Summary: Collection of Kandy poem/songfics. First: season three Kandy songfic. It's 3am and Sandy Cohen only just got home, again.
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters of O.C.
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I know I often skim over the lyrics in fics but please read these, I know they repeat but that's the song and that came first and it's more important than the prose really!
This fic is basically saying "Sandy Cohen where the f are you?" lol
Written pre episode 3.20 i.e. before he had sunk to new depths, when I thought him redeemable. I'm not saying it can't be done but it's gonna take a hell of a lot more effort than it could have done.
This was meant to be the second shot because the other one is a
season 2 centric but after some gentle prodding I decided I'd be
wild and post in the wrong order!
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3am Again
You're crawling into bed at 3am again
I'm wondering how things got like this
Feels like we're fightin' but we're not this time
You know what, I just miss?
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I miss you, yeah you
And the things, you used to do
I miss you, and me
I miss the way, things used to be
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Why aren't you here with me?
Why am I lying here alone again?
Why aren't you here with me?
I'm waiting for you to get home again
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I'm in bed by the time Sandy gets home. No wonder. It's 3am. It's becoming a habit. What he finds to do till all hours of the morning I don't know and strangely enough I don't want to. I don't want to know what is keeping him from dinner every night, from our family, from me. I just want it to stop. I don't want excuses or apologies, I just want him here, with me. The tension between us is simmering just below the surface. We're not fighting…yet. I don't want us to fight but I will fight to get you back. I miss you. I miss our mornings, our moments, I miss family time in the kitchen; days when we'd joke together rather than you grabbing a cup of coffee to go. I miss the family dinners you don't have time for, the random phone calls you no longer make. I miss us; the Sandy and Kirsten that Julie talks about. I miss the way you used to make me feel, the way we were; together. Not alone, alone in this giant bed, waiting.
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You're crawling into bed at 3am again
But now it's just too late
I wanted, needed, you yesterday
And I just couldn't wait
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Wait for you, this long
To realise, there's something wrong
Wait for you, to see
This ain't the way, it's meant to be
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Why aren't you here with me?
Why am I lying here alone again?
Why aren't you here with me?
I'm waiting for you to get home again
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All I wanted was a little bit of your time. That's all. A couple of hours. Was it too much to ask? Or do I have to schedule weeks in advance now? I wanted you but now it's not as simple as that. I need you too. Not having you around makes me unsure, afraid. I need you Sandy or things might go horribly wrong, again. I'm not good on my own. I'll talk to anyone who will listen right now, I find myself inventing reasons to stretch out your departure, my best friend is Julie Cooper-Nichol, I keep hanging around the poolhouse not having the conversations I should be having with Ryan but just wanting to know he's there, I went on a 'date' with my own son for crying out loud. I'm tired of waiting for you to wake up and realise what you're doing to us all. Wake up and take a good long hard look at yourself. I don't think you'll like what you see anymore. Something is wrong Sandy, why can't you see it? It's not meant to be like this, don't you know that?
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You're crawling into bed at 3am again
Surprised that I'm awake
Did you forget that I don't sleep without you?
Not know my snores were fake?
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Fake, like things are
Now you've drifted so very far
Away, from me
And the man, you used to be
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Why aren't you here with me?
Why am I lying here alone again?
Why aren't you here with me?
I'm waiting for you to get home again
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'You're still awake,' you say, a mix of surprise and guilt in your voice. I feel tears prick my eyelids as I nod slowly. Have you forgotten that I struggle to sleep without you? I hate sleeping alone. I haven't wanted you to feel bad about it so each night I've been pretending to be asleep, snoring softly, but tonight I was sick of the charade. Because that's what we're doing at the moment; acting, faking, lying to each other, to ourselves. Or at least I am. I don't know what you're saying to yourself but I'm saying everything will be fine, you'll come to your senses, come back to us. But sometimes I'm not so certain. Nights like this when you don't seem to know me and it's obvious how far apart we've grown. You're drifting away like a lost balloon and I'm stood on the ground watching you. Watching you rise, up, up and away, getting higher and higher, smaller and smaller and further and further away from the man you used to be.
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You're crawling into bed at 3am again
I'm wondering how I feel
Your kiss on my cheek, it burns me
Don't know if it's still real
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Real, not like this
You used to have a different kiss
Where has, it gone?
Should I, still be holding on?
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Why aren't you here with me?
Why am I lying here alone again?
Why aren't you here with me?
I'm waiting for you to get home again
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Tonight when you come in you stand watching me as you lethargically pull off your tie and undo the buttons of your shirt. You look deep in thought. I wonder if you're thinking about me or that damn hospital project. I'd like to think the former but it's more likely to be the latter. I try to analyse how that makes me feel but I'm just numb right now. Once in bed you reach gently over to kiss me, your lips pressing softly against my cheek. It burns. I don't understand why but it does. I guess it's something to do with the rarity these days. I'm debating pretending to wake up, retuning the kiss, giving more. Giving more than I've received. I'm used to that at the moment. But I don't. I don't pretend to wake up and try to start something. All my attempts at anything of the sort have been rebuffed recently. And I'm still in two minds about the kiss. They used to burn me in a different way. This burn isn't lustful. It just hurts. Was it real? Did you mean anything with it? Nothing feels real anymore. Our love used to be real. So real. Not like this. Not like the way things are now. So false. What happened? Where did it go? Is it foolish to still be hanging on? Did it just die? Fade away? Are we at the end of the road?
