Chapter VII: I Dreamed a Dream - Three Steps into Yesterday
There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
~
"... was it true? Was it true?"
The voice of the excited girl next to me forced me to return to Planet Earth and report.
"Huh?"
Exasperated, she pointed once more at the magazine in her hand repeating her question once more.
"Is it true that Yukishiro Enishi was a student here?"
Rubbing my eyes to ensure that I was not hallucinating, I dumbly nodded my head. It's true. It's him. He was on the magazine, his glossy picture splashed all over the pages, a smile, revealing his white pearlies... he has not changed at all.
"Wow!" The girls squealed and bombarded me with more questions, though it was hard for me to concentrate on anything other than the magazine in her hand. Unconciously I took it from her, reading the few paragraphs that was enumerating his many accolades and accomplishments.
... "Ma'am..."
Huh? Was that? Was that...?
But when I turned around, it was merely the whining of the girls when I 'zoned' out.
"Kamiya-sensei! How well do you know him? Was he your student? Which year was he in?"
Swallowing none too ladylike, I took a deep breath and tried to be as vague as possible with the gang of vultures hovering over me.
"... I... I know him as well as I would know any other student." ...who I'd happen to fall in love with and date. Hey, even now I'm hung up over him. Did I mention that I'm still dreaming of him? Yes, as in every night-
"So was he your student?!" They badgered me with another question even before my internal monologue was completed. How rude.
"Yes, I was his form teacher, and he was a student here five years ago."
"You're his form teacher!? So you should know quite abit about him!"
You can't imagine how much. "Yes." I know the insides of his mouth better than you know your forces that's for sure!
"So what was his best subject?"
"Physics." All too easy.
"What kind of a student was he?"
"Brilliant, but quiet." Ask any teacher, this was the 'safest' answer.
"Where did he sit?"
"At the last row, in the corner." Simple enough, how could I forget?
Come on, ask me anything, nothing can surprise me now!
"So is it true that his first and only love was from this school??"
Can I take it all back now?
~
Then it all went wrong
~
"Can I kiss you?"
I blushed at his question.
"Absolutely not!" I answered vehemently.
Looking nonchalant at my reply, he merely leaned in and pecked my cheek.
"Wha-what did you do that for?!"
My hand shot up to touch my 'smote cheek' and I turned a shade deeper.
"You said no."
"Yes! Exactly!"
"So I kissed you."
"What kind of stupid logic is that??" I questioned him hotly. More embarassed that we're arguing over a kiss that I didn't actually mind.
"The logic of love."
How could I dispute?
This time, when he leaned in for another kiss, I just stood there, waiting for it, entwining my fingers in his very being.
Just sweet.
~
"...Yes. It was true." There was no point lying, they'd find out anyway. I'm just grateful he didn't mention any names.
"What kind of a girl was she? Quiet? Soft-spoken? Homely? Out-going?"
Getting very irritated by the barrage of questions, I groaned.
"What's that to you??"
Stupid question, because the girls merely turned starry-eyed and swooned.
"So I can be like that and make him fall in love with me!"
~
"Don't you think these pair of dark glasses are cool?"
He turned to me, striking a ridiculous pose as he did so.
Stifling my laughter, I replied as calmly as my taut facial muscles would allow me to.
"Yes Neo, oh great Chosen One."
Sticking his tongue out at me, he replaced the shades back on the rack, not without shooting back at my retort.
"What's wrong with these shades anyway? I've got to look cool while I'm saving the world you know."
Shaking my head, I turned to him, regarding him with mirthless eyes.
"Shades hide the most essential part of the soul - it's entrance. What's so cool about that?"
Leaning in, he placed his eyes right in line with mine cocking his head to one side, as though scrutinizing a piece of meat or chemical.
"I can never hide behind anything when it comes to you, not even shades, Kaoru-koishii."
I simply smiled at him shaking my head in doubt.
