5. Choices
"An Unbreakable Vow…that's…it's very extreme." Hermione spluttered very much in shock.
"As is the situation." Stated Snape.
"But why? I mean why can't you just tell everyone, or not tell anyone, why me?" asked Hermione, hoping very much that Snape would change his mind about this, as she had a haunting feeling that she knew what he wanted to tell her, and she did not want that burden - to keep it a secret her whole life, and never tell anyone…
"It's merely an exchange of personal satisfactions."
"I don't understand what you mean."
"What I mean, Miss Granger," Snape began impatiently "is that I have something that you want, that is to satisfy your curiosity as to my role in this war. And you, it would seem, have something I want."
"And, what is that Professor?" Hermione was beginning to become very anxious. This was definitely unchartered territory.
"First let me point out, that I am no martyr. I seek no glory or superficial praise for any risks that I may have taken for the sake of others." Snape sighed, as though he already regretted what he was about to say, "However, despite popular theory, I am human. I would not like to leave this earth with no one knowing the truth, with the only memory of me being the vile traitor that killed the pinnacle of good in our world. My problem, however, was that until today I felt that there was no one left alive that I trusted would understand. Now it may be whatever you put in your potion, but it would seem that you have drawn the short straw, that is if you chose to take it."
Hermione was stunned. She couldn't believe that this was Professor Snape. How could she possibly refuse? This man had basically just told her that she was the only person alive that he trusted, how could she refuse him this only chance at salvation? Put simply, she couldn't.
She could see the tension in Snape's face as she thought about her answer.
"Ok, I'll do it."
"You are sure? Do you understand what this involves?"
"Yes, yes of course I do. Although, don't we need a bonder?"
"Traditionally, yes. But it's essentially just a formality. The spell can be cast without one quite easily. Now my wand seems to have disappeared at some point during this evening's events so we will have to use yours. Shall we?"
Hermione obliged and they both knelt on the floor. Snape took one of Hermione's hands in his as she used the other to poise her wand above.
Snape took a deep breath.
"Hermione Granger, will you keep all that is said to you in this room tonight to yourself for as long as you live?"
"I will."
A fiery ribbon shot from Hermione's wand and circled around their joined hands.
"Will you also keep secret the memory that you witnessed tonight in the pensieve."
"I will."
Expecting the spell to end, Hermione began to draw her hand away, but Snape held it in place. She looked up at him, and if she hadn't known any better, she would have sworn that she saw tears glaze his eyes.
"And will you..." Snape halted, trying to compose himself for what he was about to say, as though he may find it too upsetting, "…will you know me and remember me, not for the cold, distant man that everyone knows and resents, but for the man that you have seen and spoken to tonight."
Hermione was taken aback, a lump formed in her throat that almost choked her words.
"Of course I will." She said with a warm smile.
As the spell ended, the fiery ribbon that danced around their hands picked up speed and began to enclose, touching their skin before it disappeared.
There was a long moment of uncomfortable silence when the spell had ended; neither knew what to say. Snape disliked this feeling, and decided to shake it from himself.
"Yes well, I suppose we ought to continue with the proceedings." He piped.
"Yes, yes we should." Hermione agreed, glad to be rid of the awkwardness.
"Well I should start from the beginning, the beginning being my departure from Hogwarts."
Snape could see that Hermione was prepared to listen intently, he began to feel a sense of comfort that she had agreed to be his confidant…his friend really… now that he thought about it. The idea seemed so strange to him, he had never really had a true friend before, unless you counted Dumbledore. Well, he could have had a life long friend had his acid tongue not prevented him. He often wondered if things would have been different had he remained loyal to Lily Evans…but the past was not a particularly nice place to dwell for Severus Snape.
"At this point in my life," he continued, "I was truly miserable. James Potter and Sirius Black had made my life unbearable at Hogwarts, there was nothing that I wanted to do more than show them exactly who I was, what I was capable of. A few of my associates from Slytherin had spoken of a very powerful wizard who was recruiting followers. Their aim was to clear the wizarding world of…"
"Mudbloods" Hermione finished, a disgusted look washed upon her face.
