Umm… hello! Hiddenstars here!
This is my first piece of fanfiction. I feel kinda proud of it, of course, though I'm slightly worried it's just that 'beauty in the eyes of the beholder' thing… Anyway, some stuff I want to say before the story starts; I know there isn't a river in the city. 'Least, I don't think there is… anyway, deal. It's no fun reading stories if you criticize everything. I tell that to my parents, my brothers, my friends… and now I'm telling it to you. Go with the flow- you should be reading for fun, not to find mistakes in everything. Also- I sorta overdid it on Christine telling Mii's tale of woe. You have been warned. Lastly, Shigure and Mii may be a little out of character. Love does that to people (as well as incapable authoresses….) If you want to complain about any of the above, it's like I said before; deal.
No flames, either.
Oh, and just so you know, it gets better at the end… Really.
Anyway, enjoy!
-Because I Love You-
Shigure glanced again at the clock.
"It's 1:30, Tori," He whined, plucking at Hatori's sleeve.
"I feel so abandoned! What if she forgot to come? Oh, woe is me!" He declared loudly, and over-dramatically.
Hatori tugged his sleeve from the dog's grip. "More like she cracked under the strain of being your editor, and is hiding from you."
"Ah, yes! Mii-chan must surely have broke down to your charm and beauty! Poor girl must be heart broken from want of you!" Ayame said playfully as he came into the room, going over to the couple seated on the sofa.
Shigure gave a long, clearly fake sigh.
"Ah, but of course. That must be it. So many women get hurt by us. Once they see us, who could help but fall instantly in love? Oh, but so many women troubles do plague us. Right, Ayame?" He asked, looking at his snake friend mischievously.
Ayame gave a small smile of his own, saying "Absolutely correct,… Shigure."
Then, simultaneously, they went into wide grins as they said "Alright!" and gave each other thumbs- up.
Shigure turned serious. "But, really, it isn't like her to not come by when the manuscript is due. Where is she?" He asked.
But neither of his friends knew the answer.
At 1:45, the doorbell rang.
"That must be her!" Shigure said as he got up and went to answer the door, Hatori and Ayame trailing after him, the later trying to convince the former to make him some tea.
Shigure opened the door, and said "Sorry, Dear heart Mii, but something very strange happened to the manuscript. You see, a most horrible person came into my house and stole it, before vanishing without a trace!" Nothing of the sort had happened, of course, and he actually had it on his desk. But it was so fun to tease Mii. "So I'm afraid you'll have to come back tom-" He stopped, and blinked.
"You're… not Mii, are you?" The girl stepped inside (he could see that it was a girl), and looked up, her face now out of shadow and clearly visible. Another person came in behind her, and shut the door softly.
The girl was about Mii's age, he thought, but right then she looked older. Black hair was pulled back into a tight ponytail, and her skin was very lightly tanned. Her eyes were blue, and shone with an emotion so strongly that he couldn't tell what it was.
The other person was a guy. His skin was very tan and weather beaten, and he looked strong. His hands were calloused, and he was turning a large straw hat over nervously. He was clearly uncomfortable and worried, looking around nervously and not saying anything.
The young women was the first to speak, her voice soft and hesitating and shaking with some suppressed emotion.
"Shigure Sohma?" She asked.
"Yes, that would be me." Shigure smiled at her in a- failing- attempt to lighten the tense mood. "What is a beautiful young woman like yourself doing asking about such a humble man as me?" He asked her flirtatiously, ignoring the sense of foreboding that was growing in his stomach.
She ignored his words, staring up at him for a long moment with trembling eyes. When she spoke, it was suddenly, and her voice was very, very hard.
"Tell me, do you know where your editor is?" She asked in a quiet voice, almost inaudible. Nevertheless, it was loud and clear to the assembled group. Even the animals seemed to have shut up, and the atmosphere was silent and heavy.
Shigure shook his head slowly, and the woman continued speaking.
"My name is Christine. I have known Mii for a long, long time. You see, I am in the publishing business as well, and we work close to each other."
She paused for a second, taking in a shaking breath and looking away to the floor for a moment.
"Mii has had a very, very difficult life. Through it all, she had remained kind and compassionate, holding on to her humanity and being decidedly optimistic.
That is, until a few years ago when she became editor to a man by the name of Shigure Sohma. I have watched her slowly falling down, and no matter how I try to hold her hand, I cannot lift her up. She once cherished life- I watched her slowly waste away, putting on a fake smile for everyone else. But that mask can't fool me, and I can see the anxiety she has buried deep inside.
