Okay! Here's chapter four! I've got some great news! I'm getting the Internet hooked back up at my house so updates will be more frequent. Yay!
Thanks so much to those of you who reviewed. I love you bunches!
HBP- Keep in mind I'm being stupid in this story. And no, I don't have a life. Amber says Captain Crunch®.
ZadieCrowe- LOL. I feel loved…and stalked…LOL. Thanks so much. I'm glad you like it. Amber thinks you're weird (but tis not a bad thing to be weird because Amber is crazy).
KarlaBob- I'm glad you laughed. Yay. I'm sorry you're sick. Get better now! I continue to feel worshipped. Amber says don't throw up Captain Crunch®.
DemetersChild- Yay! Glad you liketh. I had to take Johnny Depp out because I was scared. You can get in trouble on the site if you put people like that in your stories. So I sadly had to change it. Yes Cho is evil! Harry's holies are very popular. Glad you like them. Amber says you can't have Johnny Depp because he is hers.
griffendorgirl- I'm glad you like it! Your song requests have been noted. Please continue to review. Amber says "I'm weird, you're weird, but so what we're all weird."
Fiyren-Valkyrie- Glad you like. I'm also glad you agree with me about Cho because I HATE her. Amber says she's thirsty and she wants some Dr. Pepper®.
jackblack- Glad you like the story. Yes, it is longer. I'm reposting it because I got deleted. I'm doing it like a regular fic though. Amber says your name sounds like a cigar.
Regan- LOL. Thank you. Amber says hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
Jessibelle- Thanks so much. Everyone seems to like the Sorting Hat's song. I'm glad because I wrote it all by me oncey. I continue to love your organized reviews. Amber says she likes your name.
Meditation6- Thanks, I'm glad I'm back too. Glad I'm able to cheer you up. Amber says the dog smells like a dog.
Chapter 4: Daddy and OFF
The next day they all woke up late (but all at the same time) and had to hurriedly get dressed. Hermione was desperately looking around the Common Room for her shoes.
"You threw them in the fire," Harry said, slipping his own on ha ha own on! as if to rub it in. That's just like saying "I have shoes and you don't! Nananananana!"
"Just go barefoot," said Ginny, helpfully tossing the janitor keys out the window. Ron, who had developed a foot fetish over the years, nodded vigorously.
Hermione sighed, "Alright."
As they were walking down the hall, a Hufflepuff boy named Nic screamed.
"Holy hell!" they all said in unison. Because we all know how often seven people say the exact same thing at the exact same time.
"Ewww!" Nic said, pointing at Hermione. "You're barefoot! That's gross! And the Harry Potter books are stupid. Blah, blah, blah."
"You're not supposed to mention the books to us, dumbass!" Hermione shouted sniggorously. That's not a word. Oh, well, now it is. "We're not supposed to know we don't exist!" I have trouble convincing myself this…not that I exist, that the Harry Potter characters don't exist. Wait, do I exist?
"Wizards don't ride brooms!" Nic continued, with more stupidity than anyone in the world has ever heard. "And J.K. Rowling practices witchcraft!"
"That's stupid. You have no idea what you're talking about!" Hermione screamed. "I'm not arguing with you!"
"Fine," said Nic, shooting an arrow at the apple on Neville's head as he walked by, "I'll go argue with the author because that is my only joy in life! Mwuahahahah!"
A bag of bricks fell on Nic's head and knocked him unconscious. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dean, Jim, and Seamus walked into their first class, Defense Against the Dark Arts.
"Good," Professor Dim said. He had sexy black hair and sexy brown eyes. And he was sexy. "You're here. I can start." They sat down. Hermione stared at the extremely sexy teacher. "Welcome!" He said, lighting up a cigarette sexily. "This is Defense Against the Dark Arts. Or I suppose you can call it DADA. No, actually, from now on this course shall be called 'Daddy.'"
"But, sir," Hermione said, raising her wand...I mean, hand. Damn it! "Why?"
"Because," Professor Dim said. "I said so. I don't need a reason. Now, in Daddy, you will learn about defending yourself against naughty things. Now, I want you to write an essay on everything you don't know..."
"But, sir," Hermione said stretching her hand up as far as it would go. "How can we write about what we don't know?"
Professor Dim walked slowly toward her with his hand inside his robes. "Can you say that into the Furby?" he said, holding out a small black and white Furby.
"What?" Hermione asked confuzzled. That is a word. In my vocabulary at least, it is. For those of you who don't know, it means confused. Thank you.
"All questions shall be said into the Furby. And when the Furby is full, I shall answer the questions," Professor Dim replied.
"How will you" Hermione began. Professor Dim moved the Furby closer. "Oh, never mind!" she said, tossing her bowl of Cheerios® into the litter box in the middle of the room.
