Chapter 28

October 1993

Silvery fog had surrounded the beach as Harry followed the narrow path which wound itself through the high cliffs. On this morning also the ocean was foaming and Harry raised his face up and felt the wind. Since Harry had come to Terley for the first time, he had loved the ocean which appearance was never the same but always changed.

He liked it particularly when the ocean stormed and the white spray broke against the beach. Slowly sauntering along the beach Harry realized surprised that he had felt indeed happy for one moment. Immediately afterwards the feelings of guilt crashed upon him which haunted him persistently. He knew that Caro and Draco didn't understand him but he just couldn't forget the events which had taken place in the archives of the Order.

Restlessly Harry quickened his space. At this place he could have been happy. In Terly he felt secure and the many pictures of his ancestors which hung in the castle on the walls gave him the feeling to be at home. If there hadn't been his memories which haunted him and his conflicting feelings for the people he had left in Hogwarts and for his adoptive father from whom he had fled. Angrily Harry walked even more rapidly. He didn't want to think of it once again. He began to run. It was difficult in the sand but like so often before he forced himself to run faster and faster.

On top of the cliffs a lithe figure stood and looked down. While Caro's black hair fluttered in the wind, her dark grey eyes were riveted sadly on Harry who was continuously moving faster afar. She knew why he ran and why he overexerted himself to exhaustion each time he did so. She knew it and nevertheless she couldn't do anything to help him. Even, after almost a half year Harry's feelings of guilt hadn't decreased. Since that fateful day he hadn't been himself anymore and since then he also hadn't performed one single charm. Somehow Harry seemed to blame his magic.

She had told him countless times that it had been an accident but this all had been of any use. As she thought of the reproaches she made herself that the search for her father's murderers had been the cause for their escape and Harry's unhappiness she pulled a face. Why couldn't she have been the one to kill their attacker? She was convinced of it that no feelings of guilt would have plagued her. The unexpected attack had to her dismay so surprised her however that she hadn't been capable of defending herself. And to think that she was the older one, she should have protected Harry and not Harry her. Furthermore she hadn't even managed to reveal the murderer of her father and to get revenge on him.

Though she knew who had fought against her father and his companions on that day, she didn't know however who of them had her father on his conscience. She looked again to Harry. She had never told him that she had found the right file then – she knew he hadn't seen that she had taken it with her – and the reason for this was mainly that Sirius Black as well had belonged to the group which had tried to defeat the followers of the Dark Lord. She didn't know exactly though which feelings Harry had towards his godfather but should he indeed be the one who had murdered her father she was sure that this time Harry wouldn't help her. Shaking her head she sighed. She would never get an opportunity to meet with the members of the Order again anyway. The chance that she would ever enter Hogwarts again was uttermost slim.

"In which thoughts are you absorbed?"

Caro was startled and saw Draco with a grinning face standing in front of her. Around his shoulders he had slung a towel. Ignoring his question, she stared unbelievingly at him,

"You want to go swimming?"

„Yes, why not? It's not cold after all. Only a bit foggy.", he answered and began to run down the path.

Caro shook once more her head and pulled up her shoulders. The water would have been to cold to her but Draco had to know it after all. Sighing she turned around and began to go back to the castle.

As he opened his eyes and stared in the impenetrable darkness of his cell he didn't manage to remember his dream. Desperately he tried to concentrate. He had the feeling that it was of paramount importance that he succeeded in remembering his dream. The effort drove him bead of perspiration on his forehead.

A picture of ocean-blue eyes rose in him. Had he dreamed of them? He couldn't connect anything to those blue eyes; they didn't even seem familiar to him but why had he then the scary strange feeling that those ocean-blue beautiful eyes were the key against his oblivion and the more and more increasing darkness?

