This story was partly inspired by Dragon Radar, who was very sweet and asked if I could write something about Raph. Then I heard this really beautiful piece from the Samurai 7 soundtrack, and the two just somehow came together. It grew into a four-part collection of defining moments in each of the Turtles' lives.
By the way, if anyone is curious, you can download that particular song from my bio page. It's just incredible, I have to share it with everybody! I listened to it the whole time I wrote. Maybe it would provide some nice background music as you read, too. Heh. I also added some info on the status of my fics, just in case anyone was interested.
Well I hope you enjoy! Especially you, Dragon Radar! It's technically not a tidy little one-shot, but I hope you like it anyway!
Punch. Kick. Fight. Win. Stronger, he needed to be stronger.
Raphael attacked the punching bag with a single-minded fury, his small fists and feet landing powerful blows that belied his size and young age. Ever since Master Splinter had begun training him and his brothers in ninjitsu, his physical strength had outshone all of his other attributes, and hours upon hours of training had honed his muscles and made him a little stockier than his brothers. He always won when it came to matters of physical power.
Okay fine. Nearly always.
Clenching his teeth, he let loose a fierce kick and followed it up with a burst of frenzied punches. His strength was nearly always enough, except of course when his older brother Leonardo, stupid teacher's pet Leonardo, decided he wanted to be the best at everything yet again. And when didn't he? Every morning at practice, he was always the first to accomplish whatever Master Splinter was teaching. Always the one called to demonstrate. Always the one to get the most praise. It wasn't fair.
His younger brothers Donatello and Michelangelo felt the same way, he was sure of it. Just that morning, Splinter had called the youngest up to demonstrate a leaping kick, and Mikey had very promptly screwed up, losing his balance and falling to the mat. Leo had been asked to show how it was correctly done, and he did so with seemingly expert precision. Michelangelo looked crestfallen. And did Splinter or Leo even notice? Hell no. One was too busy sucking up and the other was too busy playing favorites.
Just remembering the look on his little brother's face made his punches increase in intensity.
What gave Leo the right to be so perfect? What gave him the right to steal all of their father's attention? The right to make them all feel worthless and insignificant, no matter how hard they tried?
He knew it was only a matter of time until Master Splinter named Leo the leader. He had seen it coming a mile away. And still he tried anyway. Ever since they were little, he could recall being at odds with his big brother, always butting heads over the smallest things. Only natural that they'd be competing to be the best at ninjitsu too.
Just think how arrogant he's going to be once he's leader.
He growled and delivered a powerful roundhouse kick to the bag. "Like hell I'm gonna be some pathetic kiss-ass like he is..." Just the thought of having to take orders from Leonardo, who would be even more revered by their father than he already was, made his insides turn icy with rage.
A meek voice suddenly came from the entrance of the dojo. "Uh...Raph?" It was Donatello.
Raphael stopped just long enough to shoot a glare at his younger brother in purple. "Go 'way Donnie."
"But it's time for dinner, and you haven't eaten anything all day," said Don, worry evident in his voice.
"I ain't hungry."
"But you've gotta eat something. And you're probably dehydrated."
"Mikey came in here and tried the same thing earlier, and I'm telling you the same thing I told him. Go away."
"But Raph -- "
"I said go away! You're a smart turtle, I'm sure you can figure out what that means!" As soon as the words left his mouth, he felt a pang of guilt. He couldn't bring himself to look over his shoulder at the brother he just hurt. There was a moment's silence, and then Raph could hear Don's footsteps shuffling away.
He was only trying to help. He was just worried about you. Even knowing this, his feet wouldn't carry him after his brother to apologize. They just wouldn't budge. And somehow that made him even angrier. Somehow even his temperamental shortcomings were the fault of a certain turtle with a blue bandana.
With renewed fury, Raphael punched and kicked and cursed and screamed until the shame and regret were gone, and all that remained was the bag, the strain of his muscles, and his anger. He took breaks only to pant and catch his breath, or to wipe the sweat off his forehead. Every time he started to feel soreness creeping in, he just recalled the disappointment in Mikey's face, or the smug confidence in Leo's eyes whenever Splinter praised him for something, anything, everything. He even found himself recounting all the times he'd been wronged by his brother in the past. All the times he had said to himself, if I only I were better than him. If only I were stronger...
He was pretty sure a couple of hours had passed since Donatello had come by. His voice had long ago gone hoarse, and the lair had been quiet for a while now. He wondered if it was already late and everyone was in bed.
