What If Series Six: When Did You Fall Out Of Love With Me?

I was literally out of my mind while my heartbeats were going into a crazy pattern. I couldn't sleep well when I got home last night. All I did was to stare at the ceiling while my tears were finding their way down to roll on my cheeks. I can't believe it, that in just a blink of an eye... after the moment of happiness, someone had taken them away from me. Someone did. And I didn't have even a single chance to protect them when in fact, I was the fucking last one to know... I can't accept that my precious lovely daughter... has died before me. And I know I have to be strong to withstand all this shit but it just fucking hurts... every remaining second of my life fucking hurts... I totally forgot my pace... as my career and passion... all I know is I am nobody. I changed into a nobody after I know what happened to them. The quiet place always reminds me of happy giggles I used to have in every corner of this house. I can remember them everywhere, their smell, the fruity cologne of the dress of my daughter had made me think that she's still alive... and I tried to act sane... to keep myself in it.

I know I must be hallucinating all over again... seeing them look fine in the kitchen counters, in the desk... in the living room. I want to believe it's true... but if I can't accept it... then I am not strong enough. My daughter... wanted me to be strong for her mom. And it's hard for me to do that... I don't even know where I can start... and maybe, I will start it from blaming myself... blaming myself for not treasuring them much. Blaming myself for not doing all I can when in fact I was very capable to be with them and I just chose not to... I chose my job over for them... then what I am now? Who I am now? This is not the Irie Naoki that I know from before... I don't know anymore.

"Kotoko is still far from waking up." Samuel sat beside me on the bench. "She's still in the critical condition," he added and I just crossed my fingers and hope for some miracle to come. Please... help her this time again. I was asking for some hope from above because I desperately need it now. I nodded at his information and I tried to understand it even if there are thousands of questions that have already crossed in my mind.

Why does it have to be them? Why does it have to kill my daughter? Why does it have to put Kotoko in that kind of condition? What wrong they have done to deserve it like this?

"I'm sorry about Kotomi. I didn't save her," he told me. "Among them, she was the one who was badly hurt after the accident. She was found under the car, already bleeding... already had her head crushed. It just a moment left to bring her into the hospital but... she didn't make it. I'm sorry, Naoki Ni-chan." he sincerely told me.

"It was my fault," I told him... I crossed my fingers, still overlooking the blame that I put onto myself. I really did become a doctor... and I couldn't even hasten my pace in times of their emergency.

"What about her funeral? Have you already set up a date?"

I nodded again, "It will be happening on Sunday."

"Ah. I'll go and see her." and he got something from the pocket of his coat, "Ah. I found it inside her small bag. It's a paper." he gave it to me. "I think you deserve to keep that for her." he stood up and I can't dare to open it now... thinking that I will go and act insane again... repeating what I did in those previous nights. "Thanks." it was almost a whisper but actually I was bound to break down, this familiar scent of paper and shade of crayons slowly breaking my heart because it was indeed a part of my daughter.

"And you can come to the emergency room if you want. You can see Kotoko. I believe you are strong to see her lying so cold like that... but perhaps, you have the right. But it really depends on you, I understand your situation." he told me and tapped my shoulders, "You have to be strong, Ni-chan. You still have Kotoko. She definitely needs you when she recovers."

I slowly opened that crumpled paper and it has a drawing of three stickmen... picturing out the Irie Family. It's us. She drew us. She drew us... and even put a caption below, 'I love Mama and Papa Forever.'

I covered my face with my hands. I can't take it anymore. I was fucking bleeding. I already missed her... I missed my Kotomi. And I can't believe that I'll be soon seeing her slowly burying her body to the ground. That she left us. I have never been a good father yet... I still haven't shown her the world.

"I think it's easy for you to understand this kind of stuff since you are a doctor at Tonan hospital, Dr. Irie. It just happened that they were brought here in Houfu hospital." The acting director invited me for a private talk about Kotoko's condition and I got in the right time that he had provided in the call. "You were the most promising doctor there and your name has reached to our ears. I salute to you." but those words didn't make me happy, it's just reminded me how useless I am as a husband and a father. Being a promising doctor doesn't ring a bell to me when in fact, I couldn't even use that to bring my daughter back to life.

