too."

Joseph leant over Clarisse's sleeping form and threw more wood into the fire. Steadily he pulled himself back and lay down next to her, lifting the sheets and wrapping them around his body. He glanced at the clock above the fireplace, 2:35 a.m. and he'd yet to sleep. Each time he closed his eyes another thought would invade and take over and he couldn't find peace.

She stirred next to him, turning slightly, her arm lay above her on the pillow and he watched as her body settled back into a restful position. Her leg was barely brushing his; freed from the confines of her robe he reached down and touched her silky skin. How could she doubt her beauty so much? Have so many negative views of herself?

He closed his eyes again, he really should sleep, who knew what tomorrow held. Perhaps more walking if no help arrived. He felt her turn again; facing him now, her hand rested on his chest, her face snuggled into his neck.

She murmured something and he tightened his hold on her waist. She must be dreaming, either that or waking, her hand was tracing patterns over his arm, pushing the sleeve of his shirt up to make contact with his skin. He could smell her hair, leant his head forward just a fraction and buried his face completely in the softness.

Then she kissed his neck and he groaned… one kiss and he was groaning. Her body was too close, and it had been too long since they'd taken the time to adore and worship properly. Not some frenzied physical thing but a moment of complete adoration. His face tickled as she moved and her hair slid up his face, he thought about opening his eyes but then found her lips hovering over his, not quite touching yet but he could feel the warmth of her breath, the heat of her skin, her perfume so blissfully intoxicating.

It seemed to him that time had stilled for a second, the air hung around them so close and not one sound interrupted the moment. Her bottom lip barely touched his and yet he shuddered, desperately trying to hold back. Finally her top lip rested against his, tantalisingly close yet still the kiss was fragile, she was slowly waking in his arms.

She breathed and slipped forward her mouth fully covering his, pressing against him firmly now, seeking his kiss. He felt her arm rise over his back, touching the nape of his neck and her mouth opened. He couldn't resist slipping his tongue forward to seek hers, so soft, so much delicious warmth and the kiss was complete.

They kissed for what seemed an age, arms and hands and legs touching and caressing as their mouths assaulted each other in the most delicious of ways. Communication through words may have been difficult to come by at the moment but certainly their bodies had missed the other and were now making up for it.

They made love there on the rug in front of the fire, slowly, leisurely, worshipping, reverence and devotion driving the act onwards. No words were spoken, the only sounds of her sighs and gasps, his deep groans. Afterwards he was the one to cry, she felt the moisture seeping down her neck as he head lay on her shoulder. Soothing him she rubbed his back, held his body with her legs. In time they turned together, lying on their sides, legs still wrapped together, arms holding the other close. Sleep came, peaceful and for the first time in so long, serene.

Joseph woke slowly, grudgingly; he was blissfully warm and content. Lying back in the softness of the pillow, the feel and fragrance of her body still wrapped around him, this was how mornings should be. Hearing the clock chime again in the hall he opened his eyes, and quickly shielded them from the sunlight coming through the slight gap in the drapes.

Complaining about it he turned his head and buried it in the pillow. He felt Clarisse shift in his arms and gripped her waist a little tighter, he didn't want the contact to end quite yet. He wanted to stay here feeling completely relaxed and content, and not have to face up to the fact that despite their making love last night they still had a hell of way to go in their relationship. At least this was a start, a damned good start, he told himself smiling.

"Joseph…" She whispered.

He could feel her looking at him, he didn't move or flicker an eye, perhaps she'd lay back down and go back to sleep with him. He felt her pull herself from his arms though, he growled and pulled her back to him.

She giggled. "Joseph… I need to get up."

"Stay here with me." He nuzzled her neck, kissing her collarbone.

"I have to… I'll be right back." She sat up again, tilting her head down and kissing his forehead.

"Hurry. And don't let the cold in."

"Oh I do apologise Sir."

She reached for his shirt that had been abandoned the night before and unevenly fastened a few buttons to keep her discreet as she climbed the stairs.

A few minutes later she returned downstairs and slipped beneath the blankets next to him, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pressed his head against her chest feigning sleep.

"Joseph…"

"Hmmm…"

"The sun is shining."

"I know."

Which means the snow will be melting."

"Yes."

"And we will have to go home."

He squeezed her waist. "You're not pleased with that thought?"

"Things will change."

"Undoubtedly."

He felt her sigh and lifted his head to look at her. "Clarisse, darling we can't expect it to suddenly be perfect."

"I know that." She said exasperated, for a second he thought she was angry again, her eyes closed and brow furrowed, but then she gazed at him again and touched his face. "I don't want to lose you."

"You won't."

He slid his fingers into her hair and brought her mouth down to his.

"Now." He said gently. "We should dress before the cavalry arrives."

Hope you enjoyed that slightly happier chapter :-) if you are of age there is an adult version of this chapter just mail me if you'd like to read it. There is also an extended "adult" version of This Bed too if anyone wants to read that. Thanks Rhonda