Bed...actually sounds good right about now. He shook his head. He had to keep going, had to get to stronger. Maybe then he could be who he always wanted to be. Maybe then Master Splinter would notice that Leonardo wasn't the only son worthy of his love.
Stubbornly pushing away the ache in his arms and legs, he took another swing at the bag and overshot his aim, causing his foot to slip. He found himself in a very sore and very tired heap on the floor. The bag, reeling from all the abuse he had dished out, wobbled over and bopped him in the head. Raph exploded. "Rrrargh! Goddammit!" He unthinkingly brought a fist back, ready to slam it into the hard floor, but another hand stopped him. A very warm, furry hand.
"I think that is enough training for today, my son."
Raphael looked up in surprise, and was met with the kind visage of his father. All of the angry feelings bubbled up inside of him, and he pulled away.
If Master Splinter was hurt by that, he didn't show it. He gracefully folded his legs into the lotus position, and nodded to the space in front of him.
"Please, sit."
With a theatrical, long-suffering sigh, Raphael did as Splinter asked. Didn't mean he had to look at him though. He kept his face stubbornly turned to the side, waiting for his father to speak. When minutes had passed and still Splinter had said nothing, Raph grew a little uncomfortable.
"So...I didn't do anything to deserve the silent treatment, did I?"His voice came out a little scratchy, from all the yelling and hours of not speaking, but he ignored it. "I mean last time I checked, training was still allowed in this lair."
Another few minutes passed.
"Look. I'm just a little pissed -- I mean, frustrated -- with Leo right now."
Finally his master spoke. "And why is that?"
"Because he's always being a jerk, that's why!" He was sure he was going to get scolded for bad-mouthing Leo like that, but was utterly surprised when no reprimand came. Instead Master Splinter was quiet a few moments, as if considering what he was going to say next.
"I...will be naming Leonardo as leader, Raphael. I'm sure you knew this already." He was smiling gently as he said this, probably to try to take the sting out of what he just said.
Raphael could only feel a sort of numbness. His mouth worked for a second with no sound, and he swallowed. "Yeah, I knew."
"Why do you think I am choosing him?"
Raphael rolled his eyes. "Gee, where should I start? Because he's strong and brave and fast and really good with his swords, and he always does what you tell him, and, oh yeah! He's perfect!"
"Your brother is not perfect -- "
Raph snorted derisively. "Then why does he act like he is? Why do you?"
His master sighed, and Raphael strangely got the impression that it wasn't out of frustration towards him, or even Leo.
"If I have acted in such a manner, it was not my intention. I would never want to make any of you feel that one is more important, or more valued." His voice was impossibly warm and genuine. "I love all of you equally."
Raphael felt an ache in his heart, but not of pain. Despite all his efforts, he could feel the aggression towards his father slowly melting away into the realization that his father really did love him. Even if he did stupid things like train all day and snap at his younger brothers and get angry at Leonardo for everything. A little ashamed and relieved and ecstatic all at once, he bowed his head.
"But, as I was saying," Splinter continued, "Your brother is not perfect. And neither are you. Or anyone else in this world for that matter." He gave Raph a look that was both worried and scolding. "And even if perfection were attainable, exerting yourself to the point of exhaustion would not be the best way to go about it."
Raph felt his cheeks heat up a little. "Yeah, well...it seemed like a good idea at the time."
"Even so, it is no excuse to lash out at your brothers. They care deeply about you, no matter what mood you may be in. You would do well to remember this the next time you feel the need to push yourself to the limit, at the cost of all else."
Feeling a little guilt blossom in his chest again, Raph sighed. "I will, Sensei." He knew it might be hard, but he truly meant it.
Splinter nodded his acceptance. "Now, the reason I chose your older brother is because he very naturally takes it upon himself to ensure the safety of you and your brothers. He also strives to maintain order and fairness, and his skill as a ninja has become very impressive as well.
"As leader, he will have many responsibilities. He will be making decisions that could affect this entire family. But you have to understand, Raphael, that your position is just as important."
"Yeah right, Sensei. No offense, but giving orders and following them aren't the same."
Splinter closed his eyes with a knowing smile on his face. "Ah, but a leader cannot lead, if he does not know how to follow." Seeing the confusion on Raphael's face, he continued. "At first glance, it may seem that a follower's only purpose is to serve his leader. But in reality, it is the other way around. Would a leader get far by not considering his followers? By not listening to their concerns? By doing only what is best for himself, and not the whole?"
Slowly, grudgingly, Raph could see what he was getting at.
