What if It Hurts (Itazura na Kiss, Tragedy Fanfiction)

by maiamedea

Irie Naoki neglects the possibility that 'something' might take his Kotoko away from his life. Kotoko got into an accident. She forgets him afterwards but the memories won't go back anymore. Will he able to pursue her by his efforts? [COMPLETED] 10/10

9. Chapter 9

p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="b8cf153e811fb1a8291140aba2c1e6b0"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;"em style="box-sizing: border-box;"What if Series Nine: Everything Has Changed/em/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="00d216e8ee607db53551e23a5a18ed68"em style="box-sizing: border-box;"One month had passed.../em/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="40a26ba41989450ae5aa476ed9466319"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Okaerinasai, Kotoko-chan!"/span a bunch of people had welcomed me in the doorstep. I embraced myself for I was feeling cold for the whole ride. Somewhat I regret making decisions like this. An old woman barged in and hugged me./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="c105539497ae318b734647be4b03c028"She cried in my clothes, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I miss you so much. I thought I would never see you again. But I'm glad you're fine."/span she said and I don't know what to say... know I don't know how to expose my feelings. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Finally, you are back,"/span she said and hugged me once again. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Mom, stop that. Don't get too confused about your emotions. We are glad that she's come here to live with us."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="b33a066940eec0cef0c95376962772cd"Naoki-san had interrupted and I was thankful for what he did. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Kotoko."/span he called me and I turned to him, waiting for what he was able to say, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""This is my mom. She's Irie Noriko. You are so close to her. Since your mom had passed away since you were young and you can't remember her anymore... you treated her as your mom. You two were close."/span He explained. I tried to smile, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I see..."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="cf87347641cd9049c4313129c64f1543"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Welcome back, Kotoko baka-chii!" /spana teenage boy at the back said it to me and I questioned him, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;"em style="box-sizing: border-box;""Baka?/em Did you just call me an idiot?"/span I asked him with my tone being raised high. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Hey, you are rude,"/span I told him. I can't help but I'm quite insulted. I can't remember anyone and yet he called me an idiot? Unbelievable. Naoki-san called him in, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Yuki... apologize now." /spanhe warned him. He quickly admitted, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be like that, it's just... Never mind. I understand now."/span and he murmured, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Things can't be restored anymore... how depressing."/span and Naoki-san called him again. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Yuki, please stop."/span he pleaded. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Anyway, that is my brother. He's Yuki and he used to get you a nice teasing a lot. I'm apologizing for his rude behavior." /spanI responded, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Since you said it that way... it's fine."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="b5697c53247afec3f789c19a71a79586"A man with a weird hair on top took the time to be noticed by me. He was wearing a wig? Shoot, he's just that shamefaced. I mean, is he even a man? Or might as well as gay? Gosh, he even wore make-ups! span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Kotoko! I'm glad you are finally okay! If you haven't still remembered, we are your friends. We are colleagues at the same time. I'm Kikyo Motoki. I don't want to hope but do you even remember me? Or even worked with me in the hospital? Please remember as a beautiful woman please!"/span he asked but when I was about to answer him no, he immediately pulled me for a hug. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I also miss you. It's even tough for us to see you suffering like that,"/span he said as he caressed my back./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="ef1e9e80501f8ad1b01298b08b6e2c67"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Anyway... I can't cry."/span he broke it off and then held me on my shoulders. And a fine-looking man pushed him away, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""It's our turn now, Motoki. You're getting carried away."/span and he cleared his voice, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I'm Kamogari Keita. Nice meeting you once again, Kotoko."/span he formally stretched his hand and I just looked at, fighting over in my mind whether to accept it or not./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="377d259d1120a03a91a964de0b769762"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Never mind."/span he put it away and said something, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""It's okay... you don't have to force yourself. I understand. I just want you to know that we are your friends and we will always be there for you." /spanand he's getting yelled at, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Stop that, Keita! You're the one who's getting carried away!" /spanMotoki pushed him. A loud and sexy lady pulled out their ears and gave them a thorough beating, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""We agreed that we are going to act normal around her and you just broke the code!"/span she said through her anger, she sure has managed the two of them and when they finally got silent, it was her turn to say, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Hey, I'm Shinagawa Marina-san. I just got married the other month with Seichi Funatsu, by the way, he's your husband's number one rival. I think you should be aware of that, Kotoko. By the way... I'm so happy to see you again. I hope for your fine recovery."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="80c17f07586822af429b0569d9e6918d"And another angel looking lady barged over that bunch of crowds and she almost got me frightened. I breathed, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Hey, don't forget about me! I'm Tomoko Ogura! Even though you forget about us, Kotoko-chan! I will never get tired of introducing myself to you. And I will not say this to you but... I'm your first friend when you transfer to the Nursing Department!"