2200, Day 2:"You've got to be joking," Leon said with a chuckle.
"I kid you not. That was as enjoyable as having my genitalia ripped out with a lint roller." I responded, finally finishing my monolog of the events preceding the thought destroying, mangled mass of shit that was the parade.
We had, eventually, settled in a sleazy motel on the outskirts of CC. Leon and I managed to pool together enough money for the cheapest room available. That didn't leave much for the gender defying hookers at the entrance. Those things came running from the motel, their faces plastered with so much make-up that their sex was nearly impossible to determine. Leon finally chased them away by asking why so many men hung out around the motel. That got their tubes tied in a knot. For hookers, they did a pretty good job acting insulted. They stamped off in the direction of their "working positions", looking as angry as they possibly could under their thick, powdery coats . Leon gave me a puzzled glance. I think he was serious.
Speaking of Leon, I finally managed to pick him out a trench coat I stole from a department store. You know, its pretty damn easy to walk away with something when swarms of dumb, slack-jawed yokels ask even dumber employees questions like, "Is this made out a rayon or polyester?"
With a side glance, even I could tell it was good ol' fashioned cotton. The hopeless employee told him "Uhhhh, I think it's plastic," ...How do these people manage to survive? Scratch that, why don't I put them out of their misery?
Anyway, Leon and I had finally got to our room. The place was not quite as bad as I thought it would be. It was actually semi-clean. The power worked and there was even an old leather couch where Leon had just planted his scaly little arse.
"Weeell," the chameleon said, "Looks like I've been out done in the excitement department.
After I saw you get downed in that freak accident, (I knew it wasn't just I who knew it was an accident.) I ended up getting three bogies in my ass."
"You mean two bogies in your ass." I interjected matter-of-factly.
"No, three. The frog actually abandoned pursuit of The Idiot to attack me," he said with a smile. We both knew who The Idiot was. The Idiot and Fatass had been signed on as a part of the contract with Andross. We thought that we might as well have a couple other members, since, it wouldn't hurt our salaries. Boy, did we regret it. The fatfuck couldn't keep his hands off an artery clogging substance for ten seconds, even when he was flying. As for the monkey, well, he couldn't fly his head out of his ass if you aimed him at the opening and locked his stick on straight and level. Leon began again with a small grunt.
"All three came after me in a ball vice. I used the ejector seat and got my ass out of there. After that, I took the first ship I could find and 'commandeered' it."
He pulled a knife from his pocket and waved it in front of his face.
"Then I set the piece of crap on auto-pilot."
It must have been the same model as the junker I 'flew' in.
"That's not all of it, is it?" I knew this guy. He always goes out with a bang.
"Okay, fine! I wanted it to be a surprise, you know," He reached over to the remote resting beside the bed and attempted to pick it up. A few moments, (and a good bit of effort later) he wrenched it free. The thing came off along with about a half inch of gum wads and other crap. I dared not guess at what they were. So much for the place being semi-clean. Leon held it gingerly, trying to touch it as little as possible while flipping on the in-wall monitor. All to soon, the image of a slick haired, shit in teeth reporter smiled at me from channel 550's Xtreme broadcast studio.
"...witnesses say the incident occurred as Reverend James was completing a sermon on, as he quotes, "God's retribution on sinners." Sadly, the good reverend did not survive the lightning strike." I seriously cried after that bit of news. Man, I haven't laughed that hard in a long, long, time. Even Leon chuckled at that little piece of irony. See, there is such a thing as karma.
Leon interrupted my laughter, "Hey, hey, shut up! Here it is." He then did something that got my full attention; he sat up in a more erect fashion. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he sat up, big friggin' deal. You obviously don't know shit about chameleons, for Leon, this was considered a dynamic response.
"...and now, an update from the Lylatain Intelligence Center. (Now that's an oxymoron.) Taking you to the front is George Hammil, George." The screen panned over to an incompetent canine in a god-knows-how-many-dollar suit trying desperately to compose himself. Behind him, a large cloud of smoke billowed from a now unrecognizable structure of twisted steel and concrete. In the epicenter of the smoke, the remains of a Box Model, Shit Class, Dick Lugger transport ship appeared to be interspersed among the rubble of the building. Leon bursted out laughing and clapped his hands together; his skin turned a bright green.
"I am, the great Leon," He finished with a little spurt of joy.
"Dammit, Leon, shut up! I'm missing the X-treme report!" I dead panned. His skin returned to its normal tint as his elation faded.
"... yes, the authorities determined the accident occurred because of a malfunction in the navigation system,"
Leon smirked, "It was the navigation system, really."
"... reports say that the two pilots, three researchers, and fifteen ground crew were found dead. Fourteen others were injured. In other news..."
"Goddamn, Leon," I walked over and turned the monitor off(I sure as hell wasn't touching that remote), "I thought I was clever driving that truck off the bridge."
"Yeah, I chuted out about 4 miles away after I programmed the auto pilot to land in the basement of the building. I also mapped out the nearest urban area before bailing."
That was all well and good, but I needed to find out a way to get the hell off this planet and to my safety deposit boxes on Zoness, "Well, since you always have the incredible ability to pull plans out of your ass, how are we going to get the hell out of here?"
"Well, let's see," He shifted around a bit. "We could very easily barter our way off this rock. But there is one other way."
"Spit it out, Jackass," After taking stock of the situation, I wasn't in the mood to play games.
"I know where they're taking our Wolfens."
"Why in the hell would they need our Wolfens?"
"No goddamn clue. But, I know they had a transporter for them and everything."
I was about to ask him how the hell he got all this info, but, he decided to answer my question before it even came out of my big, shit-talking, mouth, "I got it off of the two pilots I slagged before jetting out of there. They're taking them to some place called the F.R.S station."
"The Federation Rectum Stretcher? I've had that done to me plenty of times," I said with a smile, By that, I mean, I've been screwed by the Cornerian Government plenty of times.
Leon just gave me a cold stare, "Yeah, that's the place. Anyways, I know an old Venomian spy who, as you probably have already guessed with your superior intellect(damn straight), has been put on a very long unemployment line. Throw some cash in his face and he'll bend over backwards and screw himself for us."
I liked the sound of that. Being the perfect person to find the equipment for jobs like these, I had already thought of the perfect person, "I got the gear. I have an old acquaintance, whom, I 'did a favor for' a long while back who owes me her ovaries and then some. Luckily for me, she has connections with arms dealers."
Leon gave me a questioning glance, "Old girlfriend?"
"No, a fifty year old bag of sagging skin, don't ask."
"I won't,"
Normally, I would have gone on with this for hours, but I was fucking tired. "I'm going to pass out on the roach motel," I pointed at the bed. "We can continue this lovely conversation, later."
"Suit yourself, pussy."
Day 3, 0900: Waking always goes in a cycle for me. First, I wake up. Then, I stare at an insignificant speck on a wall until I can finally motivate my ass to get up and do something. Today, that would be very different. I woke up as usual, but I felt something behind me that shouldn't be there. I glanced behind me to see a sleeping, scaly, face behind me. Covers, sheets, and pillows all went airborne as I threw myself off the bed. I landed on the heavily ground in a tangled heap.
A sleepy eye appeared over the side of the mattress, "What?"