Disclaimed: I don't own Home and Away, although sometimes, I wish I did.
AN#1: This chapter is from Ric&Cassie's perspetive, I'm just trying it out, and I figured it would be nice for some Ric&Cassie fans. Enjoy
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Seduction of Summer
Chapter 5 – I don't feel the same.
You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing and I don't know why
- Keane, Everybody's Changing
Approaching our tent, I finally realised that I'd been staring off into space thinking to myself the entire walk back. Snapping out of it, I stopped abruptly and pulled Ric to me. Putting my arms around his neck, I leaned in to kiss him, not before seeing a smile on his face that meant he knew exactly what I was doing.
He kissed me eagerly, as I melted into his embrace; his strong arms wrapped around my back, essentially closing any small gap of space that had remained between the two of us.
I loved this feeling, and, despite everything, I wished we could spend more time together like this. I guessed that, if I was only thinking about kissing him, and where it would lead, it would take my mind off the fact we never spoke about Flynn any more.
It would make life that much simpler, to forget. But I didn't want to. Flynn didn't deserve to be forgotten.
Thinking about this, I felt Ric walk me back towards the tent, his lips still attached to my own. Knowing where this was about to lead, I pulled away from his quickly, and put some distance between the two of us. If I hadn't, Ric could've easily reached for me, and I would've given in easily, but that's not what I wanted to do.
I wanted… needed to get everything off my chest. I wanted him to know how I was feeling, and more than anything, I wanted to know how he was feeling. I wanted him to tell me what was going on inside his head.
I wanted him to open up.
I wanted him to trust me.
"Why do you act like Flynn never existed?' I started, not knowing exactly how I wanted this conversation to go, 'It's like you've erased him from your memory. Like it's wrong to think about him, to mention him, to talk about him at all. He's gone, and I miss him too, but I still think about him.
Sometimes, when I'm alone, I even have pretend conversations with him. I tell him about everything that's been happening. I tell him how much we're living life, because that's what he'd want us to do. I lie to him, to myself, because everything is not perfect. Everything has been a huge mess since he died, but neither you nor Sally is willing to admit that to yourselves are you?"
I paused here hoping the rest would go this smoothly. Instead, I began shouting. At Ric, or at the world, I didn't know.
"He's gone Ric, and there's nothing you or I can do to bring him back. But pretending like it never happened, that's not helping either. It's just pushing the memories back further and further, deeper into your subconscious, until one day when they'll all burst through again and you'll remember everything. He shouldn't be forgotten, and I don't wanna pretend like he never existed any more. I'm sick and tired of pretending Ric. I'm just so tired of it all." I finished.
I looked up to see his face crumbling, and I couldn't take it any more. I ran into our tent, and buried my face into a pillow, hoping it would soak up the tears I knew I was crying. They had threatened to spill for my entire speech, but I had tried to keep my composure. I couldn't do it in the end, just like I said. I was just so tired of everything. I just, wanted life to be back the way it was.
But it would never be the same again. Nothing could be the same.
Not now. Not ever.
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I stared after Cassie for a long time, letting her words sink in. I could feel tears running down my cheeks, as I realised her words had hit me deep in my heart. I didn't want to forget him either. I never wanted to forget. But sometimes it was too hard for me to remember.
Remembering brought up how painful the loss had been. How painful it would always be, losing the man who was like my father. But Cassie and I had never spoken about how much Flynn meant to the both of us. There was a mutual understanding that Sally and Flynn were the parents we had been deprived off during our childhood.
However while Cassie had her Nan for a large part of her life, my childhood had been largely influenced by an abusive father and a lost mother. I had never been part of a family until I moved into the house with Flynn and Sally. And I didn't ever want to be part of another family after knowing them.
I looked towards the tent that Cassie had rushed into what seemed like hours before. I should've gone after her straight away, but her truthful words had broken my heart once again. She had spoken her truth; she needed to be reminded that our time with him had been real. She needed to be reminded that we hadn't forgotten about Flynn, or how much he meant to our family.
She needed to know she wasn't alone in sometimes speaking to him, when things were going exceptionally good, or exceptionally bad. Or just when I needed to tell someone how much I really did love her.
I knew the conversation that would come about because of her outburst would be filled with anger and tears, unintentionally directed at each other because there was no one else to blame. Neither of us could escape that we were angry with one another because of everything that had changed in such a short period of time.
Hopefully in the end we would be able to move on, to talk about everything more openly and honestly. To talk about Flynn, and what he would say if he saw us fighting over something like this.
Hopefully, we'd be okay in the end.
