Behind the Cards
Chapter 4: Playing Dirty
By Dark Magician Boy & Luthien Eowyn
Ryou: My god, what took you so long to actually write, huh?
DMB: Because pizza is tasty. By the way, sorry, I didn't know that girls liked working toilets. Sorry Jgal!
Yugi: Then why does Ryou like working toilets?
Ryou: Uh, say how bout' we get this chapter going and turn on the lights!
DMB & Yugi: K'
LE & Bakura: NO!!!!!!!!!
DMB: Oh please, what have you got to hide? It not like you're having… (turns on lights and they see Bakura and LE in bed, together, clothes less, and, well, you know).
DMB: (Finishes) sex.
(The three boys stare a little while, and suddenly, their Anime styled eyes get annoyingly wide)
DMB: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bakura: (Looks at LE) What's a matter with him?
LE: (Shrugs).
Ryou: That is a hell of a thing.
Bakura: A LITTLE PRIVACY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ryou: No! I don't mean YOUR thing, I mean the situation.
Bakura: I don't care!
Ryou: Sheesh!
Yugi: (Crying) All I wanted was some Cherry Coke! (Falls to the floor)
Bakura: (Sounding hopeful) Is he dead?
Yugi: No, I'm not dead! Just because someone falls down doesn't mean they're dead!
LE: Listen, you three! You will not tell anyone about this! Capish?
DMB: Are you kidding? This is serious dirt! There's nothing you can do to stop us from telling.
LE: Drat, he's right.
Bakura: Wellllllll (Reaches into stomach magically and pulls out his ribs that crumble away).
Yugi: Ewe.
Bakura: That is what I'll do to you if you tell. You will keep this secret till the end of your lives.
LE: (Thinking) Oh, he's good.
DMB: Except maybe that.
(A few days later. Few have noticed the high amount of twitching coming from Ryou, Yugi, and Dark Magician Boy. Not only that, but no one has noticed the also high amount of dreamy looks jumping back and forth between Luthien Eowyn and Bakura)
DMB: (Very scared) Is my life over yet?
Yugi: (Also scared) No. I think mine is.
Ryou: (Scared, obviously) No, mine is.
DMB: (Snapping out of it) Don't you have any dirty laundry on Bakura?
Ryou: Well…
(A few hours later, Ryou has poured the entire works of Bakura's 5,000 page diary (A page per year), and DMB and Yugi are laughing their heads off. A few hours after that, they have snuck into Ryou's soul room and stolen every single shred of Bakura's secrets).
Yugi: This is going to be good.
(Slowly, one by one, they slip into the cafeteria where Bakura and LE were touching lips very passitionateley, AKA, French kissing. And also, one by one, the three begin giggling.)
Bakura: (Stops kissing) What's so funny? You didn't tell, did you? Because if you did…. (Gets up and hand starts glowing)
DMB: (In motherly voice) Oh, don't do that around…. (voice changes to threatening and holds up a purple stuffed pig).
Bakura: Captain Fuzzypants!
LE: Captain Fuzzypants?
DMB: Captain Fuzzypants.
Bakura: Diabound! Get Captain Fuzzypants. (Bakura's ka coils down his arm in mist form, and jumps toward DMB. DMB holds up the pig as a shield).
DMB: Any violence and the pig gets it!
LE: Don't worry, Bakura. I've got this. (Holds up a golden hand mirror with the Eye of Horus on the back of it).
DMB: The Millennium Mirror!!!! But that's your character's millennium item!
LE: Since I made it up, I get to keep it. With my own Yami of course. (A projection of a sharper looking version of LE appears, coming from the mirror).
DMB: I thought the original you was scary enough.
LE: (A pillar of light blasts from the Millennium Mirror, heading towards Dark Magician Boy, Yugi, and Ryou).
