Cracks
When I woke up, I realized that I was staring up at an unfamiliar ceiling. The events of last night came rushing back to me when I turned and saw Sawada sleeping on the futon. I rubbed at my eyes, a bit dry from the tears that had escaped before I fell asleep. I found the small clock on the table and realized my body had woken me up at the time I usually got ready to head to Wataru-san's for training.
I couldn't believe it had only been yesterday morning that I had seen Wataru-san beaten on the ground in his own gym. I closed my eyes, hoping that he was okay. I dozed off, remembering that he had told me not to come again until it was safe. Maybe I could get a little more sleep than usual…
I woke up to the sound of an alarm blaring. I heard Sawada groan before rolling over and smacking the table with his hand trying to find the alarm. I sat up, hitting the button at the same time his hand found it, but before I could comment, I noticed the time.
"Sawada, we're going to be late!"
"Are you always this loud in the morning?" he grumbled, arm thrown over his face. "I always get up at this time."
"Which is why you're always late!" I shot back, throwing back the blankets. He responded by turning his back to me. I rolled my eyes and got up.
I had washed my face and was brushing my teeth when I realized I had come to Sawada's place wearing workout clothes and not my uniform...and I wouldn't have time to go back to my place if I wanted to be on time.
"I don't have my uniform!" I told Sawada who finally managed to trudge into the bathroom.
"...you could wear my extra shirt and sweater but I don't have a skirt or blazer."
I thought about how late I'd be if I dropped by at home first when I remembered I had one of my extra skirts in the locker from one of the days after soccer practice for the sports tournament that I had just worn my sweats home.
"Can I borrow a pair of slacks too then?"
Sawada handed me what he had. I changed in the bathroom, pulling on the slightly too big white collared shirt before pulling on the oversized black sweater. I rolled up the sleeves a little so my hands could actually be seen. The pants were a little trickier but I rolled up the cuffs and put on one of Sawada's clunky belts so it would stay up. I would only need it to fit me until I got to school anyway. Sawada handed me an extra pair of shoes and grinned when they were too big and I struggled to walk in them. I stuffed them with another pair of Sawada's socks so they at least wouldn't fall off on the way to school.
It was only when we were about to leave when I realized I also didn't have my school bag. Sawada tossed me a black backpack and I stuffed my clothes from the day before, my phone, my wallet and my sneakers inside.
"No blazer, no school bag, wearing pants to school? A true delinquent," Sawada smirked as we headed out the door and I glared at him.
"You're the one who didn't wake up early enough to go home," he shot at me and I couldn't think of anything to say back. It was true. If only I hadn't fallen asleep again. But somehow I wanted to blame it partially on him.
He continued in his usual matter-of-fact tone, "Anyway, today we have a unit test in English, PE, social studies, and then study hall. You only need a textbook in social studies and one of the guys will lend you theirs because you're like one of the few people who pay attention in Ando's class. And I'm sure someone will lend you a something to write with."
I nodded, but felt like I was still forgetting something important.
"...you have your parent teacher conference today too, right?"
Shit. It had completely slipped my mind.
"...mine aren't coming either," Sawada said before walking ahead of me.
I followed after him silently. I had picked the last day and turned in the slip so that Yankumi wouldn't bother me or my grandparents about it, but I hadn't actually told them...and I guess Sawada had done the same.
"Hurry up," Sawada called out with a teasing grin and I gave him the middle finger as I clunked down the hill after him trying not to trip in his oversized shoes.
We luckily didn't run into any teachers as we entered the school but were definitely cutting it close for time. Noda, Uchi, Minami, and Kuma gave us surprised looks when we walked in together, but their eyes grew even bigger when they noticed what I was wearing. I shot Sawada a look when I realized we never corroborated a story to tell our friends but he ignored me and sat down. I rushed over to my locker to grab my skirt and leggings and booked it to the bathroom before anyone could ask questions although I could hear the surprised murmurs of my classmates to see me in slacks.
I slid into my seat without a word after the bell for homeroom rang.