"Now," said Professor Dim. "Start on your essays of everything you don't know now...or don't...it's due...whenever. I don't give a damn what you do." He lit up another cigarette, after throwing the butt of the other one in the litter box. "Just don't touch my Jack Daniels!" He walked out of the room, shutting the door.
"Holy glow in the dark condoms!" Harry exclaimed.
"Well," Hermione sighed. "He just...I don't like him."
"What?" Parvati said, sniffing her fingernail polish. "He's so cute!"
"And he doesn't care what we do!" Ron said.
They decided to have a party in the litter box.
When it was time to go, Professor Dim re-entered. "Okay, get the fuck out."
They obeyed and went off to the Great Hall for lunch. Hermione was still barefoot.
Hermione had just started her Oreos® and peanut butter yummy! when Hoo flew in and landed on Harry's head.
"Holy Gummi Bears!" Harry exclaimed. He picked up the green owl and handed it to Hermione.
She untied the letter and read it to herself. Then she folded it up and placed it in the plate of bacon. She noticed Ron staring at her.
"Who was that from?" he asked, throwing the salt shaker over his shoulder and knocking out a third year Ravenclaw boy. "It wasn't from Vicky was it?"
"NO!" Hermione said. "Viktor died in a freak penguin accident last year! You know, with the bus! That was from my mum. My Uncle Herbert died."
"Holy Mouseketeers!" Harry exclaimed. "I'm sorry, Hermit Crab!"
"It's okay," Hermione sighed, spooning a mouthful of Captain Crunch® the best cereal EVER! into her mouth. "No one liked him anyway. He smelled like fingernail polish remover."
"Oh," said Ron. "You wanna go have sex?"
"No," Hermione replied pouring her milk on Crookshanks's head.
That night in the Common Room, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting...in the Common Room.
"Wanna go have sex now?" Ron asked.
"No," Hermione replied.
"Oh, give it up!" Harry said, rolling his third blunt for that evening.
"Who?" Ron asked.
"Where?" Hermione said, looking around the room.
"Are you telling me to give up trying, or are you telling Hermione to give it up to me?" Ron perplexed.
"Both of you...no...I don't give of fuck! Holy Bible! Quit interrogating me!" Harry exclaimed. His eyes dodged around the room quickly.
"You wanna go for a walk?" Ron asked.
"Yes," Harry answered.
"Not you," Ron said, straightening his panty hose. (Harry's not his own).
They walked out onto the grounds and sat down by the lake. "Can we have sex now?" Ron asked.
"No," Hermione answered, slapping her foot. She was still barefoot.
Ron sighed. He took his panty hose off and gave them to the Giant Squid for a snack. (His own, not Harry's). Hermione slapped her arm. After five minutes of silence, Hermione slapped Ron in the face.
"OW!" Ron said. "What was that for?"
"Mosquito," Hermione answered.
"Well I don't think you should punish me for what some mosquito did!" Ron erupted. "Hermione?"
"Yeah?"
"You know what?" Ron said.
"I'm being eaten alive!" Hermione said, slapping her leg.
"What?" said Ron, confuzzled. "No you're not! They're just mosquitoes!"
"Well, when my leg is gone...maybe you'll realize!" Hermione said angrily.
"Here," Ron said, pulling a bottle of Tropical Fresh OFF® out of his robes.
Hermione quickly grabbed the spray and...sprayed it on. "This OFF® smells like bubble gum."
"Hmm...that's weird," Ron said. "Do you have any gum?"
"What?" Hermione said.
"Don't you speak English?" Ron stated. "Tienes chicle?"
"No tengo," Hermione replied. "Pero creo Harry tiene. Preguntes el."
"No quiero preguntar Harry," Ron replied. "Le gusto comer mis pantalones cuando hablo con el. Tengo tres ojos."
"Why are we speaking Spanish?" Hermione asked.
"No se," said Ron. "Should we continue?"
"No," Hermione answered, irritably. "I think this shit is attracting them more!"
"Oh, you're exaggerating," Ron said.
"Well, like I said, when my leg is gone, maybe then you'll realize."
"Realize what?" Ron questioned.
"That I'm being eaten alive!" Hermione screamed.
"Do you wanna go in?" Ron asked, sympathetically.
"Yes."
They got up and walked back to the castle. "Can we have sex now?" Ron asked.
"No," Hermione replied.
The Skinny Lady was making out with Sir Cadogan when they reached the portrait. Hermione gave the password. When they climbed through Ron said, "Can we have sex tomorrow?"
"No," Hermione replied. They went to their dorms. Ron closed his hangings and sighed. He pulled out his moving picture of Hermione and said to himself, "Damn! I gotta hit that!"
Will Ron hit it? Is Nic still alive? Does it matter? How cute is the Chihuahua? Is Professor Dim legally insane? Find out the answers to these questions and more next time in Harry Potter and the Unacceptable Title.