Who Am I
Chapter 31
Monday morning
Rabb family office
With Harm's physical therapy almost at an end, it was time for him to face some hard realities. He had remembered next to nothing about the Navy, the law, or what he'd done with his career the last twenty-five years.
Mac's comments Friday night might as well have been directed at him. Staring at one of the many law books that were spread out on his desk, Harm debated whom to call. Bud had retired from the Navy after returning from England; he might be a good source of information. Sturgis on the other hand, was not only a lawyer, but he knew the old Harm from as early as the academy. No, the man to call was obvious. Even with his limited memories, Harm had learned enough about his past to know the only friend he should call under the circumstances would be AJ Chegwidden.
Less than an hour later AJ was standing on Harm's front porch.
"What's on your mind?" AJ asked, taking a seat in the den.
"I can't do it. No matter how hard I try, it can't be done. I can't go back." Harm threw his arms upward in exasperation.
A knot the size of Rhode Island tightened in AJ's gut. Obviously Harm had been stewing over whatever was bothering him long before AJ had arrived.
"I've tried. I really have, but none of it makes any sense to me."
"What do you mean, it doesn't make any sense?" AJ couldn't understand the problem. He'd thought for sure with a little time Harm and Mac would work things out.
"Ignoring the problem that everyone speaks in code, and when you think you've got that down, they come up with more, it's all simply more than I can deal with."
"Code?" If AJ stopped to think about it, Harm was probably right, a decoder would frequently help him communicate with women.
"You know, code: SOP, ASAP, BDU, CNO, Centcom..."
"Wait a minute." AJ held up a hand. "Son, exactly what are we talking about here?" Suddenly AJ had the distinct feeling that he and Harm weren't necessarily discussing the same thing.
"My career."
"Thank God." AJ breathed a huge sigh of relief.
"What?" Now Harm was completely confused.
"Son, if you're talking about the Navy, no one expects you to go back. Having spent three weeks in a coma alone would probably have been enough at this stage to kill your career, but amnesia? I wouldn't expect even you to pull this off."
Rubbing his hands over his eyes, "My final physical is next week. How can I be the man I was if I'm not in the Navy?"
AJ studied the distraught man before him.
"This isn't about the Navy is it?"
"Of course it is! I've been looking through some of the law books in the office trying to find something I remember."
"You don't do trial law anymore."
"I know, but I don't have any books on how to plan a war." The exasperation in his voice came through loud and clear.
"There's more to strategic planning than that, but you're right, books won't be able to replace what you had learned from experience. Now tell me what's really bothering you."
Harm hesitated, taking a momentary interest in his shoes, he quietly mumbled, "She was in love with a sailor."
Nodding his head slowly, now AJ was getting a clearer picture. Harm was still trying to compete with himself.
"No. She was in love with a man who happened to be a sailor."
"Same thing." Harm stood up and walked over to the window.
"No, it's not." AJ rose and moved to stand beside Harm.
"I can't be the man she was in love with. I can't practice law anymore. It would be like My Cousin Vinny all over again, and Top Gun was even more of a wake up call."
"Top Gun?"
"We watched a few movies Friday night. From what everyone tells me, I used to do that. Good God, I can't even begin to imagine what if felt like to be Harmon Rabb the constant hero."
"He didn't feel like a hero. He was a man doing his job."
"And he was damn good at it," Harm scoffed.
"Yes, he was." AJ couldn't argue with that.
"I don't have to remember to recognize what a special woman Mac is. I can see everywhere I look how much in love they... we were. Is it so awful to want that too?"
"No, son, it's not, but you're not looking at the whole picture. She also loved the man who got them chased by poachers because he didn't see a cracked fuel line. A man who got his ass chewed from here to the SecNav's for shooting a weapon into the ceiling. A man who got his most treasured possession stolen because he didn't have enough sense to rent a garage. A man who barely held it together when their friend went into instant labor. A man who defended her for the murder of a husband she'd never mentioned having, and supported her through the emotional rollercoaster. Do I need to go on?"
"No, but even that man is gone."
"Harm, I'm not wishing more poachers or murder accusations to come into your lives, but being you and being there for each other is why you fell in love. Not because you won two DFCs. You may not remember much, but basically, you're the same man in your heart where it counts. Though, I understand you've taken a liking to french fries." AJ scrunched his face in amusement. "It's time to let go of the past and start building a future."
"It's not that easy," Harm turned towards the Admiral.
"I didn't say it was supposed to be easy."
Rabb home1815 hours
Mac opened the front door. It had been another grueling day at the office. Though she and Harm had worked in two different areas of the pentagon, she found herself fielding issues and problems that would normally have fallen on his desk. No one actually expected Harm to recover sufficiently to return to his job, but they had enough hope to delay appointing a permanent replacement.
"Mm, is that spinach lasagna I smell?" Mac walked into the kitchen sniffing loudly.
"It was that or chicken putanesca, but we didn't have any olives." Harm was very proud of himself. He'd found an index box of what must have been favorite recipes tucked behind some other miscellaneous items on a shelf in the kitchen, and decided to continue fine-tuning his culinary skills.
"Mm, I think I'm going to learn to like this side of you." Mac flipped through the mail she'd brought in, oblivious to Harm's quizzical stare. "I got an email from Keeter today."
"I thought you said I liked cooking more than you?" Harm hadn't noticed her comment about the email.
"You did, but it's not like either one of us had a lot of time to make anything more than crock pot specials or fast-fix meals. He's coming to town for a few days. Wondered why you hadn't replied to any of his emails." Deciding it was all junk, Mac dropped the stack of mail on the counter and pulled some silverware from the drawer.
"Who's coming?" Harm pulled the lasagna out of the oven.
"Jack Keeter." For just a few short minutes, Mac had forgotten that Harm wouldn't remember him. "You went to the academy and flight school together. You had to rescue him once from Cuba and then we both broke him out of a prison in Iran."
"Iran?"
"Long story." Mac wasn't in the mood to rehash his entire life history with Keeter. She wanted to just pretend that Harm had at least some memory. She'd managed to fool herself more and more into thinking nothing had changed, and she wanted to keep it that way.
Chapter 32Harm recognized the brush off when he heard it. If he were honest with himself, he wasn't so sure he was up to another history lesson anyhow. His head was still reeling from his earlier conversation with AJ. Retiring at 25 years instead of thirty was about to put a huge kink in their income, and Harm had absolutely no idea how much of a financial strain that would put on the family.
More and more, with each passing day he was beginning to realize just how much of the responsibility for their lives was on Mac's shoulders. Somehow cooking supper seemed to be a small compensation.
"I'll get the kids." Harm went out to the hallway and called upstairs. On his way back into the kitchen he asked, "When is Keifer coming?"
"KEETER, Jack Keeter. This weekend. He and his wife will be staying with us. I thought it might be nice to invite Sturgis and Varese. Like a reunion of sorts."
"And take the pressure off of me?" Harm carried the lasagna over to the table, then popped his head into the hall and called the kids again. "After all," he continued rather coldly, "If Sturgis and Keeter are chewing the fat, it won't matter that I don't remember the guy's name."
Mac's insides cringed at Harm's tone of voice. It had been a while since he'd blown a fuse over his lack of memories. Apparently, no matter how hard she tried to pretend, reality was bound and determined to rear its ugly head and slap her in the face.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it. I just thought it might be nice..."
Just then Trisha came into the room with Tommy bouncing behind a close second. One thing Harm had become incredibly good at was putting on a happy face for the children. "For a minute I thought I was going to have to eat all this myself," Harm smiled broadly.
"You did not!" Tommy called his bluff.
And just like that, Mac sat down at the table, once again indulging in the fantasy that all was well with the Rabb family.
By the time dinner was over, homework was done, video games had been played, and the kids had been put to bed, Harm and Mac were ready to collapse themselves.
Harm watched from bed as Mac puttered around the room, putting away a few straggling items from the chair, readying her uniform for the next day, and explaining about Keeter's visit. He was practically mesmerized when she strolled towards the bed rubbing lotion on her bare arms. He'd watch her do that every night since he'd come home, and every night it was becoming harder and harder, literally, to ignore.
"I...uh, need to discuss something with you," Harm started.
