Thanks so much to my lovely reviewers. I love you much. In the lead (still) is Jessibelle with 1,860 points.
BraveheartJr- LOL. Well, I'm glad you like my fic and you think it's funny. I've got a strange mind, yes. You have 310 points so far.
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ZadieCrowe- Hola chica! Yah, that was the toy I was talking about. Kurt knows everything? Hmm…LOL. You're getting married? What? How old are you again. Well, congratulations. I'm glad your net is working now. You have 205 points so far.
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harrypotterismine-ilovehim- I think that it was called the Jitter Bug or something like that. I can't remember. Remind me and I'll link you to my xanga later. Glad you liked. You have 625 points so far.
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N.C. PsyChick- Your request has been granted. I better feel the love. LOL. Ah, yes I would suppose lawn gnomes would make a mess when making sandwiches because they are so small. May I ask what the N.C. is for in your name? Does it have anything to do with North Carolina? Because that is where I live and I'm curious. Well, you have 930 points.
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Certified-weirdo- LOL. Your first review made me confuzzled but it also made me giggle. Where do you live? Trimspa® is a weight-loss pill. At least I think it's a pill. I haven't seen the commercial in a while. But it is something to do with weight-loss. You have 330 points.
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Jessibelle- Yes, you are in the lead. LOL. It was hard to get over the loss of my Skittle® but I'm okay now. To get ® all you do is put an R in parenthesis. If you make a few typos it will not make people think you're stupid. Everyone makes typos. Believe me I'm big on spelling too. But it's not that serious, for seriously. Why are you afraid of the number four? Does it have something to do with the Dursley's address? LOL. Yes! Bumble Ball! They also had something called a Jitter Bug though. You did tell me that the first time around. And I contemplated taking it out of the chapter but then decided to leave it in but I don't remember why. You now have 1,860 points. You are an excellent reviewer.
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Chapter 9: Nicole and Faking It
Hermione walked over and sat next to Jonas. She poured herself some tea.
"Why are you here?" she asked, throwing the crumpets into the hamper in the middle of the doorway.
"I am dropping off my sister," Jonas said. "Nicole. She's going to be the new Sex Ed. teacher."
"Oh," said Hermione. She got up and went to the girls' dormitory. There, she found Ginny crying as though she was a sheep who'd been sheered of its fur and so on and so forth. "Oh, now Ginny!" Hermione fumbled. "It'll be okay!"
"No it will not!" Ginny sobbed.
"Hold on!" Hermione shouted. "You had to have had sex, hadn't you!" That's a lot of 'had's. And 'have' is a conjugation of 'had.' Wait, 'had' is a conjugation of 'have.' Woo…
"Are you asking if I had sex?" Ginny quivered.
"Yes," Hermione answered.
"Yes, I did," Ginny exulted.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Hermione shrieked, shaking like a cow that has been diagnosed with mad cow disease, whilst on crack.
"I'm sorry," Ginny said. "Would you like me to tell you now?"
"Yes'm" Hermione answered, climbing the ladder up to Ginny's bed. It wasn't a bunk bed. It was just very high up. Ginny was claustrophobic, but obviously not afraid of heights. If she was afraid of heights she did a very stupid thing by making her bed so high off the ground. "You may begin."
"Well," Ginny began, tossing her sock over her shoulder. "Me and Harry were in the charms classroom. He was teaching me how to wear my bra properly. Because, apparently, I've been doing it wrong for years. But, anyway…then he kissed me. And at first, I didn't know what to do. But then I put my tongue in his mouth. Well, after that we took off our clothes and he fucked me. But he said I wouldn't get pregnant if we did it standing up. But he was wrong. He-was-wrong!"
"Yes, Ginny," Hermione said, comforting her friend. "He was wrong. Look at this." Hermione pulled a book out of her bag. It was a very thick book. "My mother gave it to me when I turned sixteen."
She opened the book and scanned through the pages. Finally she found what she was looking for.
"Finally," she said. "I found what I was looking for. It says here:
'It doesn't matter what position you are in when you have sex, you will get pregnant. It doesn't matter if you are in missionary position does anyone understand that? Why is it called 'missionary'? I am sure that missionaries would not appreciate that very much, having a sexual position named after them. I guess it's not important…although, one old reviewer told me that the reason they called it that was because if they were going to have sex, then that was the only holy way to do it, doggy style position now that one makes sense, standing up, sitting down, in water, in the backseat with the windows up, in a candy store, in the back row at the movies, or any other way you can twist, turn, bend or move, you will still get pregnant. You will get pregnant and then horrible things will happen to you. Your father will kill you. You will make your mother cry. Do you want that? Do you? Huh?'
"I think that's enough," Hermione said, snapping the book shut. A floral printed owl flew into the girls' dormitory. "Hello, Hoo," Hermione smiled.
Hoo handed her the letter…well, not exactly because Hoo didn't have any hands. You can't hand someone something if you have no hands. That completely contradicts the action. Anyway…then he flew out of the window into the sunset.
