Thanks to all who reviewed! I love you all!

mInI-mE- Hey twin! I'm glad you like my story! It's so weird you read it before! Everything's so weird! I'm freaking out! I'm very happy I found you because now I've found my Mini-Me and my identical foot twin. My friend and I have identical feet. You know, like Joey on "Friends" has his identical hand twin? LOL. Well, I shall continue reading your story and I hope you'll do the same for me. Talk to you later!

KarlaBob- I really do feel worshiped. Thank you for giving me the worshiped feeling. I love you too.

Jessibelle- Hey! LOL. You don't know what Carmex® is? OMG! It's a really famous chapstick/lip balm. It's wax-ish and smells weird (weird not bad). It works really well. I continue to enjoy your organized reviews.

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greeneyedslytheryn- I'm glad you like the story. You're the only person who's ever said anything about not liking the holies. Most people love them (including me). So, I'm not going to take them out, but I hope you'll look past them and continue to read.

KMK- Yeah, it does suck like a vacuum. But I'll be ok. I'll be looking forward to your reviews.

Seikou- Yay you reviewed! Yay David! Hee hee. Well, tis very very late. Going to bed. Love ya lots.

This chapter is dedicated to Molly who is my Internet twin, my mini-me.

Chapter 3: Trimspa and Jim

Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked into the Great Hall and took their seats at the Gryffindor table. Professor McGonagall brought the three-legged stool in with the Sorting Hat on top. I have decided that the stool lost his leg in Vietnam. Professor McGonagall placed the stool and hat in front of the whole school. Hee hee…stool and school rhyme.

The nervous and slightly scared by slightly scared I mean so terrified they're about to fuckin' pee in their pants first years entered, looking nervous and…slightly scared. When they were all silent the hat burst into…flame. Yes, the hat burst into flame. When McGonagall managed to put it out, it burst into song:

"To you I may be an eyesore

But I'll decide where you belong

Slytherin, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, or Gryffindor

Now on with my dumbass song

Maybe you'll be in Slytherin

Trashy, wretched, and vile

A state of gloom will you be in

Out for yourself all the while

Or perhaps wise old Ravenclaw

When you grow up, you'll be well paid

But the least sense of humor I ever saw

It'll take all your money to get you laid

Though it could be Hufflepuff

Where most are kind and/or homosexual

They are nice and let you borrow stuff

Most give head like professionals

Or you may be a Gryffindor

Where you'll like to be the hero

Here the rules apply no more

But you'll be extremely horny, sooo

Put me on

And I shall tell

End of song

You can all go to hell."

When the hat finished the song, it burst into flame…again. And Professor McGonagall put it out…again. She went through the names of the new students. She started with Bacchanal, Latrice (whom was put in Slytherin) and ended with Xyloid, Simpleton (whom was put in Ravenclaw). When Simpleton Xyloid had sat down at the Slytherin table (he was very obnoxious and didn't like being told what to do) the Sorting hat burst into flame…again. It was two minutes before Professor McGonagall realized it this time.

When she had beaten the flaming hat out, she checked its pulse. There, of course, wasn't one. So she threw the hat into the garbage bin.

"Oh, dear," said Dumbledore. "We've still got one student left to be sorted…Oh! I've got it! Jim, will you come here please?"

A boy climbed down from the pine tree that stood in the middle of the Great Hall. He sheepishly (not shyly, he pretended to be a sheep) walked up to the front.

"This is Jim Eff," Dumbledore stated. "He is our foreign exchange student from America."

Hermione gaped…I mean graped…no, wait…anyway, she whispered to Harry and Ron, "We've never had a foreign exchange student before."

Harry rolled his eyes and said, "Holy glue sticks!"

Ron said, "We know! We've been here as long as you have." They turned back to Dumbledore, who had stopped talking. When they were silent again he began talking…again.

"We've traded another student for Jim. That student was dun dun dun! Cho Chang." There was an eruption of cheers. "We traded her, because everyone knows she's an annoying, stupid, bitchy, slut and no one likes her." There was more applause. "But since we no longer have the Sorting Hat, I have a new plan. Professor Trelawney, could you come here, too, please?"

Professor Trelawney walked from the staff table to where Jim was. "Now, Jim," said Dumbledore. "Instead of putting the Sorting Hat on your head, you shall hold Professor Trelawney above your head and she shall tell you what house you'll be in."

Professor Trelawney looked terrified but Jim did as he was told. Professor Trelawney thought for a moment then shrugged and said, "Gryffindor?"

Jim put her down and went to the Gryffindor table. "Now, on with the announcements," said Dumbledore. "We have two new teachers with us this year. Professor Obfuscate and Professor Dim. Professor Dim will be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts and Professor Obfuscate will be teaching a new subject, Group Therapy. Well, umm…yeah, rules, rules, rules…blah, blah, blah. Let's eat!"

When everyone had eaten so much they thought they were going puke (and some did), they went to their Common Rooms. When the Gryffindors reached their's they received a shocking surprise. They gasped in unison. Gasp! The Fat Lady in the pink dress was now the Skinny Lady in the red dress.

"Wow!" said Seamus. "What happened to you!"

"Trimspa, baby," the Skinny Lady answered, winking.

"Oh!" said Hermione, who was Head Girl who else?. "Is that why the password is 'Eat your heart out, Atkins'?"

The Skinny Lady nodded and the portrait swung open. They all clamored in and most of them went to their dormitories. However, Ron, Jim, Harry, Hermione, Dean, and Seamus decided to stay in the Common Room and talk.

"So, Jim," Ginny said. "How much can you bench press?"

"What?" they all said.

"Just thought it was a good topic to start off on," Ginny said, dropping her bag of highlighters into the bathtub that was in the middle of the Common Room and blushing like a raccoon who was caught eating a rotten banana from the garbage of an elderly divorced/widowed Muggle woman.

"It's okay," Jim said. "Two hundred. And you?"

"Uh…" Ginny said, blushing even more. Now she looked like an elephant caught eating a rotten banana from the trash of an elderly divorced/widowed Muggle woman. "I—I probably can't even bench the bar."

"Me either," Hermione giggled, throwing her shoes into the fire.

"Two hundred also," said Ron.

"One-forty," said Harry.

"One-fifty and a quarter," said Dean.

"Fuck," said Seamus laughing. "I can barely bench a doughnut."

They stayed up talking for ages until they all fell asleep in the Common Room. Hermione's shoes burning warmly in the flames.

Will Hermione like the toast? Will Ron bench something? Will Harry meet Sarah Michelle Gellar? The answers to these questions and more next time in Harry Potter and the Unacceptable Title.

Please review. If you do, I'll give you all a massage! Yay for massages!