The hoods of their cloaks pulled deeply over their heads Caro and Harry hurried trough Hogsmeade. It was late in the evening and it already began to get dark. Since Caro had ascertained that their supplies were again used Caro and Harry had set off to Hogsmeade to go shopping. Draco was lying in Terley with fever. Why he had had to go swimming in such weather? Caro asked herself annoyed while rummaging the shelves for the ingredients of a healing potion. Though Rainbow's healing magic was incredible great to heal broken bones, it didn't help against simple colds.

"Hurry up," Harry hissed impatiently.

"We should have better gone to Knockturn Alley, I think, like usual. There the chance to be recognized is minimal after all."

"There you don't have any possibility to buy ingredients for healing potions. And you didn't want to go to Diagon Alley. Besides I've found already the right things," Caro said and a little while later they had left the shop.

"Was that all now?"

Caro nodded.

„Yes."

As they almost had reached the Shrieking Shack, Caro's eyes fell on a few shadowy figures which could be seen in the cover of a couple of trees and abruptly she came to a halt. A man was tossing on the ground and for one moment she caught a glimpse of his face.

"Harry! It's Charlie Weasley! We have to help him!" she whispered breathlessly and grabbed Harry's arm. Harry stared at her.

"How are we supposed to do this? They are too many," he replied, cursed then and ran in direction of the Death Eaters. Caro followed while wondering confused what she actually was doing. She could not fight against the Dark Side, under no circumstances, could she?

Harry slipped off his hood.

"Stop to torture the prisoner! Immediately!"

"Zabini, my father wants him alive."

One moment Caro believed that Harry had lost his senses. Then she realized that Harry had recognized one of the Death Eaters. As far as the Death Eater was concerned he had recognized Harry as well, at least judging by his reaction. Bowing deeply, the wizard ordered his inferiors to stop.

"You can go. We will bring the prisoner to Arreton's," Harry said peremptorily, a golden aura seemed to surround him. Caro blinked astonished. As by a miracle the Death Eaters obeyed. Shortly afterwards they had disappeared and Harry slumped against a tree.

"I would have never thought that this would function," he said weakly while he still couldn't believe it that he had remembered the name and the followers of his adoptive father had indeed obeyed him. Shaking his head, he said,

"They must have managed it somehow to keep our disappearance a secret. Otherwise they would have never…"

"Harry, help him!" Caro cut him off who had bent over Charlie in the meantime and had lifted the Silencing Charm. Caro ran a hand over his forehead and Harry studied her surprised. Never before had he seen such an expression in her dark-grey eyes.

Pushing himself off the tree, he raised one eye-brow.

"You love him, don't you?"

Caro jumped up.

"No, I don't.", she nearly screamed and turned around.

Harry shook his head and changed into a phoenix. It didn't take long and Charlie sat up heavily. Harry had only taken care of the major wounds.

Knowing that his father, should he hear of the events, would come immediately to this place, he didn't want to lose unnecessarily time.

"Charlie, you have to return to Hogwarts as soon as possible. Quick!"

He helped Charlie up who blinked at him.

"Harry?" he choked out with a husky voice.

"Before they'll come back, Charlie, go!"

Harry gazed at him intently and saw a strange expression in Charlie's light brown eyes, an expression he couldn't interpret. But to his relief he turned around and began to stagger into the direction of Hogwarts.

While more or less running Charlie turned around for one more time and for an instant his eyes lingered on the girl, which now stood next to Harry and he remembered how he had met her for the first time and her dark eyes had stared at him and had captured him. Looking again straight on, his thoughts occupied themselves with the question why Harry had saved his life. He couldn't understand it. Arriving finally in Hogwarts, his sister came towards him. She stopped and her eyes widened,

„You're injured!" and wanted to reach out with her hand to his cheek which a bloody scratch decorated.

"It's nothing bad." He answered hurriedly and ducked out of her way.

Ginny regarded him sceptically and asked,

"What happened?"

„I bumped into some Death Eaters. I already thought that this would be my end. But suddenly Harry appeared and ordered them to stop. He's saved my life. Can you belive that?"

„I just don't understand it. Why did he do this?" he wondered, shaking his head and walked next to Ginny up to the castle.

