Badbreathbob- You're my first reviewer this time around! Yay! I'm glad you like the story! I hope you continue to read throughout this wonderfully random journey of ours!
Jessibelle- Yes, my fics are back from the dead. This one at least.
Karlabob- I feel worshiped. Is that a true feeling and/or emotion? Tis now! Well…yes, Mountain Dew® counts as sugar. Hooray for sugar!
Thepurpleluver- Yes, I was terrified of you "booh." Yes, yes, I'll do the damn Ashlee Simpson song. Ugh…but I shall leave it in.
DementersChild- Yes, tis sad I was deleted. But I am back now. I'm cold.
HBP- Yes, this is different. It's supposed to be weird. Not everyone will get it. You have to like random things and find the humor in them. I love you too!
ZadieCrowe- Glad you like! Hey, I have a great-aunt named Zadie!
Sally- Well, I most certainly don't want you to die, so I shall update now-Poof-
The theme song for this chapter does not exist.
This chapter is dedicated to my friend Allison because today is her birthday.
Chapter 2: Hide and Seek and Hoo
Ron stared at the erection in shock. This had never happened to him before. He was extremely scared and terrified. His squeal had made everybody in the compartment look at him. Now Hermione was graping…I mean gaping. Harry stared at his friend and said, "Holy chicken fried rice!"
Ginny giggled. "Ron!" she said. "What's that in your robes? Are you being silly? You silly goose!"
"Gin-Ginny?" Ron gulped. "Can-can you go talk to Neville for a bit?" He was still staring at his hard penis.
"Of course I can!" she answered, getting up and skipping out of the room. She shook her head and said, "Silly goose! You're wands sticking up from your pocket by the way." Ron frantically nodded.
When she'd gone, Ron locked the door and said, "What am I gonna do?"
"You gotta take care of it," Harry laughed, trying not to laugh.
"Huh?" Ron said, poking the tip his erection with his forefinger. It felt rather good.
"You gotta take care of it!" Harry repeated, rolling his eyes.
"What d'ya mean?" Ron asked, stupidly.
"Holy Tickle-Me-Elmo®!" Harry exclaimed, throwing his stuffed poodle out the window.
"Oh, for Merlin's sake!" Hermione shouted, throwing her book out the window and closing it (the window not the book). "Ron, you gotta beat off!"
"Ohhh!" Ron said, finally understanding. "B-but I don't know how. I mean, what if I do it wrong and y'know, it's fucked up for life? Of all the parts of my body that I don't want fucked up, that's definitely in the top five!" The other four of course are his eyes, his left hand, his right hand, and his pinky toe.
Hermione sighed and rolled up her sleeves. "Fine, I'll do it!"
"Holy ice capades!" Harry yelled. "I'm outta here," he looked back at Hermione. "Unless you wanna do me next," he said, winking.
"Harry," Hermione sighed. "I think you've had enough experience jacking off to last you a lifetime." Harry left, sulking. "Plus, the author is completely against H/Hr shipping and is very passionate about me and Ron. So don't count on getting any from me in any of her fics." "Okay," Hermione said, after she'd shut and locked the compartment door. "Pull it out."
Ron's ears went radish-like (not the color, they actually turned into radishes…). But, anyway, he did as he was told, because he liked to be dominated. He released his erect penis from its zipper prison and it popped out with a "shwing."
Hermione was squirting lotion into her hands and was about to grip the attentive soldier when a blue owl fluttered in through the closed window and vibrated softly. "Ooh!" said Hermione, turning away from Ron's hardness to stare at the bird.
Hedwig let out a small, "Hoo."
"Ooh!" Hermione repeated.
"Hoo," Hedwig stated matter-of-factly.
"Polly wanna cracker?" Hermione asked, holding out a lamb chop.
"Hoo!" Hedwig shouted. She was now becoming angry.
"Oh, you are just so cute!" Hermione explained.
"Hoo!" Hedwig said. She was now getting desperate.
"Well," said Hermione. "I shall keep you. Go up there with Hedwig." The owl obeyed.
"Oh!" Hermione exclaimed suddenly remembering Ron was exposed. "Now, I want you to know, Ron that I'm doing this just to be a friend. Not because I feel it's my duty as a woman."
"I know," Ron answered, eagerly.
"Hoo," said Hedwig in agreement. She had decided that if she were a human, she would be a feminist, too…and a lesbian.
Ron finally received his first hand job. After twenty minutes Hermione said, "God, Ron! Will you come already? My arm is getting tired!"
"Hold on!" Ron ejaculated. No, not what you're thinking, Gutter Mind! A few minutes later he ejaculated.
Hermione took her wand out and said, "Scourgify." And the mess disappeared.
Harry and Ginny re-entered. Ron's ears returned to normal with a pop. I like making that noise with my mouth. –Pop-
"Holy guacamole dip!" Harry exclaimed. He was extremely paranoid, being a pothead and all. "What was that!"
"My ears, they popped," Ron answered.
"Is the air pressure increasing?" Ginny asked, looking under her skirt. Then, noticing Harry had joined her she pulled it down and held her knees together.
"Look," said Hermione, pointing to the purple owl. "This is Hoo, my new owl."
"Why is his name Hoo?" Harry quandered. Is that a word? Well, it is now!
"Well, that's what Hedwig kept calling him," Hermione answered.
Dean Thomas burst into the room and said, "Have you seen Seamus?" He pondered.
"No!" They all yelled angrily in unison!
"Damn!" Dean plurted. Yet another new word. "We're playing hide and seek and I can't find him any where!" He turned and left.
The train stopped suddenly and they were all thrown into the wall.
"Holy pixie dust!" Harry exclaimed.
They were now at Hogwarts. Dun dun dun!
Will Hermione find the toast? Is there really a basket of mini-muffins under Professor McGonagall's desk? Can Ron yodel? Find out the answers to these questions and more next time in Harry Potter and the Unacceptable Title.
A/N 2- Before someone makes the comment, I'd like to point out that I know it's unusual for a guy to have his first erection so late in life. It's just a story.
Come on people! I know you can do better than eight reviews! I've seen you do it! This is unacceptable! Like the original title of this story! I shan't have it, I shan't! Please review! If you do I shall giveth you some Carmex®.