Ah, another day, another chapter. I swear I am so lucky- the things I'm revising are coming up, and not the things I'm ignoring! Thanks muchly to everyone who is reviewing, coz your reviews brighten my day in the middle of my exams! Horrible nasty things (exams, not reviews). You may all have a stroopwafel, because they are gorgeous and I am eating one right now.
Anyways, here's the next chapter. Oh, and does anyone know why anyways is an accepted spelling on my computer?
I open my eyes, and promptly shut them again. The surrounding area is white, so I'm obviously in the infirmary. Then I remember. Severus… he'd been down do the Shrieking Shack, and I'd almost killed him. But James had saved him, hadn't he?
"Rem?"
I smile weakly at Sirius. "Hey. What happened, last night?"
He's sat on the edge of my bed. His eyes are lined at the corners; he obviously hasn't put his eyeliner on yet. He looks as though he barely slept last night. I know I probably look no better, but Sirius is usually the one who can sleep for twelve hours. He's looking anxious as well, and he's clasping his hands nervously.
"Re, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do, it just happened, and I'm so sorry, but he…"
I hold up my hand. "Slow down."
He takes a deep breath. "I told Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow."
"What?" At first, I can't believe him.
"I know, Re, and I'm so so so so sorry."
"Is he ok?"
"Yeah, James pulled him away. But he knows that you're a wolf. He can't tell anyone though, coz Dumbledore said he'll be expelled if he does."
I shut my eyes. "Go away, Sirius."
He takes my hand in his and looks into my eyes. "Please, Rem, just let me explain."
I turn away. "There's nothing that you could say. I could have killed him."
"Not like that would have been a great loss," he mutters.
I round on him, and spit my words out. "You think this is funny? You totally self-obsessed git. You never think about anyone else, do you?"
"I think about you, Re. And Prongs."
"Don't call me Re!" He's still holding my hand. I push the other one through my hair. "You obviously weren't thinking about me when you told Snape. Did you ever consider how I'd feel if I killed someone?"
"It wouldn't've been you."
"As good as. I would see it that way, and so would the Ministry. They would have 'culled' me if I killed."
"What?" He's leaning forward, his eyes wide.
"They inject the veins of the werewolf with silver nitrate solution. The iron in the blood displaces the silver, and soon the werewolf's blood is pure silver. It's a slow death. Painful."
"Oh God." His eyes are pained. "Remus, Moony, I swear, I didn't know, and if I had I would never have told him."
"You shouldn't have told him anyway!"
"I know. Something came over me, and it was a moment of madness."
"Please, go."
He lets go of my hand, and stands up. He looks so sad, and there are tears in his eyes. He smiles sadly. "What's that song you're always singing? Bohemian Rhapsody?"
"What about it?"
"Mama, just killed a man. Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he's dead…" I listen to him despite myself. His voice is strong and clear, although he's too self conscious to use it that often. He lowers his voice. "Re, I've done that. I've killed something between us. And I hate myself so much for that. I'm sorry."
He starts to go, but I can't just let him leave. "Padfoot, tell Prongs to get my homework." He nods, and walks out the door.
Why? I can feel the tears coming up in my eyes, and shut them tight. My hands clench into fists in the sheets. Why the hell? And why Sirius? Couldn't it have been someone else? Anyone at all? This wouldn't hurt so much if it had been James or Peter. But Sirius… He knows almost everything about me. He knows how scared I am. Scared of losing control, of breaking away from them one day and killing someone. He's seen me in the middle of the night after I've been dreaming, when I'm scared that I'm a monster. He's held me and stopped me crying when someone makes a comment about werewolves being beasts, and he tells me that he knows I'm not like that. How could he say that and yet use me? He knows I would have killed Snape. And he still told him. The only conclusion I can come to is that he wanted me to kill Snape. That hurts- he obviously thinks of me as a monster. Besides that, he knows how much I'd rather be here than at home. If everyone finds out then there'll be calls for me to leave Hogwarts, and even Dumbledore can't defy everyone. I've never wanted anyone to know. It's one of my most closely guarded secrets, and when I found out that the other Marauders knew I made them swear to secrecy. Does that mean nothing to Sirius?
