And The Weirdness Just Keeps On Coming
"Okay this reality is really screwed up," Scott groaned as he stood shivering on the ice flow. "I guess global warming never happened in this world."
"We're just lucky we were able to start a fire with your optic blasts and some frozen branches," Althea warmed her hands by the fire.
"And we met some really friendly penguins," Todd grinned as he hugged two penguins close to his body. There were dozens of penguins surrounding the mutants.
"Penguins which happened to be telepaths," Kitty said. "So let me get this straight, it's the guys that take care of the eggs?"
"Bingo…" One of them squawked. "Some of the guys think that the ladies take a few extra weeks before coming back."
"Gee I wonder why? Squawk! Squawk! Squawk! That's all you ever do!" A female penguin snapped.
"Patty this is exactly what our therapist was talking about!" The Penguin snapped. "You always trivialize my feelings!"
"You know I'm starting to think of the asylum as the place with all the sane people?" Wanda told Jean.
"I wonder if they take reservations?" Jean sighed.
"Fascinating," Hank blinked at one of the penguins that were looking directly at him.
"It is not fascinating, it's insane!" Scott snapped at him.
"Calm down pal," Another penguin put his flipper on his leg. "Have some squid. It'll make you feel better."
"A world filled with telepathic penguins," Kurt shivered. "How lucky can we get?"
"Yeah…" Todd grinned. "Think about what we can do with them!"
"I was being sarcastic you nimrod!" Kurt snapped.
"Uh, we can't shoot laser beams out of our eyes," Another penguin told Todd, concerned with the thoughts in his head. "Boy this guy is nuts!"
"Tell us something we don't know," Pietro grumbled.
"Hey could you get those girls to stop chasing Bob?" Another asked.
"We can walk like a penguin! We can walk like a penguin!" Trinity laughed as they waddled after a very fat penguin.
"HELP ME!" Bob pleaded.
"Suck it up! You could use the exercise anyway!" Patty snapped at him.
"Can we go now?" Pietro's teeth were chattering.
"Yes," Hank looked at the device. "The thirty minutes are finally up."
"Great!" Todd stood up with a penguin in his hands.
"WE ARE NOT TAKING A PENGUIN WITH US TOAD!" Scott snapped.
"Aww…" Todd looked disappointed.
"If you're good maybe we'll get you a penguin when we get home," Lance sighed.
"If we do don't give it to Kitty again," Todd grumbled as he put the penguin down.
"Definitely don't!" Kitty grumbled.
"You can't possibly still be mad about that," Lance looked at her.
"You gave me a used penguin, Lance!" Kitty snapped. "Toad's used penguin!"
"A used killer penguin," Kurt added.
"Oh get over it," Todd snapped. "It's not like you couldn't outrun Zippy!"
"No, but I swear that penguin tries to stalk me!" Kurt snapped.
"Zippy?" Scott looked at them. "Never mind! Let's just get out of here!"
"So I gave you a used penguin," Lance said to Kitty as they left through another portal. "It's not like I had the money to buy you a brand new one!"
"I swear our conversations just get weirder and weirder…" Wanda groaned.
They ended up on a cruise ship in the next reality. "Well this reality is a little better," Kurt admitted. "Not to mention a little warmer."
Suddenly to their surprise a group of men in well dressed white purser uniforms began dancing in front of them. To their shock it was the Dreadnoks, all cleaned up and singing. "Love! Exciting and new! Come aboard! We're expecting you! THE LOVE BOAT!..."
"Too bad it's not a little saner…" Lance blinked as they sang.
Twenty five minutes and several non alcoholic drinks later…
"I have to admit, I like this version of Cobra a lot better than ours," Hank said as he downed his non alcoholic Purple Platypus. "Barkeep! Another one!"
"Very good sir," Destro the Bartender made him another one.
"At least you're not drinking real alcoholic beverages," Scott sighed. "Where's Nightcrawler and Toad?"
"They went off on a tour with Captain Cobra Commander," Jean told him. "I hope they don't get into too much trouble."
