Alf-A Flight
"So much for us getting the hang of this thing," Scott grumbled as he got up from the floor. "Where are we now?"
"It looks like we're in a spaceship of some kind," Hank rubbed his head. He looked out a window. "Circling the Earth. Oh my…"
"Nice view," Pietro said as he looked.
"I've always wanted to go into outer space but this is like totally nuts," Kitty said.
"The Earth sure is pretty from up here," Todd whistled. "This is so cool being in a spaceship."
"Toad," Kurt groaned. "You've been in a spaceship before. Remember?"
"Oh yeah…" Todd remembered. He started bopping his head. "Come Fly With Me…let's fly away…"
"Why are you singing?" Scott asked him.
"I dunno," Todd shrugged. "For some reason that song got stuck in my head all of the sudden."
"Before we get off track even further, don't you think it's a good idea to find out who's spaceship we've landed on?" Althea asked.
"That's easy lassie, it's ours!" An Irish voice said.
They turned around and to their shock came face to face with aliens. Aliens dressed a lot like the X-Men. Aliens that were dressed like the X-Men and had more than an uncanny resemblance to Alf.
"Guys…" Lance blinked. "Are you seeing what I'm seeing or did I just go completely nuts?"
"Yes to both questions," Scott said. "But you are definitely not seeing things."
"I think we just got stuck in a weird 80's comic book," Althea blinked.
"All right who are you bozos?" One gruff Alf clone wearing a white and yellow football uniform with a yellow helmet that had an X on top snapped. "You wanna fight? I'll give you a fight like the New Melmac Patriots at Super Duper Bowl 245! The score was 34 to 23 and…"
"Could you please put that on hold for a minute Michigan Wolverine?" An Alf in a Cyclops costume groaned.
"Look we're not here to fight," Jean held up her hand. "We just kind of accidentally stumbled onto your spaceship after a mishap with a dimensional transporter."
"Oh is that all?" A silver looking Colossus Alf groaned.
"Uh, I'm Scott, that's Jean," Scott introduced them. "That's Kurt, Kitty, Wanda, Pietro, Lance, Hank, Althea and Toad."
"Todd," Todd glared at him. "My name is Todd, but everybody calls me Toad. However I'd wish they'd give me the chance to say that."
"Sorry," Scott grumbled.
"Nobody ever calls me Todd…" Todd grumbled.
"I call you Todd," Althea said.
"Well nobody besides you Sweetums," Todd corrected. "Everybody else seems to forget my name!"
"I said I was sorry!" Scott snapped. "Can we find out where we are now and who these…People are?"
"We are the Uncanned X-Melmen," The Alf clone in the Cyclops costume sniffed. "Melmutants with tragic lives and tragic pasts, forced to live in a world that hates and fears us. And then that world that hated and feared us blew up into itty bitty bits. KA- BOOM! Now we have nowhere to live, no home for our very own, no refuge from the elements…"
"And no bloody peace and quiet from Psyche-Major's constant whining!" The Rogue Alf in a green and black costume with an Irish accent snapped. "Dark Kleenex he's your boyfriend! Can't you shut his trap?"
"I've tried, Brogue." Dark Kleenex, the female Alf clone with long red hair and a green and gold uniform with a gold sash around the waist groaned. "But not even my Ultimate Kleenex blasts can stop him. And don't think I haven't used it on him!"
"Let me try something," The Alf Clone that looked exactly like Kurt (except that his tail looked like a three pronged fork at the end.) spoke. Suddenly a phone appeared in his hand. "Psyche! This is Nightcaller speaking! I have your therapist on the line!"
CLICK!
"Hmm, he hung up," Nightcaller blinked.
"This is too screwed up for words…" Kurt groaned.
"Snott Honey," Dark Kleenex put her hands on her sobbing boyfriend's shoulders. "I love you but right now I need you to put a sock in it. We have guests."
"Snott?" Todd snickered. "He, he…"
"I don't think anybody named Toad has the right to criticize anyone's name!" Scott glared at him.
"Sorry," Psyche-Major calmed down. "It's just that all that angst gets to me."
"Everything gets to you!" Brogue snapped. "You can't even open up a bloody can of tuna without going to pieces!"
"But those poor little fish giving their lives so that we can eat," Psyche-Major sniffed. "Not to mention those poor dolphins caught in those nets…"
"We eat dolphin free tuna you moron," Michigan Wolverine snapped. "In fact its not even real tuna. It's that fake stuff they make out of farm raised fish."
"All those poor fishermen out of work…" Psyche-Major began to sniffle again.