~
"This talented artist will be bringing his exhibition round Japan. And though his works would not have the opportunity to be displayed at our gallery, you can go to Osaka, just five hours by car and three by train, to catch his pieces of brilliance. Though he refused to divulge the exact theme of the exhibition, as of yet, he simply said that the display would be called 'Three Steps into Yesterday'."
Reading and re-reading the magazine over again, I sighed. So he was following his dream.
"The Apollo of Carving, as he is known in the art scene, remains very stoic about his private life, though he has admitted that he only had one love in his life before, and that was a girl in his high school. No more information about this myseterious girl was divulged, though it seems that Yukishiro-sensei is now very much single."
Staring into the sky, I gazed into the horizon. At least I won't have to imagine him with another woman in his arms, considering I've always found it hard to resist the urge to rip out another woman's eyeballs for staring at Enishi the wrong way.
"Kamiya-sensei?"
"Hai?"
"What is the magnitude of the force?"
~
She slept a summer by my side
She filled my days with endless wonder
~
"Kiss me? For the rest of my life will you kiss me?"
A smirk.
"As many times as you want, whenever you want."
"You promise?" I lifted up my little finger for a 'pinky' promise, smiling the most innocently grin that I can make.
"Yes..." He sighed, it was not normal for me to act so childish, that being his role most of the time, but every now and then, when I start to get demanding, he had no choice but to submit to my will... or face the terrible sight of my teary eyes. So lifting his little finger, he curled it around mind tightly, like the vow that it was.
"What about now?"
"In the middle of the street?!"
My eyes filled up as I pouted and frowned, very tempted to stomp my feet so as to emphasise my dissatisfaction.
"What good are promises if you're just going to break them?? You liar!"
He looked down at me, matching my watery gaze amd melted.
"Alright, alright, a promise is a promise."
But as he lowered his face towards mine, I moved my hand up and pushed him away, my frown blossoming into a mischievious grin.
"In the middle of the street?!"
I threw his words back at him and bounded to the other side of the street before he could reach me, laughing all the while.
~
She took my childhood in her stride
But she was gone when autumn came
~
The bell sent me reeling back into reality.
"Alright, I want all of you to complete your homework and hand it in tomorrow!"
Resting my head against my palm, I hardly registered the students shuffling out of the classroom until I heard one of the girls calling out my name.
"Yes?"
"Will you be going for the exhibition?"
Surprised, I looked at her, trying my best not to get too flustered under her scrutiny. Was she suspecting something suspicious?
"Why do you ask?"
Shrugging nonchalantly, she smiled at me.
"You're his form teacher, why shouldn't you?"
... Because I broke his heart, and no matter how much I try, I can't put it back together again.
~
"What can I get for you, on your birthday?"
Enishi gazed into my eyes, his shades blocking my vision of returning that gaze. Shifting himself slightly to get comfortable, he rested his head atop my lap as though it was the most natural thing to do.
Surprised that he would even remembered the day, I gaped at him for a second.
"My... birthday?"
Enishi never bought me anything before. Why now?
Smiling guilessly at me, he replied while tweaking my nose mockingly.
"I want it to be special."
Blushing at his attentive ministrations, I paused for a moment, thinking. What should I get? What do I want?
Looking down at his cheerful smile, something I'd never think I'd see two months ago, I knew what I wanted.
"Promise me." I looked into his eyes, to memorise the way light fell on it, changing its hue from topaz to glacier every angle he turned.
"What?" He tilted his head, changing the shade to a lighter grey this time. "What can I promise my dear ma'am?"
Brushing his nose against mine in an intimate eskimo kiss, I broke away and answered.
"Promise me that no matter what happens, you'll never lose faith in yourself. Because you can do it. You have the strength inside of you, I know it." Placing my palms on both sides of his head, I gently gripped him, bearing my eyes into his, willing him to gain strength from my belief and my unwavering faith in him. "You have the gift in you, the talent, and the inner beauty. No one else can see it, but it doesn't matter. Believe in that gift, that talent, that beauty of yours.
