The lock was stuck when Alex tried to turn the key.
"Shit." She jiggled the door knob and eventually the key turned and she was able to open the door.
Inside, there was a ratty couch to her left and a cramped kitchenette to her right. As apartments went, it was a far cry from the loft she'd had over The Black Lantern in Haven Springs. But that loft had never really felt like home. Neither did this place, but at least waking up here didn't make her think of Gabe.
Alex locked the door behind her and went to set down the bag of groceries she'd picked up on the way back from her shift on the countertop. The curtains were drawn across the window behind the couch and Alex could tell it was getting dark outside. She opened the fridge to put away the milk and began emptying the rest of the bag by the little yellow light inside.
"Hey, Steph," she called. "I'm back."
"Just a minute," came a voice from the other room. Alex smiled. It was Tuesday, and Tuesday was Steph's D&D day. Otherwise Alex couldn't count on her to be around, she didn't keep the most reliable hours. Neither of them did.
Traveling on the road had been great. They'd played music in parks and coffee shops and little dive bars, couchsurfing every night, meeting new and friendly people every day, writing lyrics on the bus and in cozy local restaurants. But after a few months it was time to sit still again. Steph had been offered an internship at a radio station, a big one, based on her stint at KRCT. It paid well, and was likely to turn into a job. Alex had picked up a bartending gig. The interview had been a cinch with her experience from The Black Lantern. She worked days, so it wasn't too busy, and that left her evenings free to play music. There were no shortage of parks, coffee shops, and dive bars in Seattle where they'd ended up. Steph had a contact from her college days who had offered her a deal on the apartment, and she and Alex had taken him up on it. They'd only planned to stay for a month or two but it was turning into three or four much more quickly than Alex had expected.
"Did you buy bread?" Steph wandered in from the bedroom as Alex was finishing up. She wore jeans and a green sweatshirt and her beanie was pulled low over her ears. She crossed her arms, almost hugging herself, the space around her, the aura only Alex could see, tinged with blue.
"I bought bread," Alex confirmed. "And I'm making tea. Do you want some?"
"Yeah, please," said Steph.
"I also got peanut butter cups. For the trick or treaters."
"I doubt we're going to have trick or treaters in this building," Steph snorted. "There's an electric lock on the door and our closest neighbor is about eighty."
"Okay, maybe they were for me," Alex said. "But this is for you." She took a single rose off the countertop and turned to Steph, holding out to her, like she had at the Spring Festival months ago.
"Alex!" Steph's face lit up, and so did her aura, blue replaced by gold happiness. "What's the occasion?"
"That I love my girlfriend."
"That's a pretty good occasion," Steph took the flower with a smirk. "Does it happen often?"
"Every day," said Alex. "But I haven't gotten tired of it." She leaned in for a kiss that Steph returned.
When they broke Steph put the flower to her chest. "I'd better go put this in a vase."
"We don't actually have a vase," said Alex.
"Right," Steph said. "I think I have a thermos in our room or something that will work." As she left to look for it her aura was still gold, but the blue tinge was at the edges, the sadness seeping back.
As Alex finished the tea, Steph returned and sat on the couch. Picking up Alex's guitar from its open case she played a few cords and began to tune it.
"Calm down there, Hendrix," Alex left the kitchenette with two mismatched mugs and held one out to Steph.
Steph replaced the guitar to take the cup. "Thanks."
"Careful, it's hot," said Alex.
"Sure, mom." Steph took a big gulp and choked on it, nearly spilling the mug as she coughed.
It was Alex's turn to smirk. "I told you."
"I will never doubt you again."
"Except for the next time I tell you something I hand you is too hot to drink."
"Except for then," Steph nodded, "I always have my doubts when that happens."
Alex sat. They didn't have a coffee table so she put her tea mug on the carpet next to the couch. "How's Mikey?" She'd played in Steph's campaign with him a few times, but it had been weeks since her schedule had lined up enough for Alexandra the bard to put in an appearance.
"He's good," said Steph. "He's…yeah, he's fine." She looked down in her mug.
Alex leaned forward, putting her elbows on her knees. "What is it, Steph?"
"It's tea."
"You know that isn't what I meant," Alex said. "You've just…I know you've been sad. More sad than usual. For weeks."
Steph took a deep breath. "Shit," she said.
"Did something happen?" Alex asked. "Is there anything I can help with?"
"Nothing's happened, nothing new, it's not that," Steph sighed. "I just…I always feel cut up this time of year. I thought it could be different. I have you now. But it's the same old shit. Except for my stupid ass not realizing my super psychic empath girlfriend would notice my seasonal depression."
Alex gently put a hand on Steph's knee. "I care about you. That's all. I was worried. Should I not be worried?"
"Yes," said Steph. "No. I don't know. You tell me. Can't you focus on somebody's aura and feel how they feel? You hear little snippets of their memories, don't you? Sound bytes? That was how you described it."
"I'm trying not to do that so much anymore," Alex said. "Not unless I really need to. It feels almost…invasive. I'm not sure that's the right word. But I'm trying to just talk about things and ask questions now."
"I lost some people," Steph said. "People who meant a lot to me. It happened in October, hence the Fall spirit not really sticking when it comes my way."
"Oh, Steph. I'm so sorry. I didn't know."
"I could have told you," Steph said. "I just…I could never find the right time. You lost your brother. And there was all that insanity with Typhon covering shit up. And Jed. And your dad. And I saw how rough it all was and I guess I wanted to protect you. I wanted to make sure you're okay."
Alex found Steph's hand and squeezed. "I'm okay now. And I'm here if you want to tell me about them."
"Yeah," said Steph. "Yeah, I think I do. One minute," she found her mug and sipped from it, more cautiously than last time. "That's good tea."