"I want to hear her conditions now, Dr. Satayama." I immediately pointed out the topic. I didn't come here to be reminded again how weak I am. I need to be strong in the meantime. For Kotoko... for Kotomi.

"As you can see when you last visited her, she was badly hurt in her head. She was badly jolted up in the car accident and the collision alone had caused a terrible brain injury that in any minute from now, could take her life away. I'm glad that Dr. Senjou Samuel had successfully operated her and if not, she would be declared dead on arrival. The first aid precaution was good and excellent that alone had helped her to hold onto the thin chances of hope of survival. But right now, I'm glad that she's going to be stable soon... if and only if there's no harm that can happen. We still have to pray."

"And because of that, she will be having to undergo in a series of periods of unconsciousness... we don't know when she would wake up. She may be waking up after a year... or after a week, we don't know. But I'm hoping it will be soon so that she can recover quickly." and then he pauses to take a breath while I'm listening closely enough, considering the idea of her recovery, "And it due to the damage that she took in the accident, the injuries can range from mild concussions to severe permanent damage since she was the product of the head-on collision happened at Nishimoto building, her case was put in the severe concussions. If she survived this kind of situation, it has a high chance that she'll have lasting effects in her physical and mental abilities as well as emotions and personality or she will have series of rehabilitation to recover and to relearn the skills."

"I understand..." I said when in fact, it was all too much for Kotoko. She doesn't deserve this.

After being in a meeting with Dr. Satayama, I had the urge to see her with a condition like that. My heart had stopped beating... the other part of my mind was on the idea of Kotomi's funeral. But I have to be strong now... she needs to recover fast... and I should be able to face the truth that she has to stay asleep against all of this. I slowly opened the door and the sound of beep of the machine... had made my knees get weak. I took a huge sigh, already stopping my tears from falling. I quietly push the white curtains around her bed and there... the pale face of my wife had forced into my blurry sight. I can't help but cry... and these tears have its mind to fall when I tried to act strong.

I am not used to watching her lying so stiff on the hospital bed. She can't keep up with that kind of straight face. She is the kind of person to smile while sleeping... and now, I had so many stabs inside my heart when I saw the red color on her cheeks wasn't there anymore.

I took her hand and wrapped it with mine. I held it against on my cheek. Fuck, I miss her. I miss her so much that the only thing I could do it to see her wherever she might be now. But no... I will wait for her. I will make sure that I will always be with her... I will never leave her again... I won't.

"I will wait for you so please... wake up at any time sooner." I kissed her cold hands.

The background music had made me come into deep thinking again. While my mother was giving her eulogy to everyone, I can't accept that this is the last time I'm going to see my daughter's face in real again... the roses had been piled up around her coffin, and I remembered that she used to pick flowers in the backyard to put it in a vase but now... seemed like those flowers were picked to throw it on her coffin, while we're burying her to the ground.

Mom came down the stage after her short eulogy. She didn't finish it because she was crying loud enough and she needs dad's shoulder to lean on again. It was my turn... and I hadn't been aware of what was I gonna say in front of the people who came here. I walked up on the stage, already had the mic around my hands. They looked up to me while I was trying to avoid their stares... it hurts to see in their eyes the truth and the confirmation that I might be never going to see my daughter once again... that this might be the last goodbye.

"Good day to everyone who came here," I said in a cold voice. I managed to sound like it was fine... that my voice wasn't going to crack. "I know all of you can't believe that my daughter, Irie Kotomi died on May 24. She was such a lovely daughter to me... and it hurts for me to admit that the one who always brightens my morning will be the one to turn the dark out of it. She will be my favorite gift that was sent from above and even now she's gone... I will still treasure her inside my heart. She will be the same Kotomi who always looked up to me... who always want my attention only to her... my daughter... who always hold my hand on the way home." and a small tear came out of my eyes and I can't stop to wipe it off, I bow down over the stand, gritting my teeth when I can't make myself stop from crying. "That's all." I ended it so quickly and left the stage.

