Chapter VIII: How Could You Not
As you stand
at this end of the bridge which arcs,
from love, you think, into enduring love,
learn to reach deeper
into the sorrows
to come – to touch
the almost imaginary bones
under the face, to hear under the laughter
the wind crying across the black stones. Kiss
the mouth
which tells you, here,
here is the world. This mouth. This laughter.These temple bones.
The still cadence of vanishing.
...we will go out together,
we will walk out together among
the ten thousand things,
each scratched too late with such knowledge:
the wages of dying is love.
~Galway Kinnell
'Little Sleep's-Head Sprouting Hair in the Moonlight'
-
I don't quite know how it happened, but one minute I was walking, a quiet apparition in my own exhibition, observing the various reactions to my work, and the next, I bumped into the person in front of me. Only that it turned out to be more than just another face in the crowd.
"I'm sorry, sir." I don't think I could ever misplace or forget that voice ever.
It was like falling back into a familiar routine that brought a great deal of comfort to this tired soul. I simply acted and spoke out of habit, of a memory that I thought I had lost. So I held my arm out to steady her waist, inadvertently pulling her closer to me. (And though I would confess that in my younger days, it would have not been a mistake, but a concious effort, at this age and time, it most definitely was.) So I said the words that broke out before I could recapture them.
"Didn't I tell you to call me by my name, ma'am?"
Have you ever heard of the story of the girl who was adopted? No?
I could literally feel her breathing pattern changed. What was light turned heavy and slightly flustered. Yet as quickly as the alterations was felt, it disappeared. Calm and collected, Kaoru merely remained in my unwilling embrace and smiled up through tinted lenses.
She spent her entire life growing up with the knowledge that she wasn't borne of the same flesh and blood as the couple who brought her up.
"And didn't I tell you to stop calling me that, Yukishiro-sensei?"
Stepping away from the heady haze her light perfume was putting me in, I shook my head slighty.
Everyday, she would look in the mirror, staring and staring, hoping to catch a glimpse of her natural parents.
"It's strange seeing you in sunglasses. Are the lights in the gallery too bright?"
I knew how she hated wearing them, so why now?
However, the answer, like her birth, was a mystery. Nevertheless, her adoptive parents loved her all the same.
"There are some things I need to hide, until I know the truth." Being enigmatic was my job, but if she wanted to be that way, who was I to stop her?
They would buy her beautiful dresses and dolls to play with, send for the best teachers and shower her with love...
"What can I do for you? I didn't expect to meet you, here of all places."
But she was never happy.
But before she could even answer, the cheerful voice of my agent broke out behind me.
"Ah! I see the two of you have met! This lady came earlier and told me that you knew her from your school days, I didn't realise that you studied five hours from here! Why don't you bring your classmate to the office and do some catching up? I can handle things around her for awhile."
So, one day, she ran away. Far from the house she knew, from the parents who loved her, from the only place she called home.
'Agree! Agree!' My infantile heart wanted to say. Pleading with my mind as it started whining and irritating me with different versions of 'the song that never ends', I could not help but blanch.
She travelled the world, meeting people from faraway lands, experiencing life to the fullest, trying to find the people who could recognize her face and claim her as their own... But it never happened.
"Yukishiro?" My agent started intently at me. "Are you alright?"
Raking my hand through my hair, I let out a sigh of frustration. "Just fine."
"'Ni-Yukishiro-sensei?"
I tried to hide my grimace, but it peeked out. Trying my best not to look her in the face, (it would not be an easy task anyway, since she hid her eyes) I merely turned to my agent.
"We can speak here, thank you." And as polite as that sounds, having worked for me for awhile, he knew that was my way of dismissing him.
I turned back to Kaoru, putting on the most businesslike 'face' that I could. And as foreign a feeling as it was, doing such a thing in front of her of all people, I felt a strange sense of phlegmatism wash over me. This was as ready as I ever would be.
"I'm sure you're not here simply to catch up. What do you want?" I couldn't help but be curt to her. I needed to protect my battered heart more than I needed to remain polite and gentlemanly, and if there was someone who was capable of hurting me, it was most definitely she.
