What If Series Eight: Forget You
Have you ever wake up and something's got to find you the reasons why you woke up?
When my eyes turn to slit... I flickered them each time until the light above reached me. Like there's nothing in my mind... like everything so damn new to me and I couldn't even find the answers while looking at my hands. I kept my silence... for I was really in trouble of finding out for myself. I'm feeling so stiff each time I unconsciously move my fingers. I tried to open my mouth but there are no words that could make a sound of it. I guess... I guess... well, maybe, I don't belong here. That I might be just somebody who was supposed to be not here but looks, here I am. My eyesight wasn't perfectly stationed... but as I wait, the signs were so clear to me. I don't know what gotten here... it made me so confused. I looked at the guy who was constantly holding my hand... and somehow, I gazed up to his eyes and was hoping maybe that I could punch out of answers by looking at him. But all of it was mysterious. He let go of my hand and he stepped back... and I saw a ghost of his smile playing back to this kind of odd situation and... and I want to ask it over... about all the things that came up to me. I don't understand it. I don't. But the way he let go of my hand, I knew from something deep within me, it means so much to me.
Somehow, all of it was vague and not clear for me to understand. The flash opening of the door and the noises that happened to occur near me had created certain pains in my head which I can't even understand even more. The words crumbled up from above my head and all of them fell at one place when the man in the white coat said to me, "You're finally awake," I ridiculously crooked my brows and I found it was pretty serious. And what? "W-why I am here?" finally after a long moment of contemplating... I guess, I found the right words to react to this first-time scenario. He took a long sigh and I was as furious as I watched his lips doubtfully drawling the words I wanted to hear, "You have been sleeping for months... due to a serious car accident..." he said and all of it lingered in my ears. And I said to myself... a car accident? And honestly, I thought to myself when did I ever have a car accident? I don't remember being hit by a car or what... and then... along with the series of questions, I need to ask him. I looked at the guy beside us who was watching as closely as he could, and somehow... after realizing a few moments... I asked in my mind, what am I doing here? And who I am by the way? "C-car accident?" I mumbled in my most confused state, "Hai, you're in the hospital to be better," he added my kind of frustration. "Ja, who are you?" I wanted to hear that answer if it rings a kind of bell to me. "I am your doctor, you can trust me..." the only thing he answered. And the bomb exploded as I stared at the white walls all around me and the wires and cables all over on my body and the monitoring machine that's constantly beeping... and I... I don't know how to react to this kind of situation I am in when in fact, I really don't understand how did I get into this... "Anyway, you can tell me anything. I know it's been hard for you but I'm here to listen to it. I wanted you to recover fast..." he continued and caressed my hand in a gentle stroke which didn't make me feel any better. Well, I'm almost about to throw pillows up because of this kind of pain that I couldn't even find the words to describe.
And I figured out that I kind of lost my memory... but I knew... some fragments have still in me. I just have to carefully look at it. But why? Why did that man over there let go of my hand?
"Your name is Irie Kotoko." the doctor came in to do my memory exercise. I counted the days I spent in the hospital since the time that I woke up and it's my third day. "Okay, let's try again," he said and straightened up his position. I deeply breathed, "Okay." I was about to ready to go. "Do you remember anything?" he asked that question for the third time today. I paused, trying to think clearly... trying to know what's hidden behind those questions. I must figure it out on my own. "I still don't," I answered quickly. "You have to think about it so deeply... you don't have to answer so quickly. Think about it before you got here. I know there's still something left that you could maybe work it out." and then I closed my eyes once again... the jet dark of black appeared as I was trying to figure out the things I wanted to know. I want to picture out some images... even if it's distorted... I just need some captured faces that I must start with... but there's still no. "I don't have anything... I don't know how to say but..." I tried to explain things out. "It's okay. You are not ready to hear things out. Look, what's your name again?" he asked that question for the second time. "Irie Koto...ko? I supposed you said that is my name." and I tilted my head for a while, "Is that really me?" I asked bluntly. "Yes, of course, it is you. Do you have something left that made you say that?" he put his pen down and looked into my eyes, "I really don't think so that is me." I admitted. "I mean, that doesn't sound like it is me. I don't have a feeling to have had that name." and he slipped out a picture in his clipboard and showed it to me, "This is you. Do you remember wearing this nurse uniform? And let me say, you are a nurse before you got into an accident." he added. I took the picture and watched it closely. I also took the mini mirror beneath my pillow and had a look into my face. And I don't know anymore. "This is me. But I really don't remember anything. I really don't know how to react on this... and the fact that I am a nurse." and he pulled my hands and held it firmly, "Look, I really have tons of information to say to you but I really can't disclose it all. You need to think about it for yourself. You need to work it out. You need to work hard. I know this might be so hard for you but you need to cope up with anything you missed. You can't go on empty-handed. You must at least remember."
