-Gives everyone who reviewed some pizza-

the infamous blue notebook- Yes, you spelled "parody" right. I'm glad you like the randomness. Please keep reading and reviewing.

reflectivelvet- POPTARTS! That was the greatest review in the history of fanfiction. You will make another appearance in chapter 15.

Dutchess of Comma Splice- -Bows to you- Well, I'm glad you like it. :)

Meditation6- Yeah, I don't really go on HPS anymore. But I'm glad you're still reading. Lisa is not me. If it was I'd have spelled Lisa Leigh'sa. That character is fashioned after my friend from California.

bebechus- I'm glad you like my story. The way I came up with the name Simpleton Xyloid was opening the dictionary, closing my eyes, and pointing.

Jules- I like D/Hr stories because they're fun. But I don't support that ship. I absolutely refuse to read H/Hr stories because they should all BURN IN HELL. Argh! Maybe the oven decided to burn itself alive. How dare your father. Doesn't he know that Florida is the Devil's playground? Or at least it's the Devil's monkey bars with a little rust on top. Poor parakeet.

Hermione-is-my-Goddess- Thanks for reviewing. I like your user name.

bubonicweasle- I'm glad you like it. But it's kind of ironicthat you said the last two chapter weren't the best because those are the only one'sI've rewritten so far. Oh well...

chicleshmicle- Thank you for reviewing. And thanks for taking the time to correct mySpanish. I knew it was wrong when I wrote it but I wasn't sure exactly how to make itcorrect so I left it. I like it wrong considering this isa parody fic. But thanks anyway.

shipping- -Rocks on-

harrypotterismine-ilovehim- Well, thanks. Apparently my accent is "cute" because people keep telling me that.

Choir Princess- Wow, NC and CA accents combined. You're a Weast Coast kid...or a...well no, that's the only way to put it.

Dance to the RANDOMNESS- Hi. LOL. I'm sorry it's taking so long. But I don't have the Internet at home and I was discouraged with this fic. But here it is.

Patrick- It lacked spark? Oh well. No, you hadn't reviewed in a long time. You better review this time. -Hug-

HBP- Aw thank you. I love you! -Muah-

angelonice30- I loved your review. It made me giggle.

alBBie- Hee hee...I loved your reviews. I shant make fun of you because you like Summerland. I watched like 7 minutes of it once and almost threw up, though. I'm an O.C. kind of girl myself. I own Not Another Teen Movie. Tis funny. I should write a tutorial. I love your randomness. You're better than me. Poo. I don't think I'm very funny. I'm just stupid. I love Law and Order. We get to watch it in my Civics and Economics class and I'm all like "Woo!" There's this video we watch in there and it's hilarious. At the beginning it says, "Remember, this is a video tape. You can stop the tape, rewind the tape, pause the tape, or even destroy the tape at anytime during your viewing." It also says, "...and those are the Amendments of the U.S. Constitution. Know them. Love them. Say them in your sleep." There's other funny things but I feel I'm boring you. So I'll stop. Yes, I did know there was a Paprika on Blue's Clues. I loved Blue's Clues. I wanted to marry Steve. Even though I was in Middle School when that show came out. And then stupid Joe came and it all went downhill. Funny you should mention Blue's Clues because something is coming up in the fic to do with it. Weezer is the coolest. But "Beverly Hills" sucks. It is not up to Weezer standards and it makes me sad. "Perfect Situation" is fine though. LMAO. You are so funny. I love Ryan on Whose Line. You should have more reviews than me because you are way funnier. I love when people review every chapter. Yes, Eminem used to be the Group Therapy teacher and Johnny Depp was the DADA teacher. But you can get into trouble for that soI sadly had to takethem out. I lovefor people to IM me. Do it anytime. Except for on AIM...send me a chat thingie instead because if you don'tI'll get knocked offline.I know there are mistakes in mySpanish. I didn't put them thereon purpose and I knew it was wrong when I wrote it, but I like them to be there.

Sloane Snape- Hi. I'm glad I entertain you. :)

Silver Ice- You are oh so sweet. I'm glad you like it!

CSIGregSandersFan- Thanks for reviewing. I'm glad you like it.

Lady of the Realm- I heart you too.