"Hey, you're lucky Yankumi hasn't come yet," Minami remarked. He was looking at Sawada and me, clearly trying to figure out what had happened. Sawada had his head down, already sleeping, so he probably hadn't explained anything.
Yankumi chose that exact moment to rush in, exclaiming that it wasn't her fault that she was late, and I was able to face forward in my seat without having to answer any questions.
Was it okay to tell my friends I had stayed over at Sawada's place? Would that be weird even thought nothing had happened? But they could probably tell that I had come in wearing his clothes and still was...And this morning had been such a rush that it didn't give time for things to be weird between me and Sawada - especially about what I had spilled to him the night before. Sawada…he wasn't any nicer or colder based on what I had told him. But the atmosphere between us was kind of different. I didn't know how, but it was different. I had yet to determine whether that difference was good or bad.
I was jolted from my thoughts when I felt someone hitting my arm.
"Kana! Yankumi's talking to you!" Noda informed me loudly.
"Sorry yeah?" I said, realizing I hadn't been listening at all.
"You have your parent teacher conference today," Yankumi reminded me. I nodded. I was third on the list. I prayed that the person before me would take a long time so it would give me minimal time with Yankumi so I could escape.
I rested my head on my arms as the bell rang, signaling the end of homeroom. The smell of Sawada's detergent - something different from what I used - was comforting and his sweater was so soft. No wonder he always fell asleep in class…I closed my eyes, ready to drift off until
"Good morning class! I hope you're reading for the test today!" Fujiyama said brightly as she stepped into the class. The guys looked incredibly confused how to react because 1. It was their beloved Fujiyama but 2. They hated tests, myself included. The lopsided grins they settled on giving her made me laugh until what she said kicked in.
"Shoot, can I borrow a pencil?" I asked, turning around.
Noda pulled one out from his pencil case and handed it to me. "You really didn't bring anything today, Kana? What happened?"
"Long story," I replied, turning back in my seat but not before I caught Uchi staring at the sweater I was wearing. I was pretty sure I failed the English test because I couldn't concentrate after that.
During study hall, Minami turned to me.
"Okay I gotta ask. Why did you come to school wearing pants today?"
The entire class turned to hear my answer. I opened my mouth but my mind was blank. Should I tell them the truth?
"It was a bet."
Sawada's voice came from behind me and all eyes turned to him.
"I bet her that she wouldn't get in trouble if she came to school wearing slacks, no blazer and with no school bag. She chickened out of the slacks the moment we got here though."
Our classmates started commenting loudly on this "bet". My mind raced at this sudden scenario from him and I jumped on it.
"I did not chicken out!" I retorted. "It's not my fault we didn't run into any teachers on the way and we never agreed how long I would have to wear them."
"But does it even count if no one but our classmates saw?"
"I don't care," I said, rolling my eyes.
"Wait when did you even make this bet?" Noda asked curiously.
"Yesterday after karaoke," Sawada replied coolly.
I just nodded.
"What did you bet?!" Kuma asked excitedly.
"Coffee for a week," Sawada said with a grin before I could respond.
"...only if Yankumi doesn't say anything during the parent-teacher conference."
"Deal."
"Hmm...you guys seem pretty close recently," Minami said offhandedly.
"Close? He's making me buy him coffee," I responded grumpily. I wasn't sure if what Sawada and I were was "close" but we did know a lot more about each other than we had before...but I wasn't about to offer that information. I was just grateful for Sawada and his quick-thinking.
When study hall ended, we all cleared out of the classroom so Yankumi could set up for the parent-teacher conference. Uchi, Noda, Minami and Kuma told us they'd wait for us on the roof while Sawada and I chilled outside the classroom away from everyone else waiting for our turn.
"That was some quick thinking," I said about his earlier answer to the class.
"It's better than having assumptions be made," he replied. True.
Sawada began to read a book and I knew our conversation was done. I peeked around the corner to look at all of our classmates waiting, chatting, arguing with each other and their respective parents, wondering for a moment what it would have been like to be here with my parents. I shook my head, knowing it was useless to wonder.
