Fun For Young And Old
"Well this is certainly different," Lance looked around. They were in a cheerful looking house. "I wonder where we are this time?"
"Thank God!" Mystique appeared dressed in a black and white nanny outfit. "I thought you'd never get here! The kids are in there in the back! I'll be back in a few months!" She ran out the door with a suitcase in hand.
"Kids?" Scott blinked.
"Months?" Lance asked.
"Oh my…" Hank blinked as they went back and opened the door. Inside was a colorful nursery and in it were dozens of baby mutants that looked very familiar.
ZZAP! ZAP!
"This is so not going to be easy," Kitty groaned as she saw a Baby Scott happily blast holes in the walls.
"POW! POW!" Baby Scott shouted happily.
"Aww, aren't they cute?" Althea tickled the chin of Baby Todd.
"Not really," Wanda winced as she saw a baby Kurt puke on the floor.
"They remind me way too much of that Avalanche of Avalanches that invaded the mansion," Scott shuddered. "OW! HE BIT ME!"
"He he he," Baby Lance complete with a cute mullet snickered by Scott's leg.
"Good boy," Lance said cheerfully and ruffled the baby's hair. "Who's a good boy? OW!"
"He he," Baby Peter, in full armored form laughed by Lance's leg.
"Why you little…," Lance growled.
"Don't even think about it Lance!" Kitty grabbed Baby Peter and held him.
"Life is so unfair," Lance groaned.
"Tell me about it," Kurt grumbled as Baby Kitty in her pink rompers was chomping on his tail. "Baby Kitty! My tail is not a chewing toy!"
"DIE! DIE! DIE!" Baby Logan and Baby Sabertooth were rolling around trying to kill each other.
"Da! Da! Da!" Baby Quicksilver crawled around at lightning speed.
"BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!" Baby Tabitha was making several large energy bombs and blowing toys up. "BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!"
"BARK! BARK!" A small wolf cub that was obviously a Baby Rahne ran around tugging at blankets.
Baby Amara, Baby Roberto and Baby Angelica laughed as they burned several other toys. Baby Pyro made a little dragon which was put out by Baby Althea and a glass of water. Baby Rogue was twirling around one of the cribs using her super strength. Baby Remy was trying to steal from the toy chest. Baby Wanda was making toys fly around and attack Baby Jean who in turn used her own powers to attack back.
Meanwhile Baby Ororo was happily zapping random mutants with her lightning. Baby Ray was zapping back. Baby Bobby was making snowballs and ice all over the dressers. Baby Jubilee was making sparks. Baby Sammy was zooming all over the place crashing into the walls. Baby Freddy was eating pudding by the caseload. Baby Evan was throwing spikes on the walls. A blue furred Hank and Kurt were climbing the walls. Baby Magneto was zooming around with Baby Xavier who was sitting in a stroller. And a Baby Xi was going wild eating chocolate chip cookies.
In short, the entire room was filled with chaos. "Guys what do we do?" Wanda asked.
"We'd better round them up and try to calm them down," Scott told them.
"Are you nuts?" Kurt looked at him. "These babies are out of control!"
"Look I'm sure we can handle it," Jean said.
"Candy," Baby Jean crawled up to her and tugged at her pants leg. "Candy!"
"No, no candy sweetie," Jean said nicely.
"Candy!" Baby Kurt said.
"No, no candy," Jean told them. "You can't have any."
"You will give us candy…Lots and lots of candy…" A telepathic message was heard.
"Nice try Xavier but you can't force us to give you candy," Jean groaned.
"Wanna bet?" Baby Xavier made an evil grin.
Twenty five minutes later…
RRRUMMMBLE!
"BABY LANCE PLEASE STOP MAKING EARTHQUAKES! YOU'LL TEAR THE PLACE APART!" Kitty pleaded.
"Stop pulling my hair!" Jean screamed as Baby Logan grabbed onto her. "OW!"
"Will you give us candy now?" Baby Xavier asked.
"NO!" Jean snapped. "OW!"
"GET OFF ME YOU LITTLE…." Wanda's hands were tied with jump rope and she was being ridden by Baby Kurt and Baby Kitty.
"AAAHHHH!" Pietro was being kicked around by Baby Rogue like a ball. "WANDA STOP THIS CRAZY BABY!"
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Scott was flying around the room. "PUT ME DOWN BABY JEAN! PUT ME DOWN!"
"FIRE! FIRE!" Todd ran around using his slime to try and put the flames out. The babies were going wild.
"Get away! Get away!" Kurt was trying to hide underneath an upturned play pen. Several babies were poking at him or using their powers to try and zap him. "OW! Baby Storm! That's not nice!"
"NO! NO BABY MAGNETO! THIS IS NOT A TOY!" Hank was desperately trying to get the IM NUTS machine away from Baby Magneto. He was taunting Hank by keeping the machine out of arm's length and flying it around.
"Candy! Candy! Candy!" Baby Magneto taunted.
