This will be my longest chapter yet! I think. Peter's a git in this chapter. It was going to be James, but then I decided I liked him.
Oh, and extra helpings of chocolate cheesecake if you can tell me where I got my extra characters from! They're all from the shows I was watching when writing this.
There are suicidal themes in this chapter. Just bear with me, Remmie is drunk and not thinking straight. Promise you he won't die, so read? Please?
I don't know how I let James talk me into this. He was probably helped by the Firewhiskey I've been drinking all night. I can't help it. It's been about four weeks since the betrayal, and the full moon is coming up. Things between Sirius and I have been strained. We still talk, but not closely. We haven't been alone together yet, and we haven't comforted each other after nightmares. So I want to block everything out, and this party seemed like the best place. And now we're playing Spin the Bottle, and I don't know why I listen to James.
Lily spins the bottle, and screeches. She really is drunk, a lot more than me. "Remus! He has to kiss…" She spins again. "Hotlips!" I lean over and kiss the blonde fifth year on the lips. Lily spins again. "Potter… Black! Ooh!" My two… best friends lean forward and kiss, James with a grimace and Sirius grinning. "Black again… kiss McFarland!" Sirius moves to kiss the guy, still smiling. He'll kiss anyone.
"I'm bored."
"Oh, getting scared, Potter?"
"No." James quirks an eyebrow. "I just think we should make things more… interesting. Now, it has to be a snog. For ten seconds."
Sirius claps his hands. "I'll go along with that."
I should leave now. This isn't a good idea. What if I get Sirius? We're not talking at the moment, so it could be embarrassing. More than that, someone might see what the kiss means to me. If I was sober, I wouldn't do this. But the fact that I'm drunk means the pros are outweighing the cons. I may get to kiss Sirius.
"Peter, and Kochanski." Kris makes a forced smile, and comes forward.
"10, 9, 8…" chant Sirius and James. As the kiss ends I see Kris wipe the back of her hand across her mouth.
"Oh, me… and Sam." The two girls kiss, and James whoops excitedly.
"Keep your pants on, mate," says Sirius.
"Remus. And Black." James winces. Sirius looks at me apologetically.
"Moony, if you don't want…"
"It wouldn't be fair otherwise." I lean forward and into his lips. At first he's shy, hesitant, but he gains confidence. I shut my eyes as his tongue explores my mouth. Dimly I can feel his hand entwining in my hair, and I put my arm around his neck. Somewhere I can hear James counting down.
"4, 3, 2, 1!" I draw back quickly. There's a slight question in his eyes, and I can't meet them. I know my cheeks are flushed, but hopefully everyone else is too full of alcohol to notice.
"What, again! Black and Carter." He kisses her, a smile on his face the whole ten seconds. I remember he smiled when he kissed James, and Jack. Not when he kissed me. What's wrong with me?
---
We're sat in the dorm. The other three are sat on the floor playing Exploding Snap while I lie back on my bed. It's late, or early, depending on your point of view. I can feel a headache coming on. My hangovers seem to start before I even get sober.
"Ha, Padfoot, in your face!"
"Oh, shut up Prongs."
"Padfoot, d'you think McFarland is gay?" Sirius laughs, that stupid bark, at Peter's question. "Is that a no?"
"Oh, Merlin, Wormtail. Jack is so bent he makes a corner look straight."
"Gay guys freak me out."
Sirius sounds mad. I can't see him, and maybe that's a good thing. "So I freak you out, Wormtail."
"You're not gay, Padders, you're bi." It's strange for James to be the voice of reason.
"Still, I like guys. Do I 'freak' you out, Wormtail?"
"That's not what I meant, Padfoot, and you know it. Let me explain. Gay guys, not bi, scare me. They only like other guys. It doesn't seem natural. They could be watching us, and we'd never know."
"Mind you," James sounds thoughtful, "at least you wouldn't have to worry about them stealing your girlfriend."
Sirius laughs slightly. "I still think you're talking out of your ass, Wormtail."
I can't take this. I stand up and begin to cross the room.
"Moony? Where're you going?"
"Out," I snap.
"If anyone sees you you'll get detention."
"Tell someone who cares." I leave the dorm, slamming the door behind me, and walk out of the tower. I don't care if anyone catches me. At the moment I don't care about anything. I have no idea where I'm going, I'm just walking with my head down. The portraits are all snoring around me. My hearing is sensitive this close to the full moon, and I can't hear Filch or that cat. There's nothing going on in my head, just a complete blur. My body's going where it wants, leading my head easily. It seems like my heart's been ruling my head recently. I haven't listened to my head. My head told me to get away from Sirius, to leave him alone. But I couldn't bear not to be with him, and so I stayed. But I think this has caused me more pain. Oh, it's good to see him, but everything's different. We can't talk. He was right, something has died between us. My heart ruled again tonight. I shouldn't have stayed. I need Sirius. I can't just stay being his friend, even if I was at the moment. I know I can't be his boyfriend, and that's what's killing me. He's with Stromboli. This is the longest he's ever been with anyone. I think Stromboli is the person Sirius loves. That hurts.
I look up. I'm in the Astronomy tower. Crossing to the window, I can see the moon above me, mocking me. I hate the moon. Being a werewolf, it hurts. The monster is inside of me, just hidden under the surface, and sometimes it's really hard to keep the wolf under control. It's partly the wolf's fault that I'm in love with Sirius. The wolf recognises Sirius as the alpha male, and tries to put itself under his dominance.
