"Dry Her Eyes"
By Loki Palmer
Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. The Avengers and all related characters belong to Marvel Comics.
Where we last left our heroes, they were writing these words 100 times on three chalkboards:
"I WILL NOT DESTROY HOGWARTS PROPERTY."
Chapter 6
"Laird Loki!" said Madam Pomfrey. "Thoo haes some visitors."
"Kennir þú betir, bróðir?" (Thou feelst better, brother?)
"O, já, Þórr, Hulkinn gerði mér mikla skaða … ek kenna enn haill, ek þakka Freyju Pomfrey. Ásgarðr segir þú ert rǫskur, ok ek em slǫgr." (Oh, yeah, Thor, the Hulk did me great harm … but I feel better, I thank Lady Pomfrey. Asgard says you are brash, and I am cunning.)
"I wouldn't say it's cunning to draw the anger of the Psycho Green Giant like that, Dad," said Harry.
"Or as you referred to him, the Overgrown Green Gorilla," said Hermione.
Dr. Banner snorted in amusement.
"No, I guess it is not," said Loki with a wry grin. "Who won that fight, by the way? I believe I was swimming in and out of consciousness after the Hulk thrashed me around the Great Hall."
"Hermione did," said Harry, "when she Petrified the Hulk. Then Professor McGonagall threw Thor, Dr. Banner, and me into detention."
"How was detention?"
Thor and Dr. Banner shivered. "Unnerving," Thor said. "Imagine a tabby cat glaring at you as you write your lines. I imagine you were used to it, the many times you and Sirius got detention from her."
"Speaking of detentions, this was not the first time I got detention," said Harry.
Loki grinned. "Oh? When was that, pray tell?"
"It was during my first year – for being out after curfew."
Loki laughed and ruffled his hair. "That's my boy. In our Hogwarts days, the Headmaster may have made Remus a Prefect, but even Moony was useless for keeping us out of trouble. Perhaps we should celebrate popping Thor's cherry, eh?" Seeing Thor give him a confused look, he went on to explain: "I meant your Detention Cherry."
"I know what popping a cherry means, brother, but there is no need for such a vulgar metaphor like that."
("Popping a cherry?" said Harry under his breath to Hermione. "It refers to losing your virginity," she said back to him, provoking a blush from him.)
Thor shot them a look. "Ek heyrða ykkr!" (I heard ye!)
Loki grinned at Thor. "Heyrða ek þau orð frá þér, frá Drottninum Mjaðar Drykkju?" (Did I hear those words from thee, from the Lord of Mead Drinking?)
Thor's face lit up. "Ek elska mjǫdr drekka!" (I love to drink mead!)
"Þú elskar ok kaffe drekka. Mant þú tíðina þú drankr krúsina fyrstraru þína kaffes?" (Thou also lovest to drink coffee. Rememberest thou the time thou drankest thy first cup of coffee?)
"Ek brotnaði krúsina og ek vilda aðra," (I broke the cup and I wanted another.)
Harry gave a mock shiver. "If Uncle Thor was that bad on coffee," he said under his breath to Hermione, "I dread to think what he would be like on Red Bull."
Hermione chortled at the image.
"What are you laughing at, Hermione?" said Thor.
"What is this mortal drink – this Red Bull – you speak of?" said Loki. At Hermione's dumbfounded look, he said, "I haven't been to Midgard for about 14 years, Hermione – cut me a little slack!"
"Menn mæla Rauðr Oxi gefr þér vængir," (People say Red Bull gives thee wings,) said Harry.
Thor grinned at that.
"Ek kann ok ykkr undirstanda nær er þit mælið í málinu ykkru." (I can also understand ye when ye speak in your language.)
"Hví segir þú þat, Haraldr? Þú ert sonrinn minn – sonr Ásgarðs. Málit er í blóðinu þínu." (Why dost thou say that, Harald? Thou art my son – a son of Asgard. The language is in thy blood,) said Loki.
Harry glanced to Hermione, and she glanced back at him with an amused smirk and a raised eyebrow. He lowered his gaze and blushed.
"Sér þú þetta, Þórr?" (Do you see this, Thor?) said Loki.