I glanced at the clock. The person before me, Horibe, still hadn't come out even though my time slot had started. I could hear vague yelling from the classroom and willed that it would take a long time before it was settled.
With only about 5 minutes left of my time slot, a disheveled Yankumi came out of the classroom, followed by Horibe and his father who both looked incredibly angry. So that's what the yelling was from.
"Please talk it out more at home," I heard Yankumi plead with them before turning to look at everyone else. "Nakajima Kana," she called out.
I stood up from where Sawada and I sat. Sawada gave me a nod before continuing to read his book. I walked slowly to where Yankumi waited, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone. The other parents stared at me, it being their first time seeing me, their sons' rumored female classmate.
"My bad for taking so long," Horibe apologized to me but I shook my head. His father looked shocked at Horibe's apology, and then at me going "A girl?" before bowing his head to me in apology as well. I didn't know what to do so I bowed back before following Yankumi into the room. I could hear the whispers behind me as I closed the door.
"So where's your guardian today?" Yankumi asked, surprised as I took a seat in front of her.
"They're not coming."
"Eh?! Why?!"
"I didn't feel like asking my grandparents to come all the way from Tochigi."
"...well that's really considerate of you, Kana, but we need to talk about your future…"
I cringed when she called me considerate. No. I was just selfish.
"I plan to work here in Tokyo. They know that and have no complaints. Is that not enough?" I asked, staring at her.
Yankumi looked incredibly concerned but I held my gaze. "It's nice to know that they agree, but I really did want to talk in person with them."
"They're not expecting much from my future anyway so they shouldn't waste their time."
"Kana…"
I stood up. "It's fine. I've accepted it and they have too. Besides, it's my future right? I should be able to choose what I want, and I will. Anyway, it's time for the next person right?"
I tried to walk out but Yankumi grabbed my arm and came between me and the door.
"It feels like you're trying to do this all by yourself, but it's okay to rely on the adults in your life more. And if you can't rely on them, rely on me. You can trust me," she said earnestly. "Let's think about this together."
"...uh thanks," I said awkwardly, not knowing what else to say. She smiled and squeezed my hand.
"...So can I leave now?" I asked. Her smile dropped.
"I thought we're going to talk about it!"
"What? Now? But…" I glanced at the door and then at the clock at the front of the room desperately.
"Yankumi, are you done yet?!" I heard Chikamatsu yell out from the other side of the door only to get scolded by who I assumed was his mother.
"...see you," I said. Yankumi looked like she had more to say, but I opened the door to the classroom before she could.
I walked out past the other students and parents in silence. I got to where Sawada sat. He glanced up from his book.
"I'm going home. Tell the guys I said bye."
He nodded and I left.
I walked out of school and headed for home. I couldn't get Yankumi's words out of my head. But what could Yankumi even do...I didn't even know what my future looked like. Passing the cafe with the closed sign made my heart feel even heavier. I quickly changed and put Sawada's sweater, shirt, pants and socks in the wash. I made myself lunch, did some other chores, checked to make sure nothing in the cafe fridge was expired before putting on my music and doing my homework. I finally finished everything after especially struggling through the Japanese essay and before I knew it, I was asleep, exhausted from the crazy events of the day.
I woke up when I felt a presence in the room with me. I looked up sleepily and noticed Shun in front of the table, looking at me.
"Shun!" I exclaimed, ripping out my earphones. I couldn't read the expression on his face.
"Hey," he said. "Why are you home so early? Wouldn't you just be getting home around now?"
I checked the clock and saw that it was 5 already.
"...we had a half day at school today," I said.
"Why?"
I shrugged. "Some teacher's meeting. Nothing to do with us."
"Really? Lying now?"
I stared at him. What?
He handed me a crumpled sheet of paper, and I already knew it was the notice to give to our guardians about the parent teacher conference. But why did he have it? "I found this in the trash."
"You went through my trash?" I asked in disbelief. He'd never done that before.
