Shepard woke slowly the next morning, utterly exhausted. Last night had been…humiliating… She had never let herself go like that. emNever/em. Blinking in surprise she shifted, embarrassed to find herself propped against Alistair's shoulder like a doll, his arm heavy where he had flung it over her back. She blinked as drool dripped from the corner of his mouth onto her thigh plate "Ugh." Jerking her shoulder, she attempted to dislodge his head listening to him whine in response. "Alistair?" Jostling her shoulder again she reeled as he suddenly shoved his face against her shoulder firmly, an exhausted sigh fanning against her. Snorting, Shepard relaxed. She could be a hardass on the best of days but the man had circles beneath his eyes darker than her armor. She would have had to have been deaf to miss the sound of his nightmares when they camped. Gently shifting she settled, the painful bite of her armor waking her to the sound of waves lapping against the shore of the Circle tower.
"Another day, huh?" she whispered to herself. The light was beautiful as it dappled across the clear water, the tower less ominous in the full light of day. And yet….Her chest clenched tight with nameless anxiety, the monstrous void that had been accompanying her since N training was now clawing with renewed vigor. She felt… powerless. Uncomfortable, she shied away from the thought. Just as she had from the thought of her own death and resurrection. Commander Shepard, the great avoider of personal confrontation. That's what they really should have called her.
Truthfully, laying here, she had never felt so numb. Throughout her time as commander, she'd never had a friend she could just… dump things on. How could she? Shepard the bulwark, the unbreakable. And that was what she emhad/em to be. Sure, she had talked with her crewmates, and they always provided a willing ear, but that didn't mean she could just… unleash on them. She was their commander, first and foremost, and while she loved Garrus, Tali, Joker and all the others, she'd never let them watch her collapse. emOr maybe that had always been an excuse. A wall she had raised to protect herself/em She flinched at the thought, shoving it away. Last night she had let that wall crumble, even if only for a had been new, novel, and absolutely terrifying.
Tilting her head down she studied Alistair's face. The cynical part of her mind wondered if he realized the full scale of what she had done. Did he even understand what she had meant?
With an annoyed grunt she leaned back thoughts twisting to Aiden. Stay and stop the Blight? The thing in her chest yawned even wider as the thought tumbled around her head. emAs if the galaxy could be put on hold for one planet./em Shaking her head slightly she glanced out across the lake, scowling. It wasn't that she didn't emwant/em to help. God knew she was a basket case for saving the less fortunate, and he had been emright./em Shepard was the only one who could do what she could do. She could turn the tide of this fight for them with her presence. And in the small space of her that was still that little girl on Mindoir, praying for someone to come save her, she could understand. emBut…/em
Her thoughts flashed to Miranda and Mordin, Grunt and Jack. All the trillions of souls amongst the stars, ill prepared and ill equipped for what was to come. Viciously she squashed that small voice. If Aiden thought he could bend her to his will like the others, he had another thing coming. Sighing Shepard relaxed back as she drifted between waking and sleeping, exhaustion creeping back in.
center-c/enter
When next she woke, the sun was high in the sky, washing through her closed lids with a vengeance, prompting a groan in annoyance. Vaguely she was aware of fingers brushing through her hair absentmindedly, tugging the strands into order from their dirty place against her skull. Instantly her hand snapped up, grabbing the offending appendage in a firm grip.
Above her Alistair let out a yelp in response. "Well! Good morning to you too! The thanks I get… "
Peaking open an eye, Shepard cringed at the flood of light reflecting off his ridiculous armor. "Ugh, I think something crawled into my mouth and died." She let go of his hand, watching in faint amusement as he pulled it back with a theatrical flair, mock pouting over his gauntlet. "Did you braid my hair?" She asked, reaching up and patting the top of her head pulling a heavy strand forward for her to see.