I found out somewhere that her boss was cutting her salary, slashing it bit by bit. I asked her why, of course. I wanted her to tell me troubles. That's what friends-" she shot the man reclining on the couch a scathing look. Shigure showed little remorse "-do."
That was the emotion in Christine's eyes, he could see now. It was a passionate, fiery rage with sorrow, but mostly the destructive flame that comes from the soul.
"She said that her irresponsible, child of an author-"
Shigure couldn't help wincing ever so slightly at her words, and found that it was hard to keep looking at her. He did, though, through sheer force of will.
"- was always late with the manuscripts, and never wrote what he was supposed too. Her superiors said she should try harder to get him to do it right, that she didn't care and wasn't doing the job right. Rumors started circulating that the famous, amazing author Shigure Sohma-" she spat the words out sarcastically, now visibly shaking "-was doing the job right. That she was giving the wrong instructions, that she was the one who was slow in picking up the manuscript. And Mii is timid- she couldn't defend herself, her quiet explanations went shrugged off and unheard. This only further strengthened the rumors. She could have quit, but that was giving up. She was not raised like that. So she silently stuck to her job. Tell me, Shigure Sohma, what do you know of her family? Her background?"
Shigure just stared at her. His throat hurt a little, and his eyes stung, but he did not cry. He wouldn't let himself.
"I don't know anything." He whispered quietly, looking away and back. He didn't notice that Hatori and Ayame were slowly backing up from the angry woman with her accusing words. He didn't see their looks of understanding and pity directed at his back. He was, though, overly aware of the other man, the one with the straw hat. He couldn't miss the disbelieving and accusing stare that was directed at him.
Most of all he thought of Mii.
"You said what? Say it louder!"
"I don't know anything about her!" Shigure snapped, still trying to act indifferent. That was all it was, after all- an act. He had never told anyone, not even Hatori, but his editor had some how managed to worm her way into his heart.
"Exactly. She was born into poverty, and her father ran away when she was seven. He had recently come back to them all, filled with apologies. Her mother then fell sick, and her father got into a car crash and has amnesia. One of her sisters was raped, one brother is working in a factory. She has another three siblings who don't know what to do with their lives. She needed money for her mother, and for her abandoned sister, and her father, and for the rest.
But she couldn't help. The debt was just getting bigger and bigger, and she felt that all she was doing was adding to it.
I guess it isn't all that surprising that she tried suicide."
Shigure looked up sharply, eyes wide. Finally, something had happened to let his mast slip. He wiped the anxiety from his face. Fear made his stomach tense, and he had trouble with both thinking and breathing. He grabbed Christine's arm tightly, moving so suddenly that she jumped. His eyes bore into hers, serious and demanding an answer.
"What happened? Was anyone there to save her!" His voice was so clearly filled with fear that he had not been able to hide that Christine couldn't help but soften up. Anger faded away, and she was left drained and exhausted.
"No. There wasn't." She said quietly.
Shigure staggered backward, shocked and numb. Ayame hurried toward his side to offer what support he could. Hatori simply closed his eyes, and rubbed his temples. The zodiac were cursed. It figured that Shigure would lose the person he didn't even realize he cared so much about. It figured that he would blame himself.
Christine just looked at him for a moment, surprised that he really had cared. "Oh… but it didn't work! She tried to drown herself, but washed up on shore. Gunaru here watched from a ways away, and when she came out he took her to the hospital."
An enormous sense of relief flooded Shigure, and he was only slightly annoyed at her for not telling him sooner.
The man- Gunaru- stepped forward.
"I'll tell ye what I saw, since ye seem te be needin' the story."
(O)
(flashback)
Mii stood on the bridge , the cold wind tugging at her hair. Her face was tear streaked, and her eyes were red. There was only one other person who was foolish enough to be out in this storm, a country person some ways away by the look of him.
Mii did not notice him. What did it matter? There could have been an angry mob. There was nothing left that could capture her attention, save, of course, Shigure. It was cold, and rain was falling heavily from thick clouds, and the sun was hidden to her. But she hardly noticed the rain.
She looked at the water, wondering if she could go through with it. It wasn't too late to go home. She could take a nice, warm bath and…
And then what? Go and face… face him again? Shigure? No, there really was no way out. If he knew…
The country bumpkin, Gunaru, gasped as Mii climbed the rail, stood poised there for a moment, and then leapt.
