That evening Shepard rested quietly outside the Circle towers doors, the oppressive atmosphere and dead bodies too much for her. Truthfully she'd slept in worse places, but if she didn't have to, she sure as hell was going to. Huffing out a quiet sigh she leaned back against the rough wall, eyes tracking unfamiliar constellations aimlessly. The ability not to think, not to plan… it was odd to not be the one doing all the logistics. Time slipped by minutely, the soft lap of water lulling her to sleep, a state she never enjoyed.

"Rough night?"

Jerking in surprise she tracked her eyes to Aiden standing before her, his gaze resting calmly on her face. "You could say that." She agreed warily, adjusting her position to give him room to sit next to her. "Are you here for that chat you promised?" Patting the ground invitingly she regarded him closely. Something about him was just so… off.

With a nod he reclined gracefully next to her, his blue eyes meeting hers hesitantly before skittering away. "I owe you an apology, Shepard."

"Oh?"

Humming softly he turned to face her fully, his hand reaching to grasp her own gently. "The truth is, I am scared, and have been scared since before I was recruited into the wardens. It is no excuse but…" Bowing his head he stared at their joined hands. "Did I ever tell you that my family was murdered? Just weeks before I was conscripted. Everything I had ever known and loved was torn from my grasp and I was helpless to stop the massacre." He turned his gaze aside, a faraway look crossing his countenance. "These sorts of things were always the realm of my brother. He was the one who would have known how to save the Circle. He wouldn't have had any problems with the Dalish and the Werewolves."

Shepard blinked hard at the mention of werewolves, discreetly tapping her universal translator with her wrist. Clearing her throat she refocused on the man beside her. "I had no idea Aiden. I'm sorry, for what it's worth."

Tucking his chin closer to his chest he mumbled quietly. "That event emchanged/emme. And perhaps… not for the better." Pulling his eyes to hers he stared her down, zealous light igniting the cold depths. "I swore that I would see them avenged, and I will. Of that, there can be no doubt. But my reaction to you was unkind. I saw in you today the leader I emwish/em to be and my useless grasping to maintain control was just more of my own fear. And for that reason, Shepard, I am sorry for the way I have treated you. You have proven your worth, and your perseverance, and at the Blights end I will be happy to see you home. With all the help the Grey Wardens can offer."

Frowning Shepard tugged her hand from his. "The Blights end?"

Next to her he shrugged nonchalantly. "Even you must see the logic. You are too powerful an asset to lose. Your abilities give you the power of an entire battalion, one which we need."

Em Shit./em "I can understand your position Aiden, but the war out there? It's so far beyond what's happening here, with the Blight." She met his eyes squarely. "I can't stay here."

He sneered, hands fisting. "I thought you might say that. Here, there is only one person like you, one being like you. In your world, you are one of a legion. Can you honestly just turn your back on us?" He stiffened. "How can you even justify such a course of action?"

She sighed in response. "It's not about turning my back on anything. You just don't see the big picture." She stood, Aiden scrambling to match her.

"I see it well and good em Commander /em, the question is if em you/em do." He shook his head. "Since you so kindly gifted the wardens the mages, you don't really have a choice in the matter. More so, Commander Shepard, as one of the two surviving members of the Ferelden Grey Wardens I hereby invoke the Right of Conscription."

"The what?"

He shot her a cold look. "Grey Wardens have the ability to conscript anyone we see fit into our ranks. There is no way out, there is no one who will help you until you fulfill your duty and should you refuse…." slowly his hands crept towards his dagger.

Angry, Shepard flared in response. "You can try that if you want but I think we both know how it will end." Tensely, the two of them faced off, silent but for the water crashing against the shore.

Aiden suddenly smirked, eyes searching hers. "No, I don't think I'll need to. I think you understand more than you are willing to admit" Her lips thinned. At that he straightened and gave her a nod. "Then we are agreed. I'll talk to you later, Commander." With that, he strolled away, gate easy and relaxed.

Clenching her jaw Shepard glared after his retreating back, thoughts tripping over themselves. The truth was she emcould/em understand. That son of a embitch/em! Shaking off the feeling of unease in her belly she strode back into the Circle proper, aiming for the First Enchanter leaning tiredly against a nearby pillar. "Enchanter, a word." She demanded, halting before the old man with barely contained rage.

He blinked up at her, bushy eyebrows drawing together in a frown. "Yes child? What is it?"

Shepard squared her shoulder staring him dead on. "I was hoping to set up a meeting between you, me and some of your mages tomorrow. About that favor you offered?"

Immediately his expression shuttered, eyes flicking to the Templars spread throughout the room. "I'm sorry, but we cannot assist you in such an endeavor at this time."

"Why?"

Irving wrung his hands together as he met her gaze. "The Warden has conscripted us, as you well know. He has forbidden us from assisting you until the Blight is ended." Irving paused, watery eyes regarding her closely. "He was here for many hours, speaking with the Templars. I cannot risk anything with so few of us left."