One day, she tried to find her way back to the land where she was from, back to that house that she spent her childhood in.
"To see you." Simply said, it sounded like something old classmates would say to each other as one patted the other on the back, praising him for some misplaced accomplishments. But this wasn't the case. Neither were we old classmates.
But like the years that separated her from her parents, her memory faded and she lost her way.
"Well, now you've seen me, what else do you want? If not..."
But before I could end the sentence, she grabbed my hand in the same swift that she employed when doing anything else, be it cleaning the whiteboard or rapping the metre long ruler on any misbehaving student's table or head.
"Kamiya-san." I started, hoping she would note the change in address and hopefully get the message I was transmitting. She was always a smart one.
"No."
Incredulously, I stared down at her, my jaw ajar as I was left gaping at her.
"What do you mean 'no'? Was there a question in the first place-"
But she interrupted me before I completed that sentence.
"No. This is my answer to something before that. Once, long time ago, you asked me a question. One that I never answered. Do you remember what it was?"
By the time she ended her sentence, her other free hand moved up to her face, removing the dark glasses that were previously perched on her nose. It was then that her sapphire eyes lay her raw emotions bare for me to witness, some of which I could not understand no matter how much I tried.
I asked her a question? Raking my hair, racking my brains, I tried to come up with the answer. I've asked her so many questions, but which were the ones that was left unanswered? Five years, it's been five years, how was I supposed to- Yes. How could I have forgotten it? Unbiddened, the answer burst forth from the depths of my mind. How Could I indeed.
Am I a game? Is that all I was? A way out of your loneliness??
Taking two steps towards her, I grabbed onto her shoulders for support, feeling my own wavering like a kite in a storm. I could not survive with or without her, I never wanted to. But it's not fair. It's just not fair.
"Kaoru, Kaoru, what do you want from me??"
Stepping back from her, determined to gain my footing in a dance that was long abandoned, I could not help but wish for merciful silence once more. But none was granted.
How the story ends? Well, the story doesn't really end. Because until today, the girl is still trying to find her way home.
"Nothing, Enishi. I merely wanted you to know."
"So ma'am, what's the point?"
"The point?"
"What's the point of this?" I raised my hands at the gallery, at the situation we were in, at the ridiculous memories she was dredging up again. "What should we be having this conversation that we should have had five years ago? Now's too late, it's over already."
She searches, asking anyone who was willing to listen.
Stepping back from me as though I've physically struck her, her eyes could not hide the hurt behind them. Now I knew what she was shielding behind her lenses, something she did not want me to see because she knew they would hurt me. She did not want me to see the pain, the raw guilt, the unending sorrow that she had to live with all this while, that marred the sparkle that used to be and dimmed the twinkle that slowly faded in her azure eyes.
All these years have passed, and she was just as pained as I was. Where was the point in that?
You want a happy ending?
Laughing an empty laugh, she merely stood there, gazing at me, as if pondering whether to let the cat out of the bag.
Well, there is a kind of happy ending because more than anything else, the girl has finally learnt the most important lesson in life.
"Don't you see? All these years, there's never been a point! Not once!... There was no point to our relationship at all."
Of experience,
She finished off quietly, as though afraid I would really strike her. But she was close. I was not simply angry, I was livid. How could she waltz back into my life and call the relationship that changed my life, changed my very being something that had 'no point'?!
of living,
Yet before I could lash out at her insensitive words, she continued on, her voice rising in cadence, a crescendo that I have yet to witness before.
and most of all,
"Relationships aren't a must have in life. It's not a prerequisite to exist. It's a frill, a mere bonus in life. Yet, it can become 'everything' in a person's life... like mine."
of love.
Looking me full in the eye, the pure confidence and strength that emanated from her threw me off, quieting the protest that rose to my lips before.