"Okay how can there be a Baby Magneto if there's a Baby Wanda and a babyme running around?" Pietro stopped what he was doing and looked at the chaos. "That makes no sense!"
"Less talking! More putting the fires out!" Todd screamed as he ran past him.
"CANDY! CANDY! CANDY!" Baby Magneto chanted.
"Then again when does anything make sense around here?" Pietromoaned.
"CANDY! CANDY! CANDY!" The babies all cried out as one. "CANDY!"
"NO!" Jean shouted. "OW! OW! OW! STOP IT!"
"CANDY! CANDY! CANDY! CANDY!" The babies chanted. "CANDY! CANDY! CANDY! CANDY! CANDY! CANDY! CANDY! CANDY! CANDY!"
"YOU WANT CANDY? HERE'S CANDY! LOTS OF CANDY!" Lance ran in with Althea, their arms loaded with candy.
"CANDY!" The babies squealed and stopped tormenting the others. They leapt at the candy and started to devour it ravenously.
"Where did you get the candy?" Wanda asked as Althea untied her.
"In a huge storage bin with warning labels in the back yard," She told her. "Now run!"
"Quick!" Hank ordered as he grabbed the IM NUTS device. "Lock the door!"
Soon they were outside the room and Lance locked the door. "That should hold them for about thirty seconds!"
"Well at least this is one universe I know my sisters didn't show up in," Althea groaned.
"Are you crazy? How could you just give them candy?" Jean snapped.
"Didn't you see what was going on in there? They were kicking our butts!" Kurt snapped at her.
"We had to distract them long enough so we could escape to the next dimension," Althea agreed.
"But we can't just leave them!" Kitty protested.
"Oh yes we can!" Lance said. "They'll be fine!"
"Yeah but what about the rest of the inhabitants of this dimension?" Kurt quipped.
Just then a loud crash could be heard. They opened the door and saw the babies flying out in a modified crib. They winced as they heard the sound of lasers and babies laughing.
"They're on their own!" Hank told them as he grabbed the IM NUTS device and activated it.
Soon they were outside another Institute. "Okay this reality looks a little saner," Hank sighed.
"Look at this," Kurt pointed at the sign. It said XAVIER HOME FOR RETIRED MUTANTS. BEWARE OF CRANKY RESIDENTS.
"Vat is this? Visiting Day?"
They turned around and saw two much older versions of Toad and Nightcrawler. Very old. Toad's hair was gray and long, down to his knees and he was wearing a green sweater and track pants with sneakers. Nightcrawler's fur was slightly gray in patches and he was wearing glasses. He was wearing a blue track suit and a hearing aid. Both were wrinkled and looked about eighty years old.
"Holy crap," Old Toad grumbled. "What the hell is this?" (1)
"Do not tell me, let me guess," Old Nightcrawler sighed. "Inter dimensional travelers right?"
"Yeah, how did you know?" Kurt asked.
"We see them more than we see our kids and grandkids, the little ingrates," Old Nightcrawler grumbled.
"Personally I don't mind mine not showing up," Old Toad sighed. "I have over a hundred and eighty six grandkids and great grandkids and they all want money. I could use the peace and quiet. And so could my wallet."
"A hundred and eighty six….?" Todd's jaw dropped. "Holy crap!"
"Oh boy…" Althea blinked. "I don't want to think about it right now."
"In case you haven't figured it out by now young people this is where all the old X-Men, Brotherhood, Misfits, Acolytes and every other mutant weirdo retires after reaching a certain age," Old Nightcrawler told them. "It used to be a school but after the kids blew it up the seventeenth time…"
"It wasn't the seventeenth time you old fool," Old Toad told him. "It was the sixteenth! Then we decided we were all too old to put up with the kids' crap so we kicked them out and took over the joint. Then Cyclops got drunk again and blew the place up."
"Oh yeah," Old Nightcrawler remembered. "You think by then they would have learned to take away his golf cart privileges!"
"Speaking of which," Old Toad chuckled and pointed. "He's at it again!"
"HIT THE MONKEY! WIN A COOKIE!" An old bald Cyclops yelled as he tried to zap a few security guards as he drove around in a golf cart. "HA! HA! HA!"
"He's been a bit unhinged since Jean died that fiftieth time," Old Nightcrawler sighed. "Actually he started to come unglued during the forth time."
"EAT MY DUST FATSO! HAHAHAHAA!" Old Cyclops laughed maniacally as he tried to run a few orderlies over.
"And he went downhill since then," Old Toad sighed.
"What happened to my hair?" Scott gasped. "I mean his hair?"
"He tore it out after Jean died the seventh time and that Danger Room incident with the mongoose," Old Kurt shrugged. "Then he really started to lose it!"
"Speaking of losing it," Old Toad pointed. "Here comes the gruesome twosome!"
Around the corner walked much older versions of Lance and Kitty. Kitty's long gray hair was in a bun and she had a nice flowered dress on. Old Avalanche was wearing a tan sweater and stretchy tan pants and he had long gray hair. He was leaning on a cane to walk. Both were slightly overweight and bickering up a storm.