"Oh come on Jean how much damage could they do?" Scott asked.
BOOM!
SHUDDER!
THUD!
The ship jolted violently. "I have got to stop asking questions like that!" Scott groaned. Just then Kurt teleported in with Todd. "WHAT DID YOU TWO DO?"
"There was a little incident," Kurt gulped.
"Captain Cobra Commander decided to let us drive the boat," Todd said.
"Pilot! You pilot a boat!" Kurt snapped. "Just like you piloted it into that iceberg!"
"Iceberg!" Scott shouted.
"I told the Captain calling the ship the Titanic Three was a bad idea," Destro the Bartender sighed.
"Titanic Three?" Hank asked. "What happened to Titanic Two? I assume there was a Titanic Two."
"Don't ask," Destro the Bartender closed up. "That's it! I'm going into the weapons business like my father wanted!"
"WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST!" The Baroness ran by in a cocktail dress. "SO GET OUT OF MY WAY!"
"SOMEBODY ZIP ME UP!" Captain Cobra Commander ran by trying to put on a floral dress.
"I believe it's time to leave now," Hank sighed. "I knew I should have been drinking something stronger."
One dimension jump and twenty minutes later….
"Okay someone up there is definitely messing with us," Kurt groaned.
"Yeah who would have thought that there was a reality where the Professor went broke and he had to turn the Institute into a casino to pay the bills?" Lance said.
The entire mansion was filled with blackjack tables, slot machines and other games of chance. The X-Men of this dimension were all dressed up as gaming proprietors.
"Okay step right up and place your bets!" Gambit called out as he was shuffling at the poker table. "Five card stud and jokers are wild!"
"Well look at the bright side guys," Lance said. "If you X-Men ever do go broke you guys could make a fortune!"
"Lance!" Kitty snapped.
"Look I'm just trying to look on the bright side of things," Lance told her. "Knowledge like this could be helpful in the future. You never know."
"You mean like never bet on black?" Kurt asked. "Yeah that's good to know."
"I learned that it pays to play on the nickel slots," Todd showed them his winnings. "See! I won five whole dollars!"
"I hate to say this but at least Lance has the right attitude," Jean admitted. "We should see this as a learning experience."
"What? To learn how more screwed up our lives could be?" Kitty asked. "I think we all know that!"
"No to see things in a different light," Hank told her.
"Beast we've been seeing nothing but weirdness ever since this trip started!" Scott told him.
"Cigars, cigarettes…" Beast walked by in a black and pink cocktail dress wearing lipstick and high heels. He was carrying a tray case full of items. "Lucky dice and other things for sale!"
"Like that," Scott blinked.
"Okay time to leave," Hank fiddled with the controls of the IM NUTS machine. "We've learned enough from this reality!"
"A little too much if you ask me," Kurt shuddered as they entered the portal to go into another dimension.
WHOOOSH!
WHUMP!
"Is it me or are our landings getting worse?" Scott groaned as he lay on the floor. "Kurt get your tail out of my face!"
"Sorry," Kurt got up. "Althea, I think your sisters were here."
"What makes you say that?" Althea groaned and opened her eyes.
All around them were people screaming in white coats. There were a few small fires and the words TRINITY RULES were written in pink spray paint on the wall. "Of course…" She sighed.
"AAAAAAAAH!" Several people in white coats and white patient outfit screamed when they saw them. "MORE MONSTERS!"
"Monsters?" Hank looked around. "Where? Oh wait…"
"I was right! I was right!" They saw Pyro dancing around wearing a patient's outfit. "I told you the monsters were going to come get me! Ha ha!"
"What is this place?" Pietro looked around.
"I think I know…" Wanda winced. "I recognize this type of place all too well!"
"Oh dear…" Hank looked up and saw a plaque that proclaimed XAVIER'S MENTAL HEALTH INSTITUTE. "This could be awkward."
