Chapter V: Memories can drown

Darkness.

All around was liquid darkness, enveloping me in its peaceful embrace.

A caress.

A hand, so familiar, slightly callused from all the carvings. I could recognise that feathery touch anywhere.

"Come back, come back to me..." A voice I was so accustomed to beckoned to me. I knew that it was time to awaken, to break free from the shackles of the dream, but all I wanted to do was to sleep on. Please, just a little more.

Unsure whether it was my eyes or my mind that opened, but the darkness was awashed with blinding light. Everything changed, I was no longer floating to oblivion, rather, a careful glance around brought me back to the classroom where I could feel his presence permeating from every desk, every chair, every wall...

"You've finally come."

Turning towards the desk in the corner, I spied Enishi sitting there, his posture slack and comfortable, as usual. Wearing his customary smirk, his eyes sparkled with something unreadable.

"What do you want?"

I was on guard from the moment I set my eyes on him. I knew that he could do whatever he wanted with me, and that if I didn't shield myself, I would easily allow him to.

But I can't.

...I'm a man of many wishes,

I hope my premonition misses,

But what I really feel,

My eyes won't let me hide,

'Cos they always start to cry,

'Cos this time could mean goodbye...

For some reason to which I'm completely oblivious, Stevie Wonder's song started playing in my mind. This time is goodbye isn't it?

"Just to see you." The easy smirk fell off his face as it revealed his earnest smile and the sadness that bled into his eyes. I tried to turn away from him, tried to hold my tears back, tried to run away... but I couldn't. He didn't belong to sorrow, no, never. He was my light, my sunshine, my escape from something that threatened to smother me with its crushing immensity. He save me.

Enishi saved me.

Why was it that I couldn't do the same for him?

"I just wanted," standing up from his sitting position, his lanky frame soon came to stand in front of me as his heated gaze bore down on me. "to see how you are. Are you happy? Are you smiling?"

Bringing his hands up to grasp my arms, he held me at arms' length, as though able to scrutinize my psychological well-being that way.

"Why did you come back? I thought we said goodbye, I thought-"

"That when I transferred school you'll never see my face again?"

Wrenching his hands from me, I missed the warmth that seeped through my skin, into my heart. For the second time in my life, he turned away from me, and God, it hurt as much as it did when he first did it, when he left me for the first time.

"It's late already, we have to wake up early for school, go home!" I pushed him towards the direction of his house.

The day was fun-filled, brimming with laughter and jovial companionship. But like all other days, this one was coming to an end, all too soon.

"Ma'am, are you sure you want to see me gone so soon?" Enishi pouted, knowing that I couldn't help but tug at his ear when he does that, followed by my arms snaking round his neck to pull him down to 'baby' him.

"How's that?" I panted as we pulled apart, not really caring who saw us. We were hidden by the darkness and there weren't too many people out at this late hour anyway.

"That's very good, but I'm going to need a goodnight kiss, Kaoru."

He smiled, a teasing smile. One that I haven't seen on him before. He was really just a little boy at heart, craving for attention and affection. Completely unable to resist him, I tiptoed to give into his childish demands. If it's a kiss he wants, it's a kiss he gets!

Finally breaking apart, he half-turned to walk back to his house.

"Wait!" I couldn't stop the word before it escaped my lips, more because of the constricting feelings that tightened in my chest and the tears that threatened to escape.

It hurt. I didn't know how much it would hurt, but it did. Envisioning his back, seeing him slowly take that one step, and another, away from me in my mind's eye was much too much for me to bear. I thought I was strong... but maybe, not today.

Thankful for the darkness, Enishi could only hear the waver in my voice, and not witness the salty droplets brimming my eyes.

"Could... could you wait for me to walk out of sight?" I took a deep breath, afraid that I would fumble the next line. "I-I don't want to see your back."

Nodding understandingly, he simply stood there waiting for me to turn.

I never looked back.

Silence descended upon the room along with the tension I never thought I would feel, not with him. It tightened the noose I felt as I clasped my hands together, a defense mechanism that never worked, but made me feel better, nonetheless.

"You... you look well, 'Nishi...er.. Yukishiro-kun."

He sighed, raking his hands through his hair in a habit that I knew so well, revealing the frustration that lay in him. He was always so unreadable to the others, but they only needed to read that signs properly before realising that he was simply an open book. Why didn't they try?