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="1d10931abea8b4e7ea1d9324e57fba54"em style="box-sizing: border-box;"I got transferred? So Nursing is not my first choice. What made me do it?/em/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="1108da1ef63ea2587052596d521c46f0"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Hey, it's now our time to reintroduce ourselves to Kotoko/span! span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;"Your time is over."/span and another bunch of five people came barging in front of me. The girl with the short hair started, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Hi, Kotoko! You may have forgotten about us but we are friends since high school! I'm Satomi Ishigawa. I hope you could spend time with us catching up! And by the way... we both all came in class F, the lowest class of all..."/span and the girl with a boyish aura with headphones on her shoulders hushed her down,span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;" "Satomi! You shouldn't talk long about that. She doesn't remember us!" /spanand she smiled... facing me./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="bac08d5f2531d286d50b346c9d0b136f"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Kotoko! I'm Jinko! Jinko! Your friend. The three of us were together for a long time. I tell, you, no one can break our friendship."/span she anticipated much about me to remember her but em style="box-sizing: border-box;"dame da yo.../em my mind was fuzzy about all these new faces. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I am also your high school friend! We both share stuff and secrets and come on, we are the best of friends!"/span and the crowd went crazy as the goes on. A guy with a punk rock face came into the scene, with a blonde girl snaking her arms around him, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Kotoko! I'm Kinnosuke! I used to love you before! But not now... well... I still love you but..." /spanand the blonde girl pinched him, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Kinnosuke!"/span she pinched him hard on his sides./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="4810bf10d1191f809ee12892402c5a9b"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I mean as a friend!"/span he continued. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I'm really glad you're doing well. I just want to say that if you want to eat takoyaki once again or any other kinds of foods... well, just contact me and I'll deliver it to you right away!" /spanhe even winked at me. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""It's to brag but... I just opened my restaurant last year and you encouraged me to pursue my dream. I'm now a professional chef right now. Thank you, Kotoko."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="289f7c2a5807efea9e6ffb42657cd264"em style="box-sizing: border-box;"Too many names... too many new names./em/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="90dfc38b7577b0d14f712e179ab28b1e"I can't even handle putting all the information in my head. I poked at Naoki-san shoulder... meaning to say something. And I was glad that he was clever enough to understand what I've been trying to say. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Everyone... thank you for coming here but may I request that we should lower down the celebration. She may have been doing well but she easily gets tired. Let's just go inside..." /spanhe presented and led me to the door. The old lady invited them to come and they happily got inside./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="e36a29d71faaee658b0005d84e580f03"Lots of foods were served on the table. There are too many desserts too. The whole living room was designed with balloons and other party stuff. The music starts playing and everyone was happy while eating./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="e23f97535e4c5455fff7f22c5f229866"I whispered at Naoki-san, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Were they serious about being my friend?"/span I asked when everyone got busy picking up their foods. He turned to me after he guided me to sit down on a white couch. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Yes... they are your friends... don't you remember any kind of fun feeling being with them?"/span he put his hands on my shoulder almost drawing me closer to him. I looked at where everyone was... span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""No. And it's odd... I have a feeling that... I mean... I can't even believe they were my friends. It's not so like me."/span I honestly told him. He made it clear in between us that we have to be honest with each other or else this chance won't work out. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""You may have felt like things around you might be so different to imagine but... believe me, you were so happy back then. Just try and give them a chance. They all came here to help you remember even a little bit. Please?"/span he pleaded. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Okay..."/span I will stick to my promise. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Now, let's eat. And after that, I will show you around." /spanhe stood style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;" "What do you like to eat? I'll get it for you."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="5058f1af8388633f609cadb75a75dc9d"./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="9966ca6dcc0401cd6dcf0e5d74d3c125"./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="8967c2dc7ff9815cf66c84fd159d4861"./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="c71ae736676767338ac7df530cd6bc34"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Everyone went home,"/span he stated as he opened another door. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I guess I will just show you around tomorrow. It's late evening. You deserve to rest."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="44ebed8d11fdd0d6dee6d1aeed66d55e"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""What's this room?"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="4258032ed9ed8757240ecc4cfed3cf12"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""This is our room, Kotoko. I told you before, we are married for ten years. Well... we may have started a long journey but... being with you is not like ten years to be exact. Our paths crossed each other when we were in high school and we got married in college. We started long enough as a married couple but we never go out mostly to have a date as lovers."/span he went to the closet and got clothes. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""By the way, this closet has your clothes. You can wear them anytime you want. It's yours by the way. I have your favorite pajamas here so wear it for now."