"Let me introduce ourselves," Dark Kleenex said. "Since our so called leader is falling to pieces again for the fifth time this afternoon. I'm Dark Kleenex, in addition to telepathy and telekinesis I'm in possession of the powerful Kleenex Force."
"Sounds like a cheap knock off of what Jean's got," Pietro pointed at Jean.
"Do you want to be fish fry?" Dark Kleenex flamed up in anger.
"No…" Pietro gulped, hiding behind Wanda. "I'll be good."
"Give me a break," Wanda rolled her eyes.
"This is my boyfriend Psyche-Major," Dark Kleenex continued. "He has powerful nose blasts and the uncanny ability to whine about anything."
"In other words apart from the nose thing he's just like our Cyclops," Lance smirked. Scott glared at him.
"I'm Brogue," She waved. "I'm super strong, super fast in the air and I'm super Irish."
"And she has a super thick head," Michigan Wolverine snorted.
"Says the melmutant whose only power is to quote endless football statistics," Brogue glared at him.
"It's a useful power!" Michigan Wolverine snapped.
"Aye, useful for boring people to death!" Brogue growled.
"Comrades please," The Colossus type Alf groaned. "I am Molossus; I can turn my body into semi solid sugar."
"And that's useful how?" Pietro asked.
"Pietro, shut up," Wanda glared at him. "Maybe he can slow down that motor mouth of yours!"
"Ha! I'd like to see him…" Pietro laughed when suddenly a huge silver goop hit him square in the mouth. "HMMMMMPPHHH!"
"Boy that is a useful power," Todd snickered as Pietro tried to get the silver molasses off his face.
"I'm Nightcaller. I can make a phone appear and get a call through to anyone at any time, anywhere," The Kurt Alf grinned.
"Interesting power," Kurt blinked.
"Hey you'd be surprised how much we save on our phone bills," Nightcaller shrugged.
"I'm Haagen-Dazzler," A blonde Alf clone in a blue outfit with a gold star in the front said. "I can create huge chunks of ice cream."
"Not to mention huge clouds of makeup," Michigan Wolverine grumbled. "You should see her in the mornings!"
"And that's our little group here," Dark Kleenex told them.
"So have you hooked up with Gordon Shumway recently?" Todd asked. "Did he ever return to being the Fantastic Fur?"
"No he's a talk show host on Earth now," Michigan Wolverine shrugged. "Not that I blame him. It's a pretty sweet gig."
"Gordon Shumway?" Jean asked. "Who is Gordon Shumway?"
"Alf duh," Todd rolled his eyes.
"Yeah even I knew that," Wanda said. "And this is from a woman who spent a lot of time in solitary confinement."
"How did you know that?" Scott asked him.
"I watched a lot of Alf reruns when I was a kid," Todd shrugged. "Or were they pirated videos? Oh well…I definitely remember reading a lot of the comics."
"Really?" Wanda said. "They had a lot of Alf comics in the asylum too. For some reason it made a lot of the patients even worse."
"For a few issues Alf took on the identity of a crime fighter called the Fantastic Fur," Todd explained. "Hey he even joined up with the X-Melmen a couple of times."
"Are you saying we are floating in space with a group of comic book characters?" Kitty blinked. "Okay that's just plain weird."
"Oh and jumping around other dimensions is normal?" Haagen Dazzler asked.
"You have a point," Kitty shrugged. "So what's going on? I mean why are you guys orbiting the planet earth instead of living on it?"
"We're on a rescue mission," Brogue told them. "We were already lost in space when we came upon our former team mate Haagen Dazzler in a disabled spaceship."
"You see right before our planet exploded, I and my new group Maxx Factor paid a visit to Professor Xylophone," Haagen Dazzler explained. "To show him our new spaceship. Let's just say it was a lucky break."
"Wait your planet exploded?" Kitty asked.
"Yes that was how Alf ended up on Earth," Todd groaned. "Get with the program Kitty!"
"Well excuse me for not ever seeing the show!" Kitty retorted.
"Anyway," Haagen Dazzler sighed. "We roamed the universe for a while until we ended at Earth. Just then we were attacked by another melmutant named Magmeato and his henchwoman Emma Defrost."
"Mag-meato?" Lance asked.
"He has the power to attract and manipulate meat," Psyche-Major snorted. "And the Professor never goes anywhere without a huge supply of barbecue ribs in the freezer."
"O-kay," Lance blinked.
"Long story short, I managed to escape but the Professor and the rest of my team are still stuck with Magmeato," Haagen Dazzler explained. "We were just trying to figure out what the best plan of attack was when you arrived. Any questions?"