"Well, I know a kind of feeling ever since I woke up. I hate when that man beside me let go of my hand. I don't know... I know he's a friend but... I just don't like it. Could I start with that? Do you know that he's kind of related to me that he might actually trigger the memories and flood it into my brain?"
"But before that... let me ask you one more thing... what do you feel about him? I know it's maybe your first time to remember him but the truth is, it isn't. So..."
I paused for a while and when I have thought it for a second, I looked back at him and told him honestly, from all that I know... I know it's hard but... I trust my feelings. "I definitely hate that man. I don't want to see him anymore... when he gets here... bringing flowers to me... asking me if how I am... I don't know... but..." I gripped my hands against the blanket, "I mean, did he do a serious crime to me? I mean... there's a certain part of me that makes me feel that." and headache strikes again... I was shaking when I held my head for a while. Everything starts spinning again. "Okay... I guess let's just rest for a while but when you do have certain fragments of memories... please write it so that you'll have something to trace back when you want to think about what happened," he said and put a piece of notebook and pen on my desk. "You should start to learn how to walk properly. You need to exercise your muscles. Your body must have been so stiff after sleeping for months." he said.
After long weeks of spending my time recovering in the hospital, I've decided to give it a shot. After I've been in a long series of therapy, I started to encounter strange fragments from my memories. I remember a little girl, in my dream, she was happy to hold my hand on the way home. She always looked up to me and smiled like she's saying that she'll always be there with me. But upon remembering those moments, my heart was well broken up... like those things in my dream were real. The pain from deep within my heart is proof that I must figure it out or... I may completely misunderstand my purpose of having a second life.
"Hey, Kotoko-chan." Nurse Jane came into the room to check up on me again. I stopped practicing writing. I turned to her... ready to answer some of her questions regarding the progress of my recovery.
"Nurse Jane, good morning." I greeted her and put down my things for a while.
"You're looking good, Kotoko-chan. Day by day you look fine," she said and started to replace my IV drip. I just followed her with my eyes, still curious. I cleared my throat before I start talking. "Dr. Senjou Samuel told me that I am a nurse... but I don't know maybe not anymore. Will never be." I told her. I stared at my hands... wondering if I really aided some people before I got into an accident. I can't help if I can't remember it. She looked at me for a while before she continued what she was doing. "Really?" she sounded surprised. "You must be a good nurse then, Kotoko-chan. But don't lose hope, someday you'll get over this stuff. This is just a mere challenge and I know you can start over without necessary to remember your memories. What I am trying to tell you is... you can be a nurse again... go take another nursing course. And that is... if you really want to go back being a nurse but for me, you can just start over from scratch. Don't pressure yourself to remember... in your condition, I must say... you have to think for yourself for a while. Do not worry about people who will look sad if you can't remember them. This time, you have to love yourself and to be selfish a little more."
And while listening to her, there's something that made me realize... and that is the right to do. I woke up completely alone... I don't have someone to share my memories... I completely barefooted in waking up... and I'm back at square one.