DMB: (Going over options). Save Ryou and Yugi, humiliate Bakura and Luthien. Save Ryou and Yugi, humiliate Bakura and Luthien. Save Ryou and Yugi, giant slice of cheese pizza! (Thinks of the treat and tongue rolls out).
Ryou: HELP!
DMB: (Thinking) What am I going to do? Will I ever get my slice of pizza? Why am I asking you all of these questions?
(DMB thinks more)
DMB: No, I didn't!
(Yes, you did)
DMB: No, I didn't!
( Oh, for the love of Pete! You realized that right there and then that you could have your own Millennium Item!)
DMB: Oh yeah. I forgot that little glitch about how every fan fiction author gets their own specialized Millennium Item. But what's mine?
(DMB is now lost in thought, until from offstage, someone throws a golden pocket watch at DMB's head, and hits him directly.)
DMB: OW! That really, really hurt! Who throws a random Millennium Item. Honestly! (Picks up the pocket watch, and realizes that it is indeed the one, the only, the Millennium Pocket Watch!!! Ba-ba bum!). Wow! That barely ever happens. (Holds up pocket watch, and Luthien with Bakura are frozen in time, along with the blast).
Ryou: I'm dead. I'm dead, I died, I'm dead. (Looks up along with Yugi and sees the blast has been frozen in time).
Yugi: Cool.
DMB: Now that I have this thing (tosses Millennium Pocket Watch into the air, and catches it), they can no longer torture us. (Background begins to darken, in a dramatic way). TODAY IS A REVOLUTION!
Ryou: Cool.
Yugi: Wanna go get some pizza?
DMB & Ryou: Yeah, sure.
(The three walk off the scene, and after a few decades (cough) excuse me, minutes, it wears off, and the blast breaks through the wall that was behind DMB, Yugi, and Ryou. Captain Fuzzypants (snicker) is now lying on the floor. Bakura zaps the pig, and it is absorbed into the Millennium Ring)
LE: That was…… unexpected.
Bakura: They are going to pay. I swear on the soul of Zork that THEY WILL PAY!!!
LE: This ought to be good.
(A few days later, during a recording, they were on a ship)
DMB: Aaaaand, ACTION!
(Yugi and Joey had just met Mai)
Joey: Please crush me.
Mai: Ok. (Pulls out a giant mallet and whacks Joey to the size of a trash can top).
LE: Does anybody want to do mouth to mouth resuscitation?
Kaiba: I'LL DO IT!!!! (Everyone stares at Kaiba for a few minutes, then everyone pretends it never happened).
(Eventually, after some serious coaxing, Ryou goes and gets a tank of helium, and fills Joey with it. For the next few minutes, Joey sounds like he was kicked in the balls)
(A few minutes later, they are out on deck alone, and Yugi gives Joey the Time Wizard, just as Weevil comes out and asks to see the 5 cards of Exodia)
Weevil: May I see those legendary cards. (The cards are handed to Weevil). I never thought of a way to defeat these cards. Until now. (Throws cards overboard, and they are immediately blown back upwards by a random updraft, and back into Weevil's hands. Weevil tries five more times, and he fails five times). WHAT IS WITH THESE CARDS?!?
Yugi: Here, let me help you with that. (Throws cards down successfully).
Weevil: Thanks Yugi.
Yugi: No problem. Anyway, NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joey: What's wrong? Those were the only Exodia cards your grandpa had, and he gave those to you as a gift that you cherish forever and ever and ever…
(A few pages later)
Joey: … and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever?
Yugi: No! My cherry gum was stuck on the back of the head!
Joey: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DMB: What's with all the exclamations in pairs of fourteen?
LE: That means they're mad. If it's fifteen, they're really mad. If it's sixteen, then they are mad sad, surprised, and playing mediocre music.
DMB: I'm just gonna forget that last part, and get Yugi and Joey to calm down.
LE: Too late, they're already overboard.
(The two run to the edge and see the two boys swimming towards the cards)
DMB: We have to save Yugi. Joey isn't important now.