Ginny grabbed her brother's hand and sent a thank you to Harry in her mind. So it had been justified after all to never believe that Harry had anything to do with the murders of Bill and Mr. Farle. For the first time since the death of her oldest brother she was happy and strangely elated. She looked up to one of the towers and smiling an idea occurred to her how her letter would reach Harry in any case. Hardly had they passed the tremendous portal, a wizard dressed with the scarlet robe which every member of the Order wore, run towards them and gasped,

"Charlie, there you are. We have a new assignment. We shall come immediately to Alastor."

"You belong into the hospital wing, Charlie. You just can't throw yourself in another fight!" Ginny protested aghast.

Her brother shook his head and casting still a loving gaze at her, he followed his colleague. Ginny looked after them and prayed that Charlie would survive this new task. She knew that she wouldn't bear it to lose another one she loved.

As Harry stepped out of the library in the room where Caro and Draco who was feeling better thanks to the potion Caro had brewed and who had had to promise Caro to never go swimming again in such a weather, had made themselves comfortable, he saw that Rainbow had returned in the meantime from her excursion.

Caro handed him a letter.

„It's from Ginny," she said and frowned.

Surprised that Rainbow had brought him the letter; he tore the envelope and unfolded the parchment.

Harry,

I hope that you'll receive this letter. I had to write to you and I know that the school owls wouldn't reach you. That's why I waited so long until Rainbow would visit Fawkes. I wanted to thank you, to thank you that you saved Charlie's life.

Harry, I don't know what happened on that day where you escaped but I don't think it was you. I don't think it, I know it. I've never forgotten what you've told my by the lake and in the library. Please, Harry, come back and clarify what had happen then. Sirius Black is so unhappy since your escape. He didn't want to believe it in the beginning but as he saw the Dark Mark he broke down and since then he and all the others believe that it was you who murdered Bill and. Mr. Farle. Harry, please return. If not then let me at least know that you're all right. Please!

Ginny

Harry stared at the black letters and tried to understand what was written there. Without noticing it really he began to move and went out of the room. His way led him out, to the ocean. Walking down to the beach, he pulled his cloak tighter around him. It was cold and the wind lashed against his face and threatened to snatch the letter off his hand. He sat down on one of the stones and began to read the letter a second time. Which Dark Mark?

And Bill should be dead? How could that be? He concentrated his thoughts to the day where they had fled out of Hogwarts. His memory was vague and blurred in a fog. As Bill had come in, Caro had hit him with a curse. But had Caro really used the Killing Curse? That she would have never done, would she? Desperately Harry tried to remember the colour of the curse. He remembered that Caro had wanted to curse Bill with the memory charm so it couldn't be that she had killed Bill, he thought relieved. Harry stuffed the letter into his pocket and did several steps towards the ocean. But who then had done it? Before he could continue to think about it, a timid voice startled him,

"Harry?"

Harry turned around and recognized Peter who just stepped on the beach. Harry walked towards him,

"What's up?"

Peter's gaze avoided his Harry suddenly realized and something seemed to worry him.

"Harry, I have to tell you something. I…I followed you then to the archives and I saw what happened there. As you left the archives I killed the two wizards. Your attacker was merely unconsciousness. You have not killed him, Harry. I did it and I cast the Dark Mark into the air," he stammered with cracking voice.

Harry just wanted to reply angrily that he wouldn't believe this lie, as he froze.

"You've conjured the Dark Mark into the air?", he croaked.

Peter nodded miserably.

In Harry's head everything spun around, thoughts stormed at him and thinking of Ginny's letter, he stared at Peter,

"You have killed them? But…but why?" he added as the little man nodded.

Harry got only the first half of the explanation which was told in a trembling voice and was hardly to understand as he jumped up with out any warning. Anger rose in him.

"You've killed them; you've killed Ginny's brother because you were afraid to be discovered? Because you wanted to prevent that I would ever return to Hogwarts? Get out of my sight, get away from here. Never again come under my eyes." it gushed out of Harry.