"Yeah?" Mac pulled back the covers.
"AJ came by today and we went over a few things."
"Like?" Mac asked hesitantly.
"It's time I, we, accept the fact that my memory is not coming back. I can't stay in the Navy. I'm going to put in for my retirement."
"I see," Mac replied softly, still kneading the lotion into her fingers, more out of nerves than necessity.
"We need to sit down and discuss finances. You've been carrying too much of the load since I've been home. It's time I started sharing more of the burdens."
"Well, I can go over all the bills any time you want, but I wouldn't exactly call it a burden."
"Why not?"
"We lived on one income for four years while we were in London. Remember, I had resigned my commission?"
"I vaguely remember your explaining that." Harm still didn't have a complete handle on the resign, reserves, active reserves, recalling, but he basically understood that for five years after you say goodbye, Uncle Sam can still call you back, and he did just that with Mac. Fortunately, they'd already moved back to the States and the kids were both in school full time.
"Having two salaries since last year has been gravy. You paid your apartment off years ago, so we made good money renting it while we were in England. Most of the extra money was invested and used with the income from the sale of the apartment to buy this house. Our mortgage is unusually small and actually covered by one housing allowance. We've been putting away most of my salary for emergencies. Frank and Trish set up college funds for the kids the day they were born, so we've never had to worry about that. Living on one salary and your retirement shouldn't be too hard, but it could get tight if you want to keep Sarah."
"Sarah?"
Mac looked at Harm open eyed. Could she really have gone all this time without ever mentioning Sarah? Thinking quickly, they'd been out of the country since he'd been sent to Hawaii in 2002, so there weren't many photos taken between the wedding and moving. There was that one photo on the mantel of the kids in the plane, but Mac had only pointed out the children. Good heavens! She hadn't told him the plane was his.
"It's your Stearman, a WWII biplane you restored. You named it after your grandmother."
"I own an airplane?"
"Well, planes are sort of a tradition in your family."
"Yeah, I know. My grandfather and father were both navy pilots."
"Your dad wanted to restore the old girl in memory of his father, and instead..."
"I restored it in memory of him."
"Pretty much. It was therapy for you after your ramp strike. Helped you forget the pain and feel closer to your dad at the same time."
Harm ran his fingers through his hair. When were the surprises going to end? Every time he thought he was finally fitting in, some new reality presented itself. Today he'd gotten two for one – a new old best friend and an airplane he had no idea what to do with.
"You know, Jack would be the perfect person to take you out and show you Sarah." Mac could tell Harm was having a bad day and hoped maybe she could put a positive spin on it all.
"And why would that be?"
"Jack's the only other person you trust to fly Sarah. While we were in Hawaii and England, Jack would check on the plane whenever he could and try to take her for a spin."
Harm stared at Mac numbly, finally forming a coherent thought. "When was the last time 'I' flew her?"
"Over a year ago. You took her out when we first came home. You haven't had much time for her since."
Harm rubbed his hand over his face again. "You never did say how you answered him."
"Answered him?"
"You said he was wondering why I hadn't responded to his emails."
"Oh. I told him the truth. Well, most of it anyhow. That you'd been in an accident, in a coma, and hadn't been back to the office yet."
"Did you say anything about my memory?"
"Some." Mac hadn't wanted to go over everything in an email. She was hoping to have some free time before Friday to call and speak with Jack.
"Some?"
"I did mention you were having a little trouble remembering a few things."
"A few?" Harm was starting to get a little annoyed with Mac's beating around the bush. What was he supposed to do when this long lost friend comes strolling in the door and discovers his old pal has no idea who he is?
"I didn't want to say too much in an email. I thought we'd get a chance to speak before he arrives. He did say something about not mentioning Maria Elena Carmelita something or other to his wife."
"Ha! Like I'm going to have any idea who the hell that is!" Harm almost found the warning amusing.
Mac was beginning to lose patience. Harm had been bordering on a foul mood all night. "If you want I can call him back and tell him that now wouldn't be a very good time to visit."
"No, you don't have to do that. I think I just need some sleep. I suppose if this 'Jack' wants to take me to see a plane that will be fine," Harm sighed heavily. Now he had to decide what to do with a plane he didn't want. He wondered briefly if anyone else in the family had some attachment to it. Maybe Jack would buy it? Crawling down into the bed and punching the pillow, Harm threw a caustic 'good night' over his shoulder.
"Night," Mac replied softly. Maybe this weekend wouldn't be all bad. Then again, who was she kidding? If Harm stayed in this mood, come Friday they'd be living in the weekend from hell.
Chapter 33Friday Night
Rabb home
Mac had managed to secure early to be with Harm when Keeter and his wife arrived. From the moment she walked in the door she could feel the tentacles of tension reach out and grab her in a stranglehold. It was going to be a long night.
"Mom!" Trisha called from the den. "I didn't know you were coming home early?"
"Well, I thought it would be nice to be here when Uncle Jack and Aunt Liz get here." Kissing her daughter hello and scratching the dog behind the ear, Mac went in search of Harm and Tommy.
Noticing Tommy and his friend Danny playing in the backyard, she wasn't surprised to find Harm buried under papers at his desk. The scene reminded her of when they used to work together at HQ. Sometimes she so missed having him as her partner, but the fringe benefits were much better having him as a lifetime partner. At least they had been. She just needed to be patient, she'd have him back again. He might not be in the Navy anymore, but every day she could see her Harm breaking out and taking hold of his life.
"How long have you been standing there?" Harm glanced up, a hint of a smile on his lips. No matter how frustrating his day had been going over their financial records, seeing Mac come home always made him feel like smiling. He couldn't help but wonder what she felt when she saw him.
"Not very. Making any sense out of all that?"
"Yeah, I'm starting to." Much to Harm's surprise, he easily understood everything in front of him, including all the documents written in legalese. If someone had asked him to define any one term, he would have stumbled, and yet reading over the storage contracts, they were all perfectly clear. He just didn't understand how his mind worked. Why were some things so natural and other things so damn difficult?
"I'm going to go change, Keeter and Liz should be here any minute." Mac's back was already turned and halfway out the door when she heard Harm's next line.
"Need any help?" Harm raised a suggestive brow grinning impishly before the shock of what he had said hit him. "I'm sorry. That just...slipped out." He had no idea where that had come from. He had fees, and terms, and repairs running through his mind when his mouth opened and spoke of its own accord.
Knowing Harm couldn't see the blush in her cheek or the huge grin spreading across her face, Mac shot over her shoulder. "Maybe next time."
Harm wasn't sure what had surprised him more, his words or her response. Either way, he had a warm feeling flooding his system and he liked it.
One hour later the kids and dog were running to answer the doorbell. It amazed Mac how there were some people kids absolutely loved, no matter how little they saw them. Jack Keeter was one of those people. Tommy couldn't possibly remember him from his and Liz's last visit to London, and all Trisha needed to remember is that every time Jack visits, a present involved. When she was two, he was a big hit with the toy umbrella. At five, Cinderella Barbie won her over, and at seven, the statue of liberty costume was a tremendous success.
By the time Harm and Mac made it to the door, the kids were all over Keeter like bees on honey. They were laughing and rough housing, and poor Liz was simply standing off to one side silently watching.
"Hey, Buddy!" Keeter reached over the children pulling his old friend into a warm bear hug.
"Jack," Harm smiled warmly. Much to his surprise, although Harm still had no idea who Jack was, the friendship felt right. Maybe he was just more comfortable in his own skin, but he was suddenly glad Keeter was here.
"Okay, guys. Give Uncle Jack a little room." Mac gently nudged the kids towards the den.
"Did you bring us any presents?" Tommy asked eagerly, not having given anyone a chance to move.
"I don't know." Jack turned to Harm. "Have they been good sailors?"
Harm nodded yes.
"Haven't been giving the old man a hard time?"
Harm smiled a little and shook his head.
"Not making extra work for your mom, keeping your rooms clean?" This time Keeter looked at each of the children, waiting to see how they responded.
Harm was holding back a chuckle. Keeter may have come bearing gifts, but he was putting the kids through their paces first.
With an affirmative response from all four Rabbs, Keeter grinned. "Then you'd better go get them. They're on the porch with the luggage. Blue package is for Tommy, red is for Trisha."