"Yeah I got one," Lance held up his hand. "If all of you are back here, who's flying this thing?"
"Relax," Michigan Wolverine held up his hand. "Psyche's got it on cruise control."
"Oh boy," Psyche-Major blinked. "I knew there was something I forgot to do!"
"Well that explains why we're about to crash into the moon," Todd looked out the window.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Everyone screamed as the moon seemed to rush towards them.
"WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE'RE GONNA DIE!" Psyche-Major ran around screaming.
"Like Mel we are!" Dark Kleenex focused her powers.
"I'll help too!" Jean focused on her telekinesis on the ship.
"I'll pilot the ship!" Brogue knocked Psyche-Major out of the way and made her way to the controls. The three of them managed to get the ship away from the moon and back on course.
"Once again the girls have to save the day," Brogue snorted. "That's like what? Three hundred and seventy two times?"
"You don't have to rub it in," Michigan Wolverine grumbled.
"I feel sick…" Lance moaned.
"That was some mighty impressive power," Dark Kleenex said to Jean. "Hey I know we've just met and all but would you guys mind giving us a hand to get our Professor back?"
"Why not?" Jean shrugged. "You don't mind do you guys?"
"We're here anyway," Kurt admitted.
"Yeah this should be fun," Althea said.
"We'll think of it as a training mission without the training," Todd nodded.
"Besides, something tells me these guys are going to need all the help they can get," Scott groaned as he saw Psyche-Major blubbering on the floor in a fetal position.
Half an hour later…
"We're approaching the Arctic," Psyche-Major told the mutants as he piloted the ship. "This is the place."
"This better be the place after checking out nearly every other cold place on the planet!" Scott snapped.
"Geography was my worst subject in school," Haagen Dazzler snapped as she powdered her huge nose. "Sue me!"
"Let me guess, you spent more time applying makeup than doing homework?" Scott gave her a look.
"How did you guess?" Haagen Dazzler blinked.
"You say that like it's a bad thing," Pietro blinked.
"I'm not going to ask…" Scott groaned. "I'm not going to ask."
"Oh school days," Psyche-Major started to blubber again. "Those wonderful days when I was a young lad. Before I knew I was a melmutant. I was just a normal kid getting picked on by bullies, thrown into the dumpster every afternoon by the principal who was bored, wanting some girl, any girl to like me instead of sicking rabid squirrels on me…"
"I can't wait to get out of this dimension," Scott groaned.
"I'm rather enjoying it," Lance snickered.
"It must be pretty disturbing for all of ye," Brogue said to the mutants. "Traveling around from dimension to dimension seeing all different versions of yourselves."
"Not half as disturbing as listening to Michigan Wolverine talk about football without stopping," Wanda said. "A padded room and a straightjacket never looked so appealing."
"We're talking about one for Michigan Wolverine right?" Psyche-Major sniffed.
"Actually you could use one for yourself," Brogue grumbled. "Psyche you're getting your tears all over the console again! Last time you did that the whole bloody thing…"
FIZZLE! SNAP! CRACKE! POP!
"Shorted out…" Brogue blinked as a small fire popped up before her eyes. "There goes our insurance."
"We're going to crash aren't we?" Scott sighed.
"Yes, yes we are," Brogue sighed. "Commence screaming in five, four, three, two…"
"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Everyone screamed as the ship crashed straight into a huge glacier.
A lone Alf clone wearing a Magneto costume stood on top of a fortress and watched the crash. "So much for the rescue party," He chuckled. "I didn't even need to turn on the tractor beam!"
With a flourish Magmeato returned into the fortress. Inside was a bald Alf clone in a wheelchair fitted with a xylophone inside a glowing cell. "Well Professor Xylophone it seems that your students are now permanently on ice," He grinned. "And with them out of the picture I am free once again to take over the world."
"Oh put in a sock in it," Professor Xylophone snapped. "Your plan to hold the world's meat supply hostage will never work."
"How did you know I was going to do that?" Magmeato gasped. "You can't read my mind thanks to my helmet!"
"You forget old friend I know you too well," Professor Xylophone told him. "Besides, that's the only plan you ever use! I mean come on! Would it kill you to think of something original for a change?"
"Oh shut up," Magmeato snarled.
"I mean it was bad enough you used the same tactic year after year on Melmac," Professor Xylophone went on. "The least you can do when you get to a new planet is to think of a new scheme!"
"Just shut up," Magmeato growled.
"It's just plain lazy not to think of a new plan!" Professor Xylophone. "I mean plans for world domination can't be that hard to think up! I've known three year olds that could come up with better ones!"
