This is Chapter 11, meaning it has gone bankrupt. This chapter is taking donations and appreciates them very much. It's also taking sympathy.
This chapter is dedicated to my friend Patrick because he makes me laugh.
Hello my wonderful reviewers! Thank you so much for your support and reviewing of the fic! I love you dearly. Now, on with the amazingly long list of comments back to all you awesome people. –Hands you your party peanuts-
AngelOnIce30- Hello Brianna darling! Yes, I hate that your comp is a knickerbocker. Glad you love the fic and me! I love you too! I do feel the love, I do!
HBP- Glad you like the story! Does it really make you laugh? I'm glad. Keep reading, love ya.
Kimi504- To answer your questions: Yes, yes, and no there's not an abundance of cashews if you ate them. LOL. I've never heard that particular song before. But the whole pillow/marshmallow thing is just an old joke. I liked it and decided to use it. But I liked the song, thanks for bringing it to my attention!
Heartless-Ice-Princess-Lucille- Um…I really don't know how to respond to your review because all it consisted of was the letter "I." I'd really love to hear your opinion. I don't know why all the review says is "I." Maybe the review got messed up somehow. But hey, it's a review so thanks for the "I."
Gonzy Rocks Blisters- Oh, the confuzzledness. Oh well, as long as you're straight now. You shall find out soon enough why Tori is an attorney. LOL. Be patient my dear.
Silver Dragon Princess- I'm glad you like my story! LOL, thank you. I like Harry's Holies too. Why do you like "Holy cucumber salad!"?
Scallyluvsherself- Thank you so much! But like I've said before, I don't so much rock as I do sway slightly. Your review put a big smile on my face. You're super sweet. Thanks again! Hope you continue to enjoy my fic!
Patrick- Hello darling! I enjoy writing the little stupid questions at the end, too. Again, I don't rock so much as I do sway slightly. Bricks seem to be hanging in the air waiting to fall on random people I guess. I didn't notice I'd done it more than once. But oh well. Why do you like my author's notes? I've gotten a couple people who don't like them. But I'd never get rid of them. LOL, no hun. A cork is what plugs up the champagne/wine bottles. You should now know what a quark is. The story has touched you deeply? How so? LMAO. Well, I'm glad you like my fic. Love ya lots!
Seikou- Yay! You finally reviewed! This makes me happy. LOL, umm…sad water came to me out of the blue. LOL, I'm so happy you finally reviewed. How's lover boy? AOML. Well, keep reviewing and remember I love ya!
CSIGregSandersFan- LOL. Yes, the chase is on!
Feather- LMAO! "Goat nipples" is an awesome suggestion for a Holy! I love it. Thanks ever so much. I'm glad you like my fic! Tis quite alright to be crazy!
ZadieCrowe- Hey babe! LOL, Jim is gone forever. I don't know about Fabio and Oscar. We'll just have to see about them. I think I can believe it's not butter. Okay, I shan't ever drink sugar-free lemonade. Nope, I have no fucking idea what the hell a Poke Salat Festival is. What is it? I am sorry poor Kurt has no more money. Tis quite sad. Well, I love you darling! Talk to you later!
ShortLeggedGiraffe- You shall have your party peanuts. Glad you like the story!
Hermioneapril- You, too, shall have your party peanuts. No, I don't have the missing chapters. I have to re-write them all. Oh well…
Hiba- Glad you like the story! And goodness I don't want you to die so here tis the update!
Kim- LOL. I love that you were reading this at work. I'm glad you like it; just don't get into trouble! I hope you will keep reading and reviewing!
MsMcCartney- How can you hate Harry Potter? LOL. I know not everyone is as obsessed as I am…I think…at least I pretend to know that. But anywho, I'm glad my fic has brought you into the wonderful world of Harry Potter. I'm also glad you think it's funny! I'm assuming your name comes from Paul McCartney (though I could be wrong) in which case you rock because I love the Beatles!
Calypso- Hey darling! LOL, I suppose Oscar is a hottie. You may have him if you wish. –Hands you Oscar- Keep reviewing babe. Talk to you later.
N.C. PsyChick- LOL. I loved your review. And thanks so much for the offering of the Holy suggestion. Yes, North Carolina is quite crunchy. I loved your review. It made me giggle madly. That would be awesome if your last name were PsyChick. I suggest you legally change it to that. Either that or Ethel. Oh, never mind, don't do that. Then you would be N.C. Ethel and that doesn't make much sense now does it?