"Hvat mælask þau?" (What are they saying to each other?) said Thor.
"Ek vei engi … þau mæla án orðum … undrinn …" (I do not know … they speak without words … the wonder …)
Hermione turned her eyes on him as the unspoken tension made him feel awkward, so he turned to Madam Pomfrey.
"Madam Pomfrey, am I free to go?"
"Aye, Laird Loki, thoo is all fixed up. Just try nae tae anger onymore Psycho Green Gorillas, micht we? I maun declare, thoo is as incorrigible as Mr. Potter hissel …"
Loki rolled his eyes at that.
"How is Mrs. Weasley?" said Harry.
"She still is oot cold, if she isna dead; a couldna claim tae ken when she will awake. That Hulk did a number on her, he sure did. Same coud be said fer the Troll Brain and Sir Brown Nose thairselves; 'twas thair bad luck thay war in his way."
"As long as I don't have to hear that screeching voice again, Harry, I think we shall be okay," said Dr. Banner. "It's worse than nails on a chalkboard."
"No hard feelings, Dr. Banner?"
"You were just in the Big Guy's way, Loki. I have no personal beef with you."
"No kidding … it felt like a freight train ran me over. Are we sure that was on my Midgard Bucket List, Thor?"
"What? For an Overgrown Green Gorilla to run you over and throw you around?" Thor grinned. "Sure it was …"
"Dear me, Thor! I did not know you were conversant in sarcasm."
"Spending so much time around you, why wouldn't I be?"
"Ach, noo," said Madam Pomfrey, "ye've ither places tae be, so shoo!"
"Love you too, Madam Pomfrey!" said Loki and Harry.
"A ken, ye wee ones; shoo!"
As they exited the Hospital Wing, Loki said to Harry, "Was Hermione's raised eyebrow what I think it was?"
"She does not like being confused, Dad; why should she understand us in Asgard but not here?"
"Perhaps it was by the Allfather's blessing that she understood us in Asgard," said Thor.
"Wait – she feels we left her out of the conversation by talking in another language?" said Loki.
"Thanks to Harry interpreting for me," said Hermione, "I understood what you were talking about, so he's not in the doghouse. It must be nice to have your own language, right?"
"Hermione, if you would like to study the Old Norse language, we can buy you some books on the subject," said Harry.
"Vér kunnum?" (We can?) said Loki and Thor.
"How else is she going to learn – are we going to dunk her in the deep end of the linguistic pool?"
"While that does sound like a lot of fun to watch her flounder in a pool, metaphorical or literal …" said Loki as Hermione gave him a glare of outrage, "I believe I will pass on that, lest she sets the Hulk on me again."
Harry waved it off. "Please, Dad – she does not need the Hulk to fight her battles … shall I remind you how she broke Malfoy's nose with a single punch?"
"Malfoy … is this the same prick whose Mother needs her ballet tutu back? Do the words arrogant demeanor, long blond hair and grey eyes ring a bell?"
"That was a perfect description of Malfoy, Dad. Anyway, it was Draco's – his son's – nose Hermione broke."
"Átti Malfojinn ellrinn son? Æsirnir hugðu hann var dóttirinn Lucias." (The elder Malfoy had a son? The Æsir thought he was Lucy's daughter.) After Harry translated Loki's statement for Hermione's sake, they snorted at the description.
"He does make an adorable ferret," said a grinning Hermione.
"Hogwarts Entertainment presents Draco Malfoy, the Amazing, Bouncing, Ferret!" said Loki. "What a shame that was not Harry's handiwork."
"Lady Sif's squeal made my head ring for days on end," said Thor. "She thought he was indeed adorable as a ferret."
"He sure did, dearie," said the Fat Lady. "My fellow portraits could not stop laughing for weeks on end."
Dr. Banner's eyes widened in some shock. "Whoa – a talking portrait! Experiencing this place is quite different than reading about it, that's for sure."
"Password?"
"Fairy lights," said Harry and Hermione.
The Fat Lady's portrait opened, and they walked into the Gryffindor common room to see Tony Stark, Captain Steve Rogers, and a couple others they had not met before.