"When you can finally do that, close your eyes, calm yourself down and listen to your heart. Then after it has spoken, don't question, just spread your wings and... fly. Don't ever look back, don't ever think that you don't matter, because more than anything else in the world, you do. If not to anyone else, to me. So just go, go and make your dreams come true."
Gaping at my open declaration, Enishi simply enfolded me in his arms, breathing in my scent so deeply like a fish gasping for air.
"My faith," he started, disbelievingly. "is that all you want? My faith?"
Smiling as I held onto his lean yet strong frame, my answer was slightly muffled but still audible.
"Yes, it's all I need... and want."
Burrowing himself deeper, as deep as he can get, he chuckled.
"What would I ever do without you, Kaoru-sensei?"
Sensing the teasing note in his tone, I playfully punched his shoulder, pushing him back onto my lap and deliver my deadliest mock glare.
"You'd fail physics, that's what, buster."
~
So it was probably that students's words that day that pushed me to where I am today. Standing in front of the door of the gallery, I did not think that I would have made it all the way here. Sitting in the car, all I could think of was him. It was as though the tap was turned on and an entire avalanche of emotions came spilling out. I was not even prepared for the intensity of emotions that caught me off guard.
... his gentle smile, his beautiful eyes, his neat handwriting, his tousled hair, his callused hands, his soft kiss, his everything...
Just thinking about him made me want to turn the car around and forget about this stupid ride down what seems like a poorly disguised attempt to regain something of yesterday. But yesterday was so far away. How was I to ever reach it?
I gripped the wheel tighter than I've ever done before, until my hands were drained of blood, but still I could not feel anything. What would he think? What would go through his mind when he saw me there? Was is selfish of me to do that? What if he didn't want me to be there? In all fairness, I was the one who pushed him away, and now I was throwing myself at him??
Stopping the car by the roadside, I could not help but rest my forehead against the steering wheel and cry.
It was a rather strange experience because I have not cried since the day he left, not conciously anyway. I did not count crying myself awake since it was done unconciously, but it did not matter. Because it means that all these years between us, figuratively and literally, meant nothing. They did not do anything to lengthen the distance I needed between him and I. If anything else, they served to dissolve that said distance. Like rain washing away all that is dirty and impure from the world, these tears meant that I have been lost in our love again. Or what has become and is left of our love.
~
Time stood still, but it's trying to move once more
Full of things I don't want to forget
I'll surely be crying tomorrow at this time
I'll be thinking of you
~
So here I still am, standing in front of the gallery, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible, if it were not for the fact that there was no one else at the pavement and a man in a tweed jacket just noticed me.
"Ah! Are you here to see the exhibition? How wonderful! Do come in! Come!"
Surprised at his joviality, I wondered how he was related to Enishi, rather strange considering he wasn't one of the jolliest person I knew.. other than when we were alone.
Shaking my head, I refused to think about the past. Our eyes were placed in front of the head for a reason!
"... Sorry, did you say something?"
Grinning widely, he simply repeated his statement.
"You don't quite seem the type to enjoy looking at carvings, painting seems more like your type."
Giving him the faintest of smiles I shook my head.
"I'm an avid fan of carvings, especially of 'Ni-... Yukishiro-sensei."
"Oh? Is that so? I didn't know that he was famous in Osaka."
"Well, I'm not from here actually, I'm from the Tokyo. It took me six and a half hours to get here." At his perplexed look I quickly added. "Bad traffic."
"Oh, I see." A look of understanding flashed across his expressive face as he continued his queries, all the more confusing me as to how he could work with someone so lively. "And how do you know Enishi-san?"
"He was my... We met in school. We were in the same.. class."
Another shine of comprehension danced across his features as he nodded his head.
"Lovely that he would have a classmate come all the way here to see his works, I'm sure he'd be pleased."
More than willing to allow the facade to continue on, I merely kept quiet, all the while looking at the passageway towards the exhibition.
"If you don't mind my saying so... have we met before?"
Whipping my head around to face him, I tilted my head in confusion.
"No, I haven't met you before, I'd know if I did.. why?"