"Correct, but not just mudbl… muggle-borns. Anyone who wasn't pureblood."
"But you are half blood, how did you ever manage to ally yourself with them?"
"I decided that I would have to keep my parentage secret until I was able to prove myself as loyal and useful. After meeting the Dark Lord, I realised that it would not be long until he discovered the truth. My knowledge of dark magics was already very extensive but I worked harder at the dark arts during those first few months, harder than I had ever worked for anything in my life. And may I say, Miss Granger, I would have been fierce competition for you had we attended school together.
By the time that word had gotten around that my father was indeed a Muggle, I was more than prepared. The Dark Lord threw a hex at me and I dispelled just about as soon as he had thought of it. A few of the other Death Eaters also thought that they would give the half blood what he deserved, but my studying had paid off. The Dark Lord soon realised that he and the others had much to learn from me, and so I taught them. Essentially what happened to me tonight was my own doing, I taught them almost every hex that they threw at me tonight, as well as how to hold the Cruciatus Curse for very long periods of time.
Time passed and Voldemort and his followers reigned. I was his most trusted Death Eater. I enjoyed the power and the respect; it was all I had ever wanted. But it came at a price. Every time a wizard died because of what we were doing, a part of my soul would die too. I tried to ignore it, but one particular day I decided that I could take no more."
"Is this to do with Harry, and his parents?" Hermione enquired.
"Ah yes, the Potters. That family has caused me more hurt and grief than you would care to imagine. As usual I was out spying, keeping my ear to the ground, the night that I heard…"
"...The prophecy." Hermione interjected.
"Who is telling this story exactly Miss Granger? Because if you have a more detailed knowledge of my life than I, then I would love to hear it." Snape scorned
"Sorry." Piped Hermione rather sheepishly.
"Yes the prophecy, which by your interruption I assume that you know the details of. Of course I returned to inform my master. I had not particularly thought about what it had meant. However, when he had worked it out I was nothing short of horrified."
"Excuse me, Professor Snape." Hermione said, rather gingerly.
"Yes?" Snape rolled his eyes.
"Well you see, what I don't understand is that you had taken part in the killings of many families before the Potters, I mean you didn't even particularly like James."
"I owed James my life. You are correct, I did not particularly like him but he did prevent me from meeting my fate that particular night in Hogwarts. And as for his wife, Lily, I would not see her hurt for anything in the world."
Hermione gave Snape a surprised look, followed by a nod of understanding. Snape was pleased that he did not have to explain that particular situation to her.
"Also, I knew that they had just had a baby boy. This was one killing that my conscience could not ignore. I went straight to Dumbledore and confessed everything. I didn't care if he had sent me to Azkaban, in fact when I heard that my warning was not early enough, it was what I wished for.
But Dumbledore being Dumbledore, the old fool decided to give me a chance. Although he did use it to his advantage for a while, asking me to act as his spy before Voldemort's demise. Thereafter, neither he nor I believed that we would never hear of the Dark Lord again, so keeping this in mind we decided the leave the window of opportunity for me to act as a spy open. I had to tread very carefully."
"So that is why you dislike Harry so much!" Hermione exclaimed.
"Pardon?"
"I always thought it was because of the way that James and Sirius treated you at school, but it was more than that. Because of what James and Sirius did you decided that you had to prove yourself by joining Lord Voldemort. Not only that, but James married Lily, who evidently meant a lot to you. Voldemort's knowing of the prophecy resulted in Lily's death and James's, whom you could no longer pay back for saving your life. Seeing Harry Potter appearing in your life looking exactly like the man who drove you down that path in the first place, that is why you resent him."
"My I must say. You are quick to catch on." Snape chirped sarcastically. He was actually rather ashamed that Hermione had worked out the truth, "So anyway, the time eventually came when we had to act. Dumbledore kept me at Hogwarts for as long as he could but as the Dark Lord's power grew, it no longer became possible. We had arranged previously that if I were to find myself in the position of making an Unbreakable Vow, I would have to follow through with it, as you probably concluded by the memory that you saw."
"Whom did you make it with?"