Kaiba: YES HE IS! (Jumps overboard and saves Joey)
DMB: Ok, since when has there been a hint of Kaiba liking Joey, though I just won't believe it.
LE: We forgot the last hint, remember?
DMB: Oh yeah. (Uses Millennium Pocket Watch to get Yugi out of the water just before a great white sharks was about to eat him).
Yugi: Well, that was close. (Pops his retrieved gum into his mouth, and DMB runs to the side and pukes).
LE: That was enough for one day. Time to turn in.
(Everyone goes to bed on the ship, but two of them remain awake. Two scheming and planning and laughing and having tea and crumpets)
Bakura: What do you have in mind?
LE: I say we give each of them a bad dream by using our Millennium items to enter there minds.
Bakura: Good thinking. Let's get Ryou first.
(Slowly, the two sneak into Ryou's room and then, his mind, and give him the worst dream of his life)
Ryou: Thank you, thank you. Oh, I'm pretty sure anybody could have perfected toilet paper!
Random Audience Member: What are you going to do now, Mr. Ryou?
Ryou: I think I'll get rid of the aftertaste of food now!
Bakura: In your dreams!
Ryou: But this is my dreams.
Bakura: Exactly. This isn't happening.
Ryou: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Bakura and LE hop out of Ryou's head, and run over to DMB's room, and then, into his dream)
(DMB can be seen chowing down on dozens of pizzas, and the delivery guy constantly walking in with twelve boxes of pizza each time)
DMB: Thanks. (Coughs out some).
(The delivery guy walks out again, but DMB doesn't notice that it is really Luthien. LE sets down the pizzas in front of DMB.)
DMB: (Opens the box and to his horror, it is pepperoni (He only eats cheese)!) NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(The pair jumps out of his head and run to Yugi's room, then into Yugi's head. The two see Yugi flying overhead connected to a cherry bubble. Bakura waves his hand and the bubble turns to grape.)
Yugi: NOT GRAPE!
(Luthien waves her hand, and the bubble pops, leaving Yugi to fall to the ground, which is suddenly covered in spikes. Yugi falls onto the spikes, wakes up, and outside, LE and Bakura fall out of a random dream bubble floating just outside of Yugi's head)
Bakura: Wow, we made great time!
LE: Yeah, in only one page. Well, time to go to bed.
Bakura: Wait a minute! We need to do at least one more page.
LE: Oh, don't worry. Yugi, Ryou, and my brother will get their revenge in tomorrow's page which is just about….. Now!
(Suddenly, the background changes to day time, and everyone is up and ready)
DMB: They are so dead.
Yugi: They made me stay up till'
Ryou: He's an embarrassment of a Yami.
DMB: Let's get em.
(The theme suddenly changes to an old western film. Bakura and Luthien are on one side of a street, and Yugi, DMB, and Ryou are on the other side. Luthien and Bakura are dressed in outlaw clothes, DMB, Ryou, and Yugi are dressed in cowboy clothes, and everyone is armed with their Millennium items. The cast is hiding on one side of the street, or the other, each dressed in townspeople clothes. Except for Yami, who was the mayor.)
(DMB, Ryou, and Yugi, or, cowboys begin walking in their boots which are stiff and make noises every step)
Yugi: How do cowboys walk in these things?
(Bakura and Luthien, or, outlaws begin walking in their more comfortable boots)
(It is clear that DMB is the sheriff, Yugi is the sheriff apprentice, and Ryou is the lone stranger)
DMB: Hey, I want to be the lone stranger!
(Oh well)
DMB: What do you mean oh well?
(I mean 'oh well'. As in, I don't care)
DMB: Can we hire a new narrator?
(Sorry, I'm here for life)
Ryou: Oh, who cares?
Yugi: Yeah.
DMB: Oh, fine. DRAW!