"Oh, you just look very familiar, that's all... Ah! Sir! If you would excuse me, there are some people I recognise just coming in, please, feel free to look around."
Without looking back, he marched purposefully towards the couple ahead, leaving me to grateful, merciful silence once more.
~
You will always be inside my heart
There's always a place just for you
~
Stunned was more than what I could say when faced with his carvings. Not only did he display his works, next to them were poems and prose, accompanying each piece. But what took my breath away was the depth of emotions I could discern from his handiwork. Each curve, each harsh line revealed a sensitivity and reverence for his craft, something that neither time nor hardships can ever take away from him.
Shrugging off my initial shock, I took a closer look at the little figurines perched seemingly precariously yet sturdily on the platforms and was shell-shocked once more.
It was no wonder that man thought he recognized me. Looking at the pieces of wood deftly taking form under my love's hand, I could understand – every carving was of me.
But Enishi's agent could not be sure because my face was never shown. Yet I knew that it was me because not only was my hair always swept into that familiar low ponytail that I favoured, a small almost non-existent scar was carved into the model's neck, right below the ear. Such attention to detail, I never knew he could do that.
~
His hands worked their magic on me as soothed and eased my aching muscles. From my shoulder blades to my neck, there was no sore that he could not cure. Sweeping my hair to one side, he deftly worked the muscles, relaxing and loosening them. Who knew that such a little Prince would work his hands this way? Makes me wonder what else he can do with it.
"What's this?"
His voice broke through my reverie, bringing me back to the deserted classroom at the end of the hall, where my troubled student offered to give me a break from tutoring him with a free massage. Of course I agreed. Do I look like an idiot to you?
"What's what?"
I could feel the pressure of his finger on the spot right below my left ear, where my scar must have been.
"Can't you see? It's a scar." I teased him.
"How...?"
Turning away from him, I faced forward, trying to disregard it.
"It's nothing, really."
"How?" He repeated, this time more forcefully than before.
"An accident. I was lucky... but the rest... we-weren't."
His forehead rested on the spot between my shoulder blades as he heaved a sigh.
"There's too much sorrow in the world, don't you think so... Kamiya-sensei?"
That was the first time he's ever called me that, while all I could do was to continue facing forward and nodding my head in assent.
~
The particular piece I was looking at was one of me in school, where I was sitting at the desk, yet the face was clear of features, and only my back, my hair, my clothes were given great attention. Right below it, he wrote a haiku:
Love is a flower
Blossoming into beauty
Crumbling to dust
This must be the reason why the magazine asked him about his first love. It was all too real, all too painfully carved into every piece.
My heart is a flame
Burning aglow with passion
Consuming my soul
Feeling my heart constrict and clench with each new work that I looked at, every new haiku I read, I had the sudden urge to turn and run. Away from yesterday, away from these painful reminders, and away from every piece of his broken heart.
So I turned, and slammed right into someone.
"I'm sorry, sir."
His words were my undoing.
"Didn't I tell you to call me by my name, ma'am?"
~
Even if I fall in love with someone else once against
I'll remember to love, you taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Now it's still a sad love song
~
Tsuzuku
A/N: Wow, my longest chapter ever! What do you think about it? One more scene added from my posting on my LG, for those who read, like Firuze and Jerjonji, check it out and let me know what you think!
The idea of this chapter, 'Three Steps into Yesterday' was actually one of having a 'flashback' chapter, filled with the happier and not so happy times that the two spent. It's all mixed up, some more recent, others not so. But this is to reveal bits of the two that I couldn't, not while the story line still has to be developed. I certainly hope that this portrays that which I wanted to! Another point is, the difference in time [from each flashback] is quite like the thought patterns of a person, that's why it keeps jumping around. Not just because of the confusion in Kaoru's mind, but also because that's how memories come to us, isn't it? We never quite remember things in chronological manner, only in a haphazard manner, isn't it?
[Unknown]: I think that the bumping into each other is already done! Now I just need to guess what's going to happen next, because I really don't know what's going on!