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="207576a8fe39d8d011fee82776ce7947"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""What do you mean by that? I want to know how you and I ended up marrying each other and possibly, I want to see pictures of us getting married."/span I sat on the soft bed and roamed my eyes around the room. I never felt something special about this room. This doesn't feel like... em style="box-sizing: border-box;"this is my home./em Whatever ways to think about it, all I can realize is that it's just my first time to be here. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Okay. But we have pictures here papered on this wall. Just take a look at them while I'm getting the albums. I'll be right back." /spanand he shut the door quietly. I waited for him to be gone before I stood up, went directly to the walls./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="6b2a5f39ebf5d9d7da12deabd8e2ab1e"It indeed had pictures of us. We have been through many different places and looking at them doesn't bring back memories. Surely, maybe in those times, I was so happy but honestly, thinking about that... it was just a strange smile that I could no longer locate in me the reason for that smile. After staring at those pictures... I touched the things on the desk. It has some girly stuff and I guess it was all belongs to me. I opened one of my notebooks and childish penmanship surprised me./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="1d273fd260ab9ead72c834523ecb0cde"em style="box-sizing: border-box;"Don't tell me... this is mine? I can't believe it./em/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="ddc18494983b40e86186660d068252fa"Who am I by the way? What kind of person I am? Those words have crossed in my mind. I touched the picture of us wearing our pink wedding gowns and closed my eyes. I cleared my mind. I stopped thinking and just listen to my heartbeat... my heart, please... I'm begging you. Please... help me get through this./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="9107535675a804434e8192ec41eda28d"After pausing for almost one minute, I gave up. I can't seem to find myself flooding and confusing with some new memories. I want to help him. I can see how he works hard for me. And along with those thoughts, I decided that I should give him a fair chance./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="6aa4edaccd40e804eb6cc9d5cc3dcdfe"Naoki-san came back. He asked me, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Are you okay? It's okay... you are supposed not to force yourself to remember. If it hurts too much, please don't."/span he said. I shook my head. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""It's okay. I want to know everything about me... I mean, how the two of us got married."/span I walked closer to him. He put the albums on the desk. I simply didn't mind the fear which never left me since I decided to trust him. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Is it okay if I tell you now?"/span he took my hand and caressed it. I don't want to show him my discomfort. I'm not used to be close to him, especially his touch. I quickly took my hands and hid it in my back. I know I got him so confused but... it's not okay for me having him to touch me like that. I know we are married but... having amnesia erased my memories and feelings with him. I don't know if I can fall in love with him again./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="ae7e30de767bf881f974dc063d3a84c0"I sat on the bed after I got back the albums. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Let me see this," /spanI told him. He just quietly nodded and sat beside me. He drew lines in between us and I think he already noticed it. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Oh. Are we still in the same class? We both have the same uniforms." /spanI said. I was so young back then and I even have pink girly stuff on my hair. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Why this photo is taken this way? Oh no, my reaction was hilarious. I can't believe I have reactions like that. What's the story behind this picture?"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="48d4ddc095a2218e74141bcd1cfc2cb3"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""It was taken before our graduation." /spanhe started. His voice was singing of melody that could take back to the past. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""My mom is a kind of person with cameras on her neck and she was really into photography and mingling everyone's lives. And since she was quite disappointed not to have a girl, and when you came into our house, she was really happy. She treated you as her daughter. She even got you a girly room which you liked."/span and he paused for a moment. And was listening closely to him, wondering about me. And how did I end up that way? span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""You wanted to have a picture with me at that time. It's not to brag but... you like me for a long time. Let's say in freshman year."/span and he smiled a bit./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="9d03868e303b1e21e40ece92ddb5b53a"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""So are you saying that I like you first?"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="94bdf430e0d1c64567d3929f7ff283c6"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Yeah, definitely right. And you took an effort to pursue me even if I already turned you down."/span he continued. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Why would I make an effort to pursue you after you turned me down? Was I that stupid?"/span and he smiled. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Because you are Kotoko. Giving up without giving your best is not in your vocabulary. But thanks to you, my high school ended great."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="793fc3be5e6bafbbf063f0c701f98738"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""So what are the things that I liked about you?" /spanI asked again. I have thoughts circling inside my mind that I may have wronged myself to have loved him. He got silent for a while... but I can see he's reflecting too much. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Oh, how can I forget that reason."/span he continued again. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""You kept on saying 'em style="box-sizing: border-box;"I love you'/em to me that it never left of my mind. And when you decided to quit... I got annoyed and I was so aloof to everyone and my social life sucks, I didn't know what that means." /spanand he chuckled. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I miss those days while thinking about it,"/span he whispered. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Well, you declared the things that you liked about me. Your ideal man is me. You like smart and handsome men. And even if I was the cold-hearted type of one... you still like me and follow me everywhere I go. I got annoyed by it... but I don't remember anyhow how I got used to it."