"I'll put the bags in your room," Harm offered, following his kids out the door.
"Thanks, buddy." Keeter smiled, ready to relax after the long drive.
"At least now you can come in and sit down." Mac reached for Liz's coat, immediately noticing her blossoming state. "Well, congratulations! How come you didn't tell us?"
"Tell us what?" Harm asked coming back in the door with two small bags and two eager children racing past him to the den.
"Liz is pregnant," Mac beamed.
"We wanted to surprise you," Jack explained.
"Five months," Liz added.
"That's wonderful news." Even though Harm didn't know them very well, he was truly happy for them. "Let me just drop these in the other room."
"Don't bother. Come and join us, I'll take them in when we hit the racks later."
"Nonsense. It'll just take me a minute." Harm didn't even wait to argue.
In no time at all, the gifts were unwrapped, thank yous prevailed, and the Rabb children were off to their respective rooms to indulge in their new windfall.
"Can I get you anything?" Mac directed at Liz.
"Just let me put my feet up, please."
"Sure thing!" Harm turned and pulled a small ottoman over to the sofa where Liz had sat down then took a seat across from her.
"This is a pleasant surprise," Mac grinned.
"It only took me two years to convince this oaf that over forty wasn't too old to be a father."
"Harm was 41 when Tommy was born," Mac shrugged.
"Forty-one, not forty-seven," Jack interjected.
"Yeah well, if you hadn't been so stubborn about it, you'd have been only forty-five." Liz was just happy she'd talked him into it at all. By the time she had turned 35 she had honestly come to terms with the fact that the opportunity to have children had passed her by. When she'd married Jack two years ago at 37, she'd been a little surprised to discover how much having children had really meant to her.
"We're not that old," Harm huffed.
"You can say that. You'll only be in your fifties when your kids graduate high school. I'll be pushing the old age home."
"HA!" Mac laughed out loud. "Keeter, the only thing you'll be pushing in your old age is the speed limit."
Everyone laughed along with Mac, even Harm, and he had no reason to understand why that dig was so true.
Mac noticed Liz shifting her weight then grab and place Jack's hand on her side. "Are you okay?"
"Oh, yeah. Junior here thinks that when mom stops moving that means it's time to play. My hand he kicks. Jack's hand seems to settle him down."
"Boy, do I remember those days. Tommy used to always get his foot caught under my ribcage. I'd scare the heck out of people pushing and shoving, trying to move his foot. I was so used to it, I didn't realize I was doing it and everyone else in the room would slowly start panicking." Mac laughed at the memory. Harm watched her talking of carrying Tommy inside her with a heavy ache in his heart that grew with every word Mac spoke.
"Do you mind?" Mac asked.
"Oh, no. That's the number one rule of being pregnant, your tummy becomes public domain," Liz chuckled. "Ooh, there he goes again."
"Do you know it's a he?" Mac asked, carefully placing her hand on the spot Liz had pointed to.
"Yeah. I figure he's going to be a kicker for his high school football team," she teased.
"Wow. He is strong. He'll probably win the Heismann," Mac teased with her. Casually she looked across the room and noticed Harm's odd expression. "Do you want to feel?" she directed at him
"Me? Uh, no." In truth Harm was dying to participate, but somehow fear overrode his curiosity.
"Oh, come on and join the party," Liz added, recognizing the look on his face. Her kid brother had the exact same expression the first time he'd felt her stomach. Even though Harm had two kids, he had that same neophyte look on his face.
Slowly, Harm stood up and moved across the small space.
"You'd better move faster than that," Mac encouraged. "Babies have a way of not cooperating for long."
"Ain't that the truth," Liz laughed.
Timidly, Harm stretched his hand forth, startled when Liz grabbed it and placed it firmly on the side of her stomach. After only a few seconds, the active little tike took a punch square in the center of Harm's flat palm.
"Wow!" His eyes opened wide, everyone in the room chuckling.
"It is something the first time you feel your kid kick," Jack grinned proudly.
Mac looked up sadly at Harm. She could see the pain in his eyes. He wouldn't know what that felt like. All of those first time experiences were stolen from him.
Harm glanced quickly at Mac. He could see the sympathy in her eyes; she understood. Suddenly all those fatherly firsts that he would never experience first hand flashed through his mind; the first kick in the womb, the first time they said dada, the first steps, first day of school, learning to ride a bike. All of it was gone. Damn!
Chapter 34"Are you really going to give up flying?" Sturgis was amazed.
"Yeah, with the baby coming it's time to give up testing new planes," Keeter shrugged.
"Whatever you do, don't start telling me about the ones you shouldn't have walked away from." Just thinking about how many close calls her husband had had through the years was enough to turn Liz's stomach.
"I won't. Besides, it was no fun any more once I didn't have Mac to get stranded in the desert with. Right, baby?" Jack clicked his cheek, making that annoying sound that most women abhorred.
"Oh, yeah, the time of our lives!" Mac shook her head and grabbed a few empty glasses. "Anyone ready for a refill?"
"Don't change the subject," Jack winked at Mac. Just one story wouldn't kill the night. Directing his question to Sturgis and Varese, "Did they ever tell you about the time I made an emergency landing in the Iranian desert and Mac was traded to the Bedouins to get back the stealth bomber?"
"No." Sturgis enunciated clearly. "Is this true, Mac? Did the nomads really think you were more valuable than a eighty million dollar plane?"
"You know, Sturgis, I'm sure there was complement in there somewhere. And that's not exactly what happened, I was collateral."
"Whose bright idea was that?" Harm asked, unexpectedly interested in hearing the rest of this story. When Mac had filled him in on their history with Keeter, she'd conveniently omitted the Iran rescue.
"Hers." "Mine."
All heads in the room turned to Mac.
"You wanted to stay with the Bedouins?" Sturgis couldn't resist asking.
"No, I wanted Harm and that plane out of the desert before the Iranian military caught up with us." Mac really wished Keeter had kept his mouth shut.
"ME! I let you stay with them? Had I been hit on the head or something?" Harm was flabbergasted. Everything he'd heard about him and Mac protecting each other told him there was no way Harmon Rabb Jr. would have left the woman he loved in the hands of a nomadic tribe of patriarchs.
Mac couldn't help but burst out laughing. "No, you hadn't hit your head, but you did have the same look on your face then that you have now."
"Mac?"
"Oh for heaven's sake Harm. It wasn't about sex. It was business. Hell, the sheik himself even told me he needed another wife like his camel needed pants."
Keeter spit his drink out laughing. "You never told me he said that. What an idiot."
"JACK!" Harm turned quickly in Keeter's direction. "That's my wife you're talking about."
"Maybe now, but then she was free and available."
Harm's eyes grew even wider at what his friend had just said.
"Alright, put your eyes back in their sockets! Gees. Nothing happened. I stayed behind to make sure the Bedouins got their money, and that Mac and I met up with the cavalry. She wouldn't even let me share her tent...for her own protection," he directed at his wife quickly before continuing. "There was no way that sheik was going to get within 10 yards of her. Besides, you know damn well I would have killed anyone who tried."
Looking into Keeter's eyes, Harm recognized the truth of his suddenly serious words. "Yeah. I think I do."
"Good. Now that we've settled that, who needs a refill?" Mac asked, plastering a relieved smile on her face, deciding now was not the time to remind anyone she was a Marine and hadn't needed protecting.
"I'll have another coke, please?" Liz handed Mac her nearly empty glass while everyone continued chatting around them.
"You'll still keep your civilian license, won't you?" Sturgis questioned.
"You bet. Especially if old Harm here lets me keep using Sarah." Slapping Harm on the back, he turned to face him. " I was hoping you'd let me take her up this weekend. Who knows when I'll be back around this neck of the woods again."
"Now? Don't you think it's a little cold to be flying in an open cockpit?" Liz looked totally aghast as she reached for the drink Mac had just brought her.
"There's no such thing as too cold for an old jet-jock, darling. Right, Harm?"
"Don't look at me," Harm shrugged.
"Now that you've brought it up. Harm hasn't been up in Sarah since last year. Think you two might want to spend a little time with the other woman?" Mac was pleased Keeter was the one to bring up the subject of Sarah.