"Hey, are you okay?" she said and sat in front of me. She pulled my hands... "I don't want you to feel sad about not remembering. I've seen enough of your hard work... and even if I have never been on your shoes, but I kind of felt your pain and struggles. I can't imagine how you are feeling right now. You must be in a lot of pain." she gave me a gentle tap on my hands as she smiled sweetly. "Thank you for saying that. You don't know that it helps a lot in my situation." I said.
"I'm your nurse, you can trust me," she added and she giggled. "You know I really can't trust anyone right now... and I just want to feel secured... so I shut myself off from anyone who visits here... I really don't know what to say but... I just can't listen and believe in them. I need proofs but my memories were long gone... how should I suppose to remember them? They don't understand how confused I am in trying to put my memories back in my head. I'm definitely trying..." and I shook my head... played my fingers as the tears were trickling down my face.
She put her hands on both of my cheeks and hushed me. "You can't cry. Listen, all you have to do is to be strong. You can survive this, okay? You have to believe in that. You woke up in a twenty-five percent of surviving... it means that there are lots of things you can do in your life in a given amount of time. You can't give up. You have to put that in your mind. If it means it's hard to start over alone from scratch, you have to do it. It doesn't mean you can't remember, you have no right to live your life." and she pulled me for a hug. It was tighter as I cry on her shoulder. I cried hard for it is a lot for me to do. I don't believe that I am going to get this through. I am struggling hard to put my strange self in a strange world. I don't know if that's who I am... I am not sure... and will never be. I don't know how to fit my strange self in a bunch of strange people who are telling me about myself. I want to bring back my old self for them to make them happy but I can't do that... I don't know how I can remember back again. I don't know how long can I wait. I'm impatient... I'm really confused and in trouble. And saying this to myself makes me say that I wish... I wish... I never woke up. I wish.
We broke the hug. "That man who keeps bringing flowers to me..." I started as I pointed the vase which was filled with lilies and other vivid flowers. "I want to remember him... but I kind of hate him. Do you have any idea why am I feeling this way towards him?" I asked as I wiped my tears which it can't be stopped right now from pouring.
"The man who always visit you? Do you remember something from him?" she asked exasperatedly.
I shook my head in answering no. "No... I don't have anything from now no matter how hard I try." I told her honestly. She took a huge sigh, "I don't know how he is related to you but... I heard some news about him." she started. "Listen... I have a bunch of friends working in Tonan hospital and I don't know if it's true but... they said that he was a doctor there and he just quitted months ago. I don't know how they can say this... but he's not a good man. I was really surprised to him visiting you every day and I don't want to assume that he's kind of related to you... but seems like I have to consider the idea that he has something to do with you... I mean, he's had a reputation over there which is kind of unlikely... and I just want to advise you that you have to be careful in dealing with him especially that you don't have any memories of him to remember. You better put all your guards in terms of talking to him. I bet, your instinct is right... you shouldn't trust him and I don't think there's something wrong of hating him giving your situation that you only rely on your instinct and feelings."
"Now that you are saying that, I'm kind of relief." I took a deep breath. "I want to continue practicing my writing... I'm trying my best so that Dr. Senjou Samuel could congratulate me."
She stood up and arranged for her nurse uniform. "That's right. You don't have to remember him, Kotoko-chan," she added. "And don't listen to him." and I nodded and agreed. "I'm going back to the station so call me if something came up. Remember, you have to press this button so that I could be here with you at any minute." she reminded me before she left.
I don't have to remember him... huh?