She ran out of breath instantly, the air knocked from her lungs. She fought against the current instinctively for a few seconds, before she remembered that she wanted this. Then she relaxed, and let the current take her.
The rapids dashed her against rocks in the riverbed, and they tore clothing and skin both, so that the river was colored red for a brief moment.
She cried out in pain again, water flooding her open mouth, as she was once again dashed against jagged rocks. Can't I even kill myself right? She wondered dimly with some humor. I'm killing myself, but I don't want this pain. Heck, that's why I'm killing myself. To end the pain. Shooting myself or taking sleeping pills would have been smarter.
Which reminded her of Shigure. The mere thought of him gave her more pain than the rocks could ever give, and she welcomed the next burst of pain that came to her, wanting it and more.
She came to a shallow, calm part of the river. She sunk to the ground, and closed her eyes. She didn't need breath anymore. She didn't need him, didn't have to keep up the one-sided love she felt. She would leave them all behind.
She fell unconscious, and the river took her to shore. Gunaru ran down, picked her up, and drove her to the hospital after doing some mouth-to-mouth to get her breathing.
(end flashback)
(O)
Shigure stared through the wall as Gunaru told what he had seen. Mii, jumping, getting cut on rocks, choking on water, washing to shore. After a few seconds, not even fighting the current.
"What hospital is she at?" Shigure asked quietly.
"Oh… Hanoran and Fuusala's"
Shigure nodded, and looked up harshly, meeting Hatori's gaze. Hatori blinked, mildly surprised at the seriousness that had taken over his care free friend. He almost missed what Shigure said to him.
"Hatori, give me your car keys." Hatori looked at him sharply. "Are you sure that's a wise idea, considering you're a horrid driver?" He asked.
"Yes. Now give me the key, Hatori!" The last came out as a yell, and Hatori started. He took the keys from his pocket, which Shigure quickly seized, turning and marching out the door. His walk became a run, and he quickly got into the car, turned on the engine, and sped off.
He was lucky that no cops saw him. As it was, everyone else on the road was angry at him. The car was going at 120, and he was completely disregarding all lights. He made several illegal U turns, narrowly missing a crash many times.
He hadn't been there for Mii before.
He could at least be with her now.
He got to the hospital in record timing, and parked it as close to the doors as possible. He got out, and once again found that he couldn't walk, could only run.
He went to the front desk, asking for what room Mii was. The lady behind the counter told him, and he started off again. Before he got out of the room, however, she called after him. "Who are you?" She asked, and he paused. The room was silent for a moment, and other nearby people turned curiously to him. "Are you a relative?" she asked.
"…No. I am her- she is my editor. And I-" He turned slightly, twisting his head to look behind him "-I am the reason she is lying on that hospital bed." He told her with a smile that was so sad and hurt that it could have broken someone's heart.
The room was dimly lit, but Shigure could see Mii clearly. It was in this room, where Mii was lying so still on that bed, that he let the mask on his face and on his soul drop a little. For a while, at least. He gave out a dry sob when he saw the state her body was in, and stumbled toward her, falling to his knees beside her bed. He rested his head on the pillows, and held Mii's hand in one of his. After a long, long moment, he was able to look at her again.
When he did look, a powerful feeling of shame wrapped around him. The guilt was stronger than even Christine's rage had been, and his shoulders were wracked with heavy sobs.
The zodiac were cursed. Shigure wondered if Hatori had felt like this with Kana, and a wave of compassion and understanding swept through him. Even without Akito being involved- no. He must not think of Akito. Not now.
He was cursed, and he would not even allow himself to really cry. Akito would not allow Shigure to cry.
And the guilt went stronger with each moment, and he had never felt so utterly alone.
He had done this to her.
It was all his fault.
She could have died.
She still could die.
She had wanted death.
And it was all, undeniably, his fault.
He stayed there for a long, long time. He stayed there, trying not to cry and trying to convince himself that he would be okay. That she would be okay.
That his heart would be okay.
Because it was now all so obvious.
He was undeniably, completely, totally, hopelessly, and very much unintentionally in love with Mii.
And that, of course, was simply unacceptable.
Mii woke up three days later. She was slightly achy from bruises, but other than that she was fine. All of her cuts had been stitched, and blood had been pumped into her. She couldn't remember at first why she was there. She wasn't thinking about much, and just lay there with her eyes closed. She was more content and at peace than she had been in a long time.
