Disclaimer: Same as Chapter 1.
A/N: Introspection ahead! Tread with caution!
Chapter 8: Corinthians I
Night was settling on Tokyo-3, the sun's warm light gradually fading from its brilliant white to a thousand shades of amber and crimson. To anyone watching it, it would have been seen as a brilliant display of cosmic beauty, yet Shinji didn't even take notice of it. His thoughts were focused on his conversation with the Fifth Child.
"Why AM I still here?"
He knew he was being stupid. He'd been sitting here, without rest and the bare minimum--and for what? It's not like she knows I'm here. Anyone with some degree of sense would have at least gone home by now.
Shinji unconciously turned his attention to the girl lying in the bed. She was the picture of composure, even in a coma. He couldn't even hear her breathing, but saw a small lock of her hair tremble slightly every few seconds. It was nearly five minutes before he realized he'd been staring mesmerized by those loose strands of icy-colored hair, and blinked his eyes to snap himself out of it.
I must be more tired than I thought.
He chewed slowly on the sandwich he'd brought from the cafeteria, barely tasting the turkey (which he would have noticed was better than average hospital food), his mind wandering unheeded to the day of the explosion. It was only a week ago, but now it seemed like forever. Part of the reason he didn't mind not sleeping was because he didn't want to deal with the possibility that all this was just a figment of his imagination. If Rei really was dead...
...Wait...
"Why do I keep thinking things like that?..."
I must just be worried, but... is that really all?
He threw the remains of his sandwich into the nearby trash can, and resumed his seat right next to the bed. He hadn't really taken the time to notice before, but now (maybe it was from being around her so long) he found himself looking at her for long stretches of time. He'd suddenly snap out of his trance after a few minutes and turn his attention elsewhere, only to find his eyes on Rei again. It felt strangely calming to watch her sleep...It was a peace he hadn't really felt in his life before, at least not that he could remember. Maybe that was why he kept sitting in that hospital chair, otherwise numb out of his mind from boredom. He never became aware of himself drifting in and out of consciousness, until sleep finally overtook him and his head fell gently on the soft mattress.
He awoke a few hours later, his breathing labored and his head lying on a damp part of the sheet that had absorbed his sweat. He'd had the nightmare again, the one where Rei had... wait... it wasn't a dream... He'd been afraid to fall asleep since he'd recalled it in his sleep the night after. But instead of the whole battle, the nightmare had consisted mainly of Rei smiling, then pulling the switch... he'd watched it over and over again until he'd nearly snapped...
Shinji raised his hand to wipe off the perspiration from his forehead, but stopped when his fingertips came across a bead of warm liquid running down his face. He hesitated, then tentatively wiped it onto his hand and stared at it by the moonlight filtering through the blinds.
Tears...
He looked at the salty drop, then felt another fall from his face and land on his palm, slowly coagulating with its predecessor.
"A-am I crying for Ayanami...? But...why?"
He tried to assure himself that what had happened was gone, that it wasn't important anymore, but the image kept popping up in his mind. He tried to stem the flow of tears from his eyes, but they kept falling, ceaseless in their silent journey down his face.
"It...it won't stop..." he whispered into the silence, as though it contained a being capable of repairing the wall in his heart, that had stood strong for his whole life and now seemed to be collapsing from the deep cracks that had formed in the foundation. Suddenly the pain he felt at that fateful moment, when the flash of the blast had faded to reveal that Unit-00 was no longer there, returned, finding the opportunity it had awaited for a week to surface.
It was the shock that Rei was gone. The one person he had believed would always be there, the strongest of all his supports, the only real friend he'd ever had, vanished...along with a piece of his soul that he never realized she'd had the opportunity to claim for herself. The pain refused to retreat now-- nothing short of the apocalyse would prevent it from letting its full strength crush the numbness Shinji had created to stop himself from acknowledging the truth.
But she was here now. She wasn't gone. It seemed as though God himself had intervened with man for the first time in millenia-- not to overthrow an empire or prevent world war, but to bring a weak boy the only person he could truly let inside his heart.
He stared at Rei, his brow furrowed from what was overwhelming his very soul. He slowly reached for her hand and brought it close, the back of her delicate hand resting on his forehead as he held it in both his own. It felt warm even as his tears fell onto it. He suddenly understood why he had stayed for the last two days nonstop. Why he had felt dead for the better part of a week.
It was because she still held that piece of himself. A part that he realized was meant for her alone.
But he didn't want that back now. He needed something far more precious than that now.
Ayanami... He'd never prayed before--not once in his life-- but he'd do it now-- for her and only for her.
Please come back...
...Please don't leave me...
A/N: Whew... this was a difficult chapter for me to write--I only hope it wasn't too WAFFy. There was a scene in the manga that I really liked, where Rei prayed for Shinji's return from the Eva after the battle with the 9th Angel, so I wanted to have Shinji in a similar situation-- both to make up for his blankness for the majority of the story so far and because it pissed me off that he didn't show ANYTHING regarding her sacrifice in the anime. I know you don't wanna face it Shinji, but COME ON! Even if he didn't like her, she was his friend for christ's sake! She at least deserved a little crying on his part; it's not like he didn't cry for lesser stuff!...Sorry, I'm rambling now...: )