I wanted to pull her to me, to burrow myself in her scent, feel her seeping into my bones and branding me right there and then. I wanted to kiss her, to devour her, to force her to submit to me, yet at the same time, I needed to worship her, to tame me, to make me hers. But most of all, I wanted to shake her, to fist my hands around her hair, crush her to me, demanding that she wake up. Wake up. The fairytale has ended, I already had my heart bleeding in shards all over the floor, it was more than enough for me. I had nothing left, if not my pride.
"I'm sorry then, for you have wasted your time coming here. Find something else to fill your life Kaoru, you won't find it here."
"Enishi..."
It was the first time that she called me that in five years, and though I nearly crumbled, I refused to. She was my dream and my nightmare rolled into one. What did she want from me? What more can I give? A tattered heart? A broken dream? A past knee deep in regrets?
Curtly interrupting her, I half turned, refusing to look into her pleading gaze, all the while ignoring the curious glances the other passerbys gave us. Thankfully, it was early afternoon so the crowd remained a minimum.
You see, she learnt that even if her face bore no resemblance to theirs, her heart cried out for them, as did theirs for her. And to her, that was enough.
"I hope you enjoy the rest of the exhibition, do drop by during the auction that would be held tomorrow if you have the time."
And then, for the third time in my life, I turned and walked away from her.
And this, Enishi, is the lesson of love.
Tsuzuku
A/N: Alright, alright, so I was wrong. This is merely half a chapter, but I felt that the last line was fitting. There'll probably be more stuff coming up. If you read my blog, you'll realise that bits and pieces were taken from the story there, but it's been changed too. I've been in a funk lately, PMS-ing coupled with writer's block. But it seems to be lifting, so another chapter will be coming out soon. Part II is already thought out, so let's just wait for the fingers to work on it. Wish me luck!
Oh yes, and with respect to the story in the bold and italicised words, it's all made up. It has a strange and hollow resemblance to the story between Enishi and Kaoru, yet it's vastly different. Care to share your thoughts on that? Do tell me if it's too distracting though, it just popped up and I quite like it. But if it sucks, please tell me, no holds barred, I trust you!
Btw, a shout out to all the reviewers: myREEN n'RAAYneer (here's the continuation, hope you like it!), Cherry Whisper (it's such a delight hearing from you, now when are you going to update???), XxSilentXDreamerxX (Well, updating soon!), muemosyne (they will.. hopefully be together, but it's hard predicting what Enishi will do, we'll just have to see, ne?), Blah (hope you like this one!), ponchita (thanks for the compliments, I only hope that this chapter lives up to your expectations!), Firuze (please refer to your blog or email! ^_^), MissBehavin (Heh, did you see your name used in the story? I was thinking up words to describe what I wanted, and your name just popped up in my mind. Hope you won't sue me! Alright, now that I've updated, it's time for more Saitou-updates!), faithdivine88 (here's more for you! Are you satiated yet???), kenshin-koishii (don't worry about the reviews, I'm just glad that you read it! Of course a little recognition helps. Thanks a lot for your kind words, they are greatly appreciated.), Fingers (I really didn't know what to make Enishi into. There are so many jobs that he has taken before, and since I'm an arts buff... one thing led to another!), Dustyfall (no chapter is complete without you! And I'm trying my darnest best to have a happy writing experience but it's getting harder and harder, nonetheless, you've helped a great deal. Thanks so much.), Wishful-Eyes (Well, I just need to write another chapter that would hopefully become your favourite too! But it's hard, this chappie is so short. I'm praying that the next one would be longer!), Jade Catseye (Sorry it seems that this chapter is decidedly shorter, but I'll try to remedy the situation ASAP. Keep reviewing though! It really makes a difference in my writing... ^_^), Tsuki-san (Oh man, your review just made me melt! The rest of this would be found in your email, check it out! ^_^), goldmund (Thank you for being such a dedicated reader and reviewer. It's lovely that I know some people are coming back for more! A great encouragement for sure! Hope to see you soon!)
Once again, apologies for the sorry state of this chapter, the next would be soon, hopefully, and better, we can all pray for that right?? -grinz-
~Haruko