July 27, 2002

Oh, my God, I hope it's not happening to Paige too. I swear I'd almost rather she quit than stay and sink into the unhappiness that seems to clot around me.

She's only worked for me, what, 13 days. Nine, really, since she had three days off and a day she took off to attend to a family emergency. But she came dragging in this morning in a way that reminded me of that college girl who used to, Cathy, that was her name, who dropped out of college a few weeks after she started work at the store.

"Are you feeling all right?"

"Yeah. No." She dropped down at the reading table. "Who the hell do I think I'm kidding, anyway?"

"About what?"

"Oh, trying to be the best – " she glanced up at me – "person in the world. Thinking I'm going to dash around and save people. Jumping at hunches."

I didn't understand a word of it, of course, but I sat down with her and tried to look open and sympathetic. She said, "I've been working on a project for a couple of weeks, and I haven't made any headway on it yet."

"You mean the inventory?"

"No, I'm making headway on that. Those books that I took home, by the way, to try to bone up on the authors and the kinds of romances, I want to go ahead and buy those. Is there an employee discount?"

"Sure, twenty percent."

She nodded absently.

"Well, could I help with the other project?"

She shook her head. "No, this was supposed to be my big solo tour-de-force, show everyone." She looked up at me as though she were telling me something she shouldn't be. "See, I only started living with my sisters last year. I only found them last year. I'm actually their half-sister. Long story."

"Does the project involve them?"

"No. It probably should. I don't know what made me think – "

There was a long moment of silence, and then she told me, "My sisters – there used to be three of them. The oldest one was, oh, kind of the leader in everything. I used to see her around P3, six kinds of confident. And the things they tell me now – she was smart, she was a born leader, she was – "

"Was?"

"She died. Right before I found them, or actually they found me. And now here I am, living in the same house, eating at the same table, reading the – same books, and I just know I'll never measure up. I'll never be the w – woman she was. And even a year later, I keep getting the feeling that they look at me and wonder why I'm there, why she couldn't have lived and I couldn't have been the one to – "

"No. No. From what you've told me about them, no. Of course, they miss her. But they sound like strong loving women. If she were alive, they would love you both. And of course she still has a place in their hearts, but that doesn't mean you don't."

She pressed both hands to her face. "This really isn't like me, you know? I just can't seem to stop thinking about it. I keep thinking that I don't deserve them as a family, that I don't deserve to be happy."

"You do. You do. I've never known anyone who deserves it more. You bring so much happiness to others."

"You think so?"

"You bring happiness to me." I actually said that, and without flinching or looking away from her. But I added quickly, "And I'm sure you bring happiness to your sisters, too. The only thing that would cause them pain would be if they thought you were in pain because of them."

She sat up straighter. "You know something, you're right. And it's pretty ironic that you'd figure that out before I would."

"Well, you've told me quite a bit about them."

"No, it's more than that. You have real insight into people, Eileen, I've been noticing it."

I laughed and put my hands on the table so I could push my chair back, and at the same time I said, "Great. If I'm so smart, why ain't I rich?"

And she put her hand on mine. I think she said something like, "I hate to sound like a fortune cookie, but there are different kinds of wealth." I really don't know. Everything else was blurred by her cool light touch. My skin, I'm sure, felt hot to her in comparison, dry. I smiled up at her, waiting for her to pat my hand and move away, but she kept the contact, meeting my eyes and tilting her head slightly as if she were asking an unspoken question.

I should have moved my hand away but I couldn't make myself do it, and for the longest moment she didn't either.

"I'm sorry. What did you say?"

That was when she moved her hand, standing. "I said you're rich in insight, Eileen. And other things."

I didn't trust myself to stand steadily yet. "Well, I know enough to know that it's ridiculous when you say you don't deserve to be happy."

"I'm embarrassed about that. I promise I'm normally not whiny. I don't know where – "

She stopped dead, lips parted for the next word, a look of sudden recognition on her face. I actually looked around to see what she was seeing before I realized she was having some kind of inner epiphany.

And suddenly she was businesslike. "Eileen, thanks for the ego boost, what do you say I repay you by actually getting some work done around here?" She grabbed her purse, bent to give me a quick hug, and practically ran up the stairs.

I drew a deep breath. Then I noticed that she'd left her car keys on the table.

I struggled with myself for a moment. If I took the keys up to her, would she think I was asking for more contact, chasing her? Then I decided that this was truly fourth-grade behavior, picked up the keys, and started up the stairs. Where I did something so enormously fourth-grade that I don't want to admit it even in here. I eavesdropped.

Paige was saying, "Eileen helped me get it."

I stopped and just listened. She was on her cell phone, obviously, and near the top of the stairs, but someplace where the railing prevented her from seeing me.

If I'd heard anything truly personal, I'd be even more ashamed than I am. Fortunately I didn't, and I don't even understand what I did hear. I want to put it down, though, as accurately as I can, see if it makes any sense later. If I'm the kind of controlling bitch who eavesdrops on phone calls, I may as well try to understand them.

She said, "I was right, I've been right all along.

"No, forget what I said this morning. I was all screwed up this morning, and it wasn't just by chance. I told Eileen just now, 'I don't deserve to be happy.' The exact – hush, I know, just listen. That's the exact thing, word for word, that Luisa said to me after she called off her wedding.

"No. I mean, the mode of transmission is pretty obvious, but exactly how –

"No, not a chance. If anything, she's an innocent. And I know that's what Phoebe would have said about Cole, but in this case –

"That's not a weird – As a matter of fact, Piper, that's really not a weird comparison at all. Can you – Do you think you can – handle that?

"That's what I'm saying. But if you'd just as soon I not mention it –

"Yes, she is.

"Thanks, Piper. I knew if I told Phoebe she'd be OK with it, but I didn't know if you –

"You're right, you're right. I will write on the chalkboard one hundred times, 'Piper is the coolest of the cool.'" A contralto chuckle.

"Are you going to need me for that thing?

"OK, I'll be there. See ya."

After a moment's silence I called up the stairs, "Paige?" and continued on up to return her keys.

What on Earth did she mean that Luisa Ramirez was innocent of?

Maybe she meant someone else. And maybe I should mind my own business.

She had to take off this afternoon for another family emergency. That's the only disadvantage to having her at the store – she's bright, she works hard when she's there, but I've never known anyone with so many family emergencies. I'm assuming this is a fairly recent development. Maybe there's something wrong with either Phoebe or Piper, and that's why Paige had to disrupt her self-discovery voyage to bring in some extra income. If I get to know her better, I'll ask.