Chapter X: The Final Gamble - A Thousand Winter's Sorrow

She sat there, understanding yet not comprehending what her role was. Sitting so near yet so far from him, she knew that her work was done. She returned, to remind him, to be with him, and to relay to him that love still exists, if only he looked for it. Knowing that the final move was hers to make, though the decision that would seal their fate belonged to him, she still arrived. On wings of hope and a heart brimming with affection, this is her final act of love. If only he could feel it too.

Somehow, she knew he did.

How could he not know? How could he sit there, gazing at her with probing eyes and yet not see? How could he continue to act as though her being here was something not out of the norm? Like a stroll in the park, a swim in the sea. Something that belonged… Maybe because she did. Maybe because she was already accepted by him. But that was long ago. Do feelings, like artifacts, survive time and horrifying experiences to endure and persevere? Do they have the strength?

"And now, the last piece for today…"

She could hear him, but she might as well have not. For the words never registered, not when she was faced with the carvings of a thousand winter's sorrow. Taking in the sight of her own image by his hand, she wondered what kind of grief it would bring to him to witness its sight every time he touched it, what kind of sadness would pass his faces as he gazed into those features that resembled her so.

But what really shook her to the core was the angry slash that was evidence of his anger. This brought her a sense of desolation and helplessness. Seeing the tear he rendered to this effigy of her, she wondered if forgiveness and compassion had a place in his heart. Bringing her handkerchief to her eyes, she tried to stifle the sob that threatened to break out. She knew, yet she refused to acknowledge, the kind of heartbreak it took to create such a damage, and she knew, that forgiveness, was so far away at this moment.

"Enishi…"

She could not help but call his name out. She needed to hear him once more, to know that he was there, by her side. But those eight feet stood between them, and those eight feet were too far to cross. Not with the tear in the figurine, not with the pain in each carve.

"Kaoru- koishii…"

She could hear him, hear his voice, calling her from afar. A distant memory that she desperately wish would come true. This was her last chance to make things right, her last opportunity to bring back some semblance of peace and happiness into her life… if only she could take the giant leap of faith and bring him back into her arms.

But ifs do not exist.

"This last piece is different and especially exceptional. But before I go into that, let me explain what Three Steps into Yesterday really is about."

Jerking her head up to look into Enishi's eyes, she wondered at the vast gamut of emotions she found there. What did they mean? Why did they seem so familiar yet foreign?

"...But they all belong to love ultimately. Like the curator mentioned earlier on, these wood carvings were created during my earliest years as an artist, in high school. And it is to that lady who taught me love, that these carvings are of. That much is obvious, isn't it?"

Kaoru felt her eyes tearing up once more. She could not take it anymore. He was speaking to her, only her. These words belonged to no one else, and as he stared into her eyes, straight into her soul, she knew that she was lost to him forever. Those many years ago, she gave her heart to him, and even as she tried to break the bonds between them, too many experiences, too much emotions tied them together to ever allow either to be set free.

"But what makes this piece so different? Well, this is the only piece that went through the toughest times with me. This is the piece that bore the brunt of my emotions, and this flawed piece is the only one that bears the face of that lady. To which, its sentimental value is unsurpassed compared to the other pieces."

"Sentimental value…" she mused. "what is that worth?"

Who really knows? She wonders if it means that his affections has not waned. But she would not know. Is love a sentiment? Can it be valued? Can she believe in something that has already passed? And can she put her heart on the line again?

"The same time to love…"

Yet as he spoke, she wondered how she could have forgotten fate that has brought them together. She needed this as much as he did. Coming back to him, again and again, the same way he rejected her yesterday.

They were victims of the same assailant, never wanting to be released. Held hostage with their hands tied, they play a game with a set ending, one they would always fail at, yet they continue at it, their false strength giving them the perception that they can beat their master. But like playing in the casino, the house always wins.

And as such, their luck has run out.

"…is the same time that you need…"

Hearing his voice again, she wondered if he would dare to gamble again. This time, with something more than drunken promises and childish hopes. They would play the game the right way, and if they fail, at least they knew that the circumstances were right, and the only thing in their way, would be each other.

"…to weep and forget."

And so, she braced herself, knowing that whatever happens, she would be strong and carry on. This time, Kamiya Kaoru would play the game on her own terms, and win or lose, this would be her decision and her victory or failure.

"Enishi," she whispered. "You're wrong, just like you can never leave me, neither can I stand to be apart from you."(1)

Standing up, she felt the mettle of a thousand winter's sorrow build itself upon her shoulders, steeling her for what was to come along her way. Her last redemption, her last chance.

And she rose up to seize it.

"Unconditional love for the rest of your life!"

This time, she regretted nothing. Because she knew that love, the ultimate sacrifice, was a gamble, and come what may, at least she was fighting for it now.

Owari

A/N: I know, I know, lots of you are probably stark raving mad right now. If you want a happy ending, I'd advise imagining yourselves? Hehe, I'm so evil. Yeah. I was contemplating the ending, then I realized that no matter what I write, I would never be happy with it. This ending, is more of something that fits the story in my mind. It has the elements of despair and hope meshed together, something I believe truly embodies what the story embraces - realism. How would it end? Would there be a happy ending? I may decide to write an epilogue, a happy AND a sad one. But that would be when I can envision something befitting of this kind.

(1) This line refers to a flashback that can was shown on Chapter VI: Sex and Carvings

To all my reviewers:

Thank you so much for your unending support and encouragement throughout this time, it really means a lot to me, spurring me on to continue my works. If not for you, I'd never complete this story, that's for sure! Thank you for everything.

Thanks to Jerjonji, Firuze Khanume, MissBehavin, Wistful-Eyes, Dustyfall. They have followed me throughout this entire journey, giving me invaluable support and encouragement. I needed it then, as I always do in future. Thank you very much.

Many thanks also to Cherry Whisper, Shiroi Hikari, Mary-Ann, mystal, TenkunoMeiou, Virgo Sapphire, goldmund, pu, Monkeystarz and Tsuki-san. You all are my pillars and the reason I haven't despaired. My sanity owes you a great deal.

Haruko