Upon going to the nurse station, Jane met Naoki in the hallway. She stopped walking just to talk to him. "Naoki-san... you're here again. You're punctual." she greeted in that kind of tone as she put the strange hair back under her ear. "I'm going to meet Kotoko," he said and had made a swerve to the right just to avoid her. He acted a little bit impatient. Nurse Jane had advanced him up so that he could not go forward. "Oh no, you're in a bad timing again, Naoki-san." she used her seductive voice. "Why? Is there something wrong?" he was worried and his tired eyes showed everything that he hasn't had a proper sleep for the last months. "No. She's asleep and I advise you not to go into there and disturb her. She needs to relax." she used another alibi that she must have picked up somewhere along with that patient who was struggling to push his wheelchair as he goes on back to his room. "I'm just going to take a look at her and I swear, I will never disturb her. Can't I just stay for an hour?" he continued to walk forward, he tried again but she just simply stopped him. "No. I mean, we need to talk about her condition. Dr. Senjou Samuel is not here right now and he can only attend to her in the afternoon so he said that I might better tell these things to you if I ever happened to meet you in the hallway and look, I did." she said it that fast before he can finally walk away from her. He finally turned back as he realized, "Okay. How's she doing? Is she still struggling to write her name? How the therapy did go earlier in the morning? Any progress? Please... please... I really need to hear it." his voice was desperate and his pupils sparkled of hopeless hope.
She pulled him outside... she pushed the door to the small park in the area where sick kids are arguing how to fly a kite. The elders were relaxing while contemplating their past before their children had sent them to the hospital to spend their remaining days. They took the vacant seat from the right... and it was such a nice day... with the sun shining above, the air was so thin and cold... the children's laughing aggravating around the vicinity.
"Okay." she rehearsed herself and took a pose, her back was not reclining in the seat... moreover, she was leaning more onto him. "I really don't how to say this to you... I mean, I don't want to hurt you again. I know, you've been hoping so much about this..." and she paused, trying to gather the things she wants to say but she never did mind his feelings as he listened closely. "It's hard to hope that what you had before is going to be back... I mean, it's just impossible to assume that things will be going to be all right and so fine when in fact... something has changed and cracked up the world. I mean, look... look at you. I know you've been hurting... and it could never get enough especially you want her to remember the way you were before the accident happen. I'm so sorry." she sincerely spoke the words and stretched her hands to reach him. "She might have the highest possibility to lead a life without you... she might want to start new. I want to convince her but... that's cheating, right? We really can't force these things to happen and make her do what the old her used to do. What I am trying to say... it was complicated." she let a smile. Naoki stayed silent for a while, probably... balancing what is right and wrong... and considering the wound that these months have opened up... maybe he can stitch it... but is the only way? That rings throughout his mind. He has so many options but he never considered giving up. "You heard... she was confused about how everything turned out in the past. She... knowing her name, her profession being a nurse. It really sounded so absurd for her. She never felt the same way. And I know you are fearing this so much that's why you kept on looking after her but she might not want to think back the past again... she's not interested." she tried moving her hands... still in her movement was hesitation. "If you really love her... you have to let her go." the last sentence made a beep... another sign of the reality. He looked at his shaking hands, can't believe he would no longer intertwine it to hers, he can't feel her back again. Letting her go... can he let her go? He might not want to... he might not do... it's freaking hard to let go of someone so precious, that you already set your mind that you would spend your life with. It's a hard decision. After a long pause of silence, Naoki's heart being hammered... it all ended to say, "What if this is a start to fix your life? She will start new... and you will pick up where you left of. You just can't simply abandon everything... including your profession. You've worked hard for it."
And he thought to himself that maybe that's the only thing he will do to make things right. Maybe that it is... maybe... But somehow, along the currents of this impossibility, he wished to restore everything. It was perfect. Their life is perfect. Why does someone have to take it all away? Kotoko didn't find it that way? And now she doesn't remember anything... is it just fair to let her start her new life without him?