Peter stumbled backwards, with wide eyes. Harry turned around briskly and ran up the path. How could he dare? How could Peter dare to betray him in such a way?

Peter clambered to his feet and his eyes riveted on Harry who still was surrounded by this golden scary magic and who stormed up the cliffs. To see how the trust in the emerald eyes had abruptly crumbled, had hit him hard but he knew that it was for the best. He was glad that he had finally summoned up enough courage to speak with Harry; even if Harry would hate him from now on. The most important thing was however that Harry had believed him. Sighing Peter stared at the ocean.

The weeks in Hogwarts had been torture. The fear of being found out had increased from day to day. And one day he had met Remus in one of the corridors. Remus had stopped and for one moment Peter had believed that he had seen him. He knew that Sirius and Remus would kill him if they would find him. As he had witnessed then the happenings in the archives in his Animagus form, he had acted in a fraction of a second, before the door had flown open, before he could have thought of the consequences his action would have and above all what this would mean for Harry. He had known that Sirius would have forgiven an accident but not a murder.

Sinking to his knees he thought of his past and asked himself on which point of his life everything had begun to go wrong. Looking at the stormy ocean he made an oath and Peter knew that he would fulfil it one day, even if it cost his own life. Sometime he would pay his debt.

Harry stumbled along the narrow path and ran across the garden to the other side of the castle where he ran down again to the beach. How long he ran Harry didn't know, but at some point it became more and more difficult to run through the heavy, wet sand and finally he fell to his knees while gasping for breath. His heart was thumping and he felt dizzy. Over and over again he heard Peter's voice,

'It was me who murdered them.'

While the waves were breaking at the beach, he sat suddenly straight. I didn't kill him. Harry felt how the heavy burden of guilt was falling off him and he felt how a nearly cheery feeling seized him which however disappeared abruptly as he thought of Ginny and her brother Bill. Harry drew his knees to himself and slid his arms around them while riveting his eyes on the waves.

Night had already fallen as Harry rose with clammy body and returned to the castle. It had become icy and looking at the silvery bright moon that was just covered by passing clouds, he quickened his space. As he entered the great library and the comfortable warmth covered him, he sighed. At his entrance, Caro had jumped up.

"Harry! We were already worried…what happened?"

Sometimes, Harry thought and went to an armchair it would have been good if they didn't know each other so well. Draco who had covered himself tightly in a light green blanket looked up from his book and threw an investigating look at Harry who was too tired to invent a lie so he began to tell what had taken place on the beach.

As he had ended, he saw that Caro looked rather strange, she opened her mouth but pressed her lips tightly together immediately afterwards and avoided his eyes.

"Why did you let him escape?" Draco wanted to know, regarding him with a frown on his face.

"I don't know. I did not think of it…."

Draco shook his head uncomprehendingly.

Leaning back Harry saw to Caro and just wanted to ask her why she had looked at him so strangely, as Caro jumped up.

"It's already late. I'll take care of the supper," she said hurriedly and quickly left the library.

Harry gazed stunned after her. Take care of supper? Why should Caro of all people take care of the supper when Nell and the other house-elves always prepared the diverse meals? Before Harry could however think on, Draco suggested to play a game of chess and over the exciting game, Harry forgot Caro's unexplainable behaviour and Peter's shocking revelations for the time being.

Only after they had said goodnight to each other and Harry had returned to his room and had closed the door behind him, he remembered that he still hadn't asked Caro what she had wanted to say before she had changed her mind. One moment he still hesitated but then he set off to Caro's rooms. Caro was surprised but he didn't let her any time. Without transition he asked,

"You wanted to say something earlier as I told this from Peter. What was it?"

Caro shook her head.

„It was nothing, Harry."

Her face was rigid but Harry knew her well enough to know that she was hiding something. And sometimes it was good after all that they knew each other so well, Harry thought amused. Caro however remained silent and Harry had more and more the feeling that he had to know by all means what it was that Caro didn't want to tell him.

