Here it is, the next chapter. I'm exhausted. Hope you all appreciate it. Hell, you probably do, you're all lovely!
Sirius' POV. This may be the last chapter for a couple of weeks (please don't kill me). I'm going to Ireland to play with my baby cousin, which is really annoying as it means I miss 16th July. I have to wait till the 26th until I find out what happens. Smeg.
I hate the infirmary at this time of night. The light from outside makes the white room shine in strange places. It also makes you feel as though there's no hope for the people you're with. Hope. The greatest of human treasures, and the greatest of human curses. It can lift you up or destroy you in a single moment. Hope makes us believe things can be different, and then laughs in your face for daring to believe.
He's still in a coma. As I watch him he shudders and breathes my name. I come up here every night to watch him sleep. No one else knows. I can't let them see me with him. If they did then they'd realise just how much this damn well hurts. He looks so lost, lying there on the pillows, so pale and lifeless. His lips are constantly moving, talking feverishly. Evans said once that when eyes are moving under the eyelids it means the person is dreaming. I'm not sure how much I trust her Muggle nonsense. But it's a nice idea. I'd like to think he's dreaming of me. It's usually my name that he says. I bend over his bed to hear him better.
"Sirius…Padders…no, not Azkaban…I hate you…save me…run…yes, I knew him, or I thought I did…he was the one…we've got to explain…he thought I was the spy…he's gone…there's nothing you can do, Harry…" Harry. That name gets mentioned quite a lot. I can't help a surge of jealousy every time he says it. Harry could be anyone, someone in his family, or a friend, or a character in a book he read. But just the thought that he might be thinking about another man… I understand now why he got so upset about Stromboli, and I realise what an insensitive prat I've been. I really am awful. I'm not going to try to kill myself again, but I do hate myself. I'm a jealous idiot who thinks he has the right to expect all one person's love, while seeing other people.
That's partly why I drink. In a way, it's the only reason I drink. I know Prongs is right, and I should stop, but I can't. I need the alcohol. It helps me forget. When I'm drunk, I don't have to remember what a bastard I am. It means for a night I can go to sleep without seeing his terrified face in front of me. If only he'd let go. Then everything would be ok. He'd be awake, and able to carry on his life without me. But I still don't see what business it is of Potter's. If I want to muck up my life then it's my own choice. It would hurt Rem though, much as I hate to admit it. Well, if he does wake up, then I'll stop. Or I'll just hide it. He wouldn't be able to tell, and there's a potion in my trunk that masks alcoholic smells.
I'll change if he wakes up. I'll become so much better, if he wakes up and he'll have me. I won't let anyone else hurt him. And, if his injuries remain, then I'll look after him. I'll always think about him, and I'll do little things for him, like thinking about what he'd like to do and just generally being considerate. Not just in the crappy dates way. My dates always say 'Oh, you're so thoughtful'; but things like flowers and chocolates are all just part of the package. I'll stop being so arrogant. I'll never take him for granted.
I told Prongs that I didn't give a shit about how Re would feel if he woke up and I was drunk. I don't think I've ever told a bigger lie. I had to lie. Otherwise Prongs would have been able to see just how much Rem means to me, and I haven't managed to admit that to myself yet. If someone else knows, then somehow it becomes more real. I care so much about how Rem feels. If he looks at me disapprovingly it's enough to make me stop, and rethink. I don't want to make his eyes fill with pain. If I ever do, then I'll take myself away from him altogether, to stop the pain.
I look down at him again. His eyelids are fluttering, and I hear his voice, slightly stronger than before. "Siri?"
I grab his hand and hold it to my chest. "Re? Oh, thank Merlin, you're ok."
He smiles slightly, his eyes still shut. "Don't know 'bout that. What happened?"
I shut my eyes in pain and take a deep breath. "I jumped from the tower, but you held onto my hand. We fell, and you took most of the injuries."
He opens his eyes and searches my face. His amber eyes seem so alive, in contrast to the rest of his face. "Are you ok?"
"Yeah, Madame Pomfrey fixed me up pretty quickly. You've been asleep for three weeks." He brushes my face with his free hand. I'm still holding the other. "It wasn't your fault." His voice is hoarse from lack of use.