"Furthermore, what would happen if a leader gave commands that he would not carry out himself? He would lose his followers' trust. I think you can imagine what worth a leader has, if none are willing to follow him."
Raphael nodded and said a bit sullenly, "I understand, Sensei."
"I said earlier that your brother wasn't perfect. Though he doesn't show it very often, he can be as stubborn as you."
"Yeah. He can also be stuck-up, bossy, annoying... " He would have loved to continue, but stopped when Splinter raised a furry eyebrow and gave him a look. "Sorry Sensei." He did have the decency to look sheepish, although the mischievous glint didn't leave his eyes until a thought occured to him. "But you said he'll be making decisions that will affect the entire family. What if he makes the wrong ones?"
"That is where you come in, my son."
A little dumbfounded, Raph's mouth hung open. "Huh?"
"It is in your very nature to challenge," said Splinter. "You are not afraid to stand up to your brother, or his decisions. For a good leader, this can be just as important as courage or skill."
"You mean I don't have to do every single thing that he says? Like clean his room, or polish his swords, or get him a drink whenever he wants?"
Splinter chuckled. "Certainly not. You're his brother, not his slave. But I hope that you will listen to him and most importantly, trust him to do what's right. He will make mistakes, and there may be times when he is injured or can't fulfill his duties. Those times are when he and the rest of your family will be counting on you the most."
A few moments passed, as Raphael digested this new insight into not being 'second-best' but 'second-in-command.'
"Stuck-up, bossy, annoying..." Splinter said thoughtfully. "Is that how you really think of Leonardo, in your heart of hearts?"
Unbidden, memories of happier times between him and his older brother came flitting into his mind. Times when no, he didn't really think Leo was any of those things. Stupid heart of hearts mumbo jumbo.
Suddenly finding the floor very interesting, Raphael mumbled something that sounded like "I guess not."
"You also said that he was strong, brave, fast, and skilled. Could it be that really you admire these qualities, and want to be like him, rather than be better than him?"
Caught off guard, Raphael could feel the truth of that, and he railed against it.
"No! I don't want to be like him! Never!" He got to his feet suddenly, overwhelmed with the strength of his emotions. "He ignores all of us just so he can train...and he acts like he's better than everyone...and he makes me feel like nothing I do can ever be good enough!
"That's why I need to be stronger, so I can beat him! I need to prove...I need to...I need..." He could feel the hot sting of tears and he shut his eyes tightly against them. It took all he had to keep them at bay, until he was shaking with the effort. If there was something he hated the most, it was crying in front of others.
"Raphael."
Master Splinter's voice gently cut through the self-pity that had gripped him, but Raphael did not look up, only clenched his fists more tightly. He felt a gentle hand upon his head.
"He is your brother, Raphael. That is all you need. Perhaps you have been wanting to become stronger for all the wrong reasons." And then Splinter was gone, leaving Raph alone with a heart that was strangely both confused and enlightened, unburdened and newly-burdened.
He didn't know how long he stood there.
Eventually he scooted up against the wall and sat with his arms wrapped around his knees, lost in thought. His father's words still echoed in his mind.
"Hey."
Raphael looked up, startled. Sure, everyone seemed to be stopping by his self-imposed training marathon today, but this was the last person he expected to see.
Leonardo fidgeted a little, and then said, "This morning, at practice...I think Mikey felt really bad about messing up that kick. I was wondering if maybe you wanted to train tomorrow? Just the four of us? We could help him work on it..." He trailed off a little uncertainly, but Raph barely noticed. He couldn't have responded right then even if his life depended on it, couldn't even move.
He felt like an idiot, just sitting there as realization crashed over him. All of his earlier observations, his frustrations, his harsh thoughts...they had all been overturned in an instant. Was it really so easy?
Yes, his heart told him. Leonardo's my brother. Yes, it's that easy.
Master Splinter...maybe Master Splinter was right after all.
Much to his disgust, Raphael suddenly felt like crying again. He lowered his face into his folded arms, trying not to make it look like he was doing it to hide his watering eyes. He knew his voice was muffled, but he didn't care.
"...Whatever, Leo."
He didn't look up when Leonardo left the dojo. When he thought Leo had gotten far enough away, the first sob came. And then more followed. He sat, sniffling and scrubbing at his eyes without shame since no one was there to see. Finally he could breathe without his breath hitching, and he got to his feet. He didn't feel so tired anymore. He turned resolutely to the punching bag.
Punch. Kick. Fight. Win. Stronger, his family needed him to be stronger.
Thanks for reading!