Hermione read the letter. It said:
"You are to report to Mr. Filch's office this instant or he shall have the ketchup taken from the Gryffindor table."
Hermione sighed and got up. "I'll be back Ginny. You stay here and cry like a sheep that has been sheered of its fur over the horrible disgrace you will have brought upon your family."
When Hermione reached Mr. Filch's office she was surprised to find Crookshanks sitting next to Mrs. Norris on the moth-eaten chair, which was eaten by moths. Filch was sitting at his desk and glared at her.
"Do you know what has happened?" he asked her.
"Oh, no," she said. His tone worried her. "The crayons? Have the crayons been stolen by that unstable porcupine, again? Damn that porcupine! Damn all the porcupines!"
"No, afro-head!" Filch yelled. "Your stupid feline got my precious pregnant!"
"That's ridiculous, sir," Hermione said. "Crookshanks cannot get a ring pregnant."
"I'm talking about Mrs. Norris!" he spat.
Hermione wiped the spittle out of her eyes and said, "That is impossible. Crookshanks is a flaming homosexual." I don't mean to offend anyone!
"Well, apparently he a sizzling bisexual because I found these two screwing in the broom closet!" he spat. "I got Professor Dim to give Mrs. Norris a test and she's pregnant."
"Well…what do you want me to do about it?" Hermione asked, again rubbing her eyes to get rid of the saliva.
"I want to know there will be child support!" Filch shouted.
"Fine!" Hermione shouted back.
Suddenly, the door burst open and Ron entered, panting. "The-lizards-are-attacking!"
Hermione heard Harry's voice running down the hall (along with the rest of him), "Holy chocolate moose!"
Dumbledore's voice boomed over them. "EVERYONE GATHER ALL THE PAPRIKA YOU CAN. IT IS THE ONLY WAY WE CAN DEFEAT THE LIZARDS!"
Hermione dashed to Filch's desk and picked up the tiny paprika shaker. She ran into the hall with Ron and saw a hundred lizards scurrying everywhere. People were gushing into the hall with their own paprika and began throwing it on the lizards. Hermione did the same.
Finally, the lizards became lethargic. Everyone sighed. Dumbledore's voice boomed over them again. "THE LIZARDS HAVE BEEN DEFEATED! ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE A PET LIZARD MAY HAVE ONE!"
Hermione picked up the small lizard that was nearest to her. She petted him and smiled. "I shall call you Russell," she said.
The next day at breakfast, Hermione sat at the table petting Russell. Russell was a good lizard. He was very nice.
"I wonder what would happen to my lizard if I flexed it," Hermione said.
"Holy inflatable condoms!" Harry exclaimed.
Ginny walked up to the table and didn't say a word. She sat down and didn't look at Harry. She also didn't take the knife and spread butter on her toast. And she most certainly didn't eat it.
"Ginny," Harry said. "I'm sorry."
Ginny smiled. "I forgive you."
"But it was still your fault," Harry said.
Ginny turned red. "Well, you know what? Mr. I-Just-Want-Mine-The-Girl-Don't-Mean-Nothing! I faked it. That's right. I didn't even have an orgasm. I faked it!"
"Holy JC Penny catalogs!" Harry exclaimed. "How dare you!"
Ginny looked at him and said, "I never want to see you again!" She turned and stomped off.
"Holy staple gun!" Harry exclaimed. The following line is to be read/said in the slow southern drawl of Forest Gump. –Guhuh!- n.n "But I love you, Gin-ny!"
Ginny didn't turn around.
Suddenly, it got extremely hot. Hermione's afro grew three sizes larger than normal. Russell the lizard got frightened climbed up in it.
"It's time for Sex Education," Hermione said. "We have another teacher."
They walked into the classroom and found Professor Nicole. They took their seats and stared at her. She blinked. They blinked. She blinked again. They blinked again.
Then she spoke, "Hello. This is Sex Ed. and I have asked Professor Deep…I mean, Dim, ahem, to help me with some demonstrations." Professor Dim entered. "Now, William, lay on the table."
Dim obliged.
Professor Nicole smiled and said, "Now, the proper way to put on a condom is…"
Suddenly, Professor McGonagall burst into the room. "I am terribly sorry! But this cannot be allowed! Nicole and William! You are fired! Students! Go to your Common Rooms!"
Dim and Nicole left the room. Apparently they were going to the hotel in Hogsmeade.
When Harry returned to the Common Room he pouted in the squishy chair. He began to quickly sink into the squishiness. Suddenly, Ginny bounded into the room and shouted, "Harry! I'll save you!"
She jerked Harry up from the squishiness and hugged him. "I love you!" she said.
"Holy chicken cacciatore!" Harry exclaimed. "You saved my life! I love you too."
And all was well.
Will Ginny and Harry be able to live without fighting? Will Ron and Hermione ever have sex? Is Russell actually a spy from the Dominican Republic? Find out the answers to these questions and more next time in Harry Potter and the Unacceptable Title.
A reviewer suggested I give points for IMing me. So I will. If you IM me from this day forward you shall get 200 extra points. My SNs are in my profile.