Taking her arm, he stared into her dark-grey eyes and tried to see her thoughts. Angrily she wrenched her arm out of his grip.

"That isn't fair, Harry."

Harry sighed.

„Sorry, but it has something to do with Peter, hasn't it? You have been thinking of him now, Caro, we've never lied to each other and have kept secrets."

Caro turned around to the window while Harry made a step forwards.

"Caro, please! What is it?"

There Caro turned around again and stared sadly at him. Harry thought back to her expression and asked softly,

"You think he lied to me, don't you?"

"Yes. He was dead and Peter might have killed Ginny's brother but not our attacker."

Walking several steps towards her, Harry halted and run a hand over his forehead. Confused he looked at her,

"But why should he tell me such things then?"

"Oh, Harry. Didn't you notice how worried we were about you? Perhaps Peter as well was worried and wanted to help you. Although I haven't the faintest idea what he had thought of murdering Ginny's brother but since he has told you and wanted to make you believe that he had killed our attacker as well, I think he wanted to fetch you out of your self-reproaches."

Caro laid her arms around him.

"It was an accident, Harry. You can't blame yourself and finally stop to reproach yourself. Then I had to drown into self-reproaches, it was me after all who brought you to go into the archives," Caro said, pushed him a bit off her and looked at him.

Harry shook his head.

"Nevertheless it was my fault. If I wouldn't have lost control over my magic…"

"Such nonsense, Harry! He would have killed us and apart from this you only defended yourself. Was it your fault that the book-shelve was standing there? If it was your fault, then it was mine as well. I have convinced you to accompany me to the archives. And Nell, Harry, I planned from the beginning to revenge my father and because of this I've given Nell her freedom. That you would help me. I thought that you couldn't say no then," Caro said in a rush.

Harry stared at her for a moment. He had completely forgotten what they had searched after then.

"And you haven't even found out something," he said quietly.

Caro cast an insecure glance at him.

"You are not angry? I mean because of Nell…"

"No, I know that you would have also done it if I would have asked you. And you didn't leave Nell behind in Arreton that I'll never forget you," Harry said and one moment later he asked hesitantly.

"If you had found out who did it, would you really have killed him then?"

"Harry, I have to tell you something."

Caro took a deep breath and began to relate what she had discovered in the archives. She spoke fast so that she couldn't change her mind anymore. As she had ended, there was ghostly silence for a while. Harry's face looked rigid in the dim light of the magical candles.

"So, it could have been Sirius," he murmured.

"Yes."

For a while they were silent and Caro asked herself if it wouldn't have been better to keep her discovery a secret. Then Harry said without transition,

"I should have noticed that Peter feared to be found out, then…"

"No, Harry, no, you won't blame yourself now that Ginny's brother has been killed. Besides Peter could have said anything, if he wanted to leave Hogwarts, we surely hadn't held him up. "

Harry sighed, pulled Caro close to him and hugged her tightly.

"Oh, Caro, why everything has to be so complicated?"

Caro laid her head against his shoulder and murmured,

"I don't know, I don't know, Harry."

It was dark in the big library. Only in one of the corners a weak light was burning. Narcissa Malfoy smiled, while reading the letter a second time. Shortly afterwards she reached for the quill and a sheet of parchment and quickly begun to write. She didn't forget for a moment however to listened if it was still silent in the house. Under no circumstances Lucius was allowed to discover her. As she had finished writing, she stood up and hurried to the window. Gazing after the black phoenix Narcissa sighed. She missed Draco so much and would have given everything to be able to embrace him in this moment.

She had been so much afraid for Draco and neither Lucius nor Bella had been able to calm her, both had been incredibly angry over the disappearance of the children whereas the Dark Lord had been surprisingly calm and he still was it. As they had heard two days ago that Harry and Caro had helped one prisoner, he hadn't even punished the responsible Death Eaters, sure, they couldn't have known it – at the Dark Lord's behest the escape of the children had remained a secret – but if someone was to blame or not had never interested their master. It was almost as the Dark Lord would know something that was hidden to all the others, she thought. It seemed so that he was waiting on something and Narcissa couldn't get rid of the feeling that it wasn't anything good.