She rolled onto her side, and winced slightly at her stiffness. She could tell even through closed eyelids that it was dark. Night, she figured.
At last, she knew she couldn't keep her eyes closed any longer. She rolled onto her back again, and cautiously opened her eyes.
She had been right. The room was dark. It was night, and a window at the side of her bed was flooding the room with the soft and gentle glow of moonlight.
She turned her head to her left, and saw Shigure. In a flash, everything came racing back to her.
She had wanted to commit suicide, because….
Because she had realized that she had fallen completely, totally, hopelessly, and very much unintentionally in love with Shigure.
Who was at her bedside!
Mii suppressed a shriek, nearly falling from the bed. Upon closer inspection she realized that he was asleep in a purple armchair. She relaxed, laying back down and staring at him. His head was on one of the chair's arms, and his hair had fallen all over his face. She had a strong urge to tuck it behind his ear. He had brought his legs up and curled his whole body in the large armchair. He looked just like a child, and he was- no other word for it- more adorable than any other man she had ever seen. He was wonderful, and Mii was frankly surprised that he was still single. Then again, taking his childishness and exhausting attitude into consideration, perhaps it wasn't that surprising. And he never showed any real interest in women- all though he flirted all the time- so maybe he was gay. Yeah, he was probably with that Ayame guy. It would make sense.
While Mii was thinking all that, Shigure woke up. He opened his eyes, which widened when he saw that Mii was finally awake.
He shot to his feet.
"Mii…" And there she was. Looking fine and in relative good shape, and staring up at him.
Sitting up, Mii saw that there was… something… new in his face. The eyes, she now saw, had rings around them, and she knew he'd had little sleep. But why?
Her thoughts were cut short when Shigure lunged to her, gripping her shoulders like he wanted to hug her, and resting his head on her shoulder.
Oh no… not… this… you're not mine to take, you have to go away…She thought furiously, wide eyed at his actions. It was so hard to resist… She wanted to melt. Shigure was actually holding her….!
"Mii…"he muttered into her shoulder.
"I'm so sorry. You know, I would never do anything to hurt you."
He let go of her, backing up a bit so he wouldn't do anything… rash. When he was close to her like that, he got all light headed. He couldn't think, he couldn't breath… he felt drugged, intoxicated by her nearness to him. He wanted very much to kiss her at that moment. And though he knew he shouldn't, he went forward again to sit beside her on the bed. His hand was on hers, and neither of them pulled away.
"I know." She whispered, looking down. He had done it without intending to.
"It isn't your fau-"
It was hers for falling in love with him in the first place.
"No, it is." He interrupted her.
"Everyone has always told me that I don't think of others. That I have to consider them, have to consider… their feelings. And I guess that I never have. I always have viewed everyone else as…dolls…" He fell quiet for a moment. Confessions was something he didn't do often; but for Mii, he could make an exeption.
"But now… I really do believe that others can be affected be me. Other people- not dolls- can be hurt by me. By careless things that I do without thinking, words I say, my actions… I really am… so very selfish" he smiled sadly at her, and it broke her heart to see him like this. "I have always thought of my feelings, my plans… and I didn't care who got hurt, or what it took to reach my foolish goals…"
"I guess that what I'm trying to say is… I'm sorry…"
He paused for half a second, looking away and then back to her again.
"And… maybe this is still me being selfish, but I… I don't ever want to see you hurt. If something ever happened to you, I… I don't know what I'd do." He finished quietly, and tears were in both their eyes.
"Mii, I… I…"He cut off what he was going to say as he gave into temptation, leaning over and pulling her into a deep kiss. Mii's eyes widened, then slid shut as she returned the kiss, one hand reaching up to tangle in her hair, the other holding onto his arm.
Shigure pushed her back down onto the bed, hanging above her. One hand went to her hip thoughtlessly.
The kiss lessened in intensity, and became sweet as honey, and both were lost in time, with no thoughts, just glad to be there, to be with the other.
Mii broke away first, breathing heavily. She looked off to the side and away from him.
"Shigure…" She took a breath, she needed to say this "…I love you."
Shigure stood quickly, and couldn't think of anything he could say. How could he tell her when he knew it would only hurt her in the end?
He left quickly, leaving Mii there, leaving her words hanging there in the air. Leaving her both confused and alone.
(O)
- Three days later, directly after Mii was released from the hospital-
Mii knocked on Shigure's door, nervously twisting at the long skirt she wore. She needed an answer, she needed to know.
The door opened before she was ready, and she fumbled for words as she stared at him.