I stayed back after the crowd slowly went to their home. I sat on the ground, a rose in my hand. I still can't accept it. I still can't leave her alone. She was just buried... "Kotomi... must have been lonely." and even if the sun rose again on the east, I will still be here with her. I can't leave my five-year-old daughter here. I can't...

"Ni-chan, it's getting late. Aren't you planning to get back?" Yuki approached me when I was in the middle of spacing out while looking at how the letters on the grave perfectly carved. Irie Kotomi, it says... born on October 4... died on May 24.

"I want to stay with her a little bit longer."

"But you've been here for almost ten hours. At least you should get some sleep."

"Yuki." I called him, "You don't understand."

"I understand, Ni-chan. I perfectly understand your pain of losing your daughter. I have felt it too... and now looking at you being like that..." he stopped in the middle when I look up at him, "Please... get up. If you keep on being like that, Kotomi might not like it."

Kotomi might not like it.

I dashed at the desk when I got back to my room. The awards and trophies are perfectly displayed on the shelf and for the first time of my life... I hate it. I hate it to the fact that I almost want it to get out of my sight. I immediately wiped all of them until they were down on the floor crashing... I screamed so hard for the pain that it almost suffocated me. I can't breathe... I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know... I feel so fucking useless that I let my daughter there alone and I don't even know where she is now.

My mom opened the door, eyes were directly looking into me. I was sitting against the chest and I was crying with my lungs out. "Ni-chan!" she quickly went to my side, "Don't do that..." she said and wrapped her arms around me, "Don't be so violent." she hushed and for the first time, I didn't know that her comfort had calmed me down. "Mom... wakanaiyo. Wakanai desu. It's my entire fault. It's my... I let them there alone..."

And for that night, I cried in my mother's arms.

Three months have passed. I stopped working at Tonan hospital. I don't know if I can save a life again when in fact, I failed to save the life who is one of the most important persons in my life. Dr. Makiato always tried to make me change my mind... but he always failed. I was serious about quitting as a doctor.

And now, I was visiting Kinnosuke's restaurant to have some time to think alone, not to reconsider things but to think about the worst fears... that I don't know if I can still take it if there's still more.

"Are you sure you are not going to wear a doctor's coat again?" Kinnosuke have asked when he was making my dish at the counter. I answered him, "After all that has happened, I don't know if I can save a life again," I honestly told him, "I'm sorry if I blame you a little but... it's not clearly your fault. You gave your best in finding that drunken driver and you made sure to put him in jail." he continued, "You can't stay being like that, coming here every night to booze. That's not going to help you move on."

He made a point in there and I've always found him amazing... he can say things like that... he can realize things like that... and I understand it but I can't put that in my mind... now that I already have lost something so important to me.

"How's Kotoko? I haven't visited the hospital for three days. Chris was having a fever the other day and no one can manage this restaurant but me." he finally put the dish in front of me.

That's what I am here for.

"Jitsu wa..." I started, "I talked to her doctor once again." I gulped... longing down on my feet, to assess my thoughts... and to subside the pain temporarily. And he added, "Hey, why don't you be her doctor instead? You are still a tensai... you can help Kotoko. She's your wife." he told me. and I said softly, "I can't." and he wavered for a second, eyes still blinking, "What? Don't you want her to wake up and come back? What's gotten to you, Irie?! Please stop being a coward. I know your cousin is quite remarkable. But didn't you just become a doctor for her sake? You still can't give up. You still have Kotoko. You can still save her... at least you still have a chance. You can say that you failed to save your daughter and you're owning the entire situation as your fault of leaving them alone, for choosing your work over them but... you can't stay like that... have that kind of mental thinking that you don't have a chance to save her when in fact... you still can. I believe in you. I didn't let Kotoko be taken away from you if I don't."

I tried to put that in my mind... he was right. Kinnosuke was right... and I was a real coward, a coward to let myself to hold back. Mostly, I don't understand what I am scared of, and what's the point of my hiding in the shadows.

