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Seduction of Summer
Chapter Ten: Sorry seems to be the hardest word
"And all our sins come back to haunt us in the end
To hand around, tap us on the shoulder"
-Straylight Run, Mistakes We Knew We Were Making
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Sunlight filtering through my windows caused me to wake some hours later. I squinted my eyes, trying to tell if it was dusk or dawn, however when I tried to move, I realised that I was being held in a horizontal position by two very strong arms. Following the arms, I turned slowly, coming face to face with a sleeping Ric, looking peaceful while lost in his dreams.
Exhaling, I felt all fear and uncertainty leave my body, and I relaxed for a while, happy that I finally knew who had taken care of me during my time of need.
That was until I remembered once more, the night before, and everything that had happened.
Suddenly, I was stuck between two places at once. I wanted so badly to hurt Ric, just as he had hurt me the night before. I wanted him to suffer and feel the same pain I had felt when he had agreed to kiss Maddie, and when he had just sat there and looked at me, after everything had come out. He hadn't even bothered to run after me.
To check if I was okay.
To say sorry… to say anything at all.
Then, there was another part of me. The part that knew he was the one who looked after me so lovingly this morning. The part that knew deep down I would never find someone who cared about me like he did. Who was always there for me, someone who would rub my back and hold back my hair and sooth me to sleep when I was restless, waiting for dreams to come.
I wanted the Ric that had cared for me when my Nan had died, defended me when I came face to face with my Uncle, and who had been there for me during everything to do with Flynn.
But then again, everything had changed since Flynn hadn't it?
And Ric was a different person. Closed off against the world.
Closed off against me.
Sighing, I slowly and carefully moved his arms from around me, so I was able to move out from Ric's protective grasp. Sliding up from the bed, I reached for my summer dressing gown, throwing it around my shoulders before sitting down on a chair, putting my legs underneath me.
I sat thinking, about everything that had happened.
And everything that would happen now.
She was there, right in front of me. Her laughter was loud and captivating, I couldn't take my eyes off her. Running ahead, she kept looking back, her face was bright with a full smile. Knowing I could run faster than her, I sprinted a little, catching up to her, gently tackling her to the ground.
The soft sand beneath us broke any fall, although she knew I would never let anything hurt her again. Brushing a stray hair behind her ear, she smiled up at me, looking through those long eyelashes she knew I couldn't resist. She leaned up closer and closer, till our lips almost met, then she pushed me off her, standing up and laughing once more.
Groaning, I knew she was challenging me, so I stood up and lunged at her once more, scooping her up into my arms and twirling her around in a circle. Her dress spun around as she did, her hair became wild and loose, just the way I loved it on her.
The setting sun in the distance produced rays of sunlight that danced along her already sun kissed skin, and threaded themselves through her hair, and I found myself thinking I had never seen anything as beautiful in my life.
I didn't think I would ever see anything more beautiful either.
Suddenly we were dancing under the moonlit sky, with thousands of stars above us. I held her close, as she rested her head on my shoulder, our bodies intertwined with one another, and I wanted us to be forever like this. Dancing together, on top of the world.
Then everything seemed to fade into darkness, as I reached for her, but couldn't feel anything within my grasp.
Rolling over, I groaned when a) I couldn't feel anything being held in my arms and b) a splitting headache came on.
No more alcohol for me, not for a very long time.
I guess the slight haze around the images in my head hadn't given it away that I was dreaming about Cassie and myself, as I felt my heart break again.
Not that I had expected her to stay tucked in my arms if she woke before me. The fact that she had allowed me to care for her when I found her that morning throwing up into the toilet was enough.
Then again, she wasn't exactly conscious when I carried her to bed and shed her clothing off her. After I was certain she was asleep, I had crawled next to her, knowing this could very well be the last chance I had to simply sleep next to her body, to hold her in my arms.
Now as I looked towards her figure sitting in the chair in the corner, with her legs tucked under her, my dream was shattered once again.
Giving her a small, anxious smile, I finally met her eyes.
I know there's something in the wake of your smile
I get a notion from the look in your eyes, yeah
Looking at the smile Ric was giving me, I knew nothing could ever be the same. His smile didn't reach his eyes, which were old and tired looking, as if he had aged twenty years within the last six months. He looked tired of fighting, tired of remembering, or not remembering, and tired of life.
Maybe even tired of love. Of being in love with me.
Or maybe he was just tired of fighting with me. Just like I was tired with fighting with him. I wanted so badly for things to go back to how they were, when we first got together, how everything was always so good, and there were always butterflies.
Now all I got looking towards him was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
you've built a love but that love falls apart
your little piece of heaven turns too dark
"Cass,' he began, sitting up in the bed and turning towards me 'Last night, everything was a mistake. Nothing is turning out how it should these days, including what I say and do. Last night, I wanted to make everything up to you so much.
I wanted to apologise for acting like a dickhead while camping, and then ignoring everything for the last two weeks, but then you walked out and I was just, so amazed by you. You were beautiful last night Cass, you're always beautiful. But you went straight to Henry, and I let everything go to my head."
Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you
listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do
He paused here, looking for a reaction from me, but I could only look back at him, and see him and Maddie with their lips touching, or when they were sitting close whispering to one another, sharing glances and looks with one another. He wanted me to respond, to look at him with a sign of hope or love, or a small ounce of forgiveness, but I could only look deeper into my heart, into my memories.H
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye
"Maddie and I were only ever friends,' he continued, after realising I wasn't going to respond. 'She was there for me when I first came back, and we developed a friendship from there. Maybe at one stage, I could've imagined us together, but that thought was gone as soon as I saw you, coming out of the surf. You captured my heart in that moment Cass, and there has never been anyone else but you. There never will be anyone else but you" he finished softly, looking towards me.
Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
the precious moments are all lost in the tide, yeah
I sighed inwardly, thinking about everything that had happened. I had relived memories so much lately, thinking about the past, and how much everything had changed. Sometimes I wondered if life would've been easier if I hadn't met Ric, and fallen in love with him. Sometimes I wondered what life would've been like had I stayed in the city, with my old friends, whether I would've felt at home, or as if I was missing something, deep down, in the depths of my soul.
When I first saw Ric, I knew there wouldn't ever be anyone else. There couldn't be, not when he made me feel things I never thought I'd be able to feel. When he looked at me, I felt the world melt away around me, as if we were the only two people in the world. It was somewhat scary to being with, but then, it all became normal.
Nothing ever managed to stay normal for long though, not in my life.
And now I was just tired. We were both so tired of fighting for something that we obviously couldn't make work. Sometimes, you just needed to let go.
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems
the feeling of belonging to your dreams
Looking up to meet his eyes, I searched them for any sign of remorse, or feeling, or anything. I searched my own heart, delving deep down, trying to piece things back together, trying to figure out what I needed to say to fix this.
Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you
listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do
Until I realised, I didn't need to fix this. It needed to fix itself. Everything was out of my hands now, everything needed to be sorted out by someone with more power than Ric and I. Someone else needed to determine whether we were meant to be together, as we both had thought for such a long time.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye
I felt tears in the corner of my eye, and I knew this was going to be the hardest thing I had ever done, I just needed to find something within myself to know I was doing the right thing. Getting up, I walked over to Ric, and hugged him tightly. Feeling his arms pull me closer, I breathed in his scent, one that I would never forget. I loved the smell of him, it was a mix of everything that was him, and most of the time I could smell myself on there too.
And there are voices
that want to be heard
Pulling away after some time, I took his hand in mine, playing with his fingers. I knew deep down I was delaying the inevitable, but I couldn't help it. I loved everything about him, from his hands to his smile, to his little quirks to his own smell. He was my own, my love.
He had my heart, but had chipped it away countless times, so I didn't know how much there was left.
So much to mention
but you can't find the words
I felt his hands in my hair, as he pushed stray strands behind my ear, and held the side of my face with one hand. Placing my own on top of his, I closed my eyes and moved my head to the side, willing everything to go away, and for this moment to last forever, so I didn't have to deal any more.
So I wasn't so tired any more.
The scent of magic
the beauty that's been
When love was wilder than the wind
Being here like this, there were flashes of memories going through my mind at once, everything that had made Ric and I perfect. Tears were streaming down my cheeks now, as I felt myself giving into Ric and everything he always made me feel.
"Talk to me Cass." I heard Ric mumble, as he softly brushed tears off my cheeks.
Listen to your heart
when he's calling for you
listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do
Knowing there was nothing I could do, I opened my eyes and looked straight into his. Leaning down, I kissed his lips softly before pulling away. I could taste tears, but I no longer knew who they belonged to. Stepping backwards off the bed, I took several steps away from Ric before turning around to face him. My body shaking, I opened my mouth, trying to find the words.
"This… us…. It… it can't work any, any more. I' I sniffed, 'I love you. Please don't hate me. But I can't do this any more.' I cried between sobs. 'I'm… too… tired." I finished, before walking slowly, while sobs engulfed my body.
Pausing at the door, I heard Ric crying softly, as he said to me "I love you Cass. I'll wait for you. I promise"
Hearing this, I ran from the room, knowing I couldn't face him. Not now.
I don't know where you're going
and I don't know why
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye
Looking towards Maddie as she sat at the opposite end of the bath, I wondered how we had ended up here. Together in the smallest place possible, but so far away from one another. We had sat like this for five minutes now, and, to Maddie's credit, she had caught on to what I was doing. While I had been staring at the ceiling, I knew her eyes had been on me for the entire time. I always knew when she was watching me.
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
I tired to pinpoint the exact moment when everything had become weird between Maddie and myself, but I knew deep down nothing had really become weird until last night. It hadn't even become weird; rather, it had all started to unravel. I always thought that our love would be able to stand up to anything.
There were some things that love could not conquer in this world.
That was what I had found out last night.