Ro- Yes there is a plan trip coming up. I'm assuming that since you know that you read the fic before when it was posted in its longerness. Either that or you are psychic. A cashew is a type of nut. Glad you like the fic! Oh, please don't jump out of the window! It will make me cry and hyperventilate.
avastarx- Aw, I'm so happy you like my sense of humor. I'm also glad I'm on your faves list. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I'm on people's faves lists. The bold print in the story is me. They are my author's notes that I randomly throw in. Oh my God! I inspired you? –tear- Oh that makes me feel gooey inside. Gooey? Ew…what the hell? Oh, please review as much as you possibly can! LOL. I love my reviews. Each and every one! I hate Cho Chang with a passion. You'll see more of Malfoy a little later. LOL. But he will not be a flaming homosexual. Nor will he be a sizzling bisexual. He'll be a simmering heterosexual.
Misshogwarts1125- Ah, your review made me sad…oh well, at least you are honest. If you wish to discontinue reading this then I would understand.
Brooke!- Hi! I loved your exclamation marks beside your name. It made you jump out at me like a raccoon behind a dumpster. Glad you like the fic! You're going to make a movie? Wow, that's such a compliment! I'd love to see it if you can put it on the net. Please let me know. I do ask though that you credit me of course. Which I'm sure you planned on that anyway. But please keep reading and reviewing.
QueEnfullofDraMa- LMAO, your review made me giggle. Glad you like my fic! Please keep reading and reviewing!
Jessibelle- LOL, thank you for the simile compliment. The points bothered this particular person because they felt I was bribing for reviews. Oh, well. –Gives you theoretical reward of pistachios instead- LOL, yes Fabio is random. I continue to enjoy your extremely organized reviews. Love you darling.
chococoveredblaise- Hello darling! LMAO, scones were taking over the world? That's AWESOME! I loved your pork poem! I'd love to use it in here if you don't mind? That's exactly how I write Ginny's poems. I just write the first thing that pops into my head. Harry just likes to look at the gum under the desks because one day in my Theatre Arts class I was looking at the gum under the desks and my friend Regan was like, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Looking at the gum under the desk." And we laughed. So I wrote it down and now it's in this fic. LMAO, pork lady? Haahaa!
goodybad- Oh I am soooo sorry! I didn't mean to leave you off the list! Twas an accident. So you get twice as many peanuts as everyone else. I'm terribly sorry. –Hug- Jim is gone and Oscar is just…Oscar. Yes it is Fabio.
Chapter 11: Pillow Case and Feather Fetish
Everyone entered the Great Hall/Courtroom thirty minutes later. They were all extremely sweaty and tired from the kickball game. They took their seats and waited for Dumbledore to announce the trial back in order.
Hermione found Russell rustling around in her afro and took him in her lap so she could pet him. He seemed awfully disgruntled. She assumed he was upset about the trial. But really Russell had been using Hermione's hair as a place to work on his plan for world domination. He was angry because she'd disturbed him.
Ron was busy trying to touch Hermione in places that he knew she would not allow. But he tried anyway. She kept slapping his hands but for some reason this made him even more persistent.
Dumbledore motioned for Tori to continue and she nodded. "As my next witness, I'd like to call Harry Potter to the stand."
Harry made his way up to the stand whilst trembling terribly. Ginny helped him up there and turned to face Tori when he'd sat down. "If it would be alright, I'd like to read a poem out loud. It seems to soothe Harry quite a bit."
"That's fine," Tori said, sitting down and waiting patiently.
Ginny cleared her throat and then began to recite:
"I see crackers alone by themselves
I don't mean white people
I mean real crackers
They sit on the counter unnoticed
No one cares
I like biscuits
They are good
Cheese whiz is not a waste of milk
You asshole
Now bring me my slippers
Thank you."
Everyone clapped loudly. She bowed and took her seat next to Hermione. Tori walked up towards Harry.
"So Harry," she said. "You say someone stole your pillow, is this correct?"
Harry shivered and with tears in his eyes exclaimed, "Holy underpants!"
"Calm down, Harry," Tori said soothingly as she scratched her stomach. The weasel suit was quite itchy at times.
Harry was now shaking violently. "Holy goat nipples!" He exclaimed. He took a deep breath and nodded.
"You say someone stole your pillow, is this correct?" Tori repeated.
"Well, actually," Harry said in a shaky voice, "I thought I'd eaten my pillow. But Hermione said she thought someone probably stole it."
"I see," Tori said whilst pacing on her tri-ped unicycle. "You may step down."
"Holy astigmatism!" Harry exclaimed and ran down next to Ginny. She held him and rocked as he cried into her shoulder.
"There, there," Hermione consoled patting Harry on the shoulder. "Here, Harry. Color, it'll make you feel better."
She handed him an animal coloring book and opened it to a picture of a hippopotamus. She handed him a blue M&M®. "Use that to color with. I don't have any crayons. But if you bear down on the paper with that hard enough I'm sure it'll leave some marks." I know the first time around I said that he colored with a purple Skittle® but I felt that I was using Skittles® a little too much in this fic. I do believe that I may have developed a Skittle® fetish. I'm not sure if this is entirely healthy or not…
Harry took the M&M and began to color the hippopotamus. Tori sighed and glanced dramatically at the people watching the trial. "I now would like to call Draco Malfoy to the stand," she said.