No one likes me. Oh, they might think they like Remus Julius Lupin, but they don't know me. They don't know my secret. If they did, they'd run from me. Everyone hates me, without even knowing they're doing it. I'm not my own person anyway. I'm 'Potter and Black's friend, the quiet clever one'.
Why can't I be me? I'm not them, and they're not me. I want to do something that makes me stand out. I can't just be their shadow for the rest of my life. Anytime I do find someone who does seem to like me, the others get jealous and spoil it. Like Severus. He wanted to speak to me, he liked me. But no, Sirius had to get rid of it. Now Severus won't even look at me, scared of seeing the wolf. It's only me who's not allowed to have any other friends. Sirius has more than I can count, James is friends with the Quidditch players, and even Peter has friends among the Hufflepuffs. No one complains about those. But I have to be kept alone, apart from everyone.
I'm a monster. The books all say so. A 'murderous beast' is what it says in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. In Defence Against the Dark Arts we're taught that werewolves are to be avoided at all cost, as if they have a deadly disease. Which it is. I used to think I was separate from the wolf, that it was a different part of me that I could control, or at least that it was a part that couldn't control me. Now though… at times, I lose control. It takes everything in my power to stop me from throwing people who annoy me across the room. I could have killed Severus. I remember the feeling, of excitement and bloodlust… I wanted to kill him, to hurt him and rip his body to shreds. I wanted it. Not the wolf, but every part of me.
What is there in my life to make me want to stay? Sirius hates me. Peter's scared of me, I see it in his eyes. James is too preoccupied with Lily to care. I have no real friends. Home… there's nothing for me there. My father's always drunk, and mother has no real interest in anything, not since the werewolf who gave me the bite also killed my sister. Going home only means staying locked up in a cellar for the full moon. My parents don't care what happens to me. Mother blames me for everything, I see it when she looks at me.
Peter's feelings on gays… I'm gay, I know it. The only person I've ever liked is Sirius, and he's male. James would tell me that Peter's feelings don't matter, but I know he's just like other people. Other people would hate me for being gay, turn away from me. I don't want to be different, but I can't help that I fell in love. If I could, I would have chosen someone who wouldn't break my heart, someone I know could love me back.
I move to the window. Up here the windows are large, so that several students can look out at once. I can fit through the window. I kneel on the window and look down. This is the tallest part of the castle. If I fell, I wouldn't survive.
I don't wanna die, I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all…That song seems to sum up my life. I take a deep breath, and shut my eyes.
Well? Will Rem jump? Will someone stop him? Remember, when you review you are fuelling an addiction (but ah well). I'm going to try to finish this before I go on holiday, but I may not succeed. Probably will.
ISC- Woah, were you hyper? I want them to hook up too, but not yet I'm afraid. And, just because you washed his hair and made him shimmer Sev is going to be in the follow up to this fic. Which I haven't written yet. Called Save Me- everyone, keep a look out for it!
KawaiiMegami86- Aw. I think everyone identifies with Rem- he's the different person in all of us. That was a 110 word sentence you wrote. Wow, but I love long reviews. And I like your HP fic! Keep on with it, when you get bored. That's when I write ;)
winterbaby93- I'm sorry. I cried a little writing it, but I was also upset because Will and Jack in Will and Grace are perfect for each other. But that's completely different, so… Sirius is bi, and everyone knows it, so him being with either sex is just normal. I didn't think before about whether Siri was still with Stromboli. So thanks, for reminding me and making me put in a plot point!
checkmarks- Short and sweet. I like it.
Silverwitch07- Aw, flattery will get you everywhere with me. Really? Aw. :blushes:
butterflywings32- What type of cookies? I like oatmeal and raisin (I have to be different). Don't worry, I understood what your first review meant. I'm not a big fan of mpreg, coz it seems strange to me. Aw, and you like me. Ta!
carpe-nox-sulum-nox- The thought of the squee is enough. Thank you. Now, those are a lot of things to come after me with. Ah, but I can beat it… I will come after you with Crazy Frog, Celine Dion and the Spice Girls! And any other awful bands I can find! If you haven't heard of them, take it from me they're awful.
deathfire1334- We're addicted because we're suffering Siridenial. No one can believe he's gone, and so have to resort to angsty slash to get their fix. He does have a reason, and it will be explained soon. Promise.
Versipellis- Ah, but Rem keeps things bottled up inside. I don't get to read the new book until at least the 26th! Damn stupid holiday, keeping me from reading…
Lady of Faerie- This is the first story I've ever written where I know exactly what's going to happen, so I'm happy (ecstatic more like) that people think it's good. And 'awesome'!
Robyn1212- Everyone should be slash addicts. I hope (that's twisted, but hey) that you cried at this chapter too! And must ask, in your fic 'A Guardian Angel' is she called after you?
Lykaios Nyx- Don't squash those darlings too much! And don't worry, reviews get to me eventually. I can cope with a little delay :sniff: ;)
Lil-Riter- Another one of the hand stalkers! Yay! I would make the chapters longer, but then they'd be really boring in the middle, and would take forever to be updated coz I'd get bored. I have the attention span of a gnat.
SLC- Thank you for the names. I think it will be General Lee, coz that name seems to suit the thing.