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="29b2b36eebc7633cd484bdfc8d7b5b59"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""So I fell in love with your looks and your intelligent brain?" /spanI sounded too unbelievable. I mean, that was hilarious. How couldn't I look into the attitude of the person? I mean, if I ever meet my past self, I would surely ask her why did she have that kind of mindset? It's absurd to think that I got to choose him because of that. He put me back in our conversation, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Is there anything wrong?"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="4953aeacf7a929e20e5a67c92cbfae97"I tried not to make obvious, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""No. I tried to remember it back. I was quite cunning by then, if that's what happened." /spanand still, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Hearing that from you means something to me. I was that stupid..."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="f37f439dcdb28d7e481f85137ed8f055"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""No."/span he tried to explain it in the other way. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""It's not what you think, it's not like that."/span and right now he was trying to change my mind. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""You're not that kind of stupid... well, in terms of your studies, somewhat you are but... it's not what you think."/span he wants to win on his own, like he can't put the book down, not now. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I understand,"/span I spoke up. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I think that's enough for now, Naoki-san,"/span I told him. He looked at me tirelessly, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Let's sleep now."/span I made a decision. I was fully confused about my past./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="4d25612a06efcc9bde2a9f710a5fe215"He nodded, finally giving in. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Okay."/span he's about to reach something in the drawer and turned off the lights above, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Do you want to leave the lamp open?"/span he asked. I immediately answered, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""No. I can't sleep with the lights on."/span and it took time for him to move, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""But you are night blind. You can't go to the bathroom if it's like that."/span he added. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Night blind? What's that?"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="4d5b9becdf348524d7669aa8e5725703"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""You can't see well in the dark."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="34dba60b6965b7c6dbe059e0f937e4ee"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Well, I must be not comfortable sleeping with the lights on."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="5abf07a342eceb3b17215fb9a6d0baad"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Okay. Do you want me to sleep with you?"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="27d4ed192dbbbaa9b8937bcf5b38908e"I overreacted, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""No!"/span I toned it down. I don't want to shock him. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I know we're married but... can't we just wait until I remember my memory?"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="dc83d1ba4a68641c8a91174fbef05487"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""You got it wrong, what I mean... just sleeping with you, not having to do all the sex that we have missed."/span he sighed, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""It's okay if you don't want to. I will just sleep on the couch."/span and he patted me on my head, like a good dog, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Goodnight and see you in the morning." /spanhis smile eventually faded when I returned him with a look. He quickly moved, got one pillow, and settled down in a long sized couch./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="a988f84d6a78d650e246df583b340d29"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Goodnight, em style="box-sizing: border-box;"Naoki-san."/em/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="08e93b057d461bb8771b6b0c2fb78614"./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="56daf6553ecd08d299d463a5d5622ebb"./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="67c32d5cacc1c1e4ec68be4580e12879"./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="3dc9ce9f5575ffd0eab846d6d620f313"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""What's wrong, Kotoko-san? Don't you like the food?"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="cfa1b509764a1ecc90c954cb21c9ffa5"My mother in law, reached out my hand to interrupt me. I like food... it's tasteful but... I just can't feel like eating it... especially with them. They were looking at me while eating. It's making me uneasy. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Kotoko."/span My father called me. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Are you okay?"/span he asked. He had been sending bento boxes while I was at the hospital and... it took a lot of time for me to believe he was my dad. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I'm fine,"/span I told them all./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="2e43576997cbbf58202a350982805f92"Naoki-san drank his coffee, his eyes were the same even before we got to sleep, it was obvious that he worries about me, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""You're not eating at all. Don't you like the food? I can make something else." /spanhe said and was about to stand up but I want him to refrain. It's not even necessary. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Naoki-san, no... I'm eating... this is how I eat... I only eat little by little. I don't want to choke myself."/span I made a joke but they are seriously looking at me. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Did I say something wrong?"/span I asked, raising a brow to each of them. I sat for a second and just stare at them... and something has occurred to me... em style="box-sizing: border-box;"shall I go now?/em span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""It's not like me from the past right?"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="b5d4e8d74bb9dce59cdfcda184d85750"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""You used to eat a lot... like eight pieces in a row... three bowls in a row... you pig out every time resulting in loose bowel movement," /spanhe answered and everyone agreed. Oka-san added something, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Yeah... but it's not a big deal to eat just a little, Kotoko-chan. We are just not used to it. We know that you might change something about you. I think it's for the best." /spanshe stammered and looked at everyone who had stopped in eating. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Hey, let's dig in for a lot!"/span she cheered and put some fried rice on her plate. I stood up, still feeling uneasy, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I'm full. I'll just be heading upstairs." /spanI told them and I walked away. Even my father is making me feel like he's not real at all. I can't understand myself... but at least, I made clear about my feelings./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="a1691ef7ab8c05b30b77e413fe94432c"Really? Who eats eight pieces of cake in a row? Doesn't it taste like wasted flour if someone ate that? em style="box-sizing: border-box;"And I mean, me?/em Are they all right in getting something from me in the past? Or they just make that up? I kept on reminding myself that they know me too much... and I don't know them and they are just getting the advantage that I woke up with amnesia... and to forget everything bad happened in the past, they are all trying to hide it by making up another story that they want me to believe. Oh, what am I saying? Certainly, after being with them for such a short time, I am still not convinced to trust them because of my gut feeling./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="d02a8fc9c34af24b24aa13d627230ebf"./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="74ee71937f9c92d699c46c2d4a265cfa"./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="5ba38cdc39ac4aed83151ea0e4087e4d"./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="871796dc2eab70bd86fef8e0d71b5dd1"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Kotoko! We're here!"/span the gay looking friend of mine in the em style="box-sizing: border-box;"past,/em waved at me while I was contemplating myself in front of the lilies of the Irie garden. I gave him a little smile. There... another bunch of people will make me feel uneasy once again. I want to run and hide... and I don't want to turn back. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Hey... you guys are awesome."/span I faked a tone and maybe I just did it with the vivid flowers all over me. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Of course."/span Marina-san winked at me. They have paper bags on them and I kind of wondered if they are gonna stay here because I prefer to be alone./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="0b52ee5a52c2bdd6faf9d3c97c79b7eb"The Keita guy dragged a chair and he's seated next to me. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""We bought you presents."/span he introduced. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Presents? Presents for what?"/span I asked in an unlikely tone. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Since you got off from the hospital, we want to celebrate your recovery as a group. We bought your presents... and I hope you like it."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="9a21c1acdf4fa5d0dfa4de3d174ce00a"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I'm sorry if all of you had to buy me one. I never asked you all to be like that... and waste your own money..."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="fcf1c99a8ba87fb95257ae440c03b9a1"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""No... don't be sorry. We just wanted to surprise you."/span the Tomoko girl spoke out. The gay looking man decided, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""It's okay... you should open this whenever you like it, Kotoko. We're sorry to disturb you. You must have been a lot of thinking about a lot of things. We understand,"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="8e301ac5f8be12140fb58cb922e8a024"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I know you all can say that I might be pushing you but... I just can't stop thinking about how I and Naoki-san get along together... I mean, he's not the kind of my type... and I know I'm not that pretty enough to stand on his side... it's just that... hearing from them what kind of person I am in the past makes me feel so different. I can't feel it. I can't even imagine it."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="36713cf3d4af800ea96f55227de3ac2c"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Naoki-san?" /spanKeita sounded so unbelievable. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""You call him, Naoki-san?"/span he repeated./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="8de2c945edbe53d464b86171a90f07ab"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""What... does that sound too rude? It's a formal right to call him like that. He's my husband after all."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="897fc4e28cf6c9dd7fcc30f6c48acfc0"He smiled a bit, he shrugged. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I mean, it's good to know that you started calling him with the first name. You never called him that way."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="83b8911ba0025908b4a722e37551d0d0"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Huh? What do you mean? What did I use to call him? It's not that?"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="a570884b605eedf59cdaadfffa18c19b"He did not tell this to me anymore... he never mentioned this./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="3e14c9d8b01bf2574a8c27d6cb73a1ac"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Well, you used in calling him... em style="box-sizing: border-box;"'Irie-kun'/em."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="0373923d38525dfb9bbc981809c2b0e8"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Irie-kun? You mean... Irie-kun? Why do I call him that way... it must have been the time that we are not married and the time that we consider ourselves as a friend before we take it up to the next level."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="c07e2c0487ae8ab4d8c00d1ffe735eb4"And Marina-san had a blank face that makes me think that I misunderstand it... span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""No... even if after you two are married... ten years from your wedding... before you got into an accident... you still call him that way. You loved to call him that way. That's your endearment."