Tears spring up into my eyes, a combination of alcohol, relief at him being all right and his words. "If I hadn't jumped…"
"Then I would have. Siri, don't cry. Everything's going to be ok." His eyes are falling shut again. He should sleep now, not just the fevered coma he's had recently.
I lean across and kiss him lightly on the forehead. "I'll be back in the morning. Love you, Rem."
His voice makes me jump. "Love you Padders."
I smile and leave the room. For the first time in weeks I'll be able to sleep.
---
I'm in the Infirmary again, but this time it's day. Madame Pomfrey has allowed us to bend the rules, and have people in here. Prongs and Wormtail are ballroom dancing, trying to impress Evans and some girl Wormtail's got a crush on. It's just us up here with Moony, celebrating the fact that he's all right.
Evans has her Muggle music box with her. In an attempt to stop the dancing, she's changing the song. Bloody Bohemian Rhapsody again. The only reason I put up with that song is because Re likes it. I take his hand as it begins.
"You ok?"
He smiles. "I'm awake, and everything's ok with us. I'm more than happy." I sit back and try to sing, but he winces. "Actually, Siri, could you change the song? That part of my life is over."
I nod, and walk to the box, releasing his hand reluctantly. I move the needle thingy, and it lands on the end of a song. I'm having a good time, I don't want to stop at all…
A new song. A new start.
Oh my God I hate that ending. I had to change the song though. Who knows what the next one on the album is? Queen Greatest Hits 1, btw. The angst shall return, but the next few chapters may be slightly fluffy. Oh, and is Rem really ok? Find out next week, on Soap!
Lykaios Nyx- Ah, bless you. Remus should punch Siri…
girl-in-the-moon- I'm sorry! Had rehearsals, party and concert on Thursday… Don't hit me? Please?
IssaLee- What idea? Sorry, I'm dense. That is a pretty funny idea… can I use that in another fic?
carpe-nox-sulum-nox- You gave me a random fact- ta! And Spain is cool, especially Tossa (you have to love the name!)
Ari-chan- Can I have some plushies too?
SilverTrinity- Happy ending for now… until I get back!
Silverwitch07- Glad you like Siri's reaction.
lauren- I do read angst, it just kills me to read it. Dunno why I do it to myself. Hope you're still enjoying
Tamaschanter Tikitigo- We don't really know what they were like at this age, but ta for your review. Espec for saying this is still addictive
Birchy- Yes, I am insane, and glad you like this
lothelary- I know about five words of Spanish- hola, adios, gracias, agua, and puta. Last one isn't a nice word.
Hannio- Fluffy iceberg, dead ahead!
butterflywings32- Send me the stuff whenever. Ha, you can't kill me…
Dark Lady of Griffindor- Well, Siri was drunk, and Rem didn't jump, he tried to save Siri.
Lady of Faerie- I wasn't sure about the love bit, so ta for liking it
SLC- You've turned into Yoda
RonaldYHarry- I'm different! Yay! Cannot speak Spanish though. Me, not you.
KawaiiMegami86- Still loving the huggles!
I-Shave-Clowns- Fudge monkeys? Dudey…
EsScaper- Did I explain it ok? The line just kinda came, I didn't think about it. God, I should start thinking more…
madscotswoman- You are cool and inspiring.
Versipellis- That's cheating. I didn't get to make you sweat!
lil riter- It's gonna get sadder soon…
siriusly delusional- This is for everyone. Siri still does care, but he's trying to hide it, coz he doesn't want James to know, and also he's feeling really guilty about everything and annoyed that James is right about his drinking. I think…
darkstarr- Siri is an idiot, and thanks for liking this
And thanks to Jessica Goldbergdancing in daydreamssatin insanityangelofplottwistsdeathfire1334, pooka, PrincessSkywalkerOrgana, Marauder Angel, Anonymous, freakanatureBecky Silver Black, RemusLupinRocks and Willow Branch for reading this and reviewing. Yay, 159 reviews at last count… that's an average of 19.875 reviews per chapter.