(Each person holds their item forward, and a blast issues. The blasts meet, and form a ball that swallows the entire street. When it clears, they are in space. Bakura is dressed in a robe, and Luthien is dressed in a cape and helmet, and has a light saber at her side. In short terms, Bakura was the Evil Emperor, and Luthien is Darth Vader. DMB is in white tattered clothes with a green light saber at his side, Yugi is in a brown vest and brown pants, with a white under shirt, with a blaster at his side, and Ryou has on a white gown, a blaster at his side, and a very strange hairdo. In also short terms, DMB was Luke, Yugi was Han Solo, and Ryou was Princess Leah)
Ryou: Hey, I don't wanna be Leah!
Bakura: Tough luck, you got to be the lone stranger, so now, you have the ridiculous part.
(The five are in a spaceship, and the cast is dressed in Star Wars clothes, looking through a window).
DMB: Bring it on. (Jumps forward and light saber activates. Luthien jumps forward, and her light saber activates. The two begin to fight (Duh)).
(Yugi and Ryou run forward to battle Bakura, and start blasting him with blasts, and Bakura begins shocking them with shocks! No, not really. Just lightning)
LE: You have learned much since our first battle, but there is something I must tell you.
DMB: What?
LE: I am…….. YOUR SISTER!
DMB: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Blasts Luthien with his Pocket Watch, and the scene changes (again). Now, DMB: Ryou, and Yugi are in a jeep in explorer clothes, and it is raining outside. Suddenly, a claw stamps down, and the three look out to see two giant T-Rexes. The bigger one has Bakura eyes and hair, and the slightly smaller one had Luthien's eyes and hair. Not heads, just the eyes and hair.)
DMB: DRIVE!
Yugi: I don't know how!
DMB: Not you, Ryou. He's qualified.
(Ryou jumps into the driver seat and takes off, with Luthien and Bakura close on their tails. They are driving the wheels off nearly, until they come to a cliff. So DMB, Ryou, and Yugi take their Millennium items, and combine the blasts into one super, mondo, mega, gigantic blast that hits Luthien and Bakura, and the scene changes again. They are now on top of a building. Luthien and Bakura are dressed in tuxedoes, and DMB, Ryou, and Yugi are dressed in trench coats, and have sun glasses.
LE: Dark Magician Boy, you are the one that will save the people within the Matrix. (Grabs a gun and starts shooting at the three).
(Yugi and Ryou make an excellent jump aside, but DMB, who slowly falls back as the world goes into slow motion, and he narrowly avoids the bullets. Yugi and Ryou take their Millennium items and blast the bullets. The scene changes once again. This time, they are in their ordinary clothes, but they each notice something. They are within a Hyper Cube Room (You know, that horror movie where the people were stuck in a hyper cube and couldn't get out?))
Ryou: Oh, just great, how are we supposed to get out?
LE: Like this. (Opens a door that only leads to another room). Great.
DMB: Maybe if we just keep going up.
Bakura: I say we go left.
Ryou: No, right.
LE: I say down.
(The four are arguing for hours on end, but then, Yugi interrupts)
Yugi: Uh, guys?
All four: WHAT!
Yugi: May I remind you that we each have magic.
DMB: I feel stupid.
LE: You are stupid.
DMB: I am not!
(They each hold up their Millennium item, and are sucked into the next room, then up, then left, right , then down, then down again, then left, then right, and it is continuous until they are pulled through the correct door that spits them out into the studio. They look behind to see the door to the Hyper Cube which suddenly vanishes.)
DMB: You'd think we would have noticed that before. Anyway, tell me what you think in your reviews, readers.
Bakura: That's it? That's the end of the chapter? Come on, we didn't even destroy each other. I mean wasn't that the value of the chapter?
DMB: Uh, no, it wasn't. The value of the chapter, and the whole entire story is just to make people laugh their heads off. Duh! Does anyone wanna go to Dairy Queen?
LE: Sure.
Yugi: Cherry coating for me!
Ryou: I'm game.
Bakura: Sure, fine.