Tony stuck his hand out for Harry to shake. "Harry, sorry we haven't had time to introduce ourselves, thanks to the banshee who set off Dr. Banner's Hulk of a temper. He needs serious anger management therapy. Tony Stark, head of Stark Enterprises, as well as a billionaire, philanthropist, and a scientific genius alongside Dr. Banner. Captain America you know already, I'm sure –"
Steve rolled his eyes. "Well, I did fight for America against the Axis powers in World War II, so I am sure the British know me as well as the Americans. Captain Steve Rogers, here to serve truth, justice, and the American way."
("Superman!" sneezed Tony.)
"Did you say something, Tony?"
Tony cleared his throat. "Yes, thanks for the intro, Cap. Remind me to order some Kryptonite in case the Man of Steel shows his face."
"Some – Tony, Krypton doesn't exist!"
"As far as we are aware, it doesn't, but I digress. We also have Agent Clint Barton, alias Hawkeye, and Agent Natasha Romanoff, alias Black Widow."
Thor bowed. "A pleasure to meet you. I am Thor Odinson of Asgard, and my mischievous brother, the one whom the Hulk slammed around the Great Hall of Hogwarts, is Loki. As for Harry, he is Loki's son."
"Wait," said Tony. "I thought James Potter was Harry's dad? Are we mistaken on this count, Jarvis?"
Jarvis flew into the Gryffindor common room as a hovering spherical robot. "It may be, Mr. Stark, that James Potter was Loki's cover name when he was here last. In many mythologies, the gods have been known to disguise Themselves as humans so They may not frighten them – for instance, if Lord Thor can confirm, His Father Odin would disguise himself as an old man with a long white beard and a staff."
"He would indeed, Jarvis," said Thor.
"Agent Romanoff, with all due respect …"
"Oh, please, Harry. You can call me Natasha. What were you going to say?"
Harry squirmed. "Oh, this is so many levels of awkward … no offense, but you seem to look like my mother."
"Harit rauðu, em ek rettr?" (The red hair, am I right?) said Loki. Harry nodded.
Natasha smiled. "No offense taken, Harry … but out of curiosity, do you know what she looked like?"
"I remember I saw an image of her and my Dad during my first year of Hogwarts …"
"Perhaps I can be of assistance," said Loki.
Thor glared at him. "Loki … don't you dare …"
A bright flash of magic later, the forms of James and Lily Potter stood in the Gryffindor common room in the respective places of Loki and Thor.
"Ah … it feels so good to be back … oh, I'm sorry, dearest Lily … you were saying?"
Steve fainted from the shock of seeing Thor change gender. Hermione was the first to crack into giggles, then said giggles grew into riotous laughter as she hid her face in Harry's shoulder from Lily's glare. For his part, Harry gave his parents a sheepish grin.
James Potter smiled at his wife. "Seeing you brings back so many memories …"
Lily smiled back as she rolled her eyes. "… Of wanting my eyes gouged out!"
As everyone else joined Hermione in laughter, Natasha looked to Harry. "I think I see your point."
Author's Note: Ah, the length of time it can take for me to write one chapter … I'm still around, I'm okay. By the way, I did have a nice 33rd birthday back on February 1st, 2017.
As to the foreign characters you see in the Old Norse, I hope they show up, by which I mean the ash (an a and an e locked together), the thorn (looks like p, but the loop is lower), the eth (looks like a d with a line through it), and the o caudata (looks like o with a hook beneath). I did have these characters (except the o caudata, and the long vowels were written as vowels with macrons) written in the first chapter of my Harry Potter/Game of Thrones crossover "Fire and Blood," and a reviewer complained it looked like gibberish. Either the reviewer in question did not realize the language they were (Old English; it's the ancestral form of English, for crying out loud!), or for some reason, his computer did not recognize them for what they were and printed out gibberish in their place. I don't see why; they all showed up okay when I submitted it to the Site. If they didn't show up okay on his computer, that would be his computer's fault, not mine. Could y'all let me know if they show up okay like they're supposed to? If they didn't, that would throw a big monkey wrench into this linguistic realism here, wouldn't it?
As always, read and review! I'm sure you will enjoy the references I've dropped here …
Smiles and laughter,
Loki Palmer