Ellen-boot- Aw, you're sweet. I will refrain from answering your questions because I don't want to give anything away. Why don't you like Tori?

JOSSLY- I'm glad you like it. Thanks much!

Anna- Thank you so much. I'm sorry your parents think you're insane. My mother tells me that I am daily.

SmartRthanU- Aw, thanks. Pizza is good.

QueEnfullofDraMa- Thankies. I'm glad you like it.

Misshogwarts1125- Not so bad...?

Hiba- Well, thank you. I'm glad you like the story.

Goodybad- I take it you like Britney Spears. Ah well...I won't hold it against you. I'm glad you liked the chapter. You better watch out. Lisa might bite your toes off if you try to take the World from her.

ash vault rose garden- Aw, that's so sweet. Thank you!

LadyDelaidra- Aw! I can't believe you chose my fic as your first one! I took your fanfic virginity! I'm so moved I think I may cry! I've never been anyone's hero before!

Azu Luna- I think I love you.

TheReviris- Yay, thanks for reviewing. I'm glad I portayed Lisa well. There are alway Altoids involved when the world is being taken over.

hopeforthefuture- Aw, I'm glad you like it. I love when people put me on their faves list.

KarlaBob- Are you back?

CHICKENS of DOOM- Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.

Neko-Arisa- It was dull.

Jessibelle- -Rocks your headband- I love you!

Zadie Crowe- Oh you are SO being one of my bridesmaids when I marry Fall Out Boy. I loved your review. You are the coolest. I love you!

It's come to my attention that there are some very young readers of this fic. So that I don't feel that I'm corrupting you young'uns I'm going to put up a warning in case you don't want to read the sex parts. Though, remember, this fic is still rated R for a reason.

Because of certain circumstances with the things that happened in book six and the fact that it contradicts many things that happen in the fic, we're going to pretend that book six didn't happen. Just for the fic though. Don't go around saying "Hermyandronforevr said that book six didn't happen so I believe her." Oh, no. The book did happen. We're just going to pretend it didn't. Alright? Good…now let's get on with it!

Chapter 13: Arby's Sauce and Spork

It was the last day of classes before Christmas break and the Gryffindors sat in the dungeon classroom of Professor Snape. He walked amongst them throwing little boxes of Dots® at each of the students. "Professor Dumbledore insisted that we give you these treats because it's almost Christmas," he snapped unhappily. "Don't eat them yet."

"Can we chew on the box?" Harry asked.

"No!" Snape answered.

Ron lowered his box from his mouth guiltily as he'd already started chewing on it. The bell finally rang and Harry, Ron, and Hermione went to the Great Hall for lunch. Ginny came to the table. Her stomach was now the size of a small volleyball even though she was only 2 months pregnant. She said, "Hermione I need to get you a Christmas present. What do you like besides books, people, and sex?"

"Holy waffle maker!" Harry exclaimed. "Sex with people on books?"

"Harry!" Ginny shouted. "You're not smoking!"

"I know," he said. "I've quit because of the baby. I don't want the baby to be addicted to pot."

"Well, that's good of you," said Hermione.

"Can I have your stash then?" Ron asked. "And Hermione, who are these people you're having sex with on books?"

Harry handed over a rolled up plastic bag to Ron and Hermione ignored him. "I don't care what you get me Ginny," she said. "I'm sure I'll love it."

Ginny nodded, kissed Harry on the cheek, and left.

Harry looked up. "I was just thinking," he said. "What would you do if you didn't have nipples?"

Hermione was about to answer when Parvati and Lavender ran up to them. Parvati shrieked, "The entrance hall is being flooded with Arby's sauce!"

"Holy Boy Meets World!" Harry exclaimed. "But the mess! Think of the mess!"

"Oh, no," said Lavender. "The sauce is in the packages. But the entrance hall is still flooded with them."

"Who did this?" Hermione asked seriously.

"I don't know," said Lavender.

"Blame it on Wal-Mart®," Ron suggested.

"Why?" Hermione questioned.

"Why not?" Ronreplied."I say, we blame Wal-Mart for everything. It would make everything easier on everybody."

"Where's Martha Stewart when you need her?" Harry asked.

"How would Martha Stewart help?" Hermione asked.

