Chapter 29: Time

It was completely silent as Derek held Meredith in his arms. They just woke up and barely said good morning to each other. She was obviously still upset about what happened with Dawsyn before the trip. Now, Meredith was even quieter after Derek told her that he loved her. Dawsyn was supposed to be home tomorrow, and Derek could feel Meredith getting nervous.

"Do you want some coffee or something?" Derek whispered.

"No."

"A bagel...toast...anything?"

"I'm not hungry." She whispered; their naked bodies still entangled from the night before.

"Okay." He sighed, kissing the top of her head.

"I like your land."

"I'm glad...It's...peaceful out here."

"Yeah..." Meredith whispered.

"Did you sleep okay?" Derek asked.

"Yeah, I did."

"Good..."

"Hmm..."

"Do you wanna talk?"

"About what?"

"Us...Dawsyn..."

"No I'm fine." Meredith said, as he held her close.

"You sure?" Derek whispered.

"I'm fine."

"I want to talk about us..."

"You want...what?"

"I want to talk about us." He repeated.

"Oh..." Meredith whispered. "Well, I have to work tonight so maybe..."

"Mer..."

"We could talk when I get off."

"Why not right now?"

"I just...we just woke up."

"We can't...I can't put this off longer, Mer." Derek breathed.

"Put what off? There isn't anything to put off."

"Talking about us."

"We talked about us that one time and we decided there wasn't an us."

"That was a long time ago."

"No, it was like...a month and a half or something...not that long ago." Meredith sat up quickly. "We talked and we decided."

"You decided..."

"No we decided."

"Meredith..."

"What?" Meredith groaned.

"I want this...us...to be something." Derek said.

"But..."

"But what?"

"We agreed."

"That was almost two months ago."

"We haven't known each other that long Derek."

"Can I ask you something?"

"What?" Meredith rolled her eyes, pulling away from him.

"Where is this going?" Derek asked.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Are we going anywhere...or is this just sex? Because I can't...I can't do that anymore. I told you how I feel about you..."

"Derek..."

"I have to know this, Meredith." Derek breathed.

"I told you that I couldn't...and now you're doing this and it's really soon..."

"So...what does this mean?"

"It means...I don't know."

"Do you want me to walk away?" He whispered.

"You...walk away?"

"Is that what you want?"

"Derek...I don't know."

"If that's what you want..." Derek whispered. "I'll walk away...I don't want to push you into something. I told you how I feel...and now...It's up to you."

"Derek." Meredith frowned, shaking her head a little. "I don't...I like this...I like you...but this is happening really fast, and I don't want you to walk away but this...it's soon."

"I like this too..."

"But you want things."

"I want you."

"But you want me to want things."

"I want to be with you, Meredith." Derek explained.

"I know...it's just...this is all a whirlwind and fast and I've never...I don't think I've ever been with anyone even this long."

"I guess what I'm asking you..." Derek said, taking a deep breath. "Are we together?"

"I...I don't know."

"You don't know..."

"I just...I've never done this and we had an agreement and I like you...really like you."

"I really like you too." He smiled.

"I told you...I like sleeping with you, kissing you, staying the night, and spending time together...and talking but...I don't know what else..."

"All those things...the sleeping together...kissing...spending the night…and spending time...That's a relationship."

"No...no it's not." Meredith frowned.

"It is..."

"We don't...you don't call me your girlfriend so that's not..."

"I want to call you my girlfriend." Derek whispered, kissing the top of her head.

"Oh God..."

"Why is that a bad thing?"

"I just...I've never done this before."

"That's okay..."

"You just...I've never done this, and you want things...big things and I've never done this." Meredith kept her distance. "And I'm a dirty..."

"Don't." Derek whispered. "I want to be with you...That's all there is to it."

"What happens when people ask you...who her father is, and you have to tell them I was a whore."

"I'll them that it doesn't matter."

"It does and it matters to Daws."