Keeter looked over at Liz, a silent plea in his eyes.
"Why are you looking at me? It's not my plane, but don't blame me if you both come home with frost bite." Liz took a sip of her drink, served her right for marrying a nut. What was it her brother used to say: 'the only thing that separates the men from the boys is the price of their toys.' If she were a betting woman, she'd wager that toy plane of Harm's had one heck of a price tag on it.
0100
Rabb front porch
"I thought I heard someone rustling about down here." Keeter handed Harm a cigar.
"No thanks." Harm shook his head without hesitation.
"Well, I guess that's one habit Mac's glad you don't remember."
"I used to smoke cigars?" Harm seemed amused at the idea.
"Now and then. You quit for a few years, then one day you just took it up again."
"I wonder why?"
"Don't really know." Keeter hesitated a moment, wondering where to begin. "So tell me, buddy, how are you really doing?"
"I'm getting there." Harm handed Keeter his typically pat answer.
"Harm, this is Jack. Don't bullshit me."
Harm stared at the man in front of him. He was an academy graduate like Sturgis, and yet there was no stiffness to indicate he had ever had anything to do with the military. Was this what only being a fighter jock was about? Was this what part of him used to be like? Whatever the answers, Harm felt he could tell this man the truth.
"It's hard. Some days I think I can't stand it anymore. On other days I almost forget something's wrong, but usually there's some surprise waiting around the corner to kick me in the teeth and remind me all is not what it should be."
"Mac tells me you put in your papers." Keeter was worried about Harm leaving the Navy, it somehow seemed wrong. Harm was at least a thirty-year man and it wouldn't have surprised anyone if he made flag and stayed in even longer.
"Yeah."
"How do you feel about that?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"I don't remember the Navy. I don't remember visiting my dad on the Ticonderoga, even though the photo sits on my desk staring at me every day. I don't remember going to the academy, flight school, or serving my country." Harm's tone was one of resignation more than his usual frustration.
"You really forgot all about Maria Elena?" Keeter shook his head. "It was our segundo cruise in Barcelona. She had these two aunts we kept trying to ditch..." Keeter noticed Harm listening politely, but not really interested. "And you don't really care do you?"
"Jack, I can't even remember Mac. Are you telling me I would rather have remembered our 'segundo' cruise?" Harm looked at Keeter pointedly.
"No, man. I'm not. We had some good times, plenty of really good times." Keeter couldn't help chuckling a little despite the seriousness of the situation. "But nothing could compete with what you and Mac found."
Keeter watched Harm staring off into the sky. "There's nothing like flying. You lived for it."
"That's what they keep telling me." Harm turned to look back at his old friend.
"It just amazes me you can't remember anything, even me. Hell, if Mac hadn't told me, I'd have never known in there tonight. You just rolled with the punches, the same way you always have."
"I noticed with the exception of Iran, you didn't bring up our past." Harm raised a brow at him. "You going to tell me when you and I get together we don't usually reminisce?"
"Man, we've lived our lives over a gazillion times in living rooms around the world, but tonight wasn't the night."
"Thanks."
"No problem, buddy. I wish I had some magic words to make this whole thing easier for you, but I don't. What I do have is my friendship. It's always yours, no matter what you do or don't remember. Hell, I'm probably better off having you forget most of it," Jack tried to tease.
Harm smiled partly at the jest, then turned deadly serious. "I want her back, Jack."
"You've never lost her." Jack didn't skip a beat. He had a feeling from listening to what Mac wasn't saying that something was up. Now, he saw it all very clearly.
"More like I never had her. I want her to love me for me, the way she loved him." Harm didn't know how to explain it. Sometimes this whole mess made him feel schizophrenic.
"You know, this reminds me an awful lot of a conversation we had after the op in Iran. I knew then she had a thing for you, and had it bad. I saw the way you looked at her when you got in that plane, and the look on your face when she walked back into your life. The only person who wouldn't accept how you and she felt was you. Sounds to me like you're doing that to yourself again." Keeter got up and headed back in the house, the late night air starting to chill his bones. "Don't make the same mistake twice."
Chapter 35
Rabb house
Early next morning
Placing her finger against her lips, "Shh, we don't want to wake the kids or the guys will never get out of here," Mac chuckled. This visit had been wonderful for everyone. Harm even seemed enthused about going flying.
"Sorry, but I'm not sure I trust these two alone in public," Liz giggled more quietly.
"I hadn't thought about that," Mac laughed back. "Think they need a chaperone?"
"Very funny," Jack sneered lovingly at his wife.
"Just don't you two go off and get drunk and forget where you live," Liz teased as Jack pulled her into a warm embrace.
"Not a chance," he whispered. Ignoring there were other people in the room, Jack kissed his wife with all the intensity of a man whose only travel plans were to find the nearest bedroom.
Immediately realizing this was more than a quick peck, Mac stiffened awkwardly and walked towards Harm and the doorway. "Uh... make sure you're both careful," she told Harm, leading him out to the hall.
"Yeah." Harm turned and followed Mac. "I uh..." Peeking over his shoulder he saw Keeter was still kissing Liz. "How long have they been married?" he asked out of the side of his mouth.
"Little over two years I think." Mac turned and took a step closer to the kitchen to better see what Harm had seen. Wow, they were really at it.
"Two years? Whew, do you think they always say goodbye like that?" Harm hadn't expected such an 'extensive' goodbye.
"We used to... I mean... sometimes...when…uh... I don't know if they always say goodbye like that." Mac was starting to feel increasingly self-conscious. She remembered the days when Harm would kiss her like that, as though it would be his last chance.
"Mac?" Harm walked up behind her and almost timidly placed his hand on the sides of her arms.
"Yeah?" she tried not to flinch at the feel of his touch, but didn't know where to look. She didn't want to spy on the hottest kiss she'd ever seen between married people, but she didn't want to face Harm. She felt like an insecure teenager after what she'd just said, or almost said to him.
"Did I ever call you Sarah?"
Mac's head snapped around at the question.
"Sometimes," she answered softly.
"Can I call you that now?" His voice was low and quiet.
"If you'd like." She turned around to face him fully.
"Sarah, would you mind if I kissed you goodbye? I mean not like...but...I'd really like to." Harm could feel his heart pounding through his chest.
"That would be nice," Mac somehow managed to force her voice to respond as Harm pressed himself closer to her.
Without another word, he wrapped his arms around Mac and let his lips slowly descend on hers. In a flash he felt all the emotions he'd kept tightly wound inside of him quickly begin to unravel. When Mac snaked her arms around his waist, he knew he wanted this woman more than he'd ever wanted anything. Memory or no memory, his attraction for her was more than male hormones. He could feel her calling to his very soul. Jack was at least right about one thing: this Harm was in love with his wife.
In the kitchen, Keeter was still pressing his wife as tightly against him as possible considering her enhanced figure.
"Do you think it's working? My back is starting to twinge," Liz whispered quietly, her face pressed against her husband's.
"I don't hear them talking anymore. Do you?" Keeter whispered back just as quietly.
"Shall we peek? Or do you think they need more time?" Liz's lips teased against her husband's as she spoke.
"Let's turn a little. Move to my right and see if you can see anything."
"Can't we shift to my right? I'm already twisted uncomfortably here. I'm not built for making out this long anymore." Liz had to bite her lower lip not to break out in a fit of giggles.
"Okay, you're right." Still holding his wife tightly against him, their faces smooshed together as one, he carefully turned in minute baby steps, trying to get a look out into the hall.
"I'll be damned," Liz whispered, pulling back from her husband's embrace. "You were right. How did you...?"
"I don't care what he doesn't remember. That man is still the same guy I used to bunk with. It's Lisa Delvechio all over again!" Keeter replied enthusiastically.
"Lisa Delvechio?"
"Phil Delvechio's sister. She had such a crush on Harm, and he thought she was pretty hot too. Anyhow, Phil got Harm to invite her to the winter ball. He was such a gentleman he wouldn't make a move on her, especially being Phil's sister and all. Poor kid thought Harm didn't like her. Anyway, after breakfast we all went back to Phil's house. His folks lived in Annapolis, but were out of town for some reason. With all the guys and their dates making out around the house, Harm finally ran out of gentlemanly restraint. They wound up dating for six months."