"Well when Sho called me concerned that you didn't come home last night and you wouldn't pick up the phone, what else was I supposed to do?!"
I bit my lip. It was true that my phone battery had died last night and since Sawada had a different type, I couldn't charge mine. I had plugged it in earlier when I got home but hadn't checked it since. But I hadn't expected Shun to try to contact me or even notice that I was gone. But I wasn't going to try to reason that with Shun who looked incredibly pissed off. And what the hell? He went into my room and dug through my trash?
At that moment, Shun's phone rang and I suddenly remembered that Sawada's clothes were probably done. I silently stood up, hoping it'd give me time to calm down before lashing out. But what I didn't expect was for Shun to reject the call and follow me into the laundry room and I tensed.
"So you don't tell anyone about your parent teacher conference. Fine. I get it. It's a touchy subject. At least you weren't ditching. But where were you last night?"
I bristled at his tone. "At a friend's. Sorry my phone died."
"What friend?"
Shun stared as I quietly pulled out Sawada's clothes from the dryer, folded them and put them into a bag. I heard him make a sound of disbelief when I pulled out the slacks last.
"Whose are those?"
"I just borrowed them okay?! It rained last night and I had nothing to wear!"
"So you stayed at some guy's place?!"
"He's not just some guy! He's a classmate!" I argued, getting increasingly frustrated at his questions.
"All you had to do was focus on your studies and graduating! I thought I could leave you alone for one day without it coming to this."
"What do you think I'm doing?! When you're gone, I don't stop doing what I do. Why don't you trust me?"
"I do trust you but-"
"But what Shun? Do you think I'm slipping back into my old ways?"
Shun fell silent and his silence hurt me the most.
"Is that what you think of me? That I'm back to sleeping with guys for approval?"
"That's not what I meant, Kana."
"Then what did you mean?! You talk about trust, but you don't trust me Shun. You leave, do your own thing, keep me and Sho in the dark, but the moment I do something out of the ordinary, you think you have a right to know."
"I just want the best for you-"
"Do you really? Then how about you actually talk to me, to Sho, to Wataru-san. Then maybe we'd all know about Nishida instead of being blindsided!"
I knew I fucked up when I saw the look on his face when I said Nishida's name.
"Why do you know about him?" Shun asked, his voice threatening.
I grabbed the bag of Sawada's clothes and took a step back. "...does it matter? I know."
He grabbed my arm. "You don't know anything. You don't know who you're dealing with!"
"Then why haven't you told me?!" I shouted at him. "Then maybe I wouldn't have had to see Wataru-san beaten so badly just so Nishida could send you a message!"
I took advantage of Shun's shock to wrench my arm from his grasp and run. I grabbed my phone and my wallet from my room, dumped them into the bag with Sawada's clothes and his shoes and ran out of the house.
I didn't stop running until I was well outside of our area. The look of shock, pain and absolute fury on Shun's face when I had told him about Wataru-san…I sent a silent apology to Wataru-san for betraying his trust and telling Shun in the heat of the moment. But I was fuming. Who was Shun to try to control what I was doing when he didn't even realize how badly his secrets were affecting all of us?
I shot Sho a quick text.
"Sorry I didn't respond last night. Phone died. Talked with Shun."
If Sho still didn't know what was going on, I didn't want to drag him into this. Just after I pushed send, I realized Shun was calling me and I turned off my phone. I would deal with it later...just not now.
I began to head to Sawada's, mind jumbled with everything that had just happened.
When I finally got there, I knocked and he opened the door immediately. He looked a little relieved to see me, surprising me.
"I brought your clothes. Thanks for lending them to me," I said, holding out the bag. "I washed them," I added.
"You didn't have to," he said, holding open the door.
Suddenly, Yankumi popped up from behind Sawada, startling me. "Hi, Kana!"
"…What are you doing here?" I asked, her being the last person I expected to see.
"You're just in time! I'm cooking! Come in, come in," she invited me, even though this clearly wasn't her house.
