What If Series Five: A New Strange Home...
The darkness of the sky has effaced the brightness of the stars as I looked at the imposing glass wall here on the twenty-fifth floor of this building. It looked like there were would be heavy rain coming tonight. The Russian Medical Institution has been so kind when we arrived here. It's just not me who was only invited to have this kind of privilege but there are a lot of doctors coming from the different countries who were needed for this kind of project. I mean, I heard a lot from the news... and it finally occurred to me, well, I had it took it seriously when I had the first thought of it, considering the impact of it in the society but not a just a moment ago, I find it very very serious since I thought about Kotomi.
Piles of papers were gathered in the clean wide table. The big wide LCD screen in the ceiling kept on flashing about what we had discussed earlier three hours ago. It has been a long meeting. And I had finished reading the folders on my desk and I admit, my head was turning crazy right now... having a rush flight was no fun. I need to take a break. I wonder what they are doing right now. They probably take out a lot of snacks at the desk of our living room and watched dramas... Kotoko gave less importance to Kotomi's education. And I could be so grateful that she's smart already... she can easily catch up anytime.
Dr. Tsubone approached me as I opened the laptop on my desk after stretching for a bit, he leaned in my side, confided with a sotto voce, "Dr. Irie... Dr. Makiato wants to talk to you outside. Important matters related to you." she said and I propped my wrists on the table, closing my laptop and nodded. I definitely need a break for now. My neck was turning stiff. "Okay. For a while." I answered and she just looked at me like she's saying something that would mean a lot to me. Dr. Tsubone left, sauntering in the busybodies of the doctors who were still working on. I wondered in the sound of busy paging papers in the front of the stage. Some of them are still in serious mode. I am definitely tired.
I need Kotoko on my side right now.
Oh. I need to make a call too. It's already eleven pm in Nippon right now. I have to remind myself of the time difference.
I took my phone out of my pocket.
And I turned it on.
My last message was before I left the hospital. I knew it already, she would send me a lot of messages... and probably, some of them have angry and mad context... saying that I did not inform about this to her beforehand. Well, I apologize to her for that.
Hey, Kotoko. I got promoted. They will send me out to Russia as the representative in Japan. I will call you later. I will be out for one week and I hope you understand it.
And I was bowled over... seeing the empty response of the chat, it marked a thunderstruck in me.
No reply.
I immediately called her number. It just keeps on ringing... ringing... ringing... croaking until the voice message came in, 'The number you dialed is cannot be reached... please try again later.'
Did she lose her phone again? I wondered.
I got out of the huge conference hall to make a call. I dialed her number twice but it just the same. Her phone was out of reach. Another beep again... and my battery is already dead. I felt something uneasy in my chest. I don't know what it is.
"Dr. Irie." Dr. Makiato swamped in my sight as I was thinking to look for a telephone. I turned my sight to him. I almost forgot that he wants to talk to me again. And I sighed... "Oh. There you are, Dr. Makiato. Can I borrow your phone a little bit? I cannot reach Kotoko's phone and I wondered if she lost it or not. It was so rare... hen na dakara sukoshi shimpai yo ano boku no okusan ga." I told him so that he can set aside that matter for a while.
"I didn't look at my phone since we departed and I'm sorry if I... have to say this to you now. I should've say this to you earlier if I only looked at my phone... but" his voice cracked... like he was walking in a thin crystal glass that he was supposed not to break it or else... "Your wife, Irie Kotoko, was in the emergency room of Houfu Hospital after being included in a big car collision at Nishimoto building."
And I was completely out of this world like it stunned me, I was on my feet but I felt like I was amputated for a while, I couldn't feel my knees standing. My whole world started to crumble after a long shocking vibration... Did I hear it right? Kotoko... my wife, Irie Kotoko was included in a big car collision at Nishimoto Building? Those words echoed throughout my mind and my heart has been stabbed all over and over again.
"Hontou desu ka? Are you really sure?" I tried to blink without the tears... because I wanted to make sure that I only heard it wrong... like this was the fruit after aimlessly reading and listening for hours and working in that project for too long... that I was only turning crazy...
"Yes. I'm sorry, Dr. Irie." his voice was so sad and he shook his head while I was here, still unbelievably electrocuted by that fact.
"Why they haven't contacted me if..." I mumbled in between of my crazy thoughts about Kotoko's life now. And I forgot... I turned off my phone for a long time. "No way... that's not going to happen to Kotoko." I said to myself.
She was fine earlier in the morning. I can still remember how fine she was in the morning. She can't go like that in that kind of rush. She's... powerful to permit that kind of tragedy to end her life in misery. No...
"I already readied the chopper in the rooftop before you came here. You need to go back right now. I will explain to the Russian about what happened, I'm sure they will understand." and he paused like he has something to say to me but he was hesitating... "And your daughter, Irie Kotomi, was..." and I cut him off.