Fighting the urge to smash something she nodded politely muttering a soft, "I understand" before storming away. Adrenaline rushed through her body as rage propelled her outside into the cool night air, the wind whipping the tendrils of her hair into her face. With a ragged shout she punched through the stone fence next to her, the cascade of mortar and bricks sizzling along her shields. How could that- that emasshole/emthink to screw with her like this?! She reared back, slamming her other hand into the stone wall with a cry.

"Makers breath!" A voice called behind her, steel clad arms coming forward to clasp her firmly around the waist before she could bury the other into the wall. The urge to toss the intruder was nearly overpowering, until with a start she recognized the voice.

"Alistair, let go of me right now." She hissed.

"Redecorating the courtyard? I'm not sure the chantry would appreciate that."

"No jokes." She ordered, jerking from his grip. Turning she began pacing around him like a caged animal. "That idiot you call superior has forbidden the Circle from helping me." Spinning around she shoved a finger into his chest, ignoring his start of surprise. "You're a warden aren't you? Belay that order and get the help I need. I don't have time for this embullshit/em!" Aggravated she tossed her hands in the air.

Next to her Alistair raised his arms placatingly. "I can't do that! Aiden has an agreement with the Templars! The mages are needed at their "top capacity" don't you know?"

Freezing she glared up at him. "You knew?"

Tilting his head down he nodded slowly. "Y-yes. He told me while you spoke with Greagoir." Alistair stepped forward, hand reaching out to her hesitantly. "There wasn't anything I could do Shepard! He already had the whole thing planned minutes after we crossed those doors."

"So, what? Earlier all your questions about staying were because you were testing the waters? Trying to gauge how I would react?" Shoving aside his hand she gripped the straps of his breastplate firmly, glaring up at him. "I trusted you to be straight with me! Don't you understand what's at stake here? It's not just your little country, or even your planet! It's trillions of lives!" Pushing him away she gripped her opposing arms tightly. "You saw what my life is in the Fade, you know I'm responsible for all those people! Why would you…?"

"Surely the Blight-"

Grabbing a fistful of her hair she cut him off, advancing on his stuttering form. "Fuck your Blight! I sacrificed an entire emplanet/emto slow the Reapers. Hundred of thousands of lives! An entire fucking system! Your planet is meaningless in comparison! Do you understand Alistair? I murdered emthousands/em of people! emMillions/emof organisms unique to that sector! And do you know why? Because I needed to stop the Reapers, emI needed to give the galaxy more time. /em" Panting she dropped to her knees, tears gathering behind her eyes, burning as she forced them back. "You know why I'm on this stupid planet? Because my ship was shot down as they were preparing to transfer me to prison! For war crimes! I'm a murder you big fucking idiot! And I emneed/emto go back!" Breathing raggedly she pitched forward, months of repressed emotions screaming through the din of her thoughts. Dimly she was aware she was having a panic attack but it did nothing to stop the em thoughts/em

Over and over she watched the clock tick down, the death count shift up. Always the decision was hers, the lives, her responsibility. Ashley, Horizon, Akuze, Bahat… it didn't matter. Even emdeath/em hadn't let her go! Rocking back and forth she grasped handfuls of hair, sucking in air raggedly though her teeth.

"Oh Shepard…" Alistair whispered softly above her, before with a clang he dropped to his knees, gathering her shaking form into his arms. "Heeeey... hey now. Shush dear." Smoothing her hair back he caught her face in his hands, fingers wiping away the stress tears that had leaked past her closed eyes. Leaning down he pressed his forehead to hers, gently rocking them both side to side. " You have to let this go, before it tears you up into little bits on the inside. Your feelings are too big to be held in a small box like this."

Clinging to him like a drowning woman Shepard gasped as she shook uncontrollability, his soft coos and nonsensical words calming her gradually. Eventually she stilled, exhaustion crawling along the edges of her mind. Embarrassment suddenly swept through her and she reared back in mortification. "I'm sorry." She felt empty, drained, as if everything had been poured from her. What would the Illusive Man think? To see the great Commander Shepard near tears on some backwater planet.

"I know." He responded, moving back to give her room to breathe.

She hesitated to meet his eyes, fear lurking around the edges of her mind at all his possible reactions to her revelations.

He tapped her shoulder gently. "I may have only known you for a short time, but I don't think you would have done those horrible things without a reason."

She huffed tiredly. Denial it was then. "Is any reason ever good enough?"

Alistair simply shifted to sit next to her in response, a solid, comforting bulwark and she swayed, exhausted. "I think only you can answer that."

Eyes sliding closed Shepard stilled, leaning back against the stone wall. Sleep racing to claim her in its warm embrace, the feel of his soft breaths lulling her into the Fade.