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="972d8213d191adace7a82e1426981e28"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""You are not lying to me, right?" /spanand then they looked at each other, they are avoiding me. I faked a laugh, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""So that's me in the past. I was stupid to fall in love with a guy who just has some good-looking looks... not minding the cold attitude. I used to pig out... I can even eat eight pieces of cake... I'm dumb academically... I'm clumsy and lastly... I have a daughter who just died in the same accident and I didn't even have the chance to see her alive... I'm that kind of plain? Not only that... I call him that stupid endearment from high school? Are you all kidding me? Even my name sounds so stupid!" /spanand I burst out into anger. I can't believe it... I can't believe I would be electrocuted of pain hearing this from them. They are all telling the same lines! They are teaming up against me!/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="1d3e0e2a27ed6b8234da960cc4d426a6"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Kotoko... we are serious of being honest with you. We liked you that way... we never hated you in the past. You were just incredible just then."/span Keita tried to explain it in the other way but... it doesn't change my mind. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""That doesn't change everything now. I can't believe what you are all saying! Because I believe I wasn't that kind of person in the past! Maybe you all tried to change the story... maybe you are doing this to make me suffer and you completely did!" /spanI stood up, throwing their presents away... dashing the coffee cup, pointing each one of them./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="04bebdf60b9088fd2e5912d4073c9b82"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""We are your friends, Kotoko. Please... please trust us." /spanOgura Tomoko said in between her breaths./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="f3fd9dc08dca9a0f49c203c0ef11b0cc"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""You know what? I want to believe you... but I just can't believe people in my past that I accidentally got erased in my mind. For now... for I am starting right from scratch, all I have is me. This is how I feel... and the present I am in is the only thing that matters for me now."/span and I want to calm down... my head is striking me up again, like a thunderstorm. It pains me a lot... to see... to accept. I just want to run away without ever looking back. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I'm sorry..."/span I whispered. I don't mean to be apologetic to them that way... I'm sorry about the old me. I still just can't be like that anymore. It doesn't feel like I can be that em style="box-sizing: border-box;"'person'/em anymore./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="1757945a9f393d3c2aafa154ac71fc18"I don't even know her. It feels so different. I feel so ashamed that I just want to start with a clean new paper and be just like this. This is me now. I got back in the house, the silent atmosphere made my clamping down the stairs very audible. I let the tears rushed harshly on my cheeks. This is just getting harder than I thought. I forced myself to think that it's maybe a good decision to continue the past... but I can't recognize it anymore. I have no idea if I was doing this for myself but... seems like I'm doing this for them which is not right./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="39ae7d6efdb2b3581b105a6426c8f524"./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="c867c03ac29b1f602c79df3ea650e2f1"./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="053aa5b274b5680e9f7587eab6359c15"./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="3bb41b7b09e08d6c77f440f60e6a1b2e"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""This is where you and I made our official date. This is em style="box-sizing: border-box;"Inoshigira park./em You made me promise that I will take you out on a date if you passed the nursing transfer exam."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="6c23dd40c5814145b6b90b133d5725f9"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""You said that nursing is not my first choice, right? Why did I have the kind of decision for myself? What made me change my mind?"/span he pulled me closer to him when a teenager is driving his bike towards me. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Careful,"/span he whispered. His touch makes me remind that I should not be walking with him... that maybe giving him a chance was a big mistake but I just can't simply break it all like that. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Well... you flunked out in your subjects because you miscalculated your points but other than that, you transferred because I was going to be a doctor that time and you took a lot of time to think about what do you want to be in your life... then since you like to follow me around... and you loved the idea that I am a doctor and you are a nurse in the future... so you want to transfer. I tried to stop you because that thing involves in a person's life and you probably messed it up but because you were so hard-headed, you made it all the way. Well, wanting to be a nurse never that easy for you but you made it by miracle or not."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="0119ff2d94bd54ad65faa84ade700aaa"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""So I did become a nurse for your sake. It was a stupid decision... I never thought that I could make my world revolve into a man like that." /spanI commented./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="fc1afa9a41d33b8c06028abd9bb4e709"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Well... let me say this but you are also the one who told me to become a doctor. I wasn't planning in going to a university but you made me. I thank you for that."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="e71ebea2d024deccdd1e85c79508dccd"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Really?"/span I looked at him. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Let's sit over there. Do you want to ride a boat? Let's rent one. We can continue talking there."/span he suggested. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I think talking here is just right."/span I declined and sat in one of the vacant chairs. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""It's such a wonderful spring." /spanI breathed the fresh air. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""So what did our daughter looked like?"/span I followed another question. He grabbed something in his bag. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I have photos of taken right when she was just born... her first birthday... and everything that has happened in her life. You took these photos of her."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="58c63f9ccfaa02296f8a00d2ce7cfc1b"I took the picture where she was just born. I saw myself holding her in my arms. She was tiny and cute. But it never made to feel another motherly feeling... I tried to find it through the vast space inside my heart but it's not there. It's missing. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""She looks a lot like you." /spanI flipped another picture of her eating a pasta. Naoki-san was there too... they look so happy together but it doesn't bring me such feeling of nostalgia... or whatever you call it that made me wonder about it. This is different, I know... but maybe I can help it. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""No. For me, she looks a lot like you. Everyone also has the same opinion. I mean, most of them."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="4507b23472fa3bfb2ce3b037557e8b57"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""So what's her personality be like?" /spanshe was such a happy little girl in these pictures. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Well, her personality is mixed. She got the studious kind of me... even my brains but... she's bubbly and cheerful... she is somewhat clumsy. She inherited both of us. She sometimes treated you as her own best friend, she makes fun of you, and lastly, she listened to you as her mom. I can't even imagine the closeness of you two have. You made her be such a wonderful kid, Kotoko." /spanand his eyes changed to ashes as I looked upon him and I tried to figure out how much deep it was before it became transparent and clear, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""We were so happy back then. I never have anything to wish for. I have wonderful mornings waking up with the two of you... we may have gone overly dramatic... overly happy... we even got problems at home and in our work but... it just feels so right." /spanand he looked at his own hands. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""But... we can start it this way. Pondering about the past doesn't make sense, for our daughter, I have to be strong."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="1d4ce5b51c7b245dd479bb04351814b6"./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="5409222457b90df06cf106f16f157107"./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="fca016afc3bef1a13ea7841ae197c347"./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="27c2bcb57f8dec76c82a6815a4a5e19f"The evening passed, staying warm nice after getting a fresh shower. I listened to the crickets and the rustling leaves, thinking that the sound of nature was more real and aroused more emotion than things like cars and planes. Natural things gave back more than they took, and their sounds always make me feel strongly that I can be able to do it. em style="box-sizing: border-box;"That I can end it this way./em It's been weeks since I started to give him a chance to bring everything back but... right now, it's more than enough to stay, to prolong things like they still fit anymore when in fact, they will never be. I didn't change my clothes, nor was I prepared to sleep... I just took valuable time to think for myself... even if I was wrong for them... but who are they to change me? I am what I am right now... and them, listing down the long list of the characteristics of myself in the past makes me feel wrong... it's not me anymore. I listened as hard as I could... I did everything to make it sound that I was just fine... but I can live without the memories I just forgotten./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="1e48a66c0c2bbcef73d38b18b3502e0a"He went inside the room after using the bathroom. He came in wiping his wet hair with a clean white cloth, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Kotoko. There's something I need you to know," /spanhe started right before I can speak,span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;" "And what is that?"/span I asked... though, we had just finished talking about the past and I thought he said everything I need to know... to change my mind. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I'm going back to work. I'm going to be a doctor once again. I thought to buy a new house for just us alone... and it's not far from work. It's just a few blocks away. Way back before you got an accident, I want to buy a house for our family... I want a big porch so that our children can make happy giggles while running through it. It's not that big of a house but... I think we are going to start new there... let's just build our family now."/span he took my hands and kissed it. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I know this all sounded too sudden but I thought about it for over a thousand times and it's good. Let's start again, Kotoko." /spanhe sounded so sweet but... some part of me just has this sympathy for him. I pity him for he is doing this for me... to put up covers in our wounded bullet holes./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="908dace764f29c472c936670af6bfaac"em style="box-sizing: border-box;"I am completely healed... but I can't help myself in not getting back to him./em/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="1501be3e7150ca4440cfba349cd65624"./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="ad0f6cb5f360d5432d4fbd2071c2b876"./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="d2baa5f5d496ac19db05e2d606b7010c"./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="0b99a93f4b352436cf60bb94098f68b3"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Naoki-san... I think we can stop now." /spanI said, not hesitating but I don't want to hurt him directly. His jaw dropped. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""You can get back to work. You studied hard for it... you worked hard for it. You have to save lives."/span I said and he loosened the tight grip he's giving into my hands. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I don't think we can start over. em style="box-sizing: border-box;"I loved you... I loved you in the past./em And I was quite thankful that you had shown some care for me. But... I can't remember anything from it... I can't remember the feelings of loving you. I love our daughter and I promise that I will always keep her in my heart but... things between us... will not work anymore. I might say right now that let's put off the marriage first. I want to start without you and just embrace this new me. em style="box-sizing: border-box;"Let's have a divorce."/em /spanhe didn't say anything... he looked so stiff. I don't want to hurt him... or anyone in making this decision but I can't hurt him more shortly. He needs to know this. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I'm sorry. But I did everything I can to get back. I want to remember... I do! But I don't know how to get those memories... they are all got stolen away from me. And I don't want to continue this anymore when right from the start, I didn't feel like it will work out."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="9af0029758ad008a04dac3aa9a04f9a4"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""You don't understand!" /spanhe yelled. Tears are dripping on his face. He stood up in front of me. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""You don't understand how I am trying to be strong for you! I don't want to give up! I forced myself not to! But... hearing that you want to get separated from me sucks me out! You came into my life so hard that I just want to push you away but never did I successfully resist you! You shine so brightly in my dull life and I wanted you to get out in my system but you stayed still and had given warmth and happiness in my cold world. I wanted to push you away 'cause I think you just happen to pass by and you are just going to leave me. But you managed to be with me all the time!" /spanhe breakdown. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I got used to seeing you next to me... to have you in my arms and... now, you are getting farther away from me! My life is completely back at being dull again!"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="a27cf31724cd6f0bda171e23e874539a"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Naoki-san, do you think you can take it back? Our daughter... our happy life? Think about it! What's there to fix when everything about us is ruined?! I am also hurt! I have so much pain inside me! And forcing me to get back at you for the sake that we shared treasures, it's just pointless... I can't even remember it! Even if I want to... but the feelings are not there anymore. I don't have the same love for you! Maybe I used to follow you every time... I used to revolve around your world but... putting it back cannot force me to imagine that I love you!"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="6614106d2f5938ce1be0f7d91af1427f"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""You don't have feelings of me anymore... you don't remember everything about our good times, the first times, the sweet talks, our love... and so that, you can't be so hurt just as I do! Every time I look at you... I still force myself to believe that maybe your love for me is still there... it's maybe hidden and all I have to do is to unlock it. That it takes time to remember... I am not giving you up... I'm not planning to... but... there you said it... how could you do this to me, Kotoko?! I remember everything about us... I believe in us... and you decided that without those memories? How cruel you are! How... unfair... you never showed me the effort that you want to remember... all you are doing right now is to avoid remembering those memories! You are running away from me because you are afraid to remember! You're just being selfish!"/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="c04ecad0badb9b50c2a7eaf70007f393"I stood up against him. I clenched my fist, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""What?! Do you think it's not hard for me to wake up having nothing to remember? I got nothing! em style="box-sizing: border-box;"Nothing!/em Even the essence of who I am is missing! I got into an accident! And I wished it had killed me! It was never been easy with me to wake up... looking around me... wondering... starting over! You don't know how I wished to be strong forever... to withstand all of this... but I just can't simply ignore myself and put it behind on top of those! This is me now... and I have to be with people who I can start over... who can make me feel like myself... but it's not you, Naoki-san."/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="b4320c4330e2264d2bc27b317d109c8b"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""That's why I am here for you! I know it's hard for you... I am willing to be with you all the time, Kotoko. I am breaking down in front of you... probably you can see me right now as a man who wants to be used by you! I want you to trust me... the first thing you woke into a coma... I wished that you could have trusted me right from the start but you forbid yourself... you looked at me with hatred... and I cried inside... em style="box-sizing: border-box;"you don't realize that you have someone to lose that's why it's easy for you to get separated from me!"/em/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="f22c2a952ae278920eb6e6d596b0a5f2"And he hugged me against the heated moment between us... broken things about our relationship got laid on the floor. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""I love you... and loving you includes how much I am willing to accept you from who you are right now. I love you... long enough and I don't know how to stop it."/span I felt his tears... it was warm. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Please... don't do this to me. I am willing to start over whichever you want... I just can't imagine losing you too... you are I have to keep my life spinning... to make start again... to forgive myself." /spanand he pulled me, scanned my eyes... cupping my face with his warm hand. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""You see... these hands fit only for you...and these lips..."/span he looked down at my stammering lips, span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""These lips can only kiss you..." /spanand he gave me a fine swift kiss. span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""Can't you see how perfect we are? Can't you realize how compatible we are to each other? I never have anybody else but you, Kotoko. I can only be with my true self with you... just don't leave me... don't make me erase you from my life because it might kill me. em style="box-sizing: border-box;"I need you. You are for me."/em/span/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="45f3cc2d2c1d23f19ef76619cb4551ac"span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: bold;""But I don't want to hurt us... if I let this again, this will come too deep that we can't save ourselves from the pain. You don't only have me... em style="box-sizing: border-box;"you might find things left in you." /em/spanI pulled him away and got past at him. I opened the door and head towards downstairs./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="c8894b756a88fd31b903e0893f6d8973"Maybe you can meet different people in your lifetime. Some of them will leave you... or you will open their doors to leave them. It's just like that. Maybe the perfect things are not perfect in some angles. Maybe there is no perfection. Even if you have someone willing to love you more, will not linger... maybe you have to push him away. That's what it is./p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" data-p-id="9b1d9bb589d6fdd5215a643d3894a394"em style="box-sizing: border-box;"I'm sorry, Kotoko./em But I just can't force myself to love him when I don't have any ways to get back my feelings. I know you cared and loved him so much and you don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt him too... that's why I am running away... let alone leave what's precious between you and him in the past. I will continue to live your life. em style="box-sizing: border-box;"He's yours from the start... by the way./em/p
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px;" /p