"Thanks," Alex didn't say anything else.
Steph cleared her throat. "So I was living in Arcadia Bay, I had this friend. Well, I say friend. She was everybody's friend and no one's at the same time. It was like she was so unabashedly herself that it was just her world and we were all living in it. And that probably makes her sound like an asshole, but she wasn't an asshole. She was always kind to me, at least. Her name was Rachel Amber."
"And something happened to her?" Alex asked.
"Yeah, but I'm getting to that. There was Rachel, and then there was Chloe Price. And for a minute there you couldn't see one without the other. I'm not sure if they ever dated or made out, Chloe wasn't straight but even with my refined gaydar I was never exactly able to parse out their relationship exactly, but they were thick as thieves and they made each other laugh like no one else could. I probably knew Chloe better than Rachel by the time I moved away. She played D&D with me and Mikey a few times actually, though I don't think she was really into it. Anyway, her and Rachel were inseparable. Until they weren't and Rachel went missing. I was concerned about it, because Chloe was devastated and I wouldn't have thought Rachel would leave without telling her. But I was graduating and moving away, and all the way until I left I kept telling myself Rachel had hopped a train and would show up again with a lot of wild stories, but that never happened. They found her body that October."
"God, Steph…" Alex wasn't sure what else to say.
"Do you remember the Mark Jefferson trial?"
"Remind me."
"That photography teacher who drugged and abducted those girls for his photos. Until one of them got killed."
"I think I remember hearing about it," Alex nodded.
"That was Rachel," Steph's voice caught. "They found her body buried under a junkyard, right in town." And Steph couldn't continue for a moment as Alex hugged her tightly, Steph crying into her shoulder.
"Shh," Alex stroked Steph's back. "I'm here. Let it out." And Steph did.
"That would've been enough," Steph finally said. "More than enough to wreck me. But that same week they caught him, I lost Chloe too. There was some kind of fight. A scuffle. Drugs were involved. And this rich kid, a prick called Nathen Prescott, shot her in the gut with a handgun and she bled out in the bathroom in my old school.
"There was a scandal, turns out Nathan had helped Jefferson do his dark shit, and Nathan's family had a lot of clout and they tried to get him out of trouble and it made things go on forever. The sentences were not lenient. But it's not like that could bring my friends back, either of them."
Night had come on now so it was dark inside, but Alex wasn't about to extricate herself from her girlfriend's arms to turn on a light. She could see Steph in the light of her blue aura, and she could feel her sadness. Her hopelessness and rage. Her own eyes filled with tears.
"It hurts," said Steph.
"I know," said Alex. "I can feel it."
"God, sorry," Steph squirmed away. "This is exactly what I didn't want."
"Don't be sorry," Alex said. "I want to understand how you feel. I want to share it."
"Yeah," Steph looked down at her lap. "I miss them. And I feel angry I guess too. Angry at the bastards who hurt them and angry at everyone else. I hated myself for years for being jealous of Rachel and Chloe, for taking them for granted. I blamed myself, I guess. It wasn't my fault but I left when I did. I wasn't there for Chloe and maybe that would have changed things if I had been, I don't know. It doesn't matter. You can't change the past."
"It matters," said Alex. "You're still thinking about it, so it matters. Feelings matter."
"How do you cope with it?" Steph asked. "When you lost Gabe? I feel like I've just been running away from things. People. Places. Responsibilities. How did you deal?"
"Not very well," Alex said. "There's not a day I don't think about him. And I was a wreck that whole time in Haven Springs, through all that shit with Typhon. You remember that. Even when I tried to hide it I was a mess. And maybe I needed to let myself be. Because the fact is I'm still here. We both are."
Steph wiped her eyes. "Yeah…"
"I tried to think about what Gabe would want," Alex said. "He'd want me to remember him, but he would want me to try and live. He would want me to be happy. God knows that's not always easy, but that's what I've been trying to do. And maybe that's what your friends would want for you too."
"They probably would," Steph said. "Thanks, Alex. Hey, remember how you can take people's emotions? Could you take my sadness?"
"Hypothetically," Alex said. "But I'm really trying not to do that anymore either. When I just edit somebody like that, they aren't the same. I don't think it's right."
"No, no, I'm not asking you to do it," said Steph. "I was wondering if you could. But please don't. A year ago I would have begged you to. But…I don't know. That grief is part of me. It feels wrong to forget. And I've gotten where I am because of it. If I wasn't running away from it all, I don't know if I ever would have taken that job in Haven Springs. And met Gabe. Or you. And I wouldn't take that back. Any of it."
"When I think about Gabe, I try not to think about that night on the mountain, or the wake, or about losing him," Alex said. "It's hard because we didn't have a lot of time together as adults, but I try to think about how it felt when I reached out to him, when I thought I might have a home and a family again. And I do, still." She looked over at Steph. "He brought me to you."
"And he brought you to me," said Steph. "And every day I regret not being able to thank him on bended knee," she added, with a wry little smile to go with her sincerity.
"I like to think he knows we're together," Alex said. "That he's still watching over us."
"Yeah, me too," said Steph.
"And he's counting all the times I beat you at foosball," said Alex.
"Shut up," Steph punched her shoulder. "Way to ruin the moment, Chen." But if the lighter hues of her aura were anything to go by, it hadn't been ruined.
Steph leaned back on the couch and put an arm around Alex. "But you're right. Not about the foosball, but about the serious parts. You're probably tired of me telling you that, it happens so often, but you're right."
"No," said Alex. "Still not tired."
"Good," Steph leaned over and Alex turned to take Steph in her arms as Steph kissed her and they lay back, reclined and entwined. And Steph's blue faded in the dark as Alex held her, like an old memory.