"She'll understand as she grows up."

"You don't actually know that." Meredith whispered.

"Meredith, my father died when I was a kid...I know what it's like not to have your dad in your life. I promise you, she'll understand." Derek explained.

"Okay...let me ask you this."

"What?"

"Are you okay with the fact that I've slept with more men than I can actually count and that I was so slutty that I don't know my baby's dad?"

"If I wasn't, would I be here right now?"

"Maybe I'm not okay with that."

"Not okay with me being okay with it?"

"I'm not okay with what I did."

"Would it help if I told you that I wasn't exactly a virgin while I was in college?"

"How old were you when you lost it?"

"Seventeen."

"Oh...that's..."

"Jessica DiLoren." Derek chuckled.

"I was fourteen."

"I don't care about that Mer." He whispered.

"To Hudson Crawler...he was a badass."

"Sounds like it."

"Then, he locked me in his basement...with the rest of his bandmates."

"Locked you in the basement?" Derek frowned.

"I was drunk and he was...that doesn't matter but the Friday after we...you know he asked me over and got me drunk and locked me downstairs with three guys."

"Meredith..." Derek breathed, pulling her back into his arms.

"It's not a big deal...I wouldn't have remembered but I woke up and they were all passed out...it's not really a big deal I just...I thought you should know I'm not...It was really bad."

"That was in your past..." Derek whispered, lifting her chin to look at him. "You can't change that...What you can change is now...you do here with me and your daugther. It's your choice now."

"I just don't want you to think I'm this great thing. I could mess this up."

"So could I."

"You're going to drag me into this kicking and screaming, aren't you?"

"You better believe it." He smiled.

"Hmm..."

"So what do you say?"

"I um...if I say I don't want to define us...to be in a relationship you'll walk away?"

"I...I don't know."

"But I don't know..."

"I'm just asking for a chance..." Derek breathed.

"You're...can we just not talk about this?" She asked, tears in her eyes.

"Just give me a chance. Please." He whispered.

"I don't know how."

"You're already doing it...You just have to say it."

"Derek..."

"Please."

"Are you going to walk away?"

"I don't know."

"Tell me if you're going to walk away."

"I can't." He whispered.

"Then I can't tell you." Meredith whispered, looking away from him. "I've never done this but I'm pretty sure two and a half months is a little soon."

"I can't walk away."

"What?"

"I can't walk away from you, Meredith."

"You could...you could walk away, find someone who is amazing, smart, and a good mom. A woman who wouldn't have sex with a man, get pregnant, and not remember who it was."

"You're amazing, smart, and a good Mom. I'm in love with you...I can't leave you. I need you to tell me if you want something from this because if you don't...tell me and I'll stop trying."

"I just want time."

"Time..."

"I just need time with you." Meredith whispered. "We made an agreement."

"We have time." Derek breathed.

"I just want to know that everything's okay...that Daws and I are okay before I jump into saying...what you want me to say."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah...Okay."

"Thank you." She whispered, smiling weakly.

"You're welcome." He sighed, kissing her forehead.

"It's just...I think...I might love you too and I like you...I don't want to lose you but it's early still and Dawsyn...I have to figure that out."

"Alright."

"Hmm."

"We don't have to talk anymore."

"Okay." She whispered, before smiling slightly. "Good things come to those who wait, ya know?"

"Yeah..." Derek smiled.

"I just want to know I'm doing what's right for Dawsyn too..."

"I know...I respect that."

"Thank you." Meredith whispered.

"I'm still in love with you." He whispered.

"I feel bad for you." She giggled weakly.

"I don't." He laughed. "Not at all..."

"Hmm..." Meredith hummed, lying back down with him. She wanted to say things, she really wanted to, but she couldn't. She felt that way, the special way where she wanted to tell him that she just loved him, but she couldn't. It was so soon; she had a daughter. It was so big, she just needed to know it was okay to love him.