"Ah... So, now what do we do?" she grinned.
"Want to make out some more?" he answered in his best Cary Grant voice.
This time Liz giggled out loud, breaking the spell the couple in the hallway had fallen under. A little embarrassed at letting the kiss get away from him, Harm stepped back slowly. "We won't be home late." Leaning forward again, he gave Mac a sweet, quick kiss on the lips and called to Keeter. "Meet you out front."
Airport Hanger
Leesburg VA
Keeter walked Harm through the pre-flight check, surprised when Harm asked where the fuel line was. Pointing it out, he watched Harm examine it with unusual thoroughness. When Harm caught Keeter looking at him curiously, all he said was, "Long story."
Harm had no idea what Keeter was doing and yet, it all seemed so familiar. Like a name on the tip of your tongue but you can't quite remember it. He climbed into the plane, strapped himself in, and waited for the anticipated apprehension of taking off, but it never came. In only a few minutes, he found himself grinning like a Cheshire cat. The feel of the wind and the sound of the engine were as comforting to him as an old blanket.
About a half an hour into the flight, Keeter began spinning and looping. He could hear Harm laughing through the communication system. He knew the love of flying had to be inside him somewhere. He wouldn't be at all surprised if all he needed was to be on a carrier deck or in a courtroom, but it was unlikely the Navy would let him do either.
"You ready?" Keeter asked.
"For what?" Harm's face was bright with laughter.
"Take over."
"FLYING?" Harm's brows were up and his mouth open in a nano-second.
"Yup. She's all yours. Grab the stick." Without any further instruction, Jack released the stick and knit his fingers behind his head as though he were in a hammock on a lazy Sunday afternoon in Puerto Vallarta.
"JACK!" Harm grabbed the control and instinctively pulled it ever so slightly towards him. The fear of the moment washed away as it slowly sank in, he knew what to do.
Jack relaxed in the front seat. He knew it. Harm was turning and looping and laughing his heart out. A good old-fashioned belly laugh, the kind that was good for the heart and soul.
An hour later they landed the plane, Harm still at the controls.
"How did you know?" Harm slapped Keeter on the back.
"Know what?"
"That I'd remember?" Harm stopped and turned Keeter to face him.
"Anyone can be taught how to fly a plane. You can't teach someone the touch. Either you have it or you don't. The DFC you got for pushing that pilot home by his tailhook, you didn't learn that at flight school. Hell, I'm good and I'm not sure I could have pulled that off. That was deep down inside you. You, my good friend, were born to fly and no loss of memory will take that away from you."
Harm paused a moment before breaking out into laughter. Life with this guy must have really been something.
Looking over his shoulder, Keeter yelled back, "You better get a move on it. I hear a beer bottle calling my name!"
Chapter 36"So, now what do I do?" Harm asked, pulling the car out of the airport parking lot.
"About what?"
"My life," Harm sighed.
"Easy. Go home, send the kids to a neighbor and make love to your wife all night. All day tomorrow too wouldn't be a bad idea."
"Keeter." Harm rolled his eyes. Why did Harm have the feeling this wasn't the first time he'd had to call Keeter on an inappropriate response.
"Harm, she IS your wife. You have TWO children. You're not THAT old. Besides, I saw how you kissed each other this morning."
"She did kiss me back, didn't she?" A quick smile matched the twinkle in Harm's eyes.
"You have to ask? Come on, Harm." Keeter was about to lose patience with this guy.
"Look, there's more to life than dress whites and gold wings and taking a woman to bed. I've turned in my papers. It won't be long now before I'm unemployed, and that mistress back there you so aptly reintroduced me to doesn't come cheap."
"I'll give you that much," Jack nodded.
"So what the hell am I going to do? I can't sit home cooking and doing laundry for the next twenty years or so."
"There must be something. You're a smart guy. Maybe there's some other side of law that you could get good at. You know, some kind of brush up course in how to screw the corporate bad guys. Maybe find something to do with flying. Open a skywriting business or something."
"Jack..."
"Okay, nix the sky writing. Have you talked to Frank?"
"No." Harm hadn't thought of that.
"He's been retired for years, but he must still have connections, or at least a few good ideas," Jack suggested.
"He and Mom are coming to DC for Christmas. I've waited this long, I think I can wait till then to talk to him, check out my options in the meantime."
Keeter laughed out loud.
"What's so funny?"
"Who would ever have thought I'd be giving you good advice," Jack laughed some more.
Harm laughed loudly with his old friend. After less than twenty-four hours he already had a feel for why that was such an amusing thought.
Saturday had been a long day. Harm's bond with his old friend was still just as strong without the memories. They had all stayed up that night later than they'd meant to laughing and telling stories, by the time Harm had come out of the bathroom, Mac was sound asleep. He watched her sleeping for the longest time. Maybe Jack was right, maybe he and the old Harmon Rabb weren't so different. Maybe he was demanding too much of her. If the bond between him and Jack was so strong without the memories, why was Harm fighting the bond between him and Mac? Why was he making things so complicated? Despite the lack of history, he was happy where he was. He loved the kids and he loved Mac. What was his problem? Shaking his head, he finally rolled over and forced himself to get some sleep.
Sunday flew by and everyone promised not to let so much time pass before their next visit. By Monday life was back to normal, with one minor exception, Harm had decided it was time he stopped treating Mac like a polite acquaintance.
Slowly, he tried being more affectionate; a kiss on the cheek whenever one of them came home, or went out, an occasional hand across the small of her back. A few times he even reached out to hold her hand, once while walking into the grocery store and another time on their way to a PTA meeting. After only a couple of weeks, Harm felt they were truly comfortable with each other. He was amazed at how easily he fell into the role of loving husband. All he needed now was the right time to show her how much his love for her had grown. It had been months since his accident. He was torn between feeling he'd let too much time pass without showing her his physical interest in her, and yet at the same time he felt it hadn't been long enough, she needed and deserved more time to adapt and grow into the new them. He just needed to be patient, he kept reminding himself.
Rabb HouseSaturday morning
Life had been relatively smooth sailing since Keeter's visit. Even the surprises that at one time would feel like a slap in the face didn't seem to affect Harm the way they once would have. During one of his mother's frequent calls to check on him, Harm went ahead and spoke to Frank about his career options. Frank told him he might have a few ideas, and that he'd get back to Harm when he had more concrete information.
Harm hurried up the basement stairs, trying to reach the phone before it stopped ringing.
"Rabb residence. Oh, hi, honey." Harm looked down at his watch.
"Hey, Dad. Where's Mom? I thought she was picking me up."
"She is. She and Tommy were going to get you on their way back from Target. I'm sure she'll be there any minute."
Harm hit the flash button and dialed Mac's cell. He was getting tired of her cell phone connection being at the will of whatever tower she was or wasn't driving past. The next thing on his list of things to deal with was going to be finding a new cellular phone service.
He hadn't gotten three feet away from the phone when it rang again.
"Rabb residence."
"Harmon Rabb?"
"Yes."
"This is Fairfax Hospital. You're listed as the emergency contact for Sarah Rabb."
"That's my wife," Harm swallowed hard.
"I'm sorry, sir. She and a little boy were just brought in, a car accident. If you could please..." Elizabeth Stanton heard the click before she could finish her sentence. It wasn't unusual. She'd learned a long time ago not to take it personally.
Harm was moving on autopilot. Not waiting to hear whatever else the woman from the hospital had to say, he'd grabbed his keys and was out the door, driving down the street long before the woman probably even realized he'd hung up.
He was literally numb from head to toe. What was he going to do if anything happened to Mac? There was no way he could do what she had done, be so strong. As he turned the corner near the hospital an icy chill ran up his spine. He couldn't begin to imagine life without her.
Leaving the car parked outside the door, Harm ran up to the desk. "I got a call. My wife, Sarah Rabb and ... my son…"
Hitting a few letters on the keyboard, "Yes, Mr. Rabb. Your wife is in trauma room three. If you'll just go through those double doors to your left, she'll be the third cubicle on your right."
