They day they laid her family to rest, she did not cry. She had lost them long ago, there was nothing left to mourn. Nothing, because there was nothing left. Memories got you nothing except regret and pain. memories did not keep you sane or make you whole. They reminded you of what you had lost, what could never be again. So she tucked the memories away in the pages of an old diary, locked it, threw away the key and moved on. Now, no longer a girl, she stood at the above the edge of the ocean and looked out at the setting, radiant, southern sun.
The eldest was the strongest, the younger two were the sunshine and she--she didn't fit. She never had. She tried, oh she tried, to fit in with the others. But it was useless. She was supposed to be their mother, if he was their father. She was supposed to be comfort, if he was strength. She was supposed to be home, when he was shelter. But no, she wasn't any of those things. She was just as scared as they were, she only hid it behind a mask of practical logic. She hid it so well at times she believed herself.
But only at certain times.
After their adventure she felt suffocated by the idea that someone had once again told her what to do. So she pulled and ran. Ran as fast as she could into a world where she didn't have to be a mother, comfort or home. All she had to be was herself and for the first time she felt loved. Practical, it was practical to stay out all hours of the night, to come home on the arm of God knows who. It was practical that the only bow she cared about was the shape of her lips. And it was wonderful. They worried about being Kings and Queens, she worried about being herself. They worried about going back, she wanted to go forward.
They said she was hiding. It was a reflex to take away the pain.
She simply smiledandasked 'what pain?'
That's the instant she lost them. In one decisive stroke they were gone. They still smiled, they still laughed with her, she was, after all their sister, but the gestures were empty. She supposed they shoudld thank her, politics were about empty gestures, false smiles and half truths. She gave them practice, always practical, that was her. She couldn't bear the falsehood, she was bending under it and soon she would crack. If she let herself stay, she would break and that was not going to happen, not to her. So she did the one thing that made sense, as always. She packed her bags, kissed them goodbye and walked out with her head held high. Once a Queen always a Queen. She said goodbye with a kiss on the cheek and left behind only the smell of perfume.
She wished things had been different.
Now as she faced the southern sun, she knew they couldn't have been. It was not meant to be. They had a mother, one who loved them dearly. They had comfort, in the form of a great golden being who welcomed them into his family. And, most importantly, they had a home, one which they would die gladly to protect. They had no need of her anymore, sometimes she wondered if they ever did. She hoped they had, maybe it would make the pain worthwhile.When she looked inside her now, she did not find the pain. It was gone. They were at peace. They were where they needed to be. She did not need to cry for them.
Because she had discovered she was a lot of things. Maybe not a Queen, but she was a fighter, braver than she had thought. She was proud and loyal, she was whimsical and crazy, she could be funny and impulsive. She liked speaking her mind, even if it got her into trouble. She loved what she was doing, she loved not knowing where she was going.
But most of all, she loved being Susan.
So High King Peter the Magnificent could rule Narnia from his guilded throne and make sure his reign was remembered as the Golden Age. He could be brave and smart. He could wield his sword and wear the title of hero and the crown of a King.
Queen Lucy the Valiant could go on healing and being brave. She could make sure there was still a Narnia to go to when all was said and done. She could make sure Mr. Tumnus need never use his hanky again.
King Edmund the Just could go on making sure Narnia was truthful and fair. He could make sure Jadis never came back, he could keep winter at bay. He could keep Lucy from using her dagger again and Peter from killing.
She breathed a sigh of relief at the thought.
"Susan you crazy sod! What the hell are you doing!" someone yelled.
Smiling faintly, Susan looked down at the man far below her. She rolled her eyes and tightened the band that kept her hair back. He shouted up again and she called down to him. Leaning forward, she adjusted the ropes that held her in place against the rocks.Carefully she made her way down the face of the mountain and dropped to her feet in front of the man. The sun was brighter here, but she did not mind it. Undoing the ropes, she turned to look at the man, tilting her head up to look him in the eye. He had been joined by his companions, some of whom looked at her with pride, some with a vauge sense of distrust. She returned their gazes without heasitation.
When all was said and done, the three siblings could make sure Narnia was safe. For Peter was Magnificent, Lucy was Valiant and Edmund was Just.
"Well?" they demanded.
They could make sure Aslan only needed to come back to visit. By now, she imagined, they did not need him for guidance.
"I do believe I've found our way out," she said witha winning smile they could not help but return, "follow me."
Leader, guide, fighter, mother, home and comfort she was many things, all of which were seen by the radiant southern sun. As she cut her way through the underbrush of the jungle, arguing with the expedition members, she smiled at the fading southern sun and waved faintly, knowing that somewhere in Narnia, her three siblings would see. Behind her the men traded a look but said nothing.
But she would not join her siblings.
She was not one of them.
Sometimes she doubted she ever was.
For all the things she had been, all the things she could be, one was not on that list. And she was glad of it. It made her whole, it made her know that she was not an outcast. She did not miss Narnia, she did not miss being Queen. She did not belong in Narnia, she belonged on Earth. For she was Susan.
And she had never been gentle.