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You're crawling into bed at 3am again
You don't even see my tears
You fall straight to sleep beside me
Do you not share my fears?
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Fears that I'm losing you
Although you said it wasn't true
Tears because I, don't know what
I can do to make this stop
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Why aren't you here with me?
Why am I lying here alone again?
Why aren't you here with me?
I'm waiting for you to get home again
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You pad into the room in your stocking feet, trying not to wake me. I'm surprised you've been thoughtful enough to take off your shoes and I berate myself for the thought. Just because you've been acting strangely lately doesn't mean you don't care. You're obviously exhausted because you fall asleep the minute you crawl into bed. Your arm stretches out across me but you don't look at my face. You don't see the tear stains on my cheeks. You're sleeping soundly while I'm sick with insomnia. I'm scared. Because you said I was never gonna lose you and now I'm not so sure. You promised it wouldn't happen. Were you lying? And I can't stop the tears because I don't know anymore and I don't know what I can do to stop this spiral. I already know what happens next. I've lived through something like this once. Last year, I was losing you and I almost lost myself. I never thought you would lose yourself. What can I do? I just want to stop. Stop thinking. Stop lying awake. Stop crying. Stop everything being like this. Stop. Stop. Stop.
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You're crawling into bed at 3am again
And I can't help but cry
When you finally notice,
I can't believe you ask me why.
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Why? Don't you know?
Can't you see the way it goes?
You're drifting away
No matter what I do or say
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Why aren't you here with me?
Why am I lying here alone again?
Why aren't you here with me?
I'm waiting for you to get home again
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It's very late, or rather very, very early and I can't stop crying. I get up to go the bathroom so my stifled sobs won't wake you. As soon as I return to bed they start again. I don't know if it's the sight of you, lying there, looking like you but knowing that it's not you inside. You must have felt the movement of the bed because you roll over, asking for the time groggily. I answer in a voice choked with tears and that forces you awake.
'Kirsten?...Why are you crying?'
I don't answer. What's the point? I can't believe you don't understand. And what can I do? You won't listen to me. You don't listen anymore.
'Kirsten?'
'Don't you know?'
You're silent now and instead of answering you pull me close. I want to stay immobile, refuse the contact but I'm yearning it so much I can't resist. Our bodies are pressing against each other, my chest up against yours, my head tucked into the arch of your neck, legs tangled together, arms tight, tight around each other. We couldn't get any closer if we tried. I'm trying though. We're this close but I don't feel connected. There could still be half the bed between us. The distance between us mocks this intimacy.
Don't you see what's happening? Don't you know how this ends? I know what happens. I've seen it. Have you forgotten my father? Can't you see the symmetry? He was consumed by his business, swallowed whole by the Newport Group and that's what's happening to you. You already have the alcoholic wife to match. What's next? You've had your kid run away just like Hailey. Do you want the other to leave for college and not talk to you for two years?
But I can't say all this out loud. Not yet. Perhaps I should but I'm too tired, too scared. I'm not sure I have any hold over you anymore. My mom was dying before my dad woke up and by then it was too late. For her, for our family and for him. Once she was gone he got worse. What's it gonna take for you to wake up Sandy?
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You're crawling into bed at 3am again
You're acting like somebody else
We're strangers with a past that's all
I know you're not yourself
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Because this, ain't you
It's not, the man I knew
Because I loved, that one
But I can't love the man that you've become
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I love Sandy Cohen. I have done for more than twenty years and I always will. I'll always love you. But I'll love you as in the sense of you, not the person. You're not yourself anymore. I don't know this person. It's somebody else. We're not strangers; we've shared too much but it almost feels like it. The Sandy Cohen I first fell in love with was a crazy, bushy-eyebrowed, pot-smoking, Jewish guy who wore a bag over his head on our first date. The Sandy Cohen I married was idealistic and passionate, he was going to save the world and he loved me. The Sandy Cohen I spent the past twenty years with made mistakes, his wife made mistakes but they were always madly in love, they fought, they made up, they teased their son. That Sandy Cohen brought home a boy who had nowhere else to go and persuaded his wife he wasn't a criminal. That Sandy Cohen changed, he went to work at a private law firm, he set up his own practise, he kept leaving his wife to save another woman, he didn't notice his wife was drinking, but he was still Sandy Cohen underneath it all. These days I'm not so sure. I never thought he would change this much. I'm not sure you can still be Sandy Cohen because I knew him and this isn't him. Sandy Cohen isn't a business man, he knows where the line is, he has principles and morals and he loves me. He doesn't pass me over for another night at the office. He doesn't use people, he doesn't screw them over, he doesn't forget them, he doesn't hurt them. This man does and I can't love him. I know you and this is not him. Where are you?
I love you now for who you were. The boy, the man I fell in love with, the man I married, the man I've spent twenty years with. I love you for who you are, somewhere, inside, where you are still you. Come back.
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Why aren't you here with me?
Why am I lying here alone again?
Why aren't you here with me?
I'm waiting for you to get home again
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You're home now. At least you're physically here, lying in bed beside me. But I still feel alone. I don't know the man next to me. Where's the other you? What have you done with him? Why isn't he here? That man said he loved me more than words, more than the earth, more than life. And I love him more than anything. I'll wait forever for him to come home. Come home.
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Why aren't you here with me?
Why am I lying here alone again?
Why aren't you here with me?
I'm waiting for you to get home again
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If you have seen this man, please review, his family would like him back.
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