"It's a pot if you can boil an egg in it," Old Avalanche grunted.
"It's not a pot if it's less than three inches you jackass!" Old Shadowcat snapped.
"Oh no," Old Shadowcat moaned. "Not the Pot argument again! Let me turn my hearing aid off."
"Hey cool it you howler monkeys!" Old Toad snapped. "We have visitors!"
"Hello we're alternate versions of your younger selves," Hank waved. "No matter how many times and variations I say that it still sounds strange."
"Oh," Old Avalanche noticed Lance and Kitty. "Hey look Kit, us when we were kids. Boy that takes me back. To when I had a future."
"Remember Lance?" Old Shadowcat sighed. "When we were that young and in love? And stupid as hell?"
"Some of us are still stupid as hell," Old Avalanche made a face.
"Yes but enough about you," Old Shadowcat mocked back. She went up to Kitty. "Oh I'd forgotten how pretty I was."
"And I'd forgotten what I stud I used to be," Old Avalanche said proudly.
"More like a dud," Old Shadowcat grumbled. "But anyway I'm sure you kids would like some advice on your relationship right?"
"Well yeah, I guess so," Lance scratched his head. "If it would help."
"Oh well then let me give you some answers. Listen to me boy," Old Avalanche put his hands on Lance's shoulders. "Take my advice…RUN! GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!"
"What?" Lance gasped.
"For once the idiot knows what he's talking about!" Old Shadowcat turned to Kitty. "You! You're young! You have your whole life ahead of you! Don't waste it with this idiot!"
"Who are you calling an idiot, you old hag?" Old Avalanche snapped.
"You, obviously!" Old Shadowcat snapped. "See any other idiots around here? Well besides the kid…"
"Yeah well I'm not the one who was stupid enough to marry an idiot!" Old Avalanche pointed out. "So that makes you an even bigger idiot! Actually you're just bigger period!"
"I never would have if you hadn't knocked me up!" She shouted. "Having your demon spawn ruined my waistline!"
"Okay…" Lance blanched. "A little too much information here."
"I don't know what the hell I ever saw in you! You go nuts over the stupidest thing!" Old Avalanche snapped.
"How can anyone not go nuts with you for a husband?" Old Shadowcat snapped.
"Don't go nuts! Just go!" Old Avalanche shouted.
"Oh don't think I won't!" Old Shadowcat snarled. "One of these days…"
"Can it be today? Let it be today!" Old Avalanche threw up his hands. "I'll even help you pack!"
"I wish I married Colossus!" Old Shadowcat shouted back.
"I wish you married Colossus too!" Old Avalanche retorted. "I'm serving that guy's life sentence with no possibility for parole! If he wasn't dead I'd kill him!"
"Well being married to you has been killing me for forty years!" Old Shadowcat snapped. "In all that time we never had a decent conversation!"
"I didn't want to interrupt!" Old Avalanche snapped back.
"In all that time you never respected me! I am not just some trophy wife!" Old Shadowcat snarled.
"Trophy wife? What contest in Hell did I win?" Old Avalanche roared.
"Is it just me or is there a striking similarity in this universe to the Baby Universe we just left?" Hank sighed.
"Kitty listen to me," Old Shadowcat said. "You can do better than him! Listen to the little voice inside of you and it will tell you I'm right!"
"I used to listen to a little voice inside of me," Old Avalanche grumbled. "Now all I hear is a big voice!"
"You want a fat lip?" Old Shadowcat made a fist at her husband. "Or should I say a fatter lip?"
"Bring it on!" Old Avalanche raised his cane in anger. "I welcome death!"
A grey furred Beast wandered in wearing stretch pants and a cardigan sweater. "I'm hungry. Is it lunch yet? I want candy!"
"There is definitely a similarity to that last universe," Wanda groaned.
"Vat?" Old Nightcrawler fiddled with his hearing aid. "Vat did he say?"
"Will you fix that thing already?" Old Toad grumbled. "It's not like our grandkids are visiting."
"COOKIE! COOKIE!" Old Cyclops drove by again, a poor orderly holding on for dear life.
"Cookies? Where? Where are the cookies?" Old Beast lifted up his head.
"I could go for cookies," Old Toad said.
"Yeah let's go get some cookies," Old Nightcrawler said. "What were we talking about again?"
"I have seen the future and it's scaring the hell out of me," Scott blanched.
"Oh man I don't know which is a worse fate," Lance winced. "This or death by Sentinels!"
"Actually the Sentinels don't seem so bad right now," Scott admitted.
(1) In case you haven't figured it out, the elderly X-Men and Misfits section is filled with quotes from Everybody Loves Raymond. I love that show because sadly, it reminds me exactly of my family. I have relatives who sound and act like the Barones. Yeah scary isn't it? Next some really weird realties! As if we haven't seen enough of them!