I am not comfortable as he led the way to that little girl. After getting a medical check-up in the hospital, Dr. Senjou Samuel carefully told me that I need to stay relax for the whole ride. I'm feeling nervous being around this man whom I don't trust. Sounds of doubt multiplied and grew louder. He opened the car door and let me get in. I simply erase the fears playing inside my mind and just keep on saying to my mind that I need to find out or else my life would be having a big hole of mystery I can't even fix and will haunt me for the rest of my life. And then he followed, he went directly to the driver seat. He started the engine and when he did, he looked at me, eyes scanning down, his lips tried to open for words but I just break it off before he can say something. "W-what's wrong?" I said, pushing back the block of darkness behind me and tried to sound normal. "You forgot to wear your seatbelt," he said and leaned over to reach the seatbelt on the side, my eyes turned to shock when his face was an inches away from mine. My heartbeat's going crazy. "There. We are riding the long way. But don't worry, we'll be there in an hour." he said and started driving. I let a long sigh... and for the whole ride, all I was thinking is how that thing affects me. I have secret glances of him and I don't know why... this man drives me crazy... losing all my trust and giving me a blank sheet to lead on. I played my fingers... but he let go of my hand. He did.
"We're here," he said after he parked the car near the giant tree. He unfastened his seatbelt and did mine. I already calmed myself when he reached out to open my door. I stood there, feeling the cold wind that was gently brushing on my face. "What are we doing here? It's far away from town." I said. "I will explain to you later when we get there," he answered and turned around to stretch his hand. "Mind if I hold your hand? It's a terrible way... rocks are as big as a meteor. I don't want you to get hurt." and I got to start thinking... "Are you sure?" I raised a brow and just look at his hand in the air. He took it back in his pocket and just turn around. "Never mind if you don't want to. I'm not forcing it out on you." he turned his back on me and led the way. I didn't mind it anymore, I'm just getting nervous about what would I find out if we get there. He suddenly pulled into a halt and turned to face me. "I should be right after you," he stepped aside and let me walked in front. "It's a steep way. But we are near our destination. Keep going." he added. "Okay."
I placed my foot in the wrong place and I almost shouted for I was anticipating myself to fall anytime sooner. Fear rose above me. "Watch out!" he snaked his arms around my waist. "Darn it, you almost fell again. You're still so clumsy." he breathed. "Thanks but I'm okay," I said, reminding him that he still has his hands around my waist and it's making me uncomfortable. "Oh, sorry. I was just trying to save you from falling. It's just my instinct." he said and made sure that I will not fall again. "I told you, you have to be careful. That was dangerous." his voice was calm as he looked at me and said those words. He took a deep breath. "You almost had me." he shifted his eyes away when I felt something was going on. "What do you mean that I'm still so clumsy?" I got curious. Silence stayed for a while as I waited for his answer. And with a still? Is he mocking me by telling me that I was stupid before and now? "Oh. I didn't mean it to be like that. You got it wrong." And I tried to sound it was nothing but it intrigued me. I can't get it out of my mind especially I have no idea who I was in the past which I have forgotten right now. "I know you have something from me in the past and I don't want you to tell me everything about it. But to tell someone so clumsy regarding in the past and the present is mocking me." I already prepared myself for this moment, but still struggled to hold back the information which surely flooded my mind and confused me. But this man... I surely hate him. I can't even get out of the anger and madness in my heart whenever I am with him.
"We had a long history in the past and I'm sorry if I didn't mind my words. I didn't mean it to be like that. I know you don't understand and I'm okay with it... but let's just move on and pretend that we never have this argument. It's not what we came here. I would love to tell you everything and that will benefit me but I'm still thinking about your feelings and how would it affect you, so I'm apologizing for my behavior. I should put it in my mind to be careful." he immediately followed up. "I am not trying to make you feel less hate of me. You made it clear and besides, in my situation, I couldn't do anything for you to like me back. I also admit to hating myself. That's all." he shook his head but for a moment, he raised it again, pushing down the emotions back, and tried to sound normal. I shifted my eyes and tried to focus. I am completely aware that I have hurt him for a thousand times... and it's a really big deal to stand there... looking at the man whom I presumed have a big connection to me but I can't remember now. I pulled my courage back, "Okay. I understand. Let's just keep on moving on, please..." I suggested and he nodded, eyes looking so transparent... and when I looked at it, I feel like something is sucking me down, like a black hole.