Draco yelped. Pansy got up from the floor and wiped her mouth frantically. Draco tried to conceal the fact that his pants were undone but he failed miserably. He zipped and buttoned them. He walked to the front of the courtroom. He took his seat and waited. He looked positively petrified.
Hermione gasped. Everyone assumed it was because Draco had been called up as a witness. Really it was because somehow Ron had unzipped her skirt without her knowing and had been able to get his hand under her panties. She slapped him in the face but that didn't matter to Ron. He was grinning happily.
Tori smiled at him and said, "Draco. Draco Malfoy. D. Malfoy. How are you? Good. Now, let's see. Draco, you seem scared…is there a reason?"
Draco gulped and shook his head. He was sweating now.
"Are you sure!" Tori yelled.
"Yes, I'm sure!" Draco screamed back.
"Are you positive!" Tori shouted.
"Yes, I am!"
"You can't handle the truth!" Tori yelled. She took a deep breath and wheeled her tri-ped unicycle closer to him. "Did you steal Harry Potter's pillow?"
"No…"
"I'll say it again…" she said. "Did-you-steal-Harry-Potter's-Pillow? Huh? Huh? Did you?"
"No! NO! Yes, I did!" Draco whimpered.
"Holy scripture!" Harry exclaimed.
"Yes," Draco cried. "I did, I stole his pillow. I couldn't help it! I have a feather fetish and I snuck into the Gryffindor boys' dormitory and took his pillow!"
"Son of a Death Eater, I've done it again!" Tori grinned. "The Pillow Case is closed!"
"Yes," said Dumbledore throwing a Q-tip into the mop bucket in the middle of the room. "Draco, as your punishment I sentence you to a month's worth of detention with Professor Sinistra. A week of that is for actually stealing the pillow. The rest is for Harry's disgustingly pitiful (not to mention extremely confuzzling) pain and suffering."
Draco turned and looked at Professor Sinistra who winked and cracked a whip. He whimpered again and climbed down from the stand.
Tori wheeled over to Harry and his friends. She smiled and said, "It was nice doing business with you Mr. Potter." She shook his hand. "But now I must be going."
"You're leaving?" Hermione asked, slapping Ron's hand away as he tried to touch her breast.
"Yes," she said. "I must get back to Pentillion. That flooding is bound to be coming soon and I left my father hanging upside down from the chandelier. You'll be receiving my bill in the mail." She winked, placed her weasel head back on her head, and wheeled out of the Great Hall into the sunset with soft music following her dramatically.
"Holy Shikaka!" Harry exclaimed, wiping his tears away. "I'm really going to miss her."
An owl fluttered into the Great Hall and landed on Hermione's head and Russell (who got very frightened and angry) scuttled up her shirt in alarm. He was angry because the owl had landed smack dab in the middle of his lair. His lair being Hermione's head.
Ron scowled and muttered, "Lucky bastard."
Hermione took the owl off her head (at which point Russell rushed up and nestled in her poofy hair). She looked at it and said, "Harry, it's for you."
He took the letter and opened it. It was from Tori. It was her bill. He owed her one hundred galleons and a pound of bacon. She had attached a letter as well. He read it aloud:
"Dear Mr. Weepy,
It has been a pleasure working with you. I hope all your future endeavors go well. In fact it's a necessity because you may have a nervous breakdown if they don't. Good luck with your baby. I hope me leaving doesn't set you into a fit of blubbering. Don't worry, we shall meet and again.
Sincerely,
Tori Aitch."
Harry sighed and put the letter in his pocket. Ginny patted him on the back and said, "Ready to go? I want to write some poems and I think you could use a nice nap."
He nodded. They got up and left. Everyone else that had been in the Great Hall had left too. Ron jerked around and looked around the room.
"Hermione!" he yelped. "We're alone!"
"So?"
"So, can we have sex now?" he asked anxiously.
"No," she responded. She took out her book entitled "One Hundred Ways to Make Boys Horny and Then Refuse to Have Sex with them."
Ron whimpered. He thought for a moment and said, "Well, then could you be a friend?"
"Ron," she began in an agitated tone. "I can't keep being your friend if you always want me to be a friend."
"Please, Hermione," he said. "Just one more time! I swear!"
Hermione closed her book and thought for a moment. "Okay," she said. "One last time. But this is it, okay?"
Ron nodded and undid his pants. Hermione decided to give him a hand job. Ron enjoyed it immensely. Hermione was quite bored. She read the entire time she was doing it.
I don't really like this chapter too much. But oh well. Please review. If you review I'll give you…umm…a hug! So review and I'll give you a hug.