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
"I know what you're doing Luke. But it's not working' I heard Maddie say softly from the other end of the tub. 'We both know that I'd have jumped you as soon as you came into the bathroom if last night hadn't happened. So you being in the bath with me, while it's making me want you more, it's also causing me to believe you had something to say. Something important. Possibly life changing." She finished, her voice faltering at the end.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
She was trying to stay strong. I knew her heart was breaking, just as mine was. But she had strength behind her words. I wouldn't meet her eyes, because if I did, I would be able to see the pain I was causing her by being so distant. Looking back over the relationship, I realised that this was a first for us. We'd been so happy until now, and we'd never cried, not because of one another.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
She needed to open up. Instead she was doing the strong act, waiting for everything to be over. I didn't want her to do that. If only she'd talk some more. She had started while she was in the bath, but I knew she was just vying for my attention, after she realised she was naked in the bath, and we had been planning on having sex last night and all.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
But this situation and everything that had come with it.
It called for more than a sexual attraction. We had depth at the beginning, a connection I thought would always be there. Looking into her eyes, she took me away from the bad places my life had been. Love was something I always wished for, but never thought I'd find.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
But there she was, the girl next door.
My life, and my love.
At least, that's what I had thought.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Finally, my eyes met her own. I saw reflected within them my own fears and uncertainty, and I knew that neither of us was sure of where this was going, and what would happen. This was new to both of us, who had never really had relationships with this intensity until now. Moving forward in the water, I reached for her hand, pulling her closer to me.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
She moved easily and quickly through the water, and we met within seconds. Exploring area's that had been foreign until now, I heard her gasp slowly as she realised that I too was naked. She smiled slightly and shut her eyes, as I moved towards her now, closing the small gap between us. Her smell was intoxicating; it was like I couldn't get enough of it. I couldn't get enough of her.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
My hands were on her hips, rubbing small circles under the water. Her hands were drawing lines up and down my chest. Our eyes were locked on each other, neither of us wanting to give in first, neither of us wanting to seem as if they were the weak one who gave into temptation first.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
Maddie was coming closer and closer, but I couldn't help but think of this being a small part of who we were together as a couple. While there was an attraction that I couldn't fathom, there was always something more between us. Maddie knew this too, despite the fact she only chose to see the animal attraction. The attraction that never failed us.
The attraction that had brought us together now.
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
Thinking back to last night, and how I had soothed Maddie into a sleep. I wondered whether she had known I was there. Known I had slept next to her that night, with her cradled in my arms. I couldn't have left her like I found her that night, weeping like a child who had lost her prized possession. No matter how much she had hurt me, I couldn't leave her alone.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
Looking into her eyes, I saw a lust that mirrored my own. I knew that if I didn't kiss her now, then I would explode. Closing the distance between our heads, I captured her own lips with a hungry kiss, letting all my feeling and emotions out.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
We were both terrified of everything. I could feel her trembling under the intensity of my kiss. Our faces were wet, with bath water or our own tears, I couldn't tell. But in that one kiss, I found all the answers I had been searching for the entire time we had been facing one another. Deepening the kiss, I didn't want to let go of Maddie. I couldn't bring myself to let go.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I needed Maddie like she needed me. There was something that had bound us together, so we couldn't go on without one another. I had felt my heart literally break when she had kissed Ric the night before, and yet here I was, in a bath kissing her like there was no tomorrow.
Reluctantly, I pulled away from Maddie, and got up from the bath, quickly grabbing a towel and tying it around my waist. She wouldn't have seen anything anyway. Her eyes were shut tightly, as if she were hoping to open them and find out it had all been a dream.
I guess she thought then her dreams wouldn't be shattered then.
And her heart would remain unbroken.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bare my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
"Maddie' I started slowly, "This just… its all… I can't…' I started, trying to find the right words.
She looked slowly up, meeting my eyes. I wasn't shocked to see delicate tears forming in her own, knowing that I too was about to cry.
'Everything is turning out so wrong. I love to so much Maddie, but if we had kept going, I don't know whether I would've been able to stop, and I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me, but I couldn't live with myself if I had taken away everything.
We just, need to not be us for a while Maddie. I just need to… to have… just be alone." I finished, looking into her face, her cheeks stained by tears that were streaming down her face.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
Through her tears, Maddie gave me a small smile, before speaking softly. "I'll always love you Luke."
Needing to leave, otherwise I'd be tempted to climb back in the bath and hold her forever, I turned quickly, leaving her alone in the bath, and leaving me alone in the world.
I'm so hollow baby, I'm so hollow
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow
Luke had left so quickly; with his own tears forming in the corners of his eyes, he didn't even hear me mutter a quiet "Goodbye".
How long would this goodbye last.
For now, or forever?
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one,
you have been the one for me.
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AN: This chapter was inspired by two of my favourite songs of the moment, 'Listen to your heart' by DHT and 'Goodbye My Lover' by James Blunt. If you haven't heard either, I recommend you get them, but I warn you, it's the slow version of Listen To Your Heart. Think of it as if the songs were playing in the background of the scenes.
Hate me or don't hate me, just review! Both very dramatic, and over the top, but isn't that how all-adolescent relationships are? And besides, how many adolescents that have gone through Summer Bay have been 'normal' anyway?
I hoped you liked the addition of the songs through the chapter too. I'll only happen this once though. Did I induce tears in anyone? That would be a bonus if I did… I think I would've cried if I hadn't hated myself so much for writing it.