Chuckling Alistair handed her a water canteen, wriggling himself away from where she was sitting "Well you see, it's kind of a funny story! We were ambushed in the night!" At her unimpressed stare he hurriedly continued, "I woke up about an hour ago, but you had such a death grip that I couldn't get away! Then Leliana came by with a few of the younger apprentices, and they were talking about how they didn't have any hair to practice styles on. They had the biggest, saddest eyes you had ever seen! And um…" He trailed off, pointing up at his own head. "They braided mine first, see?"
Shepard blinked, taking note of the wild array of hair sticking haphazardly around his head, adorned with ridiculous bows. Fighting back a laugh she fingered the bows in her own hair, smirking at his flustered expression. "So just because they mauled you, you let them get me too? Where is the comradery, Alistair? I trusted you to watch my back."
With an indignant huff, he drew himself into a sitting position. "You are very emstrong/em. I'm absolutely emsuurrree/em you could have defeated those dastardly apprentices single handedly. And! They were emvery/empersuasive." He paused, finger raising as he talked faster. " And adorable! However! Now that you were emmean/em and untrusting of my guarding ability, I get to eat all the food they left us." Grabbing the plate by his thigh he climbed to his feet, stuffing a roll of bread in his mouth with a grunt.
Chuckling lightly Shepard jumped upwards, deftly stealing the plate from his hand and biting down on an apple as he let out an indignant squawk. "Is that so? You forget, I had to eat that crap you call dinner. I think after that form of torture any and all food should be under my care. Mean or not."
"Ohooooo, is that so?" He lunged forward for the plate, narrowly missing as she shifted deftly to the side.
She let out a mock tut as he stumbled. "Not very graceful, are you, recruit?"
"Recruit?" He gasped in mock offense. "I'll have you know I was the templars best recruit! I passed with flying colours! Now, give that back, you evil flying woman!"
With a chuckle she stood holding the last piece of cheese out consolingly as he came to a teetering halt. "Here, a peace offering." Eyeing her suspiciously he shuffled closer. Grinning, she popped the piece into her mouth as he reached for it.
"You!" he gasped.
She smirked. "What are you gonna do about it?"
"You cheese munching fiend! I am shocked and appalled!" He pointed towards her firmly. "I demand a duel, for the honor of my cheese!"
She laughed outright. "You think you can win that fight?"
He hesitated, hand lowering and brown eyes regarding her critically before he smirked. "Hmm I think so."
A whistle from behind them both jolting. Zevran stood on top of the staircase, arms crossed and eyebrow quirked. "What's this I hear about a spar?"
Alistair blanched at the sight of the elf. "Absolutely nothing."
Zevran shook his head with a delighted smile. "Not so, my large friend. I think I heard a challenge loud and clear. And against our dear commander too!" He turned, leaning his head back into the Circle proper as he shouted "It seems we have a match to watch!"
Leliana poked her head around the doorway, forcing Zevran back a step. "Truly? A match? Oh that will be perfect! It's just what we need to get everyone's minds off all this doom and gloom!" The redhead immediately turned, her voice echoing as she started calling out to those inside.
Slowly Shepard turned to face Alistair's pale face. A smile pulling at the corner of her lips. "Might want to take those bows out of your hair before I hand your ass to you."
His hands immediately jerked to his head as he scowled in return. "I should be saying the same to you."
She simply smiled in response. "Anything looks fierce when worn by the winner." Her smile widened as he scoffed.
A templar with his helmet off approached the two of them eagerly. "You are having a spar? The Knight Commander has cleared some space in the great hall! Come, this way." He gestured enthusiastically for them to follow him.
"That was quick" Alistair muttered as he stepped forward, smoothing his hair back.
"No kidding." She agreed, matching his steps as they followed the templar back into the tower.
"Shepard?"
She hummed in response at his suddenly serious tone.
"Don't use your biotics here. The templars… well."
She paused and met his eyes, a chill racing briefly down her spine. "Don't worry, I don't need them to kick your ass."
Alistair smiled, relieved, his hand clapping companionably against her back. For Shepard however, all the mirth had drained.