"Narcissa Malfoy."
"Draco's mother? Of course, so that you would kill Dumbledore if Draco did not succeed."
"I originally thought that I was taking the vow to protect Draco, but she dropped that minor detail in half way through, I could not possibly back out without being discovered. Draco was never going to succeed; I was not to let him, by Narcissa's orders as well as Dumbledore's.
As a result, I had to do something that no one hoping for any goodness in his or her life ever should, I killed the one person who truly trusted and knew me. I killed the most loved and respected wizard of our time."
"You had no choice, there is no reason as to why the order cannot know, is there?"
"This brings me to my final point. You are correct; during the months leading up to Dumbledore's death I had no choice but to follow the plan that we had made. However when I joined Lord Voldemort I did have a choice. When I taught he and Death Eaters all of the spells, curses and hexes that they have used to terrorize the wizarding world ever since, I had a choice. And when I told the Dark Lord of the prophecy that sent him after James, Lily and Harry, I had a choice. You may have noticed that these particular choices played a major part in the darkness of our time.
I have not led a noble life. I have clung to those with power for the sake of my own reputation, ignoring the consequences. I do not deserve praise, glory or even sympathy so I shall make sure that I do not receive it. I have avoided my fate for too long now, thanks to Dumbledore. Tomorrow I will tell the order all that I can about the Dark Lord and his plans, and then I will probably be sent to Azkaban."
This visibly upset Hermione. "But Professor no, no you deserve more than that. You have put yourself at risk to help us. And Harry – he should know!"
"I think that Harry Potter would be a lot more satisfied hating me completely than having to decide upon a degree of hate based on this information. I should know, I felt the same about his father. I am doing him a favor, the only one that he shall ever receive from me, may I add, so he had better appreciate it."
If that was meant to be a joke, Hermione was not amused.
"I decided upon this long ago, I had even discussed it with Dumbledore and he supported my decision. I am only grateful that I have had someone to share this with, that was most unexpected."
"But Professor, how can I go back to the order knowing what I know? I can't, I simply can't…" Hermione began to lose her composure.
"This is why I warned you of the severity of taking the vow. At least know this, had I not told anyone of what happened I would probably have grown even more bitter and resentful, you have given me contentment. I cannot say that for many people. Anyway Miss Granger, perhaps you had better head back before I have Potter at my door. That is something, which I would find most unforgivable."
Hermione looked up at Snape and smiled in amusement. It had been a long night and she was looking forward to escaping this increasingly mad world to her dreams.
"You are right, I should go. I assume that I will be able to apparate from here?"
"Of course"
"Well Professor, I wish you luck. And I also wish that you would reconsider, although I doubt that I will be able to persuade you. You are a good man and I hope that I will see you again some day."
"I hope so too. Thank you Hermione, I hope to see you do great things one day."
Hermione had nothing else to say. She was exhausted, confused and rather overwhelmed. All she could do was smile in acknowledgment and hope that all of this made more sense in the morning. She concentrated on the Burrow and watched Snape disappear into the darkness of his murky, graying lounge.
Moments later she was standing in the lounge of Ron's house, which had become a temporary residence for most of the order. Professor Lupin was asleep in an armchair. Hermione tried her best to step lightly past him in order to get to bed, but his sensitive hearing woke him.
"Hermione, you are back I see."
"Yes Professor." She wanted to keep this encounter as brief as possible. Not only was she lacking sufficient energy to recite the evening's events, well the parts that she was able to, but more than anything she craved sleep and the peace that it would bring.
"Was your potion successful?"
Hermione nodded.
"And Severus, he behaved himself?"
She nodded once again.
"Very well. I expect that you are tired now."
Lupin could see something new in Hermione's eyes, a new darkness. He had seen it many times before, but never in a girl so young.
"Yes. I will see you tomorrow morning Professor." She began to make for the stairs.
"You are of a rare kindness Hermione. Sleep well."
Hermione stopped and turned around to look at Lupin. He simply smiled and nodded. Unsure of how to interpret this, Hermione returned the smile and at long last, went to bed, wishing that she didn't have to face the morning.