Only Draco's letters had calmed her down a bit, letters of which existence she had never told a soul. It had been luck that she had managed so far to hide the letters from Lucius. She was incredibly glad to know that the children were happy in Terley and above all there they weren't exposed to any danger, even the Dark Lord would not been able to find them there, Narcissa thought, whatever he seemed to be planning.

She had been more than relived as she had heard that the children had left Hogwarts. But now everything was all right after all and as long as Draco and Caro who she also missed were happy she was it as well, although she still didn't really understand the reason for their escape. Narcissa turned around and hurried back to her bedroom while thinking if it was perhaps possible to visit the children.

Harry threw himself repeatedly to the other side but his wish to find finally sleep didn't become true.He just couldn't calm down. Annoyed he pushed his blanket aside, he was so hot and the air in his room seemed to suffocate him. Going to the window, he tore it open. The air of the night was icy and after seconds he shivered. Surprised he noticed that Rainbow was nowhere to be seen. He shut the window and turning around, he stepped to his armchair and dropped himself into it. He drew his knees to himself, slid his arms around them and sighed.

Today just too much had happened, Harry thought. Ginny's letter, the confession of Peter, the feeling of relief that had seized him for so short a time and finally the feeling of resignation as he had spoken with Caro and as well the feelings of guilt which had overcome him again. After she had told him what she had found in the archives she had showed him the file and Harry's thoughts wandered to Sirius. He could have been it.

And again he wondered what actually the difference was between the Order and the followers of his adoptive father.

Thinking of Sirius and Charlotte, he felt a mixture of strange sadness and feelings of guilt, but anger as well that they believed so effortlessly in his guilt. He knew that he would never been able to explain why he had lost all control of his magic on this day and why in the end Ginny's brother and the other wizard hadn't been alive anymore. Who would believe him anyway?

Peter had probably disappeared over the hills and far away and Harry was sure that he wouldn't appear again in the distant future. But he didn't want to think of Peter now. There was however someone who didn't believe that he was guilty, a little voice in his head whispered to him. Warmth filled him as a picture of a red-haired girl rose in him. Remembering Ginny's dark-brown eyes, he sensed how he began to smile. She believed in him. As strange and unexplainable it was for him. One moment he sat completely still. Then he heaved a deep sigh.

It was rather unlikely that he would ever see her again.

A soft tapping jolted him out of his thoughts. Rising from his armchair, he went back to the window. It was Rainbow who returned from one of her excursions. Surprised he noticed that it had started to snow.

And to think that November hadn't even begun and a few days ago Draco had still swum in the ocean. Watching how the snowflakes slowly landed on the window seat, he remembered that he could do something after all to let Ginny know that he was all right. Hesitatingly he reached out to the snowflakes. He would break his vow but that didn't matter to him in this moment. Harry felt drained. He wished that he hadn't pressed Caro. But then Harry shook his head.

Would it have been better to live with a lie? Caro was right. It had been an accident. Even if he would never again use his magic, it wouldn't make him alive again, just as little as Ginny's brother. Apart from this he had realized in all clearness two days ago as he had helped Charlie Weasley that he would do magic as soon as it was necessary. And it would be of any use for no- one if he sank into self-reproaches, he said to himself defiantly.

In addition it wasn't possible to sent Ginny his little surprise, with which he had just come up, without magic. Shortly afterwards he stroked Rainbow's wet feathers and shook his head.

„And you have fallen in love with Fawkes, haven't you?" he asked his phoenix. That he had missed this entirely, must have been because he had been too occupied to rack his brain over other things. Rainbow trilled conformingly and cuddled her head to his shoulder. Harry smiled and as Rainbow had flown again out to bring Ginny her present, he remained staying at the window and stared into the darkness.