Shigure sighed. "Mii."
"Shigure."
They stood there for a moment, looking at each other. Mii decided to be blunt, get to the point. She needed a straight answer. "Shigure… the other day… do you love me?"
He looked at her for another moment before grinning down to her.
"Of course not, silly! What would ever have given you that idea?"
"Wh- what?" She stared up at him, not wanting to believe it.
"B- but the other night, you kissed me, and it seemed like you-"
"Like I what? Loved you? You really thought someone like me could ever love someone like you?" He laughed loudly, and Mii could not see the pain in his eyes, did not hear any fakeness in his laugh.
He was hurting her deeply, and he knew it. His face was a mask again of cheerfulness, and he showed no sadness. Akito would have been proud. He would hurt her so she would hate him. So she would have no room for sadness. He wouldn't allow her to get hurt by being with her, and so he cut the ties between them.
"Nope! Mii, really, you get ahead of yourself sometimes! I kissed you because I decided to on a whim-" That she ought to believe, he had always acted on whims a lot "- and as it was a whim, I do confess that I hold no love for you whatsoever!" He said in his chipper voice, and he could barely hold in a wince when she stumbled away from him, eyes wide open and face expressionless. She was shocked beyond emotions, hurt so much she couldn't even feel it. Like when you hurt yourself sometimes and it takes awhile for pain to set in.
"But…what about your speech last night?" She asked.
"Oh, that was just something I got from Tohru. I thought it sounded nice, and that you may want to hear it! Besides, I really must work on my speech making skills. Sometimes I feel so left behind by Ayame!" He sighed.
"Ya know, Mii dearling, if your emotions are going to get in the way, maybe you shouldn't be my editor. It's a wide world, I'm sure an intelligent young lady like yourself will find it easy to get a job. Buh-bye now, don't ever come back!" He winked at her, then shut the door in her face. He sank down to the ground, leaning against the door, then he put his face in his hands.
"I'm so sorry, Mii…
Mii stumbled away from his house, heading in no definite direction. She reached the city, and stumbled on, not noticing the people around her. Her face was still blank, especially when contrasted with her eyes. People noticed her, and moved out of her way, trying not to draw her gaze. No one wanted eyes like she had on them.
A crowd slowly grew around her when she stopped near a lamp post, people whispering around her, about her. Trying to speculate what had happened to her. Mothers pulled their children closer to them, and lovers found each others hands. Friends moved into tight groups, and still there was whispering.
The owner of a shop, a tall, balding man around forty, separated himself from the crowd and went over to her. "Are you alright?" He asked.
"Am I… alright…?" Mii repeated back, looking through him.
"Yeah… of course I am…" She smiled, but it was so sad, so terrible, that the crowd drew back. Tears finally fell from her eyes, down her face that still wore that fake smile. Her eyes were filled with an intense pain, and she clung to the lamp post, sobbing her heart out with such agony, such feeling, such passion, that any who could hear her were flung into a depression themselves. They ached to comfort her, but her eyes didn't see them. Kind words fell unnoticed passed her ears, there was not a dry eye. Even the rain took pity on her, and fell in an attempt to comfort her, or perhaps to show her tears so everyone could see. She sank to the ground, one hand clutching the lamp, as her whole body heaved with huge sobs.
And her tears were mirrored in the rain, for all the world to see.
Shigure cried himself, but his tears were hidden. He looked like he was tearing himself apart, and the three kids noticed it over dinner. You'd have to be blind not to see that he was destroying himself about something.
But it was all for the best. Mii would be sad for a year or so, but it would pass. She would move on, as was inevitable. Undoubtedly she'd always remember with sadness, but he knew that, come a year's time, the hate would be much greater.
But it was okay if she hated him. He didn't need love. For the zodiac, love wasn't allowed.
He knew that. Of course he knew. And how could he, in good conscience, let her stay with him? This was better, in the long run. It would all get better someday.
Yes, the rain outside was still falling. But it would stop, and then on another day, the clouds would go, too. And she would be happy again, with someone else.
He would not let go. But as long as she was happy, everything would be fine.
She would hate him. But that was okay, too.
Everything would be okay.
Thanks for reading that. I have written -and finished- a sequel to this. So go check it out.
Anyway, since this is my first fan fiction ever, I would really appreciate reviews. If you liked my story at all, find the time and the kindness in your heart to write a sentence or two…
Have fun.
Be safe.
Until we meet again-
Hiddenstars