Twenty five minutes and several doctors locked up in padded rooms later…
"So you see we really have no control over which realties we go through," Hank apologized calmly to the head of the Institute. "We are very sorry for this confusion. And that we sent some of your doctors and nurses over the edge…"
"I know this sounds crazy…" Wanda blinked. "I mean I am looking at you and I can't believe this myself."
"Tell me about it," An adult Wanda with medium length black hair, eyeglasses and a doctor's coat rubbed her forehead. On her desk there was a logo that said DR. MAXIMOFF CHIEF OF STAFF. "The fact that most of the staff was not currently on medication before you got here and saw your arrival is the only reason I am not locking you people up for psychiatric observation. Well that and the entire mutant powers thing…"
"So I'm a doctor and head of the psychiatric hospital?" Wanda blinked.
"Wow talk about your upgrades," Lance remarked.
"Yes I became a doctor when my twin brother Pietro had a mental breakdown," Dr. Maximoff sighed. "He thinks he's Casanova on Tuesdays. Every other day of the week he's just insane."
"RAPUNZEL! RAPUNZEL! LET DOWN YOUR HAIR!" And adult Pietro ran by the door in a dress and long blonde wig. Two orderlies that looked like Logan and Sabertooth ran after him.
"And today is one of his good days," Dr. Maximoff sighed. "You know it's going to take weeks for me to get new staff and calm the old staff down!"
"I'd wipe their minds of the memories if…" Jean began.
"NO!" Dr. Maximoff told her. "You're already tampered enough with their minds don't you think? They'll calm down after a few weeks and some extra medication."
"Hate to say it but she has a point, Jean," Althea pointed out.
"But won't your patients be affected as well?" Jean asked.
"Oh no I'll just tell them it was a government conspiracy that gave them fake drugs to make them see all of that," Dr. Maximoff waved. "They'll eat that up. Ironically they're handling this better than the staff."
"WHOO HOO! I'M HOMER SIMPSON!" Xavier wheeled by the door very fast. "DONUTS! DONUTS!"
"He's been a bit off already since his wife left him," Dr. Maximoff explained. "Been on a drinking and Simpsons binge for days."
"Well I think it's time we must be going," Hank gulped as he turned on the device.
"You know what I've learned from this part of the trip, Avalanche?" Kurt quipped as they left. "I learned we have a knack for driving normal people insane!"
"It took you this long to figure that out?" Todd asked.
"I've learned that I prefer running an asylum than being a patient in one," Wanda quipped. "And that my brother is always insane. What about you Jean? What have you learned?"
"Not to mind wipe people who are already crazy," Jean rolled her eyes.
"Well at least we know Kitty's perfectly safe," Pietro snickered.
"I should have brought along an extra straightjacket…" Kitty growled.
Once again they landed in a heap in another dimension. And once again they ended up in the Danger Room. "OH COME ON NOW!" Pietro shouted as he ran from giant buzz saws. "This is getting ridiculous!"
"Once is a fluke," Scott grumbled as he blasted several lasers. "Twice is dangerous! But three times? Some one up there is messing with us!"
"That's what I said!" Kurt snapped as he teleported out of the way of laser fire.
It didn't take long for the X-Men and Misfits to make short work out of the Danger Room. And to meet their counterparts. "I'm Charles Xaverbear," A bear in a wheelchair, a suit and a bald spot on his head spoke. "Leader of the X-Animals." Behind him was a group of various animals in black and gold uniforms.
"Oh goody we're all animals in this reality too," Scott threw up his hands. "This just gets better and better!"
"Boy I'm really ugly as a human," A toad looked at Toad.
"Just out of curiosity," Lance held up his hand. "Any of you guys named Lance?"
"I'm Lance!" A brown coyote barked.
"Great I'm a coyote," Lance groaned. "It's official, the universe is out to get me."
"It's out to get us all," Scott told him. "I keep saying that for years but no one believes me!"
"Well we do now!" Kurt rolled his eyes. "Don't rub it in!"
Yeah I know a lot of random madness in this chapter, but it's always fun. Next…More random fun! He he…