"I know there was a high chance that she will have retrograde amnesia due to that traumatic brain injury."

And he halted from doing anything, "What? Retro... retrograde? What the hell is that?"

"If she will have it, she can't remember her name, things that have happened before the collision, and even me..."

"Huh? Was that disease is kind of serious? Or are you only talking nonsense."

I put the cup for a while, finding the right words to explain it to him without even insulting him, "She'll have her amnesia and I'm afraid that if she ever wakes up now, she would forget about me. I don't want to lose her either... that's why I am overthinking things out if I can still live my life through it..." and I crossed my arms in a businesslike manner as I stared at my situation. "If she can't remember her memories with me, it feels like I kind of lost her too, and that I failed again. And if she ever wakes up, I don't know how I can start to tell her the story of our daughter who died of my carelessness... I know it's my fault but it hurts to see her eyes, blaming me for the sins that now, I am trying to repent. I don't deserve forgiveness but..." I stopped when a sharp pain has struck me out again, leaving me speechless to the new kind of excruciating sensation. Kinnosuke nodded and I'm glad he quite understands my point when in fact, I have troubles of reaching it to him. He put his hands on my shoulders, he squeezed it like he was giving me his hope, "If she will going to lose her memory with you... you can't give up. She didn't put you in her mind, for the years that she had been chasing you... she already put you inside her heart. The mind forgets but the heart remembers. Always remember that and keep strong, Irie. This is not yet the end of the world, there is always been tomorrow. I know you can pass this goddamn challenge."

Five months have passed.

I was holding her hand all night long. For the months of being unemployed, I stayed at the hospital watching her, praying that she will wake up at any time sooner... that I will be able to hear she say, 'Irie-kun.' I already miss her voice, her laugh, and the way she daydreams about some ridiculous things.

"Haven't you notice that you are sleeping for too long? Please wake up." and I kissed her hand, my eyes never left her face. "I don't want to lose you... please, Kotoko." I softly whispered and I can't let tears escape from my eyes again, not that I decided to be strong for her.

I waited for seconds... I wanted her to come back... until she slowly opened her eyes, turning to slit. Her lips moved in accordance with her shaking hands.

I want to call her name... but seeing that there are strange colors of her life, something had held me back. The vibrant gleam that I loved wasn't there... what happened? Despite my ravaging thoughts, I managed to ring the bell, calling out her doctor. I stood behind... watching her from afar, thinking about the worst things again, telling myself to be strong all over again, that I already predicted the outcome.

Samuel attended to her and let him do that. He took my wife's hand and held it instead. "You're finally awake," he said. Kotoko's looked at him with her strange eyes, "Why I am here?" she asked in her shaky voice, Samuel sighed... thinking how to answer her question while considering her brain injury, "You have been sleeping for months... due to a serious car accident." and Kotoko repeated it, "C-car accident?" she repeated, "Hai, you're in the hospital to be better," he continued. "Ja, who are you?" she asked, and her voice was reluctant, "I am your doctor, you can trust me," he said. "You're my doctor..." she murmured and then moved her head to the side, "Anyway, you can tell me anything. I know it's been hard for you but I'm here to listen to it. I wanted you to recover fast..." he added.

Kotoko's eyes strangely look at me, she nodded before settling another question, "Ja, who is this man over there?"

I am Irie Naoki, the one you pursued for years, your husband.

I wanted to tell her the truth but Samuel's voice passed through my mind saying to take easy on her that she can't be confused when the time comes... that she can only process tiny bits of information day by day.

"She is your friend and a doctor in Tonan who can also help you. You can trust us." Samuel was the one who answered her while I was preparing how to construct my sentences. I clenched my fists, hatred gushed through me when I realized, why do I have to hide that I am her husband? That we are legally married for years.

She nodded and I know she was just trying to adjust in the situation. Something was holding me up, I have to be considerate... she just woke up, that means all there's left to do is help her remembering everything she can... and telling her what happened during that car accident.