But in a world full of variables, change was just another thing that could turn your world upside down in an instant.
Hopefully, the only change to come from this situation would be good change.
I sighed, walking towards the tent, hearing Cassie's muffled sobs. My heart broke again.
I hated causing her tears.
Hopefully, this would be the last time.
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I heard someone step into the tent. Knowing it could only be Ric, I kept my head down in my pillow, not wanting to look up into his face, for fear even more tears would come. I felt him come to sit beside me, his strong arms pulling me up from my laying position and into his lap. Slowly I lifted my eyes and made contact him his, before putting my arms around his neck and sobbing into his shoulder.
His arms moved around to pull me closer, his hands running up and down my back in a slow manner, soothing my tears till eventually I would only sniffle every now and then. We sat together like this for a long time, both comfortable knowing that each other was feeling the same sadness.
Finally I moved off his lap, turning myself to face him fully, not knowing whether I was prepared for the conversation that was about to follow. I had started it though, and now it needed to be finished.
He looked at the ground for a while, mulling over the words he was going to choose, for fear that he would hurt me in the process. I braced myself at this, whatever he was about to say was going to be tough, and I prayed that I would be strong enough to survive this.
That we would be strong enough to survive this.
"It's easier for you Cass. You had your parents, then your Nan. You've always had someone to love you, to care about you, to worry about you. And, even though you never deserved it, you've dealt with this grieving process before. You know how to handle it more than I do, your stronger than I am when it comes to this." He paused, looking up towards me.
"Flynn was the first person who had faith in me. He cared about me and how I turned out. He was like my dad. He was my dad. And in losing him, I can't just, move on and remember him every day. I'm hurting Cass, and when we don't speak about him, it kinda hurts less.
Believe me, I haven't forgotten all about him. I still remember how he would talk to me if something was going on, how he would come home from work and go straight to see Sal, to ask her about her day, then come to us and talk to us about anything and everything, as if it were all so important to him.
I still remember how he and Sal would look at one another when they thought we weren't looking, and I still remember thinking 'That's how I want to be with Cass. Always and forever.' I know how your feeling, but I just can't talk about him, I just can't." He finished, as I looked up to see him turning his head away from me, tears escaping from the corners of his eyes, before the roughly brushed them away.
This is wrong, I thought. If we all pretend like it never happened, Flynn won't be remembered as he was supposed to be. He won't be thought of as the man who loved his wife and child to death, who supported kids who weren't his own as much as he possibly could.
He won't be remembered as the brilliant man he should be. If anything, we should remember Flynn for Pippa, because she's the one who's never going to get to know him. We at least had some times with him. She'll only have photos, and maybe not even that.
I twisted around, and made a move for the opening of the tent. Speaking slowly and quietly, I said to Ric "He doesn't deserve to live on in memories that are being pushed away. He deserves to be acknowledged. He needs to be remembered Ric. Pippa deserves to be told all the amazing stories about her dad, and how happy her parents were once upon a time. You need to learn to be strong too Ric. Because I can't do this on my own."
A quick glance in his direction told me he wasn't going to meet my eyes, so I left the tent, walking as far away from this situation as possible. Walking away from him.
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I heard Cassie leave, but didn't dare go after her. We were stuck. It was too painful to remember, but almost as painful to forget. Death is a part of life, but even after months of preparing for Flynn, the shock of the aftermath was still there.
I didn't want to say goodbye to him, but now I was imagining how hard it must have been for him to say goodbye to those he loved the most.
He would never get to see his baby grow up. Never get to go and watch her in a dance concert or in a school play. Never get to sit down and help her with her homework, or talk to her about her problems.
He would never get to watch her have her first crush, nor stay up late worrying about her on her first date. Flynn would never get to walk Pippa down the isle, or share the joy of having grandchildren with Sal.
And Pippa would grow up without a father to share everything with. Flynn didn't have a choice but to say goodbye. So while I was caring about me and how I would go on without him, Flynn had been saying goodbye to us for the final time.
The irony was, while Flynn had made the most of his final months, living them to the fullest, we who had remained after his death had been walking around like the living dead, refusing to continue living like we used to.
And Flynn would've hated us for it.
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Walking back down to the lake, I could see Luke and Maddie laying on their towels laughing at something. Composing myself for the hundredth time in my short walk, I made my way over to them, hoping to appear natural and calm.
However the calculated look that appeared on Maddie's face when my eyes met hers showed me that I couldn't hide everything that had happened, not from her. She whispered something in Luke's ear and gave him a serious look, which he replied to by getting up and mumbling that he was going to see if everything was okay with Ric.