"Why are you not shutting up?" Magmeato snapped. "I am your captor! You are my prisoner. You have to do what I say! And I am saying SHUT UP!"
"I mean even those bad Sixties cartoons were more interesting," Professor Xylophone continued.
"He still doesn't shut up," Magmeato groaned. "You're just jealous that I still have my hair!"
"I am not," Professor Xylophone bristled.
"Are too!"
"Are not!"
"Are too!"
"Are not!"
"ARE TOO!"
"AM NOT!"
"ARE TOO INFINITY!"
"ARE NOT INFINITY PLUS INFINITY!"
"ARE TOO INFINITY PLUS INFINITY TIMES INFINIITY!"
"ARE NOT INFINITY PLUS INFINITY TIMES INFINITY DIVIDED BY INFINITY MINUS NEGATIVE INFINITY SEVEN PLUS INVINITY SQUARED MULTIPLIED TO INFINITY TRIPLED!" Professor Xylophone shouted back. "Besides it's a bad haircut anyway."
"It is not!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"PROVE IT!"
"All right I'll…" Magmeato was about to remove his helmet and stopped just in time. "Oh you…Nice try! But that's not gonna work on me! A pathetic tactic like that would only work on someone with half a brain!"
"Well no wonder it didn't work on you." Professor Xylophone remarked as Magmeato walked away.
"Exactly! WAIT A MINUTE!" Magmeato whirled on him. "WHY YOU…"
"Darling don't let that old goat get your goat," A blonde Alf clone in a sexy white outfit slunk in. "He's just trying to make you angry."
"Well he's succeeding!" Magmeato snapped.
"Now, now, let dear Emma Defrost make it all better," She patted him on his shoulders. "I mean lets face it Darling, you've won. He's just a sore loser. I mean let's take stock of the situation. We are already at twenty five percent of our meat gathering goal, we have our fortress and what does he have? A stupid xylophone and a cell."
"It's quite a nice xylophone actually," Professor Xylophone huffed. "I mean just because I'm not tone deaf like some melmutants…"
"DO YOU SEE?" Magmeato pointed. "DO YOU SEE WHAT I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH?"
"Darling, focus," Emma took his face in her hands. "Look, the remaining members of Maxx Factor are locked up below. And all his other students are dead or at the very least frozen food."
Meanwhile at the lowest level of the fortress…
"We made it!" Kurt groaned as a huge hole opened within the wall. "Thanks Cyclops and Psyche-Major creating a tunnel under the ice to get us out!"
"Why are you thanking him for?" Brogue pointed at Psyche-Major. "He crashed the ship in the first place!"
"Yeah once again it was up to Jean and me to save our butts," Dark Kleenex grumbled.
"Let's hurry up before we freeze our butts solid," Todd shivered.
"Quit whining Toad," Kurt grumbled.
"Hey not all of us have a built in fur coat you know?" Todd snapped. "And amphibians aren't exactly winter fans either!"
"Where are we?" Althea asked.
"Look!" Haagen Dazzler pointed to three female Alf clones shacked to the wall. "It's the girls of Maxx Factor!"
"It's about time you got here!" A female Alf clone with green hair said. "My arms are killing me! Not to mention these inhibitor cuffs are chafing!"
"Not a problem," Kitty used her powers to phase them out of their shackles. "You okay?"
"Fine," Another female Alf Clone with dark hair nodded. "Who are you?"
"Ladies meet the X-Men and Misfits," Haagen Dazzler explained. "Why don't you introduce yourselves."
"I'm Pole-Laris," The first female Alf Clone with green hair and a green uniform spoke. "I can create a pole any size any length out of energy!"
"I'm Juju Bees," A long dark haired female Alf clone said. She was wearing a yellow raincoat and yellow uniform with black stripes that reminded them of a bumble bee. "I have the power to create candy!"
"I'm Shadow Catcall!" A female Alf clone with short brown hair and a black uniform told them. "I have the power to call on an army of cats from thin air."
"Some crack team you have here," Pietro snickered. "No wonder you guys got captured! You ladies must have the lamest powers ever!"
Todd turned his head. "Even I can tell what's coming next."
"TWEEET!" Shadow Catcall blew a whistle. A dozen cats popped out of nowhere and tackled Pietro.
"AAAH! GET 'EM OFF! GET 'EM OFF!" Pietro tried frantically to get them off his body. "THEY'RE CLAWING ME! THEY'RE CLAWING ME!"
Juju Bees then used her powers. "Have some jelly beans!" The jelly beans scattered to the floor which Pietro slipped and fell on them.