"We're here." he broke the silence between us after we have walked at some distance. "I don't know how to say this..." he surely has taken a lot of deep breaths. I'm getting nervous. "So... where's this little girl?" I asked. He gave me a reassuring smile, and a hopeful look to trust him. I prepared myself. "The thing is..." he was terribly shaking. "She's not... I mean, err, it's not what you think." he started and maybe he was getting into trouble of telling me the truth. "What are you trying to tell me?" I asked again, still, it was confusing... I came all the way here to the man whom I hate after I woke up from a long coma. And maybe I wasn't thinking straight when I accepted to make him lead the way.
"She's dead and she's buried here," he told me.
"W-what? What do you mean that she's dead? W-what happened to her?" I raised my voice a little.
"She also had that car accident the same thing as happened to yours but... the only difference is, she never made it to have another second chance, and then you are."
"I... don't know what to say." my mind was filled blank.
"Are you okay? I don't want you to get confused by only telling you everything. I know it's not the right time but since you asked so much, I can't do anything to refuse you... even if I know that you are only going to hate me more. But it's okay... I've accepted it."
I break down, "Oh my goodness." I ghastly muttered to myself. "What am I gonna do now?" I whispered as I held my head. It's started to swing pendulum inside and it's hurting me the most. "It is starting to get hurt." I closed my eyes to forget how hurt it was. He sat in front of me, tried to hold me, but knowing that I was too terrified to act at the moment we had, he hesitated and kept of the hands only to himself. "I'm sorry." he meant it. I know. "I can tell you what happened to her, believe me." he offered but... "No... I want to know it for myself. I came here for her and you just told me that she's dead after having the same car accident with me?" I pushed him away. "You're a liar and I don't know what's gotten with me to come all over the way just to be tricked!"
"I did not trick you. I just can't say it to you before, I'm afraid... and I'm being a coward which was."
"Oh, stop it and get away from me!" I started to freak out. I stood up and ran. And I have no idea why I did that... tears were trickling down on my face. I don't know what to say. I just want to run away so that he can get me. "Kotoko! Please don't run. I don't want you to get lost!" he immediately followed me. "I want to be alone!" I shouted back without looking back. Tears kept on flowing as remembered the pain in my heart. That little girl is dead? And she has the same car accident as mine? But what happened? Why did I survive while she didn't? How the world could play us? If that is the case... I wish I never woke up to. It's just so hard to move on... to accept the fact that I was such a loser to wake up like this. I only have nothing and hate...
"Kotoko! Please stop!" he called me again. This time I asked myself, was I Kotoko? Or am I still her?
"Look out!" he shouted and just before I was about to save myself, I only already fell hard against the ground. My palm started to get so much pain... and it stings. The blood already dispersed in the air... and it smells unlikeable. He pulled me to make me sit on a rock and grabbed my hands. "You're bleeding. Are you okay?" he sounded to panic but he managed to make sure to ask that question. "Of course you aren't." and he opened his bag, looking for something. "Don't worry, we'll get that pain out less." and just when he started to apply some chemicals on my skin, I took back my hands, "No, please, you can't." I'm still weeping... still confused about what I am getting into. But my feelings won't lie, I know. "Don't worry, I was a doctor. And it doesn't look bad, but we still have to make sure the wound is clean or else you get infected. It's not good." he pulled it again and started to apply. "I'm sorry if I shocked you. I should have told you carefully," he added when he was wrapping it with a clean cloth. "Because I just thought it would be easier for you to process if you came all the way here but well, maybe, I did that for my benefit."
"Why did I survive and she didn't? And why she was with me during the accident? What's my relationship with her?"
He kept the silence and just looked at me honestly. He grabbed my right hand and kissed it gently.