Harm wasn't even sure if he'd said thank you, he only knew he had to see Mac. Pushing the door a little more forcefully than was probably necessary, he scanned the numbers at the top of each cubby, counting the blue curtains. When he arrived at number three he practically flew past the closed curtains, coming up short at the sight of Mac glaring furiously at a rather oblivious man in a white coat scribbling on a clipboard while he spoke.
"Mac?" He slowly processed the information in front of him. She was alive. She was okay. Forgetting all about the doctor writing furiously, Harm stormed past the man, almost knocking him over as he reached for his now crying wife.
"Oh, Harm." Mac draped her arms tightly around her husband, resting her head against his chest. "They won't tell me about Tommy. I told that paramedic I didn't need to see a doctor, I was okay, but Tommy was still unconscious when they brought us in and now they won't tell me how he is!" Mac couldn't help herself. The sight of her husband was like breaking a damn. All the fear and anger came bursting through in a flood of tears.
"How is our son?" Harm asked the doctor rather forcefully.
"Sir, as I've been trying to explain to your wife, I was sent to check on her. Your son is being taken care of by another physician. I'm sure someone will be here any minute to inform you of his condition." This was the part of emergency medicine that Eddie Philips hated. He was especially thankful the husband had arrived when he had. He didn't think he was going to be able to keep this mother pinned down much longer. Parents were always overwrought, but it was especially worse when they had good reason.
Kissing the top of his wife's head, Harm gently soothed her back, trying to do his best to calm Mac down despite his own agitated state. He was about to pelt the doctor with a slew of questions that would have made any litigator proud when the approaching sound of a screaming child could be heard.
Instantly, Mac's head lifted. "Harm, that's Tommy!"
Chapter 37
"I want my mommy!" The terrified child cried, tears streaming down his face.
The staff tried to reassure him. "Your mom will be here shortly. As soon as the doctor is done with her they'll send her up to x-ray." A sweet aide tried to calm him.
When Tommy saw Harm's head pop out from behind a passing curtain, he practically jumped off the gurney. "Daddy! They won't let me see Mommy!"
Harm pushed the curtain open at the same time he reached for his son with his other hand. The same sweet aid put out her hand to stop him. "He's on his way to x-ray. We really don't want him moving around."
"I'll go with him." Harm glanced quickly at Mac who nodded her head.
"Are you finished?" Mac spat at the overworked doctor.
"Yes, Mrs. Rabb. I am finished. If you will wait here while I sign your release, the nurse will come and tell you when you can join your husband and son upstairs." As exhausting as a battling anxious mother was, he was delighted that all seemed well with their boy.
No sooner had the doctor walked away from Mac than a flurry of activity erupted. Nurses and police were flying past with an equipment-laden gurney. Flashes of the night of Harm's accident sent cold chills through her body. She could only imagine this to have been the scene prior to her arrival that night. She could hear the rapidly paced voice of someone spitting out information: Female, approximately forty-five, head on collision, no airbag, head trauma, punctured lung, unconscious at scene. The voice slowly disappeared as they moved behind closed doors, but the hum of activity hadn't slowed as another gurney came racing in behind the previous one.
Harm had called Trisha from upstairs while Tommy was being x-rayed to tell her what had happened. He was now following Tommy back into the emergency room when he noticed Mac lying back quietly in the same spot he'd left her.
"I'm going to check on Mommy and I'll catch up to you in a minute." Harm could see Tommy's lower lip start to quiver. "I promise." He squeezed his son's cold hand.
Nodding his head, the little boy kept his eyes focused on his parents until he disappeared into the glass-enclosed room.
"How are you doing?"
"Fine. I've been waiting for the doctor's release, but a car accident came in and it seems to have taken up everyone's time."
"You don't look fine. Is something hurting?" Harm gently brushed his hands along his wife's arm, checking for any painful spots.
"It just reminded me of that night. I'll be okay." Mac took in a deep labored breath.
"God, Mac. I'm so sorry." Harm drew her into his arms again. "I only had a small taste of what you must have gone through and it scared the hell out of me." Placing a quick kiss on the top of her head, he blinked his eyes tightly. "Tommy is waiting for me, but when we get home, you and I are going to have a long talk. Okay?"
Mac nodded her head. All she really wanted at the moment was to hold her family safely in her arms. As long as she could do that, Harm could talk all he wanted. Looking around as Harm pulled back, she hopped off the bed. "I'm coming with you. I can wait with you and Tommy just as easily as I can wait here."
The door to Tommy's cubicle was barely open when Mac rushed through to hold her baby.
"Be careful with his arm. Doc thinks it's broken," Harm called, watching Mac smother her boy with kisses.
"Make that he HAS a broken arm, dislocated shoulder too, no internal bleeding, and a minor concussion. You lucked out on this one."
Harm and Mac looked up at the crusty doctor. "It could always have been worse," Harm agreed.
"The next lady wasn't so lucky," the doctor started.
Mac looked down at Tommy, running her hand through his hair before looking back up at the doctor.
"Thought you might like to know the police have the guy who ran you off the road in custody. He plowed into another car at the next intersection."
"Drunk driver?" Harm asked.
"At two o'clock in the afternoon." Disgust rolled off the doctor's tongue. No matter how the doctor tried to remain neutral, there was nothing neutral about drinking and driving.
"How is the woman he hit?" Mac asked.
The doctor nodded his head no, and Harm instinctively stepped closer to Mac, dropping his hand casually on her shoulder.
After much arguing and insisting, the doctor finally agreed not to keep Tommy overnight for observation. Harm and Mac felt after everything the family had been through with Harm in the hospital, keeping Tommy overnight would be too traumatic for everyone.
The rest of the day, at every opportunity, Harm couldn't bring himself to stop holding Mac's hand. They held hands in the car driving to Harriet's to pick up Trisha, watching videos with the kids, walking from the kitchen to the den after dinner, reading Tommy a bedtime story, on their way to tuck Trisha in bed, and walking back to their room. He simply needed to feel connected.
Ever since they'd gotten home he'd been thinking about what he wanted to say to Mac. No matter how much thought he gave it, he had no idea what to say or where to begin. He couldn't help wondering if this is why they'd spent all those years in love and did nothing about it. Was not being able to tell her how he felt the same problem the old Harmon Rabb had?
Mac had stepped away from his grip and began her nightly ritual. She took off her rings and dropped them in a tray on the dresser top, then kicked off her shoes and started undoing the buttons on her shirt as she walked to the bathroom. "Do you mind if I take a bath?" she asked over her shoulder.
"Of course not."
"I just want a warm soak. I won't take too long." What she really wanted was to curl into the safety and warmth of Harm's arms, but despite his comforting efforts this afternoon she was still afraid to ask, afraid it was too much too soon and would push him away.
She looked so lost. He wanted to reach out and pull her into his arms again, but fear of saying or doing the wrong thing kept him silently frozen in place. Still staring at the now closed bathroom door, Harm took a deep breath and began undressing. His shirt removed and neatly draped across a nearby chair, he sat down and removed his shoes and socks. Undoing his belt he remembered his pajamas were in the bathroom.
Propping the pillows behind him, still in his trousers, he grabbed a paperback from the night table and made himself comfortable while he waited for the bathroom to be free.
"I feel much better," Mac smiled, walking towards the bed and towel drying her hair.
"Good." Harm set his book on the nightstand. Turning back to face his wife, he watched as she tossed the small towel aside, untied her robe, draped it on the edge of the bed, and climbed under the covers. He couldn't help himself, everything about her seemed absolutely mesmerizing. After his scare today, he didn't ever want to take his eyes off of her.
Mac had tried not to blatantly stare, but it had been a long time since she'd seen Harm without a shirt. His chest was so perfect. Despite his years, he was still strong and handsome. As casually as she could, she watched him from the corner of her eye. When he went into the bathroom to change, she smiled at being able to blatantly stare at his six. That was in pretty good shape too. All of him was and she missed him.
Chapter 38Harm practically brushed the enamel off his teeth while gathering his nerve. They needed to have that talk he'd mentioned in the ER and the sooner the better. He had to let her know how he felt, and somehow determine where they stood as husband and wife.
Walking back to bed, he realized he wanted to see her face when they had this conversation, not her profile from his side of the bed. Actually, if he'd been smart, he would have started the talk while they were still downstairs and not waited until they were about to crawl under the covers. Under the circumstances, this conversation might actually prove to be even more difficult than he had anticipated.