I love him. So why did it have to be him who made me feel like this? I think that if there really is a God he's laughing at me. He must hate me. What other reason is there for how bad everything in my life is? The one person in this life who I really care for doesn't feel anything for me. He just wants to use me. To him, I'm nothing. And yet… I couldn't bear not being with him. Watching him, speaking with him, touching him. Without him I'm nothing. I have no reason to live. He's a drug to me, and I know I'm helplessly addicted.
That's why I'd said something to him as he left. That way he'd know that I still want to be friends. But I don't know if I can forgive him.
Ok, so that was weird. It went all different near the end from what I had planned. Well, the reason Rem is being so strange about Siri is this- Siri knows that Rem hates the wolf, and is scared of hurting someone, but Siri still sent Snape down to almost certain death. Rem is also thinking slightly irrationally. Just because he is.
EsScaper- How's his pain? If it's not gone into too much detail, with Rem having a go at Siri, that's because it's coming up. I think Rem's the kind of person who bottles things up until they erupt all at once. What do you think?
checkmarks- I recommend chocolate to everyone. Even though I don't eat too much- but I do like chocolate biscuits and cheesecake. Eat them! And Siri is smelly. But he'll get nicer. Maybe. I hope reading this makes everything else easier!
Silverwitch07- Cool! Snape won't be in this anymore (I don't think). It was just so that we could see Rem feeling pain and betrayal (I'm an evil person). I don't really like SSRL fics- Moony and Padfoot are destined to be together, and anything else goes against the laws of nature. Although some of the SSRL fics are well written.
SLC- Aw, someone's praising my 'Quality of Written Communication' (as they call it in GCSEs). Would you believe it's all my own work? No beta round here, nope. Just me and my lovely computer… who needs a name. Any ideas? Anyone?
KawaiiMegami86- Are you getting a crush on Siri? You may have to fight Rem for him, you know ;) And you always give me huggles! Thank you!
carpe-nox-sulum-nox- That was one seriously big squee. Wow, was I really worth all that:blushes: Ta! And I actually like this fic, and know where I'm going with it, and I get so many lovely reviews, and that's why I update it so much. There's another fic out there that I haven't updated for about two or three months. It's not slash, so at the moment I'm not interested in writing it. At least the curse has been temporarily lifted… But write more fics like Playing With Fire, or I'll curse you with my inflatable silver hammer.
winterbaby93- Cool, I'm popular. And you'll be pleased to hear that I plan on a couple of sequels to this. Hope you review them too! When I actually write them, that is. Hahaha, just wait til the next chapter… none of you will like me then… 'twil be very VERY angsty…
ISC- Yeah, but then again he has got greasy hair ;) And there's still a couple of chapters left. What will happen with our two favourite Marauders?
Versipellis- Ah, different. The story of my life. I think Sev would like Rem, coz Rem never pranks him, and of course Rem is drop dead gorgeous.
darkstarr- As you can see, Rem will not be corrupted by Sev. Thanks for the thing about the exams, but I won't know until August. And, well, does Siri love Rem? I'm a hopeless romantic at heart (although I try to be a cynic), so I think everyone can guess.
sirisuly delusional- Is this what you expected? I like answering everyone's pleas by updating regularly. Yay!
Lykaios Nyx- Stromboli is a funny name :snigger: (sorry if anyone's surname is Stromboli- but if we're talking about funny names, my middle name beats all) And Siri is still being a bit of a prickhead. But as he sings Queen we'll forgive him. I will, anyway. You're going to get a fic dedicated to you, and it will be posted soon. Probably called Dear Remus.
butterflywings32- Nah, no SSRL. And I use the word wrongest, so it must exist if two people use it. Aw, and you would have carried on reading even though it was cringey (that's from my friend's 'dictionary'). That makes me feel bubbly inside!