"Naoki-san..."
"What are you doing?" I blinked and got some uneasiness flowing inside me... it's spreading through my veins and I can't stop it.
He took his time until he opened his mouth, "Well, she was my daughter."
"But why I was with her?" and something came to make me realized that... "Naoki-san." and I started not to believe it. No... it can't be...
"You are my wife, Kotoko. And she's our daughter. The little girl in your dreams, she was our lovely sweet daughter."
"How could you say this... to me?" I covered my face as another batch of tears flowing on my cheeks. They are mixed of pain... anguish, anger, and confusion and I totally can't handle them all. This is all so new... the pain is so new. "I can't remember anything... I can't..."
"It's okay. I know that." he hushed me down. "I know I have to make it easy for you but... I just want to tell you the truth and I think you deserve it. I can't simply hide it for you. I'm so sorry."
"Oh no,"
He took my hands and intertwined it with him, "Please... give me a chance. I don't want to cast away things between us. I treasured everything... I mean, we..." and now he was crying and he already bent a knee while saying that. "It's not like this... this wasn't supposed to happen to our lives. I don't want to see you being like this. It hurts me."
I don't know why my mouth is shut off like this. I just listened to his words... and watched his tears and felt his touch. He was giving me his heart out. And I don't know what to do with it.
"Let's start it this way... I will make you remember everything we had... and after I'm done with it, I will give up if you say you can't longer remember anything about us. If you really wanted to start your life without me... I will accept it. Just give me a chance. We're married... and I want you to share your burdens on me. I can't let you go on your own yet... but please..." and he kissed my hands again, his face flooded with emotions mixed of pain and frustration. "Just give me a chance, Kotoko. Live with me."
"I..."
"I love you, Kotoko. I love you. I really do. And because of that, I just can't let you go... and I still believe in you. Even if you forgot everything about me, about everything we had... even if you want me to give up. It's fucking hurting me you know? I'm still firm and strong to claim you as my wife and I already promised myself to you years before that I will definitely hold you... I will not give up. Given our situation like this... I will always keep on coming back every time you push me away."
"But I just can't..."
"Please, I'm begging you," he said as he wiped my tears. "Just give me time. And if these things won't work out anymore... then I don't have anything left to do. I will do what you want. Just give me a chance, please... I promise I will show you everything you wanted to know."
"Naoki-san." I started to explain, "I clearly told you my feelings about you." he loosened the grip of holding my hands, "I hate you. And maybe I know the reason why, it's because as you said, we were wife and husband before and I..." I cleared my voice, it's shaking terribly. My head will explode anytime sooner because of all of this mess. "And our daughter died. It pains me a lot to know that I have a daughter whom I can't any longer remember anymore... I mean right now. So... I was thinking for her sake too. I want to know her more. I want to remember her..." and I finally made my decision clear, "I will give you a chance."
And he smiled so wide after he wiped his tears. He quickly pulled me a for hug and it was tight that I couldn't prepare to breathe well. "Naoki-san, you're choking me," I said though, the tears are back from falling again. This hurts so much. "Thank you for giving me a chance. I will make it up for you. I will not fail you." and he gave some distance between us to kiss my forehead. He put his hands on my face and started to wipe the tears off. "I hate to see you crying," he whispered and pulled me for another tight hug again. "Oh god, I miss you." I felt him sniffing my neck. His arms are fully wrapped around me while... I... don't have many reasons to hug him back. But he is warm enough to replace the coldness that's gushing within me.
And I was thinking that maybe what happened between us made to feel this way... made me feel hate for him... and maybe... if he used his chance to prove something to me, I was hoping to remember everything about us, and how bad and good it was... I want to erase this hate in me, if possible. I really want to start to pick up where things were left off but... what if I changed my mind?
I don't have anything against this man. I don't know him yet... and I have a feeling that I will never be. He was such a stranger to me the day that I woke up. And maybe letting go is as good as he let go of my hand.