"And last but not least," Pole-Laris created a very heavy short pole and began to whack Pietro with it.
"Yup that was pretty predictable," Todd sighed. "Can I try?"
"Me first!" Wanda shoved Todd aside.
"Why not?" Pole-Laris made another pole. "Help yourself!"
"Uh as much as I'd love to stand here all day watching Quicksilver getting the stuffing beat out of him," Kitty interrupted. "Shouldn't we be like rescuing your Professor first?"
"Oh yeah," Shadow Catcall thought.
"We forgot," Juju Bees thought.
"All right now here's the plan," Scott told them. "If we follow it we can pull off a quick organized rescue."
Ten minutes later…
"FIRE! FIRE!" Nightcaller screamed as the fortress was filled with flame. He used his powers to create a phone. "FIRE DEPARTMENT! FIRE DEPARTMENT!"
"MEOW!" Several cats ran amok.
"AAAAAHHHHH!" Michigan Wolverine skated across the floor slipping on jelly beans.
"WAAAAHHHHH!" Psyche-Major was crying and blasting everything in sight with his nostril blasts.
"PSYCHE YOU NEARLY BLEW MY HEAD OFF YOU BLOODY FREAK!" Brogue shouted as she flew around trying to dodge the blasts.
"YEOW! SNOTT!" Dark Kleenex felt a powerful zap on her behind and was flung headfirst into a wall.
"CALL NINE ONE ONE!" Nightcaller screamed into the phone as a cat clung onto his tail. "NOT TO MENTION ANIMAL CONTROL!"
"WHOA! WHOA!" Professor Xylophone spun around and around on the floor sliding on the jelly beans as well. His xylophone was making a funny sliding noise as well.
"Uh Comrades," Molossus was stuck inside a block of ice cream. "Little help!"
"Way to go boss!" Pole-Laris tried to unstuck him with a pole.
"So my aim's a bit off!" Haagen Dazzler groaned. "SUE ME!"
"AAAAHHH!" Magmeato skated across the floor as well. "EMMA STOP THIS CRAZY THING!"
"OW! FIRE HOT! FIRE VERY HOT!" Michigan Wolverine screamed.
Meanwhile the X-Men and Misfits stood to the side watching the chaos. "So much for an organized rescue," Jean groaned.
"Well we are not responsible for this!" Wanda folded her arms.
"I don't think any one of us could be held accountable for this disaster!" Hank groaned.
"Okay let's make a deal," Scott said. "We were never here and we never saw these people."
"I'm willing to agree to that," Lance winced. "Is it me or is the floor melting?"
"Oh boy…" Hank noticed that it was. "I believe it is. Time to leave?"
"Yeah these nuts are beyond help," Wanda said as she turned on the IM NUTS Machine. They teleported just before the entire floor melted away.
"Great idea Emma!" Magmeato snapped as he struggled to stay afloat. "Using your secondary mutation to melt everything, including the floor! THE FLOOR WAS MADE OF ICE! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"
"BITE ME!" Emma floundered in the icy water. "AT LEAST I PUT THE FIRE OUT!"
"In retrospect maybe founding the Uncanned X-Melmen was not the smartest thing I have ever done," Professor Xylophone sighed.
"No, really? You think?" Dark Kleenex snapped.
"Hello, Coast Guard?" Nightcaller spoke in his phone as he tried to swim. "HELP!"
"SAVE ME! SAVE ME!" Michigan Wolverine floundered.
"I will!" Brogue flew over him. "Just as soon as you admit that you're a Notre Dame fan!"
"Okay everybody climb on the ice cream!" Haagen Dazzler cried as she floated on a huge pile of ice cream.
"Oh that's smart," Juju Bees snapped. "Get out of the freezing cold water by climbing onto a freezing melting ice cream float!"
"I wanna be leader now!" Shadow Catcall snapped. "I HATE GETTING WET!"
"Meow! Meow!" Several cats were all over the place on little ice flows trying not to get wet.
"Glub…Glub…" Molossus was going down for the count.
"Oh alas! What a tragic fate Professor!" Psyche-Major wailed. "Just as we find each other we sink to a watery grave!"
"Yes Snott, so please stop adding to the volume of water unless you want us to drown faster!" Professor Xylophone snapped.
"Hello? Employment agency?" Nightcaller spoke into the phone. "I want to change careers!"
Yup there really was a group called the Uncanned X-Melmen in the Alf comics and they were a blast! Of course I made up the last three members of Maxx Factor. Hey some of you wanted to see something with one of the comic versions so there it is! Careful what you wish for!