"Do you mind if I sit down? I'd like to talk to you." Harm asked standing on her side of the bed. At least this way he could see her face and read her expressions without developing a crook in his neck.
"No, not at all." Mac scooted over a bit giving him some room. She wasn't sure what it was he wanted to talk about, but she was thankful for any opportunity to keep him closer than usual. Even if it meant nothing more than sitting side by side.
"About today, I..." Harm started. Sitting down beside her, his eyes had moved from the edge of the bed over to her lap and slowly traveled up her body before settling curiously on her shoulder.
He was about to tell her how frightened he'd been when the hospital called, but the dark blotch on her shoulder was too distracting. "What's this?" His brow curled with concern, tentatively, he reached for her shoulder, afraid to actually touch her.
"What?" Mac twisted her head trying to see what Harm was pointing at.
"It looks like a bruise," he explained.
Mac tugged the edge of her nightgown off of her shoulder in an attempt to see what he was talking about. Unable to really see anything, she looked back and saw Harm's horrified expression. "What?" she repeated, her voice a little more anxious than before.
"You've got a purple mark down your collar bone." The small blotch was now a large thick mark, and it ran down below her neckline.
"I do?" Mac put both hands on the elastic edge of her nightgown's collar and pulled down forcefully.
Harm's eyes almost popped out of his head, both at the shock of the thick purple line running down her front, and at the amount of exposed bare cleavage. He suddenly wished he wasn't sitting so close to her. The warmth of her thigh next to his and the view of her nearly bare breasts were sending all the wrong messages to all the right places in his body. And to make matters worse, he desperately wanted to see more.
Now clearly able to see the mark on her chest, Mac pulled the nightgown away from her body and looked down at her torso.
Harm quickly looked up at the ceiling. The temptation to take a peek down her nightgown was unbearably strong. Maybe tonight wasn't a good night for this conversation. The idea was to tell her how much he'd grown to love her and need her and that he wanted to some day soon show her how much as only a man in love could, not to leer at her like she were some dime store display.
"It looks like the seatbelt left its mark." Mac dropped the nightgown back in place and glanced over at Harm. Noticing him looking awkwardly away, she placed her hand lightly on his thigh. "Harm?"
"Hmm?" Turning back to face her, he was relieved to discover she was once again covered up.
"It looks like bruising from the seatbelt. I'm sure it's nothing," Mindlessly, she patted his leg.
"Does it hurt?" Harm picked up his hand as though he was going to reach for her and quickly let it fall back to his side.
Lightly laying her hand by her heart, she gently pressed against her bruised skin. "No, but it does look awful, doesn't it?"
"I...uh...I tried not to look." Once again, Harm felt an immense heat pooling heavily where he really didn't need it.
"Why?" The word was out of Mac's mouth before she'd had a chance to censor herself.
"Why?" Harm's brows inched up nervously.
"That's what I said." She hadn't meant to say that out loud the first time, but now that she had, she would have liked an answer. She hadn't been able to figure him out. A few times he'd seemed to want her the way he used to. The two kisses they had previously shared felt real, they hadn't felt forced as though he were pretending. The same thing with the small gestures; they had felt natural too. Still, in the back of her mind she couldn't help but wonder if he was trying hard to be attentive, but didn't really want her the way he used to. She couldn't help thinking that maybe he was just going through the motions as he'd learned to do with so many other things.
"I uh, didn't think it was...appropriate."
"Appropriate?"
"Uh huh," he nodded. With responses like this, the legal profession certainly needn't worry he would ever return to litigating.
"Why?" It had been years since Mac had done this dance. She'd actually forgotten how frustrating it had been spending all those years in love and never connecting. Always walking on eggs, thinking and rethinking every word to come out of your mouth until what you said had absolutely nothing at all to do with what you meant. Now she was even more unsure than before. Was the man that had been so puritanical and slept on a chair all night in Russia rather than share a bed with a coworker behind all this double talk? Or did he simply not want her that way and had been trying to keep up the attempt of being a good husband?
"You deserve better, that's why I wanted to talk to you."
Mac felt her heart sink to her stomach. "I see."
She'd only said two words, but her eyes revealed the pain behind them. "Do you?" Harm reached out and gently ran his finger down along the edge of her bruising, stopping at the neckline of her nightgown.
Mac closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. His featherlight touch had sent rockets of electricity scattering to all points in her body.
Harm felt her chest rise under his fingertips. He could see the longing on her face hidden behind closed eyelids. He knew if he tried to take this further, she wouldn't say no. He'd known ever since that night on the dance floor.
Feeling his finger pull away, Mac slowly opened her heavy lids. When she looked into Harm's intense gaze, she saw his eyes were dark with the same raging passion that was burning inside her. He wanted her, there was no longer any doubt in her mind, but something was still holding him back. "What do I deserve?" she asked breathlessly, her eyes still locked on his.
"To be loved long and slow, not ogled by a thief in the night." Not moving his eyes from hers, he brushed his hand along the side of her face, bringing his thumb to rest on her soft lips. Her eyes had once again fallen shut at the feel of his delicate caress. Harm's heart was swelling at the knowledge that he could induce such a sweet response in her, and yet breaking at the doubts of who she wanted to love her.
Forcing her eyes open, Mac gently kissed his thumb. "You're not a thief in the night. You're the man I love."
Chapter 39Either Harm or Mac had gotten up a few times during the night to check on Tommy. The first time they'd pulled back the bedspread and crawled under the covers, immediately snuggling up in each other's arms the same way they had fallen asleep. The second time they climbed into bed, but instead of falling asleep as they had the time before, they made long, slow love again. The last time they slipped into bed, Harm chuckled as Mac snuggled into him.
"What's so funny?" she asked.
"I never imagined that at my age I could be so insatiable." Lifting the sheets slightly, Harm held them up long enough for Mac to get a glimpse of his once again growing interest. "I don't think I'll ever get enough of you." Pulling her back into his arms, he took a deep breath and tried not to think about how wonderful she felt against his skin.
Doodling her finger across his chest, "I, uh, thought you weren't sleepy?"
"I don't want to push," Harm answered seriously.
Mac studied his eyes. "I've waited a long time for you to want me again. Don't you ever pretend you don't."
Shifting his weight, Harm leaned over Mac, balancing on one elbow. "You know it's more than that, don't you? This isn't a matter of just wanting you. I've wanted you since the first night I came home."
Mac's eyes opened wide in surprise. "Is that why you wanted to sleep downstairs?"
"Part of it," he nodded. "But it wasn't long before I realized I was falling in love with you all over again."
Mac sat up. "Then why were you so distant?" She didn't understand.
"I thought you needed more time to grieve for who I was and learn to love me for who I am. AJ tried to tell me we were one and the same, but I didn't believe him."
"What made you change your mind?"
"I realized yesterday when I thought I might have lost you that regaining my past wouldn't be worth a damn if I didn't have a future with you. Then last night when you ran off a list of things you loved, it reminded me of the list AJ recited. They weren't identical, but the point was clear. You're in love with the man in here." Harm put his hand on his heart. "It was never what he did, it was why he did it." He brushed back a thin strand of hair from her face. "I love you Sarah Rabb."
"I love you." Burrowing under the covers, they created their own heat one more time.
Dragging himself out of bed the next morning, Harm was all too aware of the fact that he was going to need a nap today, a very long nap. Looking at the clock he wasn't surprised Mac had let him sleep in. Throwing on a pair of boxers and grabbing his robe, he glanced over at the night table. Nodding his head slowly, he opened the drawer and took out the plastic bag. It was time.
"Morning, sleepy head," Mac grinned from the kitchen counter. "Coffee's ready, I made it squid strength."
"Squid?" Harm curled his brow at her. He supposed he would have to accept that finally getting things right with Mac didn't mean that everything else would be miraculously perfect.
"Yeah. That's the Navy version of jarhead." Mac tried to keep the pleasant smile on her face. Harm seemed to take new revelations in stride these days, but she couldn't help feeling slightly apprehensive.
"In other words, watch who I say it to or I could wind up on the wrong end of a fist." Harm smiled his full flyboy smile.