"What happened to my daughter?" I told him... I don't want to hear that... I don't know... if I can take it. I have high speculations about it but... I wished... I was wrong. I was swallowing my fear back to my guts... and I hope he wouldn't say that. Please.
"She's dead."
My feet strode quickly when I got back to Tokyo. I was riding the rush flight with fear... thinking about my family... and the tragedy that has encountered them. Of why all people... three billion to be exact, it had happened to them? What wrong they have done in their lives? My daughter... my precious little daughter... Kotomi... no, she can't be dead.
I looked at everyone's faces. They looked so tired... tears dried out on their faces. They stared at me for a long time. And I don't know what to say... I'm bleeding... I'm bleeding... I'm badly hurt and my chest... won't explode... it just keeps on filling with agony and frustration. I don't know what to do now. I'm hopeless.
Yuki approached me, "Ni-chan. You are finally h-here." his voice was so low that I couldn't hear any of it. I glanced at Kinnosuke's face. And I thought to myself, I was really the last one to know about this and for goddamn sake! It's my family! And I didn't know that this was all happened while I was forcing myself studying... contributing to the research to go well... and my family, my wife, my daughter... I am losing all of them. Fuck.
I hold the anger to myself as I asked Yuki, "What's the condition of Kotoko right now?" I tried to sound calm but I can't.
Calm?! It's my wife in there! She was struggling for her own life alone! I was supposed to be by her side. I don't think being calm would adjust the situation because the situation itself was entirely difficult to sink into my system.
"Samuel Ni-chan was in-charged. He said that he took the risk already and if it repeats, it would be harder to revive Kotoko again. He just did it temporarily and that's the best thing he could do now. Kotoko was badly damaged... it was kind of miracle that her life was extended..."
And Kinnosuke came in, he pushed Yuki behind and faced me, angry was already in his face. And I understand why he's mad at me right now. Keita just looked at me... with hateful stares before he shifted his eyes on the emergency door again, wanting to yell at me too but he just let Kinnosuke do that job. "Why are you so hard to reach, Irie?! Why did you turn off your phone?! And why did you leave? Are you really crazy about your job that you can leave your family so easily like that?!" and he gripped my collar and had pinned me hard to the wall. "We tried so hard to reach you! But you seemed like you just don't care at all! And you are too late!" he added, eyes were already crying in mess and I wished I could cry that hard too because it is not easy to breathe like this... my chest was ten times more heavy I think... and it's not going to burst... it's just going to suffer me... and I know, it's my entire fault. It's my fault.
"And you have the gut to be calm like that! Like nothing happened to your family! I would like to tell you that you failed to protect them! Kotoko is in a critical condition right now and Mi-chan is dead! That ass working spirit man like you... driven you to lose the ones you loved the most!"
Those words... hit me so hard... like I just fell from the rooftop of the highest building of the world... and I couldn't say anything... like I was paralyzed by the extreme pain. The entire situation... the smile of my daughter... it all flashed in my mind. And it made me lose my strength to fight for myself... to live with hope.
"Don't tell me you're being like that because you don't know what to do?!" Kinnosuke yelled at me again, and he made the point. I don't know what to do anymore. "Fuck you, Irie! You should do something now! Something that will erase this part from all of us even that it is impossible! You are a tensai! You are a legendary tensai! You should have prepared something for this situation!" and he paused, tightened the grip on my collar, pushing me against the wall, I didn't feel any pain from it... "I don't believe in you anymore! You're actually an idiot!"
And I returned those intense gazes he had for me, I shouted 'till my lungs are out... 'till this heavy chest would burst out, "And that frustrates me more! They declared me a legendary genius! They send me out to Russia to help sick children and possibly cure them! And I couldn't even do that to my own family! I could only stand here... waiting... praying... wishing that this is all not true! That I must have been in a nightmare once again... and yeah you're right, I am actually an idiot!"
Kinnosuke shut his mouth and he loosened the tight grip on my collar.
"I am not trying to be calm... I'm just... I don't know what to do anymore."
Keita interrupted us... he pulled Kinnosuke away from me. "Stop that, you two! Blaming is not good for a situation we have here. And now's not the time. Please keep your cool even a little bit. This is a hospital for damn sake."
I nodded and clenched my fists. "Take me to where Kotomi is right now."
The way to the morgue has broken up my hopes. I followed Yuki quietly... hopefully wishing that is not all true, the all of the time, I've been only in my nightmare and it was just that, I couldn't wake up anytime sooner. There were nurses we met in the hallway and they nodded to me... I couldn't even say a word. I'm scared... terrified to see my precious little daughter lying unconsciously, dead... and cold in a hospital bed. Back then I always thought that there were lots of lives are dying every day and now, I couldn't believe that I am facing that right now... that it was family... that it was my family's turn. I have so many plans with them... this... this... everything that had happened right now, I didn't expect this. I didn't know... I didn't know...