"She could take all the Arby's sauce and make it into a beautiful table centerpiece," Harry answered.

Right then a few ghosts entered by coming through the wall. One of them was a ghost of a teenage boy. He was very tall with long brown hair that hung in his eyes. He flew over and sat next to Hermione. They all stared at him.

He said nothing.

"Hi," Hermione said cautiously as she adjusted Russell on her head.

"Hi," said the ghost.

"Who are you?" Ron asked.

"Matt."

"Um…how come we've never seen you before?" Harry asked.

"Well," Matt began. "I don't want to get into the whole story because it's really long but to sum it up: the hacky sac turned out to be really sketchy, a tanning bed really can set the woods on fire, and I learned to never say that American chickens don't have the right to vote."

"But American chickens don't have the right to vote," Hermione said promptly.

"Didn't I just say to never say that!" Matt yelled. He huffily dived through the table.

"I wonder how he died," Ron murmured.

"Well," Hermione sighed. "We've got Herbology. We'd better go. We're supposed to learn to put energy in a box and never let it out."

"What does that have to do with Herbology?" Harry asked.

"You know, ever since you laid off the pot you've become unbearably inquisitive and it's about to drive me nuts!" Hermione snapped.

"Holy breast augmentation!" Harry exclaimed. "I just quit!"

"Yes, well," Hermione began. "Having a dog named Pee Wee that'll bite people's ankles doesn't mean you deserve payment for burning the roast beef. Now, let's go!"

And so they went. They swam through the ocean of Arby's sauce packetsand out the door to the greenhouses.

Christmas Eve was creeping upon them fast.

It was now Christmas Eve. I told you.

They all sat in the common room smoking cigars and drinking brandy. Hermione sighed and looked at Ron.

"So, I told the prostitute that the Applejacks® were in the blender and the condoms were in the shoebox…not the other way around," Seamus told Dean.

"Ron, I think it's time we go to the Astronomy tower," Hermione said.

Ron, with his bloodshot eyes, got up and said, "Okay."

Ginny jumped up and said, "Wait, I have a poem before you go!" She cleared her throat.

"Oh, the poor crossword puzzles

How lonely they do get

For they are less loved

Than the search-a-words

I've begun to regret

The eating of that scone

Die little ant bastards

Die

Thank you."

Everyone clapped. Then Hermione took Ron by the hand and led him to the Astronomy tower. Ron sleepily sat on the bed that was conveniently placed in the middle of the room.

"So, Ron," Hermione whispered. "Would you like me to be a friend?"

"You know," Ron said. "Every time we do that I get all worked up. Maybe it's the orgasm…maybe not. But all I know is that I'm all the time asking you if we can have sex and every time you say no. So now I know I'm just setting myself up for failure each time. And it's just not good for my self-esteem for you to keep—where are your clothes?"

Hermione had removed all her clothing and was standing before him without her clothing; because she removed it, which is why she was standing there without it. Hermione moved extremely close to Ron and kissed him.

"But after we do this we're going to be boyfriend and girlfriend, okay?" Hermione said.

"Yup, okay, that's great, mmhmm," Ron muttered.

XXXX WARNING WARNING WARNING XXXX

They had sex.

XXXX WARNING OVER WARNING OVER WARNING OVER XXXX

Ron and Hermione entered the common room the next morning to find it completely empty except for Harry, Ginny, and Colin Creevey (who was passed out on the floor sucking his thumb). Ginny was sitting on Harry's lap hugging a black Spork.

"Look what I got for Christmas!" she yelped, holding up the Spork.

"That's great," said Hermione. "Thanks for the book by the way."

"No problem," said Ginny.

"What book did you get?" Ron asked.

"One Thousand and Four Ways to Have Sex with People on Books," Hermione answered.

"Great," said Ron. "Then that'll be the first book we have sex on."

Dear God, I'm going to cry. Some how my mother managed to copy the information on one of my disks and replace the information on another disk with it and therefore I lost all the information on the second disk which had chapter 19 on it. So now I'm missing even more of the chapters. This is killing me. But I'll be okay I guess.

Please review. If you do I'll give you a Coke® slushy from the convenient store near my house. They're really good. And if it's a good review I'll also give you an after-dinner mint.