"Something like that, yeah." Mac could almost hear the tension whooshing out of her like a leak in a hot air balloon. Turning to finish cleaning up after the kids' breakfast, her eyes blinked as she did a double take in Harm's direction. Walking slowly over to the coffeepot, she picked up his left arm. "You're wearing it."
"I, uh...I hope you don't mind. I...well, I thought it was time."
"No, I don't mind...I'm glad." Mac's eyes twinkled happily, only to have an unexpected awkwardness fall over them.
"Mac?"
"Hmm?" she took a step back before looking up at him.
"No." Reaching his arm around her waist he pulled her up tightly against him. "Nothing between us anymore. No pulling away, holding back what we're thinking." Watching a slow smile spread across her face, Harm kissed the top of her head. He knew better than to taste her lips or he'd risk giving the kids an early lesson on the birds and the bees.
Loosening his hold on her waist, he wondered out loud, "Am I ever going to get enough of this?" Smiling broadly, he noticed Mac blushing. "What?" he asked.
"I certainly hope not," she beamed.
Over the next few days, Harm was amazed at how different he felt. Not knowing the past was no longer the thorn in his side it had been. His focus now was on building a future, a great future with the woman and family he loved. He'd spent quite a bit of time talking about his options with Bud. As a retired naval attorney, Bud had considerable insight into Harm's legal options. The problem always seemed to return to Harm's lack of recalled experience.
On Thursday after the Thanksgiving football games they'd even gone so far as to sit down at Bud's home office and go over a few of his current cases. Though Harm was able to follow Bud's explanations easily, he had absolutely no insight or input. The law in private practice was simply not going to be an option either.
By the following Saturday, Harm had heard from Frank.
"Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you but things turned out to be a bit more complicated than I'd imagined."
"What things?" Harm gestured to Mac that he would take this call in the office, kissed her on the cheek, ran his hand across her six, grinned impishly, and walked off with the cordless phone at his ear.
"You may or may not remember, but I retired from Chrysler almost five years ago."
"I remember." He didn't actually remember the retirement, but he did remember his mom telling him Frank retired shortly after he and Mac moved to England.
"The last couple of years I've been on the board of directors for the Cities Future Foundation."
"Cities Future?"
"It's basically a mentoring program. It started out as a group of retired and semi-retired Chrysler execs helping out a few gifted but challenged inner city kids. The program has grown to not only include mentoring, but scholarships, internships, and other career placement assistance. We've got quite a payroll," Frank chuckled.
"I'm listening." Harm wondered what Frank was working up to. Harm had no corporate experience and even if he had, there'd be little of it he could remember.
"We've been talking about expanding the outreach of the foundation for over a year, but the board couldn't agree on where, how, or who."
"I see." Harm was starting to get an inkling of where Frank was going with this.
"We held a meeting last night. It was unanimous. Cities Futures is going to open an office in DC and we want you to run it."
Chapter 40
"You want me to what?"
"You heard me," Frank chuckled. "You'd be perfect. There will be a considerable amount of recruiting and fundraising, especially early on, but with your connections..."
"Connections? Frank, you know as well as I do that whoever I've dealt with in the past, I wouldn't recognize them if they stood in front of me with a nametag."
"Harm, your wife, Colonel Sarah Rabb, is on staff for the Joint Chiefs," Frank pointed out.
"Mac?"
"Yes, Mac. You remember her, tall, attractive woman, smart as a whip. There are people in that town who would kill for a connection like that."
"Frank. I can't put all of this on her."
"Harm, don't underestimate your circle of friends. AJ may be retired, but a two star still yields a considerable amount of influence. Bud is working for one of the more prestigious firms in DC. You have a lot more connections than you realize."
"Maybe, but I don't know the first thing about running a foundation."
"And no one expects you to. It would be the perfect opportunity to start fresh. You're a smart man, Harm. Just because it's unlikely you'll be able to ever practice law again doesn't mean you can't put that keen mind to use elsewhere."
Harm thought about what Frank was saying. He did like the idea of helping kids, especially kids at risk.
"Harm, there's a lot to go over. You don't have to say yes now, but think about it. When your mom and I are in Virginia for Christmas, I want you to help me check out some available office space, interview support staff, and meet with a few organizations that work with inner city teens. Then, after you've gotten a first hand look at it, you can tell me what you think."
"I'll talk to Mac, see what she thinks."
"Good. Sounds like things are going well for the two of you." Trish had pointed out to Frank that things somehow seemed different when she'd spoken with Harm and Mac more recently.
"Yeah, I think they are." Harm couldn't help but smile into the phone. They'd made so much progress in the last week since he'd done as Keeter had said and accepted how his wife felt about him. Sending the kids out to play and keeping Mac in bed hadn't hurt any, either.
Having ended the call, Harm returned the phone to its handset in the kitchen and looked around for his wife. Noticing the basement light on, he turned and headed downstairs.
"Did you have a nice chat with Frank?" Mac pulled a few things from the washing machine.
"It was certainly interesting." Harm wrapped his arms around his wife's waist, resting his chin on the top of her head.
"Interesting good, or interesting bad?" Mac tried to toss a few things in the dryer without disturbing Harm's hold on her. She didn't want to discourage the affectionate gesture, but sometimes his timing really stunk.
"I'm not sure." Harm felt Mac's struggle with the clothes and stepped to her left, taking the garments from her hand and placing them into the dryer.
"Want to tell me about it?" Reaching into the washer, she pulled out more clothes.
"He wants to expand his children's foundation."
"The one for inner city kids?" Smiling, Mac handed him a few more things to put in the dryer.
"That's the one. Do you know much about it?"
"Not really, but ever since he retired, Frank has been heavily involved. He took it from a small local organization to a recognized statewide group. They've become a prototype for other mentoring programs."
"He wants me to run a DC branch." Harm leaned back against the folding table.
"He does?" Mac let the shirt she'd grabbed fall back into the washer.
"He seems to think my 'connections' could be very helpful."
"He's probably right. You could easily get an awful lot of military participation. Think what a visit to a carrier, or a ride in a Hornet could do for kids who had never considered the military. Bud could help with private sector funding, and you know how AJ loves to work with kids and baseball. You'd be able to put together quite a team." Mac picked up the last shirt again and tossed it into the dryer. "What do you think?"
"Maybe, but I don't know anything about running a foundation."
"No, but I'm sure Frank would help. Besides, look what you did with Sarah. You read over the contracts, did the math and renegotiated. It saved us quite a bit of money too. I'm sure whatever Frank has in mind, it's probably easily within your retained skills range." Mac closed the door to the dryer, pushed the button, and turned to face her husband.
"I do like the idea of helping kids," Harm shrugged, circling his arms loosely around his wife.
"You're good at it too," Mac grinned up at him, resting her hands around his middle.
"I am?"
Mac nodded, "You were wonderful with Chloe, especially when she ran off and hid in the elevator shaft."
"The what?" Harm's brows shot up.
"Long story," Mac chuckled. "And even though Jen wasn't exactly a kid, you went a long way in turning her from petty thief to career Navy."
"That's what she says, but somehow I think you may have had more to do with that."
"No. She was your responsibility. All I did was make lots of hot chocolate."
"Then you think it's something I should seriously consider?" Harm pulled Mac a little closer.
"If you like the idea, yeah. When do you have to let Frank know?"
"Not until after Christmas. He's going to have me ride shotgun while he works out some preliminaries over the holidays."
"Then I say you have plenty of time to do your own research, maybe talk to Bud and AJ, see what they think." Mac placed a quick kiss on his lips.
"Not a bad idea. I think I'll do that." Harm was just about to kiss his wife more thoroughly when the rushing sound of heavy paws came thumping down the stairs and Lady stuck her large snout between the couple.
"I know, Lady, I know." Mac reached down and petted the dog.
"Know what?" Harm wondered; that the dog doesn't like us hugging?
"It's time to pick Trisha up from Girl Scouts. You want to flip for it?" Mac stepped back a little.
"Nah. I'll go get her. Maybe I'll head over to Bud's for a little while too."
Mac smiled and nodded. She had been worried about what Harm would do with himself. He was still spending small amounts of time learning and catching up, but it wouldn't be long before he'd be waking up with nothing to do, and that had worried her. Maybe this could be a good fit.