Yuki opened the door for me, "She's here, Ni-chan." he told me, "I'm sorry, If I had been there I would do everything I can to save here for the meantime but..." I stopped him from saying those words. I don't want to hear it from him, "No, Yuki... it's not your fault." I told him, still eyes cast down on the floor. I gave him a tap on his shoulder, "If there would be anyone to blame, it's me." and I mean it. Yuki said again, "No, Ni-chan. It's not your fault. Don't blame yourself. It was the drunken driver's fault. He missed the road. Kotoko and Mi-chan crossed the street safely but that driver has hit the taxi pretty hard that it had wiped off the people in the streets. It is not your fault."
"No. If I had only chosen to be with them than my work, I could be able to save them from all of this. It's my fault. I left them alone... I neglect them. I didn't do anything for them. I'm such a coward. I hate myself."
"Ni-chan..." Yuki tried to console me.
"This is right, Yuki. Please... leave me alone. I want to be alone with Mi-chan for a while." I mumbled.
He nodded. "Okay. I will wait outside the operation room." He plainly said and walked out of the room quietly. The room feels so small when he left me alone and I thought that I'd more comfortable being here because being a doctor suit me fine but knowing that it was my daughter... over there... I had rather hate my profession.
I quickly uncovered the white blanket swathed around her body. My daughter hasn't grown so well. I remember she wanted to be as tall as me when she grew up and it hurts to see her... lying coldly on that bed. Her dreams shattered before her. I grabbed the seat and sit beside her. My tears finally rolled in my cheek as I saw her there, looking so pale and lifeless... with remnants of the blood on her pink dress. I finally break down at the sight of her.
Kotomi... my precious lovely daughter... I can't believe that she was really dead. I cried silently as I reached out her small hand. And I remember, this had always been the hand that would hold me on the way home... that would always remind me that she's happy... and very contented. I kissed her hand... I put in on my cheeks as I murmured in between in my sobs, "Please... wake up." I wished.
I want her to wake up and said, 'Papa... your reaction was wrong. You can't cry like that.' but I waited for more than seconds... Kotomi... Kotomi didn't move, her lips were in a tight shut and her eyelashes never flickered. Her body lost its color. She already has eaten by the black and white I always fear... and she won't talk to me anymore.
My precious lovely daughter who had just made her friend the other day, who loves Science and other stuff... who wants to be loved by the world... has died.
"Kotomi, I'm sorry. This is all Papa's fault." I said while holding her hand. I caressed her face, wanting to see her smile for one last time. Even just once, I want to remember her smiling...
There was a discreet knocking on the door. I turned to it and wiped my tears, it was in-charge of this ward. "I'm sorry to disturb you but... are you the real guardian of Irie Kotomi?" she went inside with her clipboards on, "I just want to fill up the details of her burial... the body needs to be cleaned after the autopsy results." she handed me the clipboard she gave me a pen too. "I will hand this to you once I'm done," I told her. And she just nodded, "Okay. Just hand it to the room across the pharmaceuticals. I'll be there." and she turned her back. I called her once again, "Can you tell me the time of her death?" I asked hesitatingly.
"She was declared dead in the twelve twenty-two in the afternoon."
That's the time when I saw her at the park when I arrived at the medical institution in Russia. The time when she said that to me that...
'I will miss you two, Papa. Please take care of Mama... for me.'
Mom told me to go home and rest when I happened to collapse while helping the police to investigate the matter. The drunken driver was still missing and I will make sure that he will rot in jail and will pay for the crime that he did to my family. I was in the middle of an investigation and I had thought of the location he would probably be right now after looking through the CCTV footage all over again.
Dad agreed on Mom, "Naoki, you have to rest for now. You just got from the rush flight and I know hearing everything tired you out. At least get some sleep. I would be listening to the investigation for your sake, just go home. There are a lot of matters to be taken tomorrow and the day after next so you need to be on your feet and be strong." he advised me.
I leaned against the wall when my headache struck me again. I am so dizzy at the moment. "I can't rest... I don't deserve to rest while my wife's out here, fighting for her life." I told them. Keita tapped my shoulder, "Hey, don't be so stubborn. I could tell that you are not on your proper shape for now so please listen to your mother for goodness sake. It's one am in the morning and all of us are tired... we have so many things to do tomorrow so we must be prepared. Go home, Dr. Irie. Go home and bring Kotoko's things tomorrow."
I got out of the hospital and forced to think... I need to be strong in the meantime. For Kotoko... to fulfill Kotomi's promise.
I opened the door and the dark part of the room welcomed me. I turned on the lights... and I saw that the living room was still in mess. Yesterday in the morning, Kotoko was finding her phone and it turned to be broken. I could simply recall what we had there... it was such a happy memory... we were both laughing like there's no tomorrow and now, I can't believe that... I would no longer have mornings like that to come to my life anymore. I would never have pointless fights with her...I would never have serious talks with Kotomi. I had never been a good father to her... I haven't done anything for them.
I stayed at the front door. I don't have the courage to come... it fucking hurts to know that this lively house had turned out to be a new strange home to me.