I glanced at Sawada, who rolled his eyes. I hesitantly walked into Sawada's place for the second time in two days.
"You can cook?" I asked her curiously as she returned to bustling around the kitchen.
"Sawada asked me the same question! Why does everyone doubt me? Of course! I have to be prepared in case I get married," she answered confidently. "Please take a seat and wait while I do everything!"
Sawada sighed and sat on his couch, flipping open his book. I sat next to him and decided to watch Yankumi do her thing.
"Kana, it didn't cross my mind earlier because today was so hectic," Yankumi began, seemingly done with putting everything on the stove, "but you weren't wearing your blazer today."
I shot Sawada a smirk. "She noticed!"
"But it's after hours so it doesn't count," Sawada deadpanned. I made a face but knew he was right.
"I mean, you're not in trouble, but it's a good thing Vice Principal Sawatari didn't catch you," Yankumi said. "Was there a reason you weren't wearing it today?"
"I put it in the wash and just kind of forgot," I said with a shrug. Sawada nudged me with his foot and I shoved his leg.
Yankumi sat at the foot of the couch.
"But you know, I didn't know you two were so close."
I gave her a confused look. Why was she the second person to say that today?
"Like you knew where Sawada lives?" Yankumi pointed out.
"I sent Kana an SOS earlier," Sawada explained without looking up from his book.
"Whatever for?"
"Because someone appeared here uninvited and claimed she could cook."
Yankumi gasped as if terribly offended, when I suddenly smelled it.
"Is something burning?"
Five minutes, a ton of smoke and a whole lot of yelling and commotion from Yankumi later, there was a charcoal black mess on the table.
"What is it?" I asked bluntly. And who said she could cook?
"Gratin…charcoal-grilled…ish?" she said sheepishly.
"Ish? It's charcoal!" Sawada retorted.
"Backup!" Yankumi said immediately, whipping out some cup noodles from her bag.
The particular brand she had was Shun's favorite and our fight earlier came rushing back to me. I turned on my phone and saw many missed phonecalls from him.
"I should go…" I said as Sawada began heating up some water at the stove for the noodles.
"Ah, Kana? I called your grandparents after your conference today," Yankumi said suddenly, just as I was getting ready to go. I stopped in my tracks. "Your grandmother told me she had no idea about the conference...and then she explained what happened with your parents…I'm so sorry Kana. I wish you had told me. I would have understood."
Understood what?! I wanted to snap at her, but I bit my lip. And what had my grandmother told her about my current living situation? Did she know?
"What did you even come here for?" Sawada's cool voice came from the kitchen area. We both looked up at him, and I had never been more grateful for the interruption.
"Well, I called your parents too. I talked to your mom, and she said told me that you moved out when you fought with your dad over getting expelled after hitting your teacher," Yankumi said.
"Don't stick your nose into my business," Sawada said. He glanced at me, and I gave him an I-told-you-so look. Yankumi was the type to pry into our private lives, whether we liked it or not.
"Why don't you try talking to him? It's not too late to make amends." Yankumi suggested earnestly.
"I don't intend to go back there. My dad only cares about how society sees us. He says that trash like me is a failure to the family," Sawada laughed grimly. I was stunned. Was it better to have no parents, or parents that put you down like that?
"Well…See, I don't understand those types of feelings, since my parents died over ten years ago. I feel that since one's parents are alive, it's sort of a waste to not want to live with them."
I stared down at my hands. Yankumi was being so honest, yet we definitely weren't. Or at least I wasn't.
"So what…did you come here just to tell me to go home?" Sawada asked dryly.
"That was my intention, but-"
Suddenly, Sawada's phone rang, cutting her off. I glanced at the phone. It was Natsumi.
"Natsu, what's up?" Sawada asked, answering his phone. He listened for a while, and then said, "Okay, where are you right now?"
I could only hear the faint sound of the dial tone coming from the phone.
"Natsu? Natsumi?!" Sawada shouted in alarm.
Author's note: Thank you for reading! Comments appreciated!