Chapter 8

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After saying goodnight and sending Emma off in a cab, Martin started walking home. He had to admit that he had a nice evening. Emma was a lot of fun, easy to talk to and despite his initial hesitation, she put him immediately at ease and the self-conscious feeling dissipated. Unfortunately, she also made him start thinking about something he had been avoiding since getting back to New York: Sam and their future together. The truth was he and Sam had never discussed their future because they were too engrossed in how to make it work in the present.

As Martin walked he started thinking back to a session he had with Dr. Salinger back in Washington shortly before he left.

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"So, this woman you used to date wants to get back together?" Dr. Salinger asked in her ever so clinical tone.

"Yeah," Martin replied as he shifted in the chair.

Dr. Salinger propped her head up in her hands and asked, "And what do you want to do?"

Martin tilted his head and said, "If you had asked me that over two months ago I would have said that I absolutely would want Sam back, but now, I have so many doubts I just don't know."

"What are those doubts?"

"Um, well, it was not an easy relationship the first time around. It was almost bipolar –there were so many ups and downs." Martin confessed, voicing his inner doubts. "But when it was good it was really good. On the other hand, I felt like she was constantly pushing me away, that she didn't treat me the way I thought a woman should treat a boyfriend."

Dr. Salinger straightened her back and said, "Martin, I know it's cliché but people will never love you the way you want them to. Maybe it was hard for Sam to express herself."

Martin shrugged and replied, "I don't know. It never seemed like she had a hard time expressing herself when she was angry."

Dr. Salinger decided to leave his comment alone and said, "Well, this is one doubt, what are the others?"

"It's hard to articulate. More like just a feeling, an anxiety."

Dr. Salinger scrutinized him for a moment before saying, "Martin, I think you know what those doubts are. I think you are just afraid to say them." She reached into her desk drawer and pulled out a notebook handing it to Martin. "Tell you what I want you to do. Make a list of the pros and cons of getting back together with Samantha."

"You want me to make a list?" Martin looked at her incredulous as he took the notebook. "You're kidding right?"

"I know it sounds silly but it really is an effective tool. It allows you to write down things that maybe you would not want to say aloud." Martin continued to look at her skeptically. "It doesn't matter how much you write but I think it might help you focus those 'doubts' that you have."

Shrugging Martin accepted his task.

Martin procrastinated doing his 'homework' until the night before his follow-up session with Dr. Salinger. Drinking a beer, Martin sat on the deck of the Murieanne and tried to start the list. He felt ridiculous. How could he list his and Sam's relationship on paper? He sat there concentrating on what words to use and slowly he started writing things down. He started with the pros: he cared about her a lot, she was smart, could be unexpectedly funny, sexy,... Martin continued writing and before he knew it he had filled an entire page of pros and cons.

The next day, he showed his list to Dr. Salinger who sat quietly reading it over. Martin sat there trying to read her reactions to what he had written but being a psychiatrist she was a very difficult text – even by a federal agent.

At long last she spoke up, "So, how did you feel when you read over the list?"

Martin wrung his hands together before softly replying, "Good actually."

"That is good." She pulled out the list and laid it on the coffee table between them. "I'd like to talk about some of the things you wrote. The first thing you wrote on the 'Con' side was 'family'. Can you explain that to me?"

Martin stood up and walked to the window. He couldn't believe he'd written that down as the first thing but once he had started writing stuff down it was the first thing that popped into his head. "About a year before we started seeing each other she had told me that she never wanted to get married or have kids." He picked up a framed photo of who he assumed was Dr. Salinger's grandson. "I never really thought about it when we started doing whatever it was we were doing but now, after all that has happened, I guess I've realized how important family is to me. That I want to be a father someday."

"And you don't think that is what Samantha wants?" Dr. Salinger asked softly.

"Based on what she said, no."

"Okay, well, that is something you definitely need to think about. But you know, since that was over two years ago it is possible that her feelings have changed since then."

Martin turned to look at Dr. Salinger, "Do you think that's possible?"

"Anything's possible. I think that maybe when you talk to her again you need to discuss this. It is a rather large issue to ignore."

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By the time Martin arrived at his apartment the only thing he could focus on was how well things were going between him and Sam. He knew that he had to talk to her about the future but he also knew he was scared to know what the answer might be.