"I may look it, but I sure as hell don't feel it." He confessed. "School is back to the same humdrum. Hn."

Eyes softening, he turned to me, easing the choking feeling that was simmering in me. "School is not the same without you, Kaoru."

I nearly cried at hearing him speak my name again after so long.

"Ah." I merely assented. Agreeing with him meant that I felt the same about it, but it did not mean that I would allow him back. Not into my heart at least, I couldn't.

"Do... do you miss me?" Enishi glanced at me hopefully, like the puppy that I could never really let go of...but why should I want to?

Yet... what has happened to him? What happened to the strong, tough, quiet boy who was so self-assured and confident about everything in the world? Since when was he replaced by this little boy who was craving for acceptance and approval?

"You know that's not the point."

His eyes flashed at my noncommittal answer. "Then what is?! You tell me! You gave the world to me! You gave me everything, my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations, and now you say that there's nothing between us and I can't even ask you anything??"

Enishi strod over to me, hands placed on my shoulders, clenching it tightly, as though he could break me with his bare fists, but I knew he couldn't. Not if he tried. Love worked that way.

"Tell me!" His eyes spoke of the anguish and desperation that he had while his hands belied great pain and his voice... his voice told me of the anger and perhaps hatred that seeped into his emotions. "Tell me what is the point now?"

Pushing me away, his hands dropped to his side as he sighed, moving up to rake his hair once more.

"You know that we can't continue this, don't fool yourself."

Simply looking at me, he whispered, so softly that had I stood any further from him, I would have missed the words. "But I can't help wanting, hoping that I can fool myself for the rest of my life."

My heart. He broke it with those words.

I love you too. I wanted to scream those words, declare to the school, allow them to kick me out on my own and stay with him forever and ever. But love is not sustenance, love is not the air, love is not our future, and it never will be.

"One dance. You and me."

I shook my head but he already held my palm with one hand, encircling my waist with his other free hand.

Crooning into my ear, he tightened his hold on me as I burrowed my face in his chest, willing my heart to loosen its restraints in these moments, and somehow stretch them to last forever.

Lately, I have had the strangest feeling
With no vivid reason here to find
Yet the thought of losing you's been hanging
'round my mind

I could feel, rather than hear, the thumping of this heart. It was so close to me, as though it was my heart that was in tune with his. His musky, masculine scent hung onto him, reminding me that some things never really change.

Far more frequently you're wearing perfume
With you say no special place to go
But when I ask will you be coming back soon
You don't know, never know

I whispered his name softly, wanting to hear it rumble out of my mouth, finding its way into his ear. All he did was tighten his hold on me as he released my hand and encircled my waist, pulling me closer to him, as my own snaked around his neck, searching for warmth like a moth to a flame. I've missed him so much it tears me apart.

Well, I'm a man of many wishes
Hope my premonition misses
But what I really feel my eyes won't let me hide
'Cause they always start to cry
'Cause this time could mean goodbye

When he hit the chorus, I couldn't help but allow my eyes to water up. This is the real goodbye. This time, we're really letting each other go, finding a way to make a life without each other, a life alone apart from our other half that makes us whole.

Lately I've been staring in the mirror
Very slowly picking me apart
Trying to tell myself I have no reason
with your heart

I really wanted to laugh amidst my tears. There's no way that I could ever find fault with him. No. He was much too perfect for that. Enishi was what I would have picked for myself if only I had a choice, if only he didn't have other responsibilities. But a choice was never given to me, the same way his responsibilities would never leave him unburdened. Our choice was already made long before we even realised it.

Just the other night while you were sleeping
I vaguely heard you whisper someone's name
But when I ask you of the thoughts your keeping
You just say nothing's changed

'If I could ever fall in love, it would be with you, only you.'

But he would never hear these words.

Oh, I'm a man of many wishes
I hope my premonition misses
But what I really feel my eyes won't let me hide
'Cause they always start to cry
'Cause this time could mean goodbye

I cried.

Clinging onto him, the feeling that my heart has broken, smashed into little pieces on my feet was so strong that I believed it to be true. I held onto him, desperate and frantic, as though it could save the both of us, and I sobbed.