I really didn't pay much attention as he walked away, just counted to five in my head before I burst into tears once again. I felt her arms wrap around me and pull me into a hug. Feeling oddly comforted in a way, I knew that only Maddie would be able to support me in such a situation, because she was my best friend, and also because she was simply like that.
Standing in the same position for some time, I finally felt my weeping die down, so I pulled away from Maddie and gestured for us to lie back down on the towels. Staring towards the sky, as the sun faded in the distance, I breathed in and out slowly, gradually becoming calm once more.
I knew Maddie would wait patiently until I was ready to talk. We'd spent hours in the same situation over the past few months, her waiting patiently for me to talk, and me thankful that I had a friend who was always willing to listen, but today, it would take a lot of strength to get the words out. In my head, I knew exactly what I should say, but my heart wasn't as confident.
Finally, I shut my eyes, and let the words flow. "Ric wants to forget about Flynn. He says it's too hard to remember him, too painful to think about how he lost the first person that actually gave a damn about him.
He and Sal both act as if Flynn didn't exist. We don't even speak about him, and if one of us accidentally mentions his name, both he and Sally walk out of the room refusing to acknowledge anything about him.
The worst part is, I can't live like that. I need to talk about him, I need to remember him, because he was that damn important in my life, that forgetting just doesn't seem to be an option… not that it ever has been, but to Ric and Sal that seems to be the only way." I stopped, partly because my voice had become so shaky, and partly because I didn't know where to go from here.
Maddie sighed next to me, contemplating her answer, as she knew how critical her response would be. Finally, she rolled her head to the side, taking her eyes from the sky and looking at me.
Softly, she said, "It's going to be okay Cass. Right now it might not feel that way, but we'll work this out together." She paused, collecting her thoughts again.
"So you probably won't want to spend the night in a tent with Ric tonight because of everything that's happened so I'll talk to Luke, and get him to switch places with you.
Then we can raid their secret stash of chocolate and general sweet things, then talk about this more, because we'll have the comfort of chocolate." Maddie ended, smiling towards me. I smiled back though the fresh bout of tears that were forming.
If anything, during the last six months our friendship had grown much stronger, as we shared our most intimate secrets and dreams with one another.
"Sounds great." I said, standing up, grabbing Maddie's hands and pulling her up too. Gathering our stuff, we walked towards to campsite as the sun began to set behind us. I turned around, watching the pinks and purples meld into the shades of blues, breathing in the sent around me, feeling at home for the first time in a long while.
I took this feeling, and locked it away in the depths of my soul, somehow knowing I would need to remember it in the near future.
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As I watched the sun set in the distance, I saw Luke walking towards me with his sleeping bag and pillow in his arms.
"Welcome, to the bachelor pad of our dreams" I said sarcastically as he dumped his stuff inside the tent and came back outside to join me.
"Great to be here mate" Luke replied with as much sarcasm as I had greeted him with.
We sat in silence for a while, both lost in our thoughts no doubt. From the annoyed look on Lukes face, this arrangement the girls, no doubt, had come up with had ruined tonight for him, which was, from the looks of his and Maddie's make up this afternoon, was going to be rather special, for the both of them. I sighed, looking to the ground.
Apparently, my own relationship hadn't been the only one I had managed to stuff up in an afternoon.
"Sorry mate' I said finally, hoping Luke would accept my apology, 'I didn't mean to stuff tonight up for you. I know you'd much rather be sleeping next to a skinny, sandy-blonde haired girl that goes by the name of Maddie.
But until I can think of how to fix everything, you're stuck with a rather hot guy called Ric, who, by the way, had a brilliant body… wanna see?" I finished, playfully shoving
Luke, who responded by saying jokingly, "Ohh, you never know, maybe I prefer built men by the name of Ric", which caused us both to laugh for a while, before Luke grew serious again.
"Nah mate, its all good. Whatever your going through has got to be worse than delaying sex for a night or two. You've just got to fix this thing with Cassie, then everything will be okay again, and things will get back to normal. I hope."
I nodded thoughtfully. Fixing this thing with Cass would be harder than Luke ever imagined, I thought to myself. It would take some major sucking up and changing on my behalf, and I knew it was going to take a while for me to be ready.
I had to suck it up though; otherwise I would lose the most important person in my life.
Again.
Fate had had a cruel hand the first time. But this time, I was going to do everything in my power to stop it.
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AN#2: I just realised how slow the pace of this story is. Four chapters set around the same day. However hopefully now I've set up the tension for the two couples I can make the story move faster. As always, read and review please.