"Don't go!" I screamed at the darkness that was threatening to take him away. Clawing through it, I grabbed for Enishi's arm, only to hold onto thin air. "No! I take it all back! I take it back! Come back to me!!!"

But only cruel silence awashed my ear with its deafening roar, forcing me to my knees.

All I knew to do was to cry.

Harder and harder.

I wept so hard I awoke myself up, still enveloped in the darkness. Turning to the alarm clock on my nightstand, I realised that I had been sleeping for only two hours. Sighing, I grabbed my robe still lying on the chair and stepped out on the balcony.

Everynight.

Every. single. goddamned. night. I dream. It's always the same, of the last time I saw him. Of our final goodbye.

And now I know why you had to go alone
Isn't there a place between

Tears meandered down my cheeks, unchecked and uncared for. Why should I? Tomorrow I would dream of him again, and this cycle would repeat until I finally spiral out of control.

"Five years. It's been five years, why can't I just let go?"

He would have made his way to the university by now, probably graduated and looking for a job. What would he do? Would he have fulfilled his father's wishes and take over the family company? Or would he follow his dreams and travel the globe selling his handicraft?

...Look how far your dreaming's gone...


Staring out into the cloudy night sky, I marvelled at the city, how it remained lit at midnight, still very much alive despite the late hour. Would he be out there? Amidst the hustle and bustle of the night life? Or would he be at home? Perhaps safely esconced in the warm embrace of another woman? And would there ever be a day I could harbour that thought without the familiar ache settling in the pit of my stomach?

Raking my hand through my hair in a gesture that belonged very much to him, I merely sighed, continuing my observation of the city below, reminding myself of how I never really belonged anyway.

...I know you're gone
I watched you leave.

Tsuzuku

A/N: This chapter was one of the ones that I like. Not so naughty, (just you wait til the next one) but endearing in its own way. What I enjoyed writing was the dream scene, because it coincides with my thoughts half the time. I'm dreaming my life away sometimes, that I don't quite know when I'm dreaming, and when I'm not. But that doesn't matter, because that means fodder for writing!

Nakkie: Thank you for taking the time out to read and review, I can understand if you feel that some chapters do not require reviewing (should that make me happy because that means no blatant and glaring errors?), but it'll be nice to hear from you once in awhile anyway. And with the way this story is going, I have a feeling that it'll be ending soon. Pretty sad news because I love writing it. Poetic? I don't know if it's poetic, or whether it's like Shakespeare -scratches head- but it's a compliment nonetheless, thanks!

Goldmund: Thank you for your encouragement. I think that I would always consider the female sex to do things out of their heart, rather than their head, but that's just biasness. Who cares? Most of the world thinks that way too.. I think! And secondly, the symphony? I like that connection as well, though I'm not quite sure how it would tie in with the end of the story, mostly because I didn't plan until there. I hate not knowing, but well, the feeling is mutual because I more or less give this story free reign. I give it space to move and gallop, and find its final resting place. Gives me less stress too! Just hope that you like what's happening, and let me know if there's anything I can do to improve it. Hope to hear from you again!

Questions:

How old is Enishi?

About 18-19. Definitely still wearing uniform, so expect him to be in a private school.

Will they separate until he reaches of age?

Well, of age to do what? You see, if it's of age to marry, he's already it, and if it's of age to have sex, well, 16 is the legal age... But will they separate until he matures? You've gotta keep reading. Personally, I don't think that there'll be such a happy ending as For a Love that Wouldn't Bloom, but hopefully, close enough. Still, my little muse refuses to divulge anything. Selfish thing.

How old is Kaoru?

About... 23-24 years of age. A rather young and brash teacher, like she has described herself. She's eager to teach and bring knowledge to the kids, little does she realise that she's going to be the student.

Is she lonely because Kenshin died?

No. Kenshin doesn't quite have anything to do with this. Okok, to be honest, I don't quite know. You see, there's hints of what Enishi feels as well, but we don't quite know why he feels them. I'd like to keep their histories as mysterious as possible because i) it's too much of a hassle to think ii) mostly because this story has an ethereal/dreamlike/poetic quality to it, don't you think? To have too many details would lose that quality which I've been trying to strive for.

So.